IVF with donor eggs

20T · June 2017

laurad75 said:

@20T I hear you loud and clear. If one of the doctors gave me any hope that we could still succeed with my own eggs I'm sure we would have kept going. Obviously it was very hard to hear that the chance of conceiving was very slim but it made the decision to go DE much easier. I have read a bunch of those articles and need to believe that its true - both doctors that I saw had so many positive things to say about DE including the studies on imprinting and epigenetics (those may be the same thing).

In regards to Frozen vs Fresh - I am waiting to hear back from our financial coordinator to confirm our insurance coverage. If my insurance covers anything for DE IVF it will only be for fresh eggs so we will go that route. Otherwise, we will likely do a guaranteed plan with frozen.

@laurad75 I'm with you-I have to believe something in there is true. I hope your insurance covers something!

2legbaby · June 2017

@20T that is a tough spot to be in! We only tried two rounds of IVF first time 4 embryos all tested abnormal, second time 6 embryos and none survived to testing ...my RE discussed DE but was still open to us trying again. Financially we are fortunate in that did not play a role in our decision (we could afford another round of ivf then DE if needed) for me the emotional toll of the failed IVF s was just too much and if there was a good chance I would have tried again but I was ready to move on. I think of finances are off the table you need to decide if you need that next try at IVF before moving on or if you are ready to move forward with DE
*tw* My sweet baby looks like a mini version of my husband so that helps a lot with not seeing myself in her. I am really not bothered by it like I thought I may be.I have a Caucasian best friend and her husband is Chinese and her kids really look just like him....it is hard to see her features despite genetics.similarly I look nothing like my mom!

Of the things I struggle with really the biggie is how she will feel about the decision we have made and will she ever resent me for it? (For good or bad there is a site called anonymousus.org where donor children and parents can post-some of posts are hard to read but I recommend it so you can get the child's perspective too)

@laurad75 we ended up with our eggs in a less conventional way in the end but initially considered fresh. Our RE office literally had only 5 in house donors! But we also looked at (and almost went with !) Eggceptional donor group. Costs for "proven "donor were $9000 to $10000 just for donor fee. Didn't consider frozen at the time as wanted option for siblings (as it is of our 12 eggs 5 embies 2 PGS normal but first transfer failed)

JamieH2000 · June 2017

@laurad75- I do think with using an agency, you may have access to more donors, so theres a positive in that too. So excited to hear how the seminar goes and what your next steps are

@2legbaby- I love hearing other people's stories with DE who are on the other side. I do often worry about what the child will think/feel. I'm sure there will be some horrible teen years when they say something mean, but hopefully by adulthood they will truly realize how wanted they were and what we did to get them

Sometimes when I get hung up on the physcial stuff, I remind myself too that there is no guarentee that my genetic child would look like me anyways!! are you planning to try for a second child?

2legbaby · June 2017

@JamieH2000 we had started looking into adopting from foster care before our BFP and I am still open to that to give her a sibling. Since we have no more embryos I won't carry another baby....I am a little sad about that but so at peace with our one miracle baby

JamieH2000 · June 2017

@2legbaby- I think foster to adopt is amazing and there are so many children that need a great hom. Sometimes. I feel guilty spending all this money to have a child when so many need a home but they make it so hard to adopt children and so expensive!

laurad75 · June 2017

Thank you for sharing @2legbaby. I agree it's so helpful to hear from those who have gone through it.

So if any of the DE IVF moms are lurking...we would love to hear from you.

20T · June 2017

Thanks @2legbaby for sharing your story. And yikes, that website had some harsh letters from kids of donors!

2legbaby · June 2017

@20T there are some harsh postings on that site for sure....I tried to take some with a grain of salt as some of the donor kids seemed so unhappy about everything in life, knowing that kids more ' conventionally ' conceived can turn out this unhappy as well, but still felt it was good to read the unhappy stories too

@JamieH2000 don't feel guilty about that at all! All of us can desire to become moms however we want and while I know for some ladies that pregnancy isn't possible, i am so glad that I got to have that amazing experience

@laurad75 I'm glad you guys add going to keep this thread going, wish there was more activity on the 3rd parry reproduction board!

TaylorMichel · June 2017

Hey! I have been away from the boards for awhile and saw this board and figured I would post our experience with DE. We tried 3 rounds of IVF with ICSI all of which were cancelled. We were told that even though my AMH was normal my FSH had skyrocketed and my eggs weren't an option. (we also have severe MFI) We took some time and looked into adopting but didn't think domestic adoption was for us and due to our age, I'm 29 DH is 28, we didn't qualify for many international programs. We went back to our RE to talk about possible donor embryos but while there our nurse told us about frozen DE they had in house that she thought could be "the perfect fit for us" she told me the donor had done IVF but could not afford everything so they worked with her and said they would retain 50% of her eggs retrieved for future DE cycles to help her cost. She obviously agreed and my clinic had 12 mature frozen DE waiting if we wanted them. It was crazy, our nurse and RE said that the donor actually looks very much like me, so much so that she "could be my sister". We went in thinking about a completely different option but it was almost as though this was divinely meant to be. After the thaw we did ICSI on the 10 surviving eggs and 8 fertilized! *TW* I am currently 12 weeks pregnant with twins, with 1 excellent quality embryo in cryopreservation.

Our experience with DE was pretty different than most but once we decided to go this route it was like everything else fell easily into place. I honestly think this was always meant to be because my RE said his nurse has never suggested alternate treatments to their patients and these eggs had been in cryo for years.

laurad75 · June 2017

Congratulations and thank you for sharing @TaylorMichel!

[Deleted User] · June 2017

Woke up thinking about you today, luv @20T I'm sorry your doctor wasn't able to give you more definitive advice... I know firsthand what a toll this struggle takes on your life and your marriage... please do, I hope you will, take all the time /mental-emotional space you need to feel yourself again. I myself am only hanging in there at this point, bc having DHs procedure X No. days away is like a beacon of light at the end of a long dark tunnel.... but if it doesn't work? Or even if it does and we do get to jump right back down into the next rabbithole that ivf would be, it's like ughh.... when does it end and we get to just be a normal couple again? Sometimes life is just like that though, and it may never be the other way again without our making a conscious decision to choose normalcy. Idk. It's not easy - none of it - the trying, nor the less-trying - but I just wanted you to know you're in my heart, lady. ❤

JamieH2000 · June 2017

HI Ladies, I know we are trying to keep this thread going, so my update is below.

How is everyone else doing?!!

AFM, I have a good update!! My donor has been cleared by my doctor!! She got 6 blasts last cycle, which my RE said was "GREAT" and my donor program coordinator says is above average. I did say 6 was the minimum I wanted, but its hard not to wonder if thats really not quite so great, since my friend just got 14 blasts through her donor cycle! I'm hoping for her second cycle they will know how she responds and can get a few more. We are also hoping to meet her in person, since her profile said she was open to that. It will still be an anonymous donor cycle (we wouldn't have her contact info or anything), but I think it would be nice for us to meet her and also to thank her in person and let her see who she is donating too. They said from this point its about 2-3 months until transfer, so I am really hoping its more like 2 and we can have a transfer by end of August! Its odd because I am SO excited to get started, but also sad that this time is here and this is the end of our journey for a genetic child (at least for now). But I know once it works, the sadness will be gone!

laurad75 · June 2017

That is such great news @JamieH2000. Thank you for sharing. Do you know how many eggs the donor produced in the last cycle? I would think that number would be important too, no?

I know what you mean that it must be bittersweet to commit to this path but like you said, it will all be worth it.

JamieH2000 · June 2017

@laurad75- I didn't ask how many eggs, but probably could. I think at this point, we are happy enough with the 6 blasts to proceed. She was our first choice, from the first time we looked at the donor list over two months ago. There was just something in her responses that I really connect with. Where are you at in your journey?! I know there is alotttt of waiting in this process.

laurad75 · June 2017

@JamieH2000 I agree 100% that 6 blasts is awesome. It's so exciting.

We are just doing the preliminary testing now. We have to have some of the bw and testing repeated bc they want it all within a year and we started everything last July. H had his full bw and SA done and I will have my CD 3 bw done next cycle (I was on vacation on CD 3 this cycle) plus a repeat HSG. We need to meet with a social worker at the clinic and have a meeting with our RE. Once those are all done we can move forward with picking and securing our donor. I have been on a bunch of the agency sites and already have some favorite donors but I really want H to be a big part of that choice and he hasn't looked yet.

The 'choosing a donor' part of the process is so interesting. I'm interested to see what H looks for.

[Deleted User] · June 2017

So exciting to hear your progress!!! @JamieH2000 and rooting for you both! @laurad75 :D How are you doing??? @20T ❤❤❤

JamieH2000 · June 2017

Thanks @businesswife!!

@laurad75- we had to redo our testing too since it was all done in July! I'm a little surprised you need an hSG since that normally checks your tubes are open and that's not too important at this point

for us, we each looked at the donors and picked our top 3. We each picked the same and even in the same order I think! I guess I tried to pick someone that looked more like me than not, but it was just kind of a gut decision. All our choices seemed to have more education than HS and then some college or maybe a 4 year degree. And school is also not a guarantee of intelligence. So I also read their answers to the questions and found I liked the ones that wrote more bc I felt I connected with them more. Didn't pay a lot of attention to family health history since so much is dependent on life style. Good luck on making the pick and can't wait to see you get started!

fivetimesnoluck · June 2017

Ladies, I am excited to see you making progress on the way to your eventual transfers. It's a lot of hurry up and wait, but that's just how it goes. I promise it's all worth it.

Congrats on getting your donor approved, @JamieH2000! That's huge!

Good luck in the next steps, @laurad75 - it was definitely exciting and interesting to see how DH and were aligned and where we were different on our priorities in a donor.

Congrats on your twins, @TaylorMichel - what a great story of how you got here! Sometimes the most unexpected outcomes are the best outcomes!

AFM, DH and I have been having conversations about how/what we will tell our donor-conceived kiddo(s), and it's very interesting how he has evolved on the subject. At first, he didn't feel it would be necessary. His thought was since I carried the baby, there shouldn't be any questions/discussion. But I recently made the point to him that we all now have access to more information on our DNA and backgrounds than ever before.... we would have to be open with the kid at some point. Plus, we haven't kept it a secret from our close friends and family, so I would hate for it to be a taboo subject for the child it actually impacts. He realizes that and accepts it, so now we talk more about when it's a good idea to introduce the concept. (And we don't have that answer, but it will be figured out eventually.)

One of the things I have come to realize through this process is as much as we often try and plan for/prepare certain realities in advance, frankly, there are just some things that you can't prepare for or decide until it's in front of you.

Wishing each of you luck as you keep moving forward!

JamieH2000 · June 2017

@fivetimesnoluck- always good to hear from you and soo happy things are going good!! We have also decided we will be open with our child (and others) about the donor process. I feel like with today's technology, it would be an impossible secret to keep. I also feel like keeping it a secret makes it a "bad" thing and its nothing to be ashamed of. While sometimes I would like to forget this whole journey, it will be part of our story. As for specifically how to tell a child, I agree, you can't really plan that right now. I guess I just plan to read the books to them and be prepared for hard to answer questions about how babies are made (earlier than normal probably)! Please keep us posted on your progess!

laurad75 · June 2017

@fivetimesnoluck @JamieH2000 I think about this a lot - how to explain it to the child. We will definitely share it with him/ her but I will want to be very careful not to overwhelm them and not to make it sound 'weird' and very careful not to ever give them the idea that I am not there mother in every way. I'm sure I will do lots of research on this when we get to that point. I'm glad there are a lot of resources.

marioana99 · June 2017

Due to my long and not successful IVF journey I started thinking of donor eggs. But my DH is a little resistant, meaning he didn't say no to donor eggs, but he is super picky about the donor. We looked at about 10 agencies or more, and I don't think he said yes to more than 3 or 4 donors. He says that choosing half the genes for his child is something you don't take lightly. I understand his point of view, but I am also thinking of costs and it freaks me out. Although my insurance covers donor eggs, so the actual IVF won't cost me much, the agency fee, the donor fee and all other misc things do add up. If I go through my clinic is $14.000, but if I go through an agency it jumps by a few thousands at least, not considering travel costs for the donor if she is out or state...
Anyone had similar problems? How did you approach this?

JamieH2000 · June 2017

marioana99- Its such a personal decision, so I get his point of view. For us, we realized that no one would ever be "me", so we weren't that picky overall. We also wanted to use our in house donor list, since it was cheaper and so much screening/testing had already been done, so the process would be shorter and less risk hopefully. We found someone that looks more like me than not (same color hair, diff color eyes, a few inches shorter). We also really liked her responses to the questions they asked. I feel like anyone who does this must be a decent person because while they get paid some, i really don't think you go through this for the $$. For us, proven was also very important, so we weren't going to be the first couple to use a new donor, so that limited things a little. We looked through our clinics database (~20 or so) and me and my DH picked our top three separately. We actually picked the same three, though we both have discussed what we were looking for kind of. Not sure if any of these ideas will help you.. but wanted to throw them out!

fivetimesnoluck · June 2017

@marioana99 Welcome - I am sorry you find yourself here, but hopeful that you and DH can come together on the same page and feel good about moving ahead.

My DH was not really open to IVF at all initially, much less with donor eggs. But then we ran out of other options and he came around. I think it takes men longer to process sometimes. Even now, he has more concerns than I do about me feeling 'left out' - I guess that's the best way to say it.

I will also add that it seems from many stories here that the DH is often a little challenged by the process of picking a donor. Everybody comes at it differently, but like @JamieH2000 said, we were not looking for or expecting to find a mini-me. We prioritized someone who had similar features (curly hair, above avg. height) but put more emphasis on the genetic history and personality questions. I kind of feel like having access to baby/childhood pictures actually made it easier than looking at adults and trying to see yourself in them. (We selected our donor from a frozen egg bank.)

Maybe you can each make a list of what your priorities are and use that as a guide. Pick favorites separately and then come together to compare.

Wishing you the best as you move forward!

laurad75 · June 2017

@marioana99 As the others have already said, we are sorry you find yourself here but glad to have you. Your H is right, it's not something to be taken lightly but once you come up with some priorities you will hopefully find the right fit.

We are still doing a lot of the preliminary testing so we are not at the stage of picking a donor yet. Still, I have been spending a lot of time looking at some of the girls just to get an idea of what I would be looking for. Our clinic doesn't have an in-house agency but I am focused on the agencies they have worked with in the past. We are confident we can find someone local in New England which will narrow down the field as well. I am hoping we can find someone with blue eyes to give them a shot of having eyes like mine and I will count on H to look for other physical qualities he thinks are similar to mine. It may take a while but we will find her.

radmom27 · July 2017

I just wanted to thank everyone on this board for being so kind to share information. I am officially pursuing the donor route and am right now leaning toward purchasing a frozen lot of eggs. It took a lot of time and emotional energy for me to get to the place where I feel like this is the right decision but I feel at peace with it now. I'm hoping to hear a lot of success stories from this group in the near future!

JamieH2000 · July 2017

@radmom27- i know its such a hard decision, but EVERYONE that i have talked to says that once the child is here, they would have it no other way. I can't think of many things in life where people really all say the same thing like that, so I can only believe that is how I will feel (hopefully soon!). You still have two embryos for an FET try right?! Does your clinic work with a certain frozen bank? If you want to friend me on FB, I can add you to a good secret ED group, just PM me.

laurad75 · July 2017

@radmom27 I agree, it's such a hard decision to make but when we officially decided to pursue that route I felt relieved. When going through IVF with my own eggs I just knew it wouldn't work and I feel so much more confident that this path is how we will get our family.

radmom27 · July 2017

@JamieH2000 @laurad75 I feel relieved. I've tried so hard to make this work with my own eggs but have known for a year that the chances are low. I feel like continuing to do this is like slamming my head into a wall repeatedly. It was hard to convince hubby but now that I have, he wants to move forward as quickly as possible.
@JamieH2000 My insurance will only cover one more IVF cycle this year and I'm going to use the coverage to help pay for a donor cycle. I do have two frozen embies but I just don't have much hope that those are my ticket to a take home baby. I am contemplating using my frozens with my donor cycle and hope that something sticks but I worry that my bad eggs may sabotage the good ones.

JamieH2000 · July 2017

@radmom27- does an FET count as an ivf cycle? Are the embryos day 3 or day 5? Maybe they could thaw them and see how they look? That is so great your insurance would help with donor! Mine will let me use the rest of my coverage for the transfer but it's almost gone anyway. So glad that you feel relieved about this path. It's so exciting to be dealing with a path that has higher odds of it working than not!!

radmom27 · July 2017

@JamieH2000 In my insurance plan, an FET doesn't count for one of my lifetime cycles but counts toward the number of cycles I can have in a one year period (3 max). I'm so thankful to have any coverage but some of the rules for coverage are a little silly.
For the first time in over a year, I feel excited about the prospect of something actually working!

JamieH2000 · July 2017

@radmom27- I totally get what you mean about being excited for finally just getting to a plan that has such good odds of working! What are your next steps now?

AFM- I have TWO good updates to share! My lawyer heard from the donor's lawyer and she is willing to exchange names and emails! I think this is perfect for us. Our main goal has just been to keep doors open for the future in case our (hopeful) children would feel the need to meet her someday way in the future. I will probably send her an email once I get it to say thank you and tell her a little bit about us just since we get so much info about her. I will also let her know that we will respect her privacy and not bother her, but should she wish to get updates, we would be happy to share as well. The second piece is good news is that we have our calendar and that is making this SO real!! First appt for me will be end of July, with potential transfer around 8/20. Hard to believe that is only 6 weeks away!! I feel like things are finally starting to come together and this is what we were supposed to do. Just starting to stress a little about how many eggs/embryos we will get, but trying to take it one step at a time and stay positive. My goal for the next few weeks is to majorly cut back on drinking, eat healthier (contemplating gluten free or lower carb at least) and work out more to try to lose a few pounds before transfer.

laurad75 · July 2017

@JamieH2000 That is so exciting to have a calendar and 6 weeks will fly by.

@radmom27 I know exactly what you mean. I know I've mentioned this here before but when I was doing IVF with my eggs I knew it wasn't going to work. I kept saying it felt like a weird project or experiment we were doing that in no way would ever result in a baby. Now, I feel like we are on a path that will finally lead us to our family.

AFM: Still slow going but I rather unexpectedly got my period last Friday - I cannot predict my cycles at all anymore. So, I was able to do my bw this morning and I'm doing a sonohysterogram on Thursday. At that point all of our initial testing will be done and we can set up appts with the doctor and social worker to start moving ahead.

fivetimesnoluck · July 2017

Congrats, @radmom27 - I am so excited for you to have a plan to move forward! Do you know which egg bank you will be using? Do you have an expected timeline for how things will move ahead?

@JamieH2000 Yay for progress! August will be here before you know it! I am happy for you and look forward to hearing about your experience! Giving yourself an unrelated goal is a great way to help the time pass! (I did Weight Watchers for the last three months before I got my BFP. It was a great distraction and totally worked. I lost 20 lbs before I quit due to the pg.)

@laurad75 It's definitely nice to get all of the testing out of the way. I am rooting for you and am so happy to have this board to keep up with you all. Remind me - have y'all selected your donor yet, or still looking?

AFM, I can say that seeing the potential for a successful outcome for the first time in 4.5 years of TTC - it's an amazing feeling. I offer thanks and appreciation to my donor daily, and even though she will stay anonymous to us, I consider her a crucial piece of my life's puzzle. (She is open to contact from future children, but our bank only facilitates that after child reaches 18.)

I met someone recently who is finalizing plans to be a gestational carrier for a gay couple. I got so emotional when she told me what she was doing. I opened up to her about the fact that a donor made my pregnancy possible and through tears, told her how much what she is doing means to people like me.

For me, I haven't spent a lot of time on what may be missing or different. Instead, I am simply in awe of the science that allows us this opportunity and so, so grateful for the chance to carry my own child. But, even if we pursued adoption or surrogacy, I know that being a parent isn't defined by how your child came to you. It's so much more than that.

20T · July 2017

@JamieH2000 that's fantastic news!! Congratulations!
Good luck with your sonoysterogram this week @laurad75

JamieH2000 · July 2017

@laurad75- yay for getting going on the testing! Always is nice to check things off on the "checklist"!

@fivetimesnoluck- Thank you! that is great you could lose the weight before pregnancy! Its amazing how this process adds on a few lbs a year and how hard is it to get them off. Its extra hard for me in the summer to lose weight, but now I am so motivated since I have the best reason and its also only 6 weeks away

I am so happy for you that things are still going well!! I love your attitude, and I feel so grateful to science and our donor as well. With each passing day, I feel more excited, and less loss about this path. I know soon it will be only excitement. Please keep us updated on how things are going!

JamieH2000 · July 2017

@20t- I was posting while you were I think! How have you been?

20T · July 2017

Hey @JamieH2000

I'm doing ok, just plugging along. We're definitely going the donor route now after much discussion and crying. It just really doesn't seem financially responsible to continue with my eggs when the chances are so incredibly low. I'm still wrapping my head around it all but am starting to come to a positive place. You're getting so close now, that has to be getting exciting!!

JamieH2000 · July 2017

@20T- Glad you are doing ok, but totally understand the sadness and greiving on moving down this path. Take the time you need, and I promise it gets better. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to, and you definitely aren't alone (as you can tell from this lovely group of ladies). Happy to answer any questions if I can or if you need to just vent!

[Deleted User] · July 2017

@20T So glad you guys are making some progress here... painful tho it may be... ❤
<img src="https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/py/nhacc9a9fwi1.gif" alt="">

radmom27 · July 2017

@laurad75 It's funny...I remember you posting awhile ago about not having hope for your own eggs and that really really resonated with me and probably helped me come to the realization that I was in the same boat.
@fivetimesnoluck I had a meeting with my RE about donor options and my head is kind of spinning. I walked into the meeting thinking that I was definitely going to do frozen eggs but then find out my insurance doesn't cover any of the frozen donor cycle which makes it about monetarily equal to go with a donor versus a frozen egg cycle. I'm going to take a couple of days and think about it and try to decide. I'm hoping to figure this all out and get to cycling in three months or so.
@20T I completely understand where you are and am likely in a similar mental place. I had a major breakdown today...just overwhelmed with the whole process and frustrated.

AFM, meeting with my RE today was helpful but also made me more confused. She feels strongly that I should use my last two frozen embryos before I move forward with the donor process. I just don't know if my heart is in it anymore. I feel like there is a 0.1 % chance that these embryos will result in a take-home baby and I'm just not sure I want to put more time, money and more importantly heart-ache into the whole process of using my own eggs. Lots to think about...

IVF with donor eggs

Re: IVF with donor eggs

Choose Another Board

Search Boards