Coping with Mother's Day

icecubeinthedesert · April 2017

With Mother's Day approaching in a few weeks, how are you dealing with your loss? For FTM-to be, how are you feeling about it? Current mommas, how has Mother's Day changed for you? What are your plans this year?

icecubeinthedesert · April 2017

Hi all, I'm new to this board (though not to TTCAL), so I hope you all don't mind me starting this thread. I had the realization that Mother's Day is approaching and my heart just sank. I thought this might be the best place to start some dialogue to help support each other during a day off reminder to a lot of us if those we lost.

I am a FTM hopeful, and my first EDD was 3/24/17, so thus should have been my first mother's day. For some reason this is hitting me harder than my EDD, probably because I don't have the luxury of just being sad for this holiday. My SIL will be visiting with my 1 year old niece, and my MIL will also be here. So I know I will have to celebrate them while suffering on my own that day. They know about my loss (at least the first one), but I don't know that either of them understand how I felt and I anticipate they will say the wrong thing. How do you all deal with situations like this?

splashmountain · April 2017

Welcome to this part of tb @icecubeinthedesert. I'm very sorry for your losses and for this horrible reminder. I don't have any advice for you, but I wish you luck and I hope they will surprise you and give you the supposed you need / say the right things.

vlagrl29 · April 2017

I'm sorry Mother's Day is hitting you hard this year. I've never had to deal with a situation like that. I probably would try to avoid it and do something that day that makes me very very happy like the spa or planting flowers or date with DH. It's a shame loss is rarely talked about in the open because everyone thinks its awkward. I wish you luck and hope you can stay strong on that day.

harleyquinn0621 · April 2017

i already fully expect Mother's Day to be a super emotional horrible day .. i think i'm just going to embrace that and stay in bed watching Netflix and eating junk

ladipale · April 2017

@icecubeinthedesert - you ARE a mother, so it is your day as well. I think its important to recognize for yourself that you did a job of being a mother and you continue to - you still love that baby as any mother has/would/will. I know that other people in your life won't think of you as a mother, but just give yourself some grace for that day. Can you do something to commemorate the loss that day? plant a tree or flower? buy yourself a special piece of jewlery?

Even though I have two living kids, last year Mother's Day was hard and I know it will be this year as well. There is no way around it - only living through the day and letting your feelings be real. Be honest with your DH on what you need - especially if it is his family visiting.

toesinthesand-2 · April 2017

I'm literally DREADING Mother's Day. It's just a horrible reminder of our loss.

I have basically vowed to stay off social media that day because I know it's going to be full of my friends posting photos and talking about how blessed and wonderful their life is with their children.

My loss is still very fresh, as it's only been 3 weeks. Easter was miserable, and full of my friends posting photos of their kids with the Easter bunny, going to egg hunts, etc.

ladipale · April 2017

@toesinthesand-2 - yep - stay off social media for sure!!

SP128 · April 2017

I'm trying to not think about Mother's Day. My EDD was May 17. To make matters worse, my freeloading cousin and his wife have an EDD in May as well.

@toesinthesand-2 Staying off social media should help. I know better but am always on it.

@ladipale You made me cry with the "you are a mother" comment. I guess I've always been afraid to think of it that way. I planted literally over 100 tulips to brighten up spring for my May baby. I'll try to take a pic when it stops raining.

icecubeinthedesert · April 2017

@ladipole, like @sp128, your comment brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for the reminder! My mom mentioned this to me when she found out that I was pregnant with the first, but never acknowledged it again after my loss. I think she just doesn't know how to approach the subject of loss so she mostly ignores it. It now bothers me when I hear her comment on how bad my aunt is around children. My aunt had a loss herself and never had kids, and now I ended if he snappiness around misbehaving kids might be more of a reflection on her pain, and I can understand that now.

dpjennifer · April 2017

Last year my first baby would have been due not quite a month after Mother's Day (on my birthday). It was very rough. I basically chose to 'ignore' the holiday. I didn't leave the house, nor get on social media. I planned the whole weekend to do things at home that I wanted/needed to do (garden, weed, clean, watch a movie, etc). It was actually not bad at all because I had made all these 'plans' of what I'd wanted to do, and got so involved in them, I barely even remembered what the weekend holiday was supposed to be.

This year, I've already passed the due dates for 2 of my babies and the 3rd would be born a month and a half after Mother's Day. I have to go to my SIL bridal shower the day before where my husband's friend's daughter (18 yo) is 8.5 months pregnant with her new boyfriend and no job and can barely take care of herself... and unless she gives birth early she'll be there because she's SIL's god-daughter. So I'm not looking forward to that as triggering...

And I was fully intending to ignore Mother's Day again and think of it as just another Sunday... except a few days ago my mother started going on an emotional guilt trip about doing things and meeting for lunch and all this crap. So, this could totally suck.

I get what you mean about us 'being mothers too.' But I personally can't bring myself to 'celebrate' a day that is all about mother/child bond when all four of my babies are dead. That's too much for me. But if that would work for you, then please do it.

So my best advice... either celebrate the day in some way, or make plans to do something for you and ignore it completely and treat it as just another Sunday... IF you can.

icecubeinthedesert · April 2017

@dpjennifer, I'm right there with you. I agree it would be much easier to just stay busy and ignore mother's day completely, but I know that won't be possible with my ILs here. GL at the shower. That might be a situation where I would actually lose my shit.

MooFish2364 · April 2017

I do wish I could ignore Mother's Day but my family is really close and we always all get together. Last year I was only a few months out from my loss and it was really hard. I didn't want to do anything but of course I did anyways. This year is still hard because of course we haven't gotten pregnant again but a bit easier in the sense that my loss isn't as fresh. It's sad to think though that I am still TTC after all of this time.

Mack2342 · April 2017

@dpjennifer. I have a similar situation with my niece. She is due in July. No job and young. makes it hard to go to family functions. Take care of yourself

vlagrl29 · April 2017

gosh that makes me frustrated @dpjennifer - my theory of why we aren't pregnant yet goes out the window when you hear of people not financially stable getting knocked up.

SP128 · April 2017

The unfit are very fertile. Frustrating AF.

msstephanielynn · April 2017

Too many people to tag, but man I can't agree more on unfit fertile parents. Trigger warning (child/loss mentioned): a girl that was in my sons birthing class was pregnant with a boyfriend (pregnant from drinking at a party). They split a few months after the baby was born. New boyfriend. No career. No home. She became pregnant within a week or so of my first miscarriage. I can't help but be envious

vlagrl29 · April 2017

ya'll we've been doing it all wrong - lets just live an unfit lifestyle and have no worries in the world.

icecubeinthedesert · April 2017

Seriously. Right after my first MC, I saw a homeless pregnant woman begging for money in the street. Although I'm pretty sure she was faking it for sympathy using a pillow. The way she skipped to a car offering some money was just way too spry. But oh, the rage I felt.

SCK2411 · April 2017

I would love to just skip the whole day if I could. I live far away from my family so I thankfully won't have to be going to any parties but since they will all be together and it's my niece's 2nd birthday, they want to do a mass Skype call which I think is going to be really hard. Also I just found out that my cousin, who will be participating in this Skype call, is pregnant with her second child.... By accident... As in, she didn't want to have any more kids. I can't help feeling angry and that life just isn't fair.
It also doesn't help that my mother knows about my MC but chooses to just kind of pretend it never happened and I'm sure that on mother's day she'll call me to tell me all of the things that they did that day and about my sister and my niece etc etc etc and just not think even for a second that I don't want to hear it.

@toesinthesand-2 I am totally with you on avoiding social media that day... It's going to suck.

@harleyquinn0621 I wish I could do the same!!

@ladipale my issue is that I do feel like a mother but with no baby to hold and maybe I'm just not an optimistic enough person to look at the bright side of any of this.
That being said, my MC is still pretty new (February 19) and I love the idea of doing something to commemorate the baby that I've lost but can't think of anything that speaks to me. I won't be living where I am now for a long period of time so I don't want to plant anything. Do you (or anyone else) maybe have any other ideas?

Mack2342 · April 2017

I bought a commemorative stone off Etsy. I have it in garden but it small enough to take with you wherever you go.

dpjennifer · May 2017

SCK2411 I completely understand with the mom rambling on without thinking about you not wanting to hear any of it. Any chance you can 'miss' the Skype call. Forget about it and not answer or something?

I bought a small necklace off of Etsy for a friend of mine having her 4th MC. Also, I know a lot of people that used to be members of TTCAL had gotten tattoos for their loss(es).

This upcoming Sunday is International Bereaved Mothers Day... so you could try to come up with something for then to commemorate your loss.

ladipale · May 2017

@SCK2411 - This article really spoke to me and I still hope to purchase a Jizo statue https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/06/well/family/the-japanese-art-of-grieving-a-miscarriage.html?_r=0

My husband and I ended up getting tattoos but it took me a few months to decide what I wanted.

SCK2411 · May 2017

@dpjennifer I wish I could "forget" about it... if I don't answer then every single one of my family members will try to call me one after the other until I answer. If that doesn't work, they'll call DH.

I didn't know about International Bereaved Mothers Day... I guess because until now I haven't been one and have unfortunately joined this club that no one wishes to be in. It would be nice to do something by then.

I've been talking about it with DH for a while now. I'm a religious Jew so tattoos are out of the question. As is the Jizo, but thank you @ladipale for the article - it was nice to hear that that woman and her husband found something that comforted them.

This morning DH suggested buying me a ring with the September birthstone (a sapphire) because the baby would have been born then. I haven't decided if that's what I want for sure but it seems like a nice option because my rings never leave my fingers.

harleyquinn0621 · May 2017

SCK2411 it's not easy- my MIL does want to do some family thing on mother's day but DH has already said he will call them to let them know we won't be able to make it... i felt bad at first but it will only be a month since my loss and i'm at a place where i have to learn to take care of myself

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