Devastated

LindseyPinOKC · May 2017

I've been a lurker and haven't posted on here until now. I am feeling scared about the future and need some support from my fellow mommas to be. I got myself into a situation. I've been with my husband for many years and we have been married for almost 5. Last year I discovered that he was having an ongoing affair with another woman. He does not know that I know. I hinted and brought up scenarios that a "friend" was going thru with her husband. He never admitted anything and played cool. In an effort to save my marriage I stopped taking birth control and didn't tell him. We got pregnant and our son is due at the beginning of August. He was visibly shocked when I told him I was pregnant. He has had some health problems so he blamed his reaction on his age and health as his main concern. He pretends to be happy around family and friends but I can tell how he really feels. I don't think he wants this baby. He hasn't been very involved with this pregnancy. He works very late every night and I am sure he is probably still seeing her. When we are alone together I can feel the strain. We bicker over small things like dinner, weekend plans, the state of the house, and even a name for our son. He tries to act as though nothing is wrong but I fear that I have destroyed my marriage even more than it was before. I fear divorce will be inevitable and I will be raising this baby alone.

Nxy · May 2017

LindseyPinOKC said:

I've been a lurker and haven't posted on here until now. I am feeling scared about the future and need some support from my fellow mommas to be. I got myself into a situation. I've been with my husband for many years and we have been married for almost 5. Last year I discovered that he was having an ongoing affair with another woman. He does not know that I know. I hinted and brought up scenarios that a "friend" was going thru with her husband. He never admitted anything and played cool. In an effort to save my marriage I stopped taking birth control and didn't tell him. We got pregnant and our son is due at the beginning of August. He was visibly shocked when I told him I was pregnant. He has had some health problems so he blamed his reaction on his age and health as his main concern. He pretends to be happy around family and friends but I can tell how he really feels. I don't think he wants this baby. He hasn't been very involved with this pregnancy. He works very late every night and I am sure he is probably still seeing her. When we are alone together I can feel the strain. We bicker over small things like dinner, weekend plans, the state of the house, and even a name for our son. He tries to act as though nothing is wrong but I fear that I have destroyed my marriage even more than it was before. I fear divorce will be inevitable and I will be raising this baby alone.

DeansGirl14 · May 2017

Wow. I'm sorry, but I can't touch this with a ten foot pole. My only suggestion is getting yourself to counseling ASAP.

SpotConlon · May 2017

This is way above the pay grade for a forum on the Bump.

imwithbaby · May 2017

I'll bite.

So, to be clear, you have chosen, without your husband's agreement, to create a new life to "save your marriage"? In what world is tricking your husband into conception a way to *save* a marriage? Your husband is terrible for having an affair, and you're surely no innocent party for deceiving him (those are my nice words).

Straight up, y'all need therapy. Like, yesterday. And definitely before this child arrives.

(And, fair warning, if you came here for reassurance and sugary love, you probably won't get it because both of your actions are ridiculous. But we're really great at tough love and straight talk!)

LindseyPinOKC · May 2017

you can't but you did lol

SouthernMama15 · May 2017

mrsmatt1212 said:

I'll bite.

So, to be clear, you have chosen, without your husband's agreement, to create a new life to "save your marriage"? In what world is tricking your husband into conception a way to *save* a marriage? Your husband is terrible for having an affair, and you're surely no innocent party for deceiving him (those are my nice words).

Straight up, y'all need therapy. Like, yesterday. And definitely before this child arrives.

(And, fair warning, if you came here for reassurance and sugary love, you probably won't get it because both of your actions are ridiculous. But we're really great at tough love and straight talk!)

This. In what universe would that actually work?

britvahok · May 2017

@LindseyPinOKC So you find out your husband is cheating and you think the way to save you marriage is stop taking BC. Why did you chose that over therapy or leaving his ass???

Image: https://media1.giphy.com/media/l46C7X7h54JXm23YY/giphy.gif?response_id=5924ad5e03333d5f37e07439

HappyToBeHere · May 2017

Yeah, you say you need support from other mommas to be, but we can't offer that here on TB. You and your husband need marriage counseling.

lewliv · May 2017

MUD? Otherwise, you and your husband deserve each other. Two deceiving sweethearts

morgy_bee · May 2017

Is this real life???

tova24 · May 2017

As a person who is going to be a single mom because my ex left me after finding out I was pregnant with his child (not intentional. Condom broke, Plan B wasn't effective), here are my 2 cents. You created this life. You got to put your baby first. If he is not wanting to be a father, then stop thinking about how sad you are and start thinking about what your baby needs. You cannot play the victim.

AdvoCyndi30 · May 2017

Gosh.

I can't imagine the pressure your child will feel with the responsibility you've put on his or her shoulders. I mean...you've given them the job of saving your marriage, something two adults haven't been able to do so far.

I want to have some sympathy, but I can't. You need to call him out and get to the "ugly" stuff. Can't fix something you won't address.

taylormarie923 · May 2017

Well, it's a known fact that babies fix everything.

mrsvp614 · May 2017

Nothing but tough love from me either. I hate confrontation, but I cannot imagine not addressing this issue immediately with DH. It's time to put on your big girl pants and work on your marriage issues.

smallbutmighty77 · May 2017

@tova24 you are one bad a** momma to be!

As for this mess...therapy can only do so much, especially if he has been involved with someone else for so long. Your child needs a strong parent- not parents who are too involved in hiding/ faking/ fixing their marriage or whatever it is at this point.
Put on your big girl pants and realize you might be raising this child alone, and that you put yourself in this position, not your child, so make sure your LO never reads this post and realizes they were a 'oopsie-ploy to get daddy' baby. I feel like this is some bad tv shit.

emilyrose807 · May 2017

I guess I disagree with a lot of the posts. Mistakes were made, but you can't really undo them. You tried to save your marriage and maybe it will, probably it won't. If it were me, I would do some intensive soul searching (maybe along with a good counselor) to try to figure out what direction I want my life to take. It is never easy to end a marriage, even if it is screwed up.

You have so much potential to make a beautiful life out of a mess. Seriously, as long as you are alive and still on the journey, you can make your life what you want of it. Start asking and answering the difficult questions. Don't choose easy answers like you did this time. Get some feedback from trusted friends and maybe a counselor. You can make something out of this for your child. He deserves that much.

Best wishes.

clairemwalker · May 2017

The only chance you have to save your marriage is to confront him about his infidelity, and most likely confess what you have done too. Then address the issues in your marriage, as while i do not condone cheating, i do believe that it is a symptom of the issues, not the cause of them. If you are able to save your marriage it wont be easy, and i dont know why you thought having a baby would help things - most couples report the worst stress in their marriage in the first two years of having a baby. Good luck and i hope you can both put on your adult panties and sort your life out a bit that this poor kid has now been brought into the middle of.

morgy_bee · May 2017

The OP started a discussion that was clearly only beneficial to her rather than the whole community which should have been shut down.

Then she returned once to comment
LindseyPinOKC said:

you can't but you did lol

Then has never returned. Let's let this one go.

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