AF arrived, Just need to vent. Long story...thanks for listening

Feeling pretty down today. I don't post here often, mostly because I don't want to be reminded of how hard this is, but I know that I should. It would probably help me emotionally and I would like to be a positive person for others on the days that I can as well. I've posted once before but its been a while. Basic jist is: I'm 40 and DH is 38. We've been trying for 2 years. One year natural with 6 months of that using ovulation tests. Then the next year working with my OB on doing tests since we weren't getting pregnant. DH is normal and so far they haven't found anything going on with me. I am thankful for that, though it doesn't seem like it makes things any easier. Unexplained infertility sucks. Sometimes I wish there was a reason that I could just blame things on.

Been at the RE since this January. He removed a polyp back in March. Just finished my first cycle of 100mg clomid a few weeks ago. The side effects sucked. I felt electrically charged most of the time and the only thing I could do to not feel it was just work and keep busy. The second I stopped I felt it. Kinda like I was plugged into a low voltage socket. Sort of like being on cafffine but being so tired in the background. The side effects only really lasted about 10 days though and then I felt positive that things would go good this month. I had three folicles that produced eggs that were large enough. This month we decided to just do clomid with natural. I had some pretty bad ovary pain till the day after I ovulated. Two days ago I was super nauseous and though it sucked, it made me hopefully that this would be the month.

Well yesterday on Mothers Day, AF arrived. My typical cycles were 29 days but this is day 23. Felt like a cruel joke to give me AF on Mothers day. Sort of a slap in the face like, "haha, you'll never be a mother" I don't have many people to talk to this about. My best friend who I talk to about everything got pregnant back in Nov so I don't want to be a downer for her experience. My mom is wonderful, but gave birth to me at 20 years old and feels like if I can't have a kid naturally then its not meant to be. My husband is very sweet but really doesn't know how to handle emotions very well. I have three dogs who are my saviors. I cuddle and cry on their fur all the time. They are all getting older though and I worry that they will pass before i get pregnant and then I don't know what I'll do.

Though I know these feelings will pass and I'll gain my positive strength back again, I try to honor that this is how I am feeling now. I'm dreading going back on clomid, dreading trying IUI this month with trigger shots. I'm very sensitive to medication and each step seems to involve more drugs, or higher dosages. Pissied off that I'm getting symptoms like nausea and not getting pregnant. Dreading how to work this out with my boss as my dr only does IUI in the city so I have to take off a day of work to do it. I have sick days, but wondering how many months of this I can keep it up without telling him. Just doesn't seem like a good idea to tell my boss that I'm trying to get pregnant and undergoing fertility treatments. It already was a bit odd with my polyp removal and the timing of the surgery with my cycle and work.

Anyway, thank you for listening. I am thinking of joining a local infertility group near me to get through this as I don't have much other forms of support in my life right now. My husbands family now knows but they just call and ask him, is I'm ok? I feel like a pitty case as both of his sisters have two kids and they are always asking when we will have ours. Now I wish they didn't know as its made things even more awkward.

Well going to hop in the shower, cry a bit, and muster up the courage to continue on to work today. Thank you for everyone who read this. I appreciate your time and I hope we all get through this journey together. I promise to be more of a contributor in the future.