Friendships strained by pregnancy?

mcrosie · June 2017

Curious if anyone is experiencing this yet.

I have a friend who for the last TWO YEARS had been one of those people who felt the need to ask or suggest I was pregnant every time I had a headache, was sick, tired, etc. Since it was very slow going (took us well over a year to get pregnant) it was really aggravating and I finally told her flat out to stop asking me or hinting.

I should point out that she very much wants a baby, but she got divorced a couple years ago and hasn't found anyone to settle down with. I get that. I didn't get married until I was 34! But it's really bothering her.

So a couple months ago - right before I got my BFP, she told me that if she found out I was pregnant she'd probably stop talking to me because she wants a baby so bad but can't handle it.

I'm kind of just letting this friendship wither right now, TBH. Maybe that's the wrong move, but I think that was a crappy thing for her to say. She's not infertile, she's single. And she still has PLENTY of time. But how am I supposed to be friends with someone right now who told me they'd stop talking to me if the thing I've wanted for so long finally happened?

madcouplewithabox · June 2017

That's a pretty shitty thing to say. I would talk to her about it before you say anything about the pregnancy. See if it was something she said on the fly if things might have just piled up and she said something she didn't mean. A friendship should never end just because of pregnancy. Your pregnancy will change the friendship dynamic and she might need space which is understandable. But to just stop being friends with someone because they are pregnant is silly.

mashuga5775 · June 2017

This happened to me. I had a friend that had been trying for a while and I got pregnant on accident. When I told her she said I hate you and walked away. I was done!

Ready4theParty · June 2017

Ditto. My best friend in college and I ended up being due two weeks apart. She is a huge AW and I am not. She really wanted a girl (was very vocal about it) but had a boy. Her live gender reveal was epic because it's obvious by the look on her face she didn't want a boy. I went late with DD and BF was so certain she was going to have DS before me. She made everything a competition and I finally had to stop talking to her. It still makes me sad, but you have to keep your sanity too.

zamoraspin · June 2017

It's always sad to lose a friendship. Sometimes a friendship turns out to only be for a season of your life.

I will say this though - it is possible to both be happy for a friend's pregnancy and sad for yourself. We talked a little earlier this week in the Wednesday ticker change thread and I got some great advice on breaking the news to friends who are struggling with IF. Do - break the news via text, allow your friend time to process the feeling. Don't - share pictures of HPT tests, announce with props or sayings that make others feel lesser ("only the best husbands get promoted to dad").

For those of us who didn't have a protracted struggle to conceive and keep a pregnancy, it is hard to imagine what it feels like when someone announces a pregnancy and you yourself are unsure if you'll ever have a baby of your own. If you've ever taken a pregnancy test and hoped it was positive only to have it be negative, maybe that is 1/1000th of the feeling.

I have friends struggling with IF and I know I have to be careful how I break the news. I also have a friend who is happily married but who will likely take the news poorly because she wants kids and he doesn't and they debated it a long time - and decided not to have kids. So hearing that I am pregnant will be painful for her because she has previously talked about how when myself and another friend of mine have children we won't hang out with her anymore.

If you want to maintain a friendship and you are the one who is changing, you have to be the one who works to preserve it.

KLake42 · June 2017

Speaking as someone who is solidly infertile (my ovaries are toast-- after two years and a lot of procedures, I got pregnant with my wife's eggs), I struggled when friends got pregnant, while I was getting BFNs after BFNs.

But I didn't let it impact our friendships. I decided that the more babies in my life, the more likely my body would kick into gear and make things happen. I gave myself permission to not attend a baby shower, if it felt too hard, but I decided I was ok to go.

The childfree-not-by-choice folks have different ways of dealing with it, though. I chose to have faith, and try to think positive. Not everyone can.

I'd recommend having a direct conversation with your friend-- "if you need space from me because I'm pregnant, that's ok, we don't have to be close, but I don't want to hang out if I'm wondering whether you meant it when you said you didn't want to be around me." Maybe she doesn't even remember saying that to you, or she never thought through how mean it was to say.

mdfarmchick · June 2017

We tried off and on for 17 months to get pregnant with our first because DH ends up traveling a lot for his job, and we have been trying for 14 months before we got this BFP.

I can honestly say that one of my bff mom friends found out she was pregnant three weeks before me, and she was really worried about how I would take it. The truth was, I was just genuinely happy for her. Every pregnancy announcement I have seen on Facebook has given me a little twinge of "I can't wait for that to be us," but babies are a joy. I can't be upset about that. I will say I had some tough moments when I found out my SIL was expecting when we were still trying for our 2nd because she has been very verbal about hating pregnancy and not wanting a third. She also didn't want her second and both were surprise pregnancies. She is also very competitive about any attention that my DS gets from my ILs because she sees it as taking away from her kids. So, that one was rough but I am still genuinely happy for them and that they finally got their boy.

All of that to say, if your "friend" isn't able to set aside her disappointment in being in different places in your lives, and be genuinely happy for you--even though she wishes for a baby and a family, then she doesn't sound like a very good friend.

steph30032 · June 2017

I can sort of relate. I have two friends who have some major fertility issues. One friend deleted me from all social media and stopped talking to me suddenly when I got pregnant with DS1. I tried to be sympathetic and not get upset when this happened because she had just had her third miscarriage. It's about a year and a half later and she's 16 weeks pregnant now so good for her; but we never repaired that friendship. My other friend has been actively trying to conceive for about 4 years now. She was happy for me and supportive when I had my son, but now here I am, almost two years later and pregnant again. She's going through IVF and is scared and not feeling like it's going to work. I'm terrified to tell her that I'm pregnant again. We've been best friends for 21 years, so I'm sure we'd be fine, but I don't want to rub it in her face. And she lives in a different state than I do, so I can't really spend time with her to make sure she's ok. It'll all be texts and calls. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to be pregnant, we tried for exactly one year before BFP, but I'm just nervous about telling friends.

zamoraspin · June 2017

@steph30032 It seems like you are sensitive to your friend's feelings and are going to act accordingly. I think all you can do is your best and I really hope you are able to maintain the friendship.

JuliaGoolia719 · June 2017

as someone who dealt with IF for almost 3 years before we got our BFP (via IVF and FET) I can tell you that its hard when it feels like everyone around you is getting pregnant and you aren't. Not gonna lie, for about the last 9 mos before we started IVF every time I saw a pregnancy announcement I basically drank a bottle of wine and cried, I was so happy for my friends but so so sad for me. One of my best friends for the last 28 years found out she was pregnant while we were trying and I literally cried for 45 minutes before I was able to call her and congratulate her (she gracefully allowed me to play off my post cry stuffy nose voice as allergies because she is wonderful).
Sometimes people need distance for their own sanity, and that's ok. It might mean that friendship never quite goes back to how it was before, but if they can't handle this change in your life the friendship wasn't going to make it anyway. For some people in my life I distanced myself because it was too hard and the friendship wasn't as solid/strong for me to work through it, for friendship I mentioned above I hosted her baby shower, because I knew that no matter how sad I was for me in that moment that it was something I'd regret not doing for her in 5 years if I didn't do it.

madcouplewithabox · June 2017

@JuliaGoolia719 I hear ya on the bottle of wine! I dreaded every major event I had to go to because I knew there would be multiple people coming up asking when we were going to have kids. It's a horrible little mini hell that really messes with the mind.

amandaplus1onboard · June 2017

I wouldn't say I have a strained friendship, yet, I have a friend who has been tying for years, during this time I have been pregnant a few times, one successful and a couple MC. She was dealing with her own infertility, seems now all is cleared up on her end and we are all hoping she will conceive soon. But when I told her of this pregnancy (my 4th, while she has yet to conceive once) I was very nervous and sad for her. (We've always wanted to have babies together as we both grew up together and she has been struggling with fertility while I on the other hand seem to have no problem conceiving - just not always carrying to term). She's my best friend and I don't believe she resents me, she's been with me through the joy and the loss, But I fear if she can't become pregnant there might be some resentment down the line... I hope not.
everytime we share our news I feel the sadness I think she must be feeling, even though I know she is happy for us too.
I think pregnancy and birth can be a touchy subject for many and for many different reasons (ability, inability, desire not to, accidents, or planned) but I Also think true friendships can be respectful, some may just need some time or may distance themselves for a time in order to cope. And I think that's ok too

mcrosie · June 2017

So my friend did indeed stop talking to me. I told her privately because I didn't want her to find out on Facebook. She said she was happy for me, but she didn't want to hear about it.

Again, she's not struggling with infertility. She's just single. I know that's hard, but it took us well over a year to get pregnant, so yeah I'd really love if she could be there for me more. Sigh.

missblaze · June 2017

@mcrosie That's really unfortunate. I'm very sorry.

mcrosie · June 2017

missblaze said:

@mcrosie That's really unfortunate. I'm very sorry.

Eh, it's ok. I think there are times in your life where you get a chance to reevaluate your relationships, and this is one. I had a really, really bad accident a few years ago and was hospitalized for several weeks, and I was amazed by the friends I didn't hear from, and the not-that-close-previously friends who came by frequently just to keep me company. These things really test relationships.

missblaze · June 2017

@mcrosie I agree 100%. I actually distanced myself from my BFF right after DD's birth. She showed up the day she was born, had her nice photo op, and then I didn't hear from her for over a month. Keep in mind I had a C-section and recovery was REALLY rough. It showed me who really cared at the time.

madcouplewithabox · June 2017

@mcrosie I'm so sorry. It's really hard when someone chooses to take themselves out of your life instead of just working through their struggle together with you.

*edited to put a more appropriate word in place of issue*

BelhurstBride · June 2017

I echo what some pp's have said in that if you've never lost a pregnancy or had TTTC you have no idea what these people are feeling. For me it was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced in my life. Having to distance myself from expectant friends and new announcements had nothing to do with them, it was all on me. But the friends who were thoughtful in how they handled themselves around me during that time are still in my life; those who were all "well you should work through your issue for my sake" are not. I'll let you guess who the better friends were to begin with.

And if one month of pregnancy is already changing your friendships wait until you see what motherhood does!

Want a personalized experience?

Friendships strained by pregnancy?

Re: Friendships strained by pregnancy?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards