My husband bought me a car for my 30th last year...a car I wanted since I was 13! There were a few things to sign and I didn't question it.
One of them I learned later was a "Usage Agreement" stating though the car is inmhis name I can use it and some silly stipulations (I was not allowed to put decals on it as I had with my previous car). I thought it was him being funny and tucked this agreement away. I figure...by marriage we both own the car so I can legally use it.
Now he is telling me he needs a copy of the ownership and this usage agreement to change our insurance. Is this really needed?
Its bringing up this feeling of him making me sign the agreement and treating me almost like a child or being somewhat controlling. I brought this up before and he laughed it off...I am feeling a bit...I don't know if disrespected is the word for the way he did this agreement...like he is treating me like a child. But with him not taking me seriously when discussing something like this I am not sure how to talk to him.
@Cauleyflower I don't have any advice on the insurance aspect of things, hopefully we have someone who works in that industry here who might be able to weigh-in? But I totally validate your feelings about that agreement, TBH just reading it made me very uncomfortable and I'd think you'd be well to bring this up again, though of course the million dollar question is how. If it were me, I'd definitely talk to him about how you're feeling again, but I'd probably wait until the current situation has resolved itself, so that you can both go into it with no deadlines or anything else possibly emotionally charged hanging over the subject. I think it's more than fair to talk about how marriage is an equal partnership and this agreement feels more like parent-child or other more power dynamic relationship. I think the key is to be non-accusatory and maybe find out why he felt the usage agreement was necessary in the first part. Good luck! Such a hard situation.
DS1: Nov. 2013 DS2: Jan. 2016 DS3: Dec. 2017 Baby #4 on the way!
@Cauleyflower that sounds weird to me. Maybe call your insurance company and ask? You dont have to give them your name and info, just see if they can advise you.
I feel pretty spiteful right now lol, Id go slap decal on it (I am in no way advising this! It's a bad idea!)
@miranda21037 lol I feel like that to like an F-you. This was supposed to be a gift for me and the control he is trying to hav eover it drives me crazy. He grew up in a "The man is in charge" family and I told him from the start I was having none of that. He is sweet and spoils me but things like this make my blood boil.
I don't even want permanent stickers on this car, its too nice. I have two magnets (and he complains about those). I suspect he is trying to see if I still have the agreement (I have it hidden lol). I don;t know what company he is switching us to but plan to call the current one and ask.
@KatieEl the parent child thing describes how I feel well. There are a lot of things he says sometimes that make it feel that way. For example I had clothes piled in the spare room, summer stuff that needs to be swapped out in my closet and he expressed his displeasure with the mess (fair enough) his wording irked me. I explained what it was there for and he said "Well once its done...never again." Like he could have asked respectfully that in the future I don;t leave that kind of mess...
I do really feel like he doesn't see us as equals and I think its because of the dynamic he grew up with.
@Cauleyflower Hmmm that’s an interesting situation. I hate
feeling talked down to/controlled financially by anyone, especially a man. The
usage agreement would weird me out too. That said, he probably does need the
paper work for insurance… or I don’t see why he would ask? I hope he handles it
more respectfully.
Also, I suspect you are right that his background is coloring how he treats you presently. It takes a while for people to evolve from a place where they merely mimic the behavior the witnessed throughout their life. Definitely speak up for yourself!
@Cauleyflower the entire situation seems a bit odd to me. Does your husband act like this in other aspects of your relationship or is it just a quirk with the car? If this is a one off situation I still think it warrants a frank conversation with him about the dynamic it is creating, but I don't know if I would let it bother me a bunch. If he acts like this in other areas of your relationship, then I think you two have some more significant issues to discuss than this particular topic.
To play devils advocate about the document-Do you have a history of car accidents/moving violations/DUI/other things that cause insurance to be high? Maybe he's done this in an attempt to keep rates low for you two on this car?
Just kind of putting all my thoughts out there...
Jan '18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies
@Cauleyflower yeah him not viewing you as equals is definitely how I'm reading it, and his contract is just a super clear manifestation of that. Definitely a conversation to have before an actual child is in the picture!
DS1: Nov. 2013 DS2: Jan. 2016 DS3: Dec. 2017 Baby #4 on the way!
@Shanski70 No, in the time I have been driving I only had one minor incident where someone hit me in a parking lot (pulled out without looking). The agreement was more about not letting me put decals or accessories on the car as I did with my old one
He is strict with our finances (he is obsessed), and always asks where and what I have spent money on...he closely monitors out bank account and credit cards and I am questioned nearly every time money is spent...this has gotten worse since I got pregnant, but to be fair I am a spender.
@Cauleyflower - ooooh, yeah I think you two need to have some honest conversations with one another. During my first pregnancy my husband would flip out about spending money (buying necessary items like a crib, or baby clothes, etc). We had to have a few conversations, I knew he was coming from a good place, but he needed to adjust his focus (and I needed to stop buying things to buy them). There was some trial and error on both sides, but we did work it out. I hope you and your husband can reach that place too!
Jan '18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies
@Cauleyflower I'm sorry you're in that situation.. I don't have much to add beyond what the other ladies have said, but I definitely agree with them that he's not treating you as his equal, and something should change before your baby is here.
I'm working every night this week since one of my coworkers quit. I hate not having the evenings with DH and DD.. Thankfully this is the only week I need to do it (as far as I know).
@PleaseSendPicklesNow haha well he does more of the daily cleaning than I do (I do the deep cleaning and laundry). He is a student so he is home much more than I am so he cleans and cooks more than I do. I bring home the bacon........ mmmmm now bacon sounds good
Yeah, @Cauleyflower, something sounds a bit "off" with the whole situation to me. The fact that he made you sign a "Usage Agreement," just so you wouldn't put decals/stickers on the car seems incredibly controlling, and to be totally honest, a bit "icky" to me. Couldn't he just have had a conversation with you? Like, "Hey babe, this is a really nice car. Do you think you could not put stickers on it?" The fact that he went to such great lengths (like making you sign a legal document) to keep you from doing something is WAY too far, and in all honesty, seems really unhealthy to me. I think there may be deeper issues to discuss than just this car. I hope my comment wasn't too brutal, but I'm kind of shocked by this whole scenario! Edited: Grammar!
@cyanope I feel that way too, and a bit put off that I wasn't told what it was when I signed it. He thought it was funny and told me I should have read it. But I trusted him.
@cyanope I feel that way too, and a bit put off that I wasn't told what it was when I signed it. He thought it was funny and told me I should have read it. But I trusted him.
That makes me even more mad than originally. Why should you "have to read" something from your number one person. The one who has your back through thick and thin.
He may genuinely be a nice person, but he pulled a giant jerk move imo on this whole thing!
6th cycle of meds/iui combos = BFP!! - EDD 1/21/13 Born via emergency c-section - 8lb, 19.75 in, 100% stubborn
BFP Chart 8 cycles of unmedicated trying = BFP!! - EDD 1/10/18 *Waiting for Baby Eags 2.0*;
@Cauleyflower bells and whistles make all the difference. I recently traded in my Jeep Wrangler, which is still a sore subject, I LOVED my jeep but I will say having a vehicle with gizmos and gadgets is so nice, wranglers are so plain and have nothing haha
@Cauleyflower I'm with everyone else. The whole senario seems very controlling. Even the fact that you don't know what insurance company he wants to switch to seems a little odd to me. Not discussing those small rather inconsequential things like what company car insurance he wants to you want to switch to, seems like an slippery slope to not talking about bigger more important matters. Sharing and being a team with my husband for the small things makes it so much easier for us to deal with the big things in life together.
Jan18 June Siggy Challenge: Fav Fictional Dads
Married April 2016 BFP: 4/21/2017 EDD: 12/31/17 TTC #1: 4/2016 - 4/2017 Became a momma to a wonderfully weird rescue dog in May 2016
@cyanope I feel that way too, and a bit put off that I wasn't told what it was when I signed it. He thought it was funny and told me I should have read it. But I trusted him.
He thought it was "funny?" Eww. Seriously. That seems mildly sadistic to me. Marriage is about transparency, and intentionally tricking you, finding it funny, and then having the audacity to laugh about it is just plain wrong.
@Cauleyflower beyond the opportunities this gives you for a conversation with him (I agree with PP who said to delay conversation after this issue is resolved), I think this situation offers you a chance to start getting more involved in finances/insurance, etc. I totally think any division of roles in that aspect can be successful, but no matter how active you are, it's good for you to have an understanding of where you're at as a family. As in, why are we changing insurance? From what to what? Why is the paperwork needed? Trying to think about this positively - it could give you an opportunity to get more involved in that part of the household. I've heard the expression that as we age, we become more of who we are. If he maybe gives in to more of the controlling tendencies over time, it's important to assert yourself into those discussions now rather than 10 years from now. That way there are no secrets and everything is an open book.
One other tip about this document- if it's in fact a contract, he should've kept a copy, too . More his responsibility than the signer's, in fact! If you go to someone with a contract for them to sign, YOU keep the paperwork. So he could probably find his own copy himself. That's a little facetious to say, though.
Based on his other comment about the clothes, it sounds like he might have a trigger about how people treat things. I've heard that some people believe that how you treat your things is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Maybe your DH has a trigger about this because of his beliefs about money, roles, etc. there might be something going on that isn't a bad intention...he might actually need your help understanding him right now, and it's unfortunately coming across poorly.
You all have given me a lot to think about. I am planning to tell him I don't know where the contract is. I called insurance as a result and they said its not needed (All true) seeing as we are married and its a mutually owned asset. I will ask about the whys of the insurance. I have a learning disability which makes it hard to understand things like managing our finances (he always keeps me up to date on the status of our situation and when he has payed bills) but I am going to discuss ways for me to become more involved. I am hoping to avoid an in-depth discussion about the contract unless he makes it an issue - I am hoping telling him a signed document isn't needed will be enough. I will address similar situations as they come.
I plan to discuss with him about being more of a team in light of a baby coming, and making household management (beyond chores etc) more equal. He is a good man but is definitely aloof in some areas, I am sure none of this is intentionally meant to hurt me. He is amazing in so many other ways, and I have no doubt he cares for me.
I'm late to the party on this one, but are you sure it's a legally binding contract? Did he have a lawyer draw it up? Did he use a legal document template he found online? And if it's the latter, is he certain that it's legally binding?
I ask because I looked up "Vehicle usage agreement," and I found some sample contracts, but they were all for vehicles owned by an employer and used by an employee. I couldn't find anything referring to a vehicle user agreement between spouses, or any other personal/domestic situation.
Since a vehicle should be community property, I don't understand why such an agreement would be necessary. Unless he was trying to make you sign something that explicitly states HE owns the vehicle, and it isn't community property.
@miranda21037 we are *so* getting a Neato (like a roomba, different brand) and this baby is my reason! Our fur kid sheds like nobody's business and the robot vac taking a turn around the house while I sleep sounds like a good way to ensure that the snowman (current nickname for baby bc at the FET thats what it looked like) can have tummy time and not come up in a dog hair suit!
@Cauleyflower that situation would bug me, but I'm also the one who handles 70% of our finances --not bc DH can't, just bc I'd be bugging him with 20 questions if I wasn't-- we obv don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but I think having a frank talk about how this made you feel is very important.
@JuliaGoolia719 I slightly hate you right meow hahaha We have to sweep and swiffer at least once a day or we get animal fur tumbleweeds or furweeds! We also shave our pets in the summer to help cut down on the fur, yes even the 2 cats get shaved. Maybe if I can find a really good one that isnt so expensive he wont mind...... if all else fails Ill just get one, he cant stop me mwahahaha
Re: Monday Randoms: 5/15
A little backstory first...
My husband bought me a car for my 30th last year...a car I wanted since I was 13! There were a few things to sign and I didn't question it.
One of them I learned later was a "Usage Agreement" stating though the car is inmhis name I can use it and some silly stipulations (I was not allowed to put decals on it as I had with my previous car). I thought it was him being funny and tucked this agreement away. I figure...by marriage we both own the car so I can legally use it.
Now he is telling me he needs a copy of the ownership and this usage agreement to change our insurance. Is this really needed?
Its bringing up this feeling of him making me sign the agreement and treating me almost like a child or being somewhat controlling. I brought this up before and he laughed it off...I am feeling a bit...I don't know if disrespected is the word for the way he did this agreement...like he is treating me like a child. But with him not taking me seriously when discussing something like this I am not sure how to talk to him.
- Concieved Through IVF and PGD to screen out genetic disorder (Neurofibromatosis 1)
DS2: Jan. 2016
DS3: Dec. 2017
Baby #4 on the way!
I feel pretty spiteful right now lol, Id go slap decal on it (I am in no way advising this! It's a bad idea!)
I don't even want permanent stickers on this car, its too nice. I have two magnets (and he complains about those). I suspect he is trying to see if I still have the agreement (I have it hidden lol). I don;t know what company he is switching us to but plan to call the current one and ask.
- Concieved Through IVF and PGD to screen out genetic disorder (Neurofibromatosis 1)
I do really feel like he doesn't see us as equals and I think its because of the dynamic he grew up with.
- Concieved Through IVF and PGD to screen out genetic disorder (Neurofibromatosis 1)
@Cauleyflower Hmmm that’s an interesting situation. I hate feeling talked down to/controlled financially by anyone, especially a man. The usage agreement would weird me out too. That said, he probably does need the paper work for insurance… or I don’t see why he would ask? I hope he handles it more respectfully.
Also, I suspect you are right that his background is coloring how he treats you presently. It takes a while for people to evolve from a place where they merely mimic the behavior the witnessed throughout their life. Definitely speak up for yourself!
DD1 EDD 9/29/2015, Born 9/24/2015
DS1 EDD 1/3/2018, Born 12/26/2017
BFP #3 3/21/2019, EDD 11/29/2019, MMC/D&C 5/7/2019
BFP #4 6/28/2019, EDD 3/12/2020
@Cauleyflower the entire situation seems a bit odd to me. Does your husband act like this in other aspects of your relationship or is it just a quirk with the car? If this is a one off situation I still think it warrants a frank conversation with him about the dynamic it is creating, but I don't know if I would let it bother me a bunch. If he acts like this in other areas of your relationship, then I think you two have some more significant issues to discuss than this particular topic.
To play devils advocate about the document-Do you have a history of car accidents/moving violations/DUI/other things that cause insurance to be high? Maybe he's done this in an attempt to keep rates low for you two on this car?
Just kind of putting all my thoughts out there...
Jan '18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies
DS2: Jan. 2016
DS3: Dec. 2017
Baby #4 on the way!
He is strict with our finances (he is obsessed), and always asks where and what I have spent money on...he closely monitors out bank account and credit cards and I am questioned nearly every time money is spent...this has gotten worse since I got pregnant, but to be fair I am a spender.
- Concieved Through IVF and PGD to screen out genetic disorder (Neurofibromatosis 1)
- Concieved Through IVF and PGD to screen out genetic disorder (Neurofibromatosis 1)
Jan '18 December Siggy Challenge: Christmas Movies
I'm working every night this week since one of my coworkers quit. I hate not having the evenings with DH and DD.. Thankfully this is the only week I need to do it (as far as I know).
Edited: Grammar!
- Concieved Through IVF and PGD to screen out genetic disorder (Neurofibromatosis 1)
- Concieved Through IVF and PGD to screen out genetic disorder (Neurofibromatosis 1)
He may genuinely be a nice person, but he pulled a giant jerk move imo on this whole thing!
Born via emergency c-section - 8lb, 19.75 in, 100% stubborn BFP Chart
8 cycles of unmedicated trying = BFP!! - EDD 1/10/18
*Waiting for Baby Eags 2.0*;
Married April 2016
BFP: 4/21/2017 EDD: 12/31/17
TTC #1: 4/2016 - 4/2017
Became a momma to a wonderfully weird rescue dog in May 2016
One other tip about this document- if it's in fact a contract, he should've kept a copy, too
Based on his other comment about the clothes, it sounds like he might have a trigger about how people treat things. I've heard that some people believe that how you treat your things is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Maybe your DH has a trigger about this because of his beliefs about money, roles, etc. there might be something going on that isn't a bad intention...he might actually need your help understanding him right now, and it's unfortunately coming across poorly.
I plan to discuss with him about being more of a team in light of a baby coming, and making household management (beyond chores etc) more equal. He is a good man but is definitely aloof in some areas, I am sure none of this is intentionally meant to hurt me. He is amazing in so many other ways, and I have no doubt he cares for me.
I appreciate everyone sharing their POV
- Concieved Through IVF and PGD to screen out genetic disorder (Neurofibromatosis 1)
I ask because I looked up "Vehicle usage agreement," and I found some sample contracts, but they were all for vehicles owned by an employer and used by an employee. I couldn't find anything referring to a vehicle user agreement between spouses, or any other personal/domestic situation.
Since a vehicle should be community property, I don't understand why such an agreement would be necessary. Unless he was trying to make you sign something that explicitly states HE owns the vehicle, and it isn't community property.
@Cauleyflower that situation would bug me, but I'm also the one who handles 70% of our finances --not bc DH can't, just bc I'd be bugging him with 20 questions if I wasn't-- we obv don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but I think having a frank talk about how this made you feel is very important.
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