How to help a friend going through a loss while I go through infertility... — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

How to help a friend going through a loss while I go through infertility...

I feel lost as far as how to make sense of this, so I need some advice.  I've been going through infertility for the past two years.  I am scheduled for a surgery in a couple of months that will hopefully increase my chances, but I still am not likely to get pregnant without IVF.  It's been a very difficult time.

I have a friend who has been gracious in lending an ear through my past two years of struggle.  Positive, while not always able to completely understand, she has been a huge help in helping me cope.

She has just suffered a loss of her first pregnancy.  After years of not knowing if she wanted kids, she got pregnant right away and is now devastated.

I'm hoping for some words of wisdom about how to separate our experiences - similar pain, but in such different ways.  Do I keep her updated on my struggles as well?  Or will it just scare her and remind her of her pain?  How do I stop comparing our situations?  I hurt for her so badly, and it's bringing up so much pain for my infertility, but I feel ashamed that maybe my pain isn't as significant as hers.

What kind of support would you want from your infertile friend as you go through a pregnancy loss?  Would you feel that they understand you and can empathize, or would you not want to hear about it?

Re: How to help a friend going through a loss while I go through infertility...

  • My best friend is struggling with infertility and I have had two losses during her time of TTC.  my friend is super supportive.  She doesn't talk about her issues at first. She waits for me to ask her about what's going on and that lets her know that I'm ok with talking about her struggles.  As far as support for me, she just listens, lets me cry when I need to and provides hugs when I need them.  She doesn't compare situations just as I don't compare our situations.  I very much would love for her to get pregnant and would be very happy for her not saying that it wouldn't sting but I wouldn't want her to not experience motherhood if that is her dream.  I hope that helps and that fact that you came here to ask for suggestions shows that you are a very caring supportive person and you will figure out the balance for your situation.  I hope your friend has a healthy recovery emotionally and physically.  I'm also sorry that you are struggling to conceive.   This whole process is so stressful.  I hope you take care of yourself as well. 
  • adiratadirat member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    @moonstruck1018 I'm sorry for what you are both going through. I went through IF and diagnosis only to have a second tri loss, so I feel you -- these things are related but different. Can you start with something as simple as, "I love you so I want to do what's easiest for you -- do you want to talk about it?" 

    For me, some days I really want to talk about my loss and some days I don't. Some days I want to talk about my IF prognosis/treatment and sometimes I don't. I imagine many people feel this way. Something like, "How are you doing today? Want to talk about it?" or "I have some IF news - is today a good day to talk about it?" 
    DH & I: Both 28
    TTC #1 June 2016
    IF Dx: Premature ovarian insufficiency and luteal phase defect associated with genetic condition
    BFP 2/23/17. Said goodbye to our baby girl at 14 weeks.
    IVF+PGD September 2017 -- 9R, 9M, 7F, 5B; 2 healthy embryos, 1 questionable
    FET November 2017 - failed
    FET December 2017 - success! EDD 9/16/18



  • @moonstruck1018 I bet your friend is so happy to have someone in her life who can possibly understand how difficult it is for some of us to get and stay pregnant.. Sometimes I think just an honest question and checking in on how she feels that day and if she feels like talking like @adirat and @Mack2342
    adirat
  • I myself have suffered from recurrent miscarriages and I would feel lucky to have a friend that has experienced something similar because I know she truly understands my pain and just to have an experienced listening ear make all the difference. I would say to continue to be there and support each other through this difficult time, stay positive and pray often. Thursday I lost my pregnancy at 8 weeks this is the 6th loss the very first being an ectopic with the loss of my left fallopian tube. But I continue to remain positive and hopeful that one day I will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and baby. Until that time I accept and appreciate any support from family and friends.
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