Family Visiting After Baby Comes

Knottie81625387 · April 2017

Hi all,

This question might be better suited for experienced parents. I'm a first-timer and have very little understanding of what the first few weeks are going to be like after we bring home baby. My parents, my sister as well as all 4 of my in-laws want to come down to visit us right after baby comes. We only have room for 2 people to stay with us so the rest will be staying at hotels or with friends. Am I crazy to allow them to all come at once? I have a suspicion I’m going to be completely overwhelmed with so much company. My parents would be the ones staying with me and I know it will be helpful to have my mom there but I’m nervous about my dad. I’m anxious having company (even somewhat helpful company) is going to be more stressful than useful. But I can’t tell them not to come. I think most of them expect to be waiting at the hospital for us in the waiting room so… What do I do? What will it be like?

halfthetree · April 2017

Stagger them out, and no one comes into the house without food or offering to clean/cook. No visiting without being helpful! Your recovery is important, you need rest and baby absolutely doesn't NEED to meet anyone, baby needs you. Why don't you tell them all to come (or have your mom come right when babe is born) after baby is about two weeks old, and you're adjusting, not bleeding as much and breastfeeding is established (if you're doing that).
It sucks asserting yourself and your needs, which means disappointing family sometimes, but your recovery is most important. It sounds like you need to trust that gut feeling you're having, and set some limits!

This is our third round, and with twins, but we are still letting everyone know we are shutting the house down. They can come and clean, drop off food, bring me milk tea or nourishing snacks, but we aren't entertaining or letting anyone hold the babies for the first two weeks. I'm following the 5/5/5 rule.... 5 days laying naked in bed, 5 days sitting in bed, 5 days sitting near the bed

ladylolly89 · April 2017

I would never be able to handle that many people! They definitely need to stagger.
I'm also confused as to why you can't tell them not to come...?

What you CAN do is not tell them that baby is on the way until after the fact. That way you can ensure that no one will be sitting in the hospital waiting room.
We are not planning to share any news until the day after this LO is born. We texted family in the evening after DS was born and plan to wait longer this time. They won't like it, but it's not up to or about them.

Listen to your instincts. If you don't want all of these people around, don't have them. Or if you want your mom there but not your dad, do that. YOU need time to adjust and bond with the baby - your parents and ILs do not have that need.

mkrel · April 2017

We are having both sets of parents visit right away, but only my parents will be staying with us. My mom will help with cooking and cleaning and my dad loves to run errands. We want both families to be able to meet her right away if they want to, so I have decided that I'm just not going to feel guilty or worry about anyone else. They are all more than wlelcome to be here, but whatever we and our daughter need to do comes first. If I offend someone in my hormonal post partum state, I'm sure they will get over it.

Kylieslip24 · April 2017

We had tons of vistors with dd. For a month we had a parade of people, some more helpful than others. Most just dropped by with food or a gift or whatever, but for me it was still stressful. This time only dhs family will be visiting at the hospital, no one the first week at home. My mom (lots of stress) is not coming until August. My dad will be coming when baby is around 2 weeks. Also I'm spending July (baby is due last week of June) at home.
But everyone is different. Sil wanted all her family there in the waiting room and spending the night at her house for like the first week. It made her feel better to have people there.
Do what your gut is telling you, baby will just get cuter and less squishy looking in a few weeks.

bmolson1 · April 2017

I agree that sounds like a lot of people all at once. When I was first home with my first baby, I didn't really want any visitors. I had painful stitches, was learning to breastfeed, and was achy and really tired. I was fine with someone bringing dinner over, but even then, it bothered me to have them want to hold the baby all the time. I felt like it was MY time to bond with baby, not theirs. No one really offered to cook or clean or run errands for us though, they really just wanted to hold my daughter. As a new nursing mom, I knew I needed to be nursing her on demand. But my MIL would take her into another room and close the door, trying to calm her down, meanwhile my boobs were leaking and baby was getting hungrier by the second. It stressed me out terribly. I think it is better to be assertive now, while the hormones are (slightly) less crazy, because you just don't know how you're going to feel after delivery.

danij0 · April 2017

I'm a FTM but I think a lot of it depends on your personality. I'm really independent so I don't really want peoples' help. I want to figure it out on my own. If they are staying in town for an extended period of time I would not be ok with that. Luckily, my family all lives within 2 hours so they can make day trips out of it and that will be fine. You just need to be assertive while they are there and know that you and baby come first.

Also I noticed you're new here. You should introduce yourself on our intro thread and check out some of the other regular threads while you're here.

ellie111227 · April 2017

ladylolly89 said:

I would never be able to handle that many people! They definitely need to stagger.
I'm also confused as to why you can't tell them not to come...?

What you CAN do is not tell them that baby is on the way until after the fact. That way you can ensure that no one will be sitting in the hospital waiting room.
We are not planning to share any news until the day after this LO is born. We texted family in the evening after DS was born and plan to wait longer this time. They won't like it, but it's not up to or about them.

Listen to your instincts. If you don't want all of these people around, don't have them. Or if you want your mom there but not your dad, do that. YOU need time to adjust and bond with the baby - your parents and ILs do not have that need.

^^^ This. No one but you, the baby, and (to a much lesser extent) your husband have needs or desires that are relevant in this situation. Do what you need to do to maximize your comfort and bonding, and tell everyone else how it is going to be without any guilt.

alm52386 · April 2017

You CAN tell them not to come! That's what we have already done! Not everyone was happy about it but they all will respect our wishes. We do not want anyone waiting at the hospital or visiting at the hospital until after she is born. We will only text our parents and my siblings when we are admitted to the hospital and tell them not to tell anyone else until we say it is okay. Probably sometime the next day. We originally were going to take a whole week at home just the 3 of us but now we are second guessing ourselves. Maybe we are being stubborn and a bit cocky! I have a ton of experience with babies but I'm thinking it will be completely different when I'm not sleeping and trying to breastfeed. I think now we will take the days in the hospital plus 1 or 2 days at home to get settled then my mom will be the one helping the most. I know MIL will want to help with all the things but I don't feel comfortable having her help with certain things. Or any of the things really lol DH is going to have to have a conversation with her before the baby comes about what is okay and what is not. Like she is gonna have to leave when I'm trying to feed Chloe. I'm sure she feels fine seeing my boobs but NO THANKS.

delujm0 · April 2017

We will call my in laws as soon as I'm in labor. They have an 8 hour drive and will leave immediately. We'll need them to care for DD while I'm at the hospital. They did this when I had DD as well, because we needed someone to be at home to take care of our pets. When DD was born they stayed until we came home from the hospital, and then left the next day when my mom arrived. After my mom and sister left, they came back for a few days. I didn't mind - my in laws are SO SO HELPFUL I would seriously let them live with me permanently. When we were at the hospital, FIL did a bunch of yard work and MIL cleaned the house and did our laundry. It was magical. My mom will cook for us and stuff, but she's pretty messy which gets on our nerves after a while.

I'd suggest staggering visitors if you can. This time we expect my in laws to stay a few days, and then my mom and sister to come for a week. DH's whole family (parents, sister and BIL and their kids) are coming down in late July, so I'm not sure if his parents will come back again before then or not. we have room in the house to accommodate a lot of people, but at some point there are too many cooks in the kitchen, and it's nice to have help for more than just the first few days.

You can totally tell people not to come or when to come. And if you don't think they'll respect your wishes, don't tell them that you're in labor. Just call them when the baby is born. I won't tell my family I'm in labor this time, because with DD my mother called me like a half dozen times in the 5 hours she was aware of it, and it drove me insane. I don't have time for that when I'm trying to push out a baby. So she has lost her advance notice privileges.

c1tym0m22 · April 2017

I would also say that you should reserve the right to change your mind - if you have a c-section, you may decide you want some additional help. Or you may find that while you thought you'd be modest about BF, you just don't care.

alm52386 · April 2017

@c1tym0m22 for sure! We've told our parents that if I have a hard recovery or a c-section or we just decide we need help that we will call them right away!

mamaelle27 · April 2017

I enjoy having visitors even in the first days, but I definitely agree with staggering out of town visitors because they may be expecting to spend a lot of time at your house and that may be overwhelming. Also, don't feel bad saying no to everyone except your mom. Sometimes you just need your mom, and everyone should understand that!

mombod · April 2017

I dont understand the whole I cant tell them not to come thing. Youre an adult, its your house, you just had a baby. If you dont want people there, tell them no.
I for one want anyone that is willing to come help with the understanding that early breastfeeding means youll be seeing a lot of my boobs. If that makes you uncomfortable leave the room or dont come. Last time my mom stayed for a few days and will again. I take care of my baby and she takes care of hers (me).

shmarpler · April 2017

Last time, my mom (dad couldn't get time off work) came on my due date, and my in laws came when I was in labor. Mom is more helpful so she stayed with us, and my in laws got a hotel. They golfed every afternoon and we really only saw them in the evenings, but even then, 3 extra adults was a bit much at times and I was thankful to be able to go into my room and feed the baby alone and snuggle without anyone wanting to hold her. My in laws were here maybe 5 days, but i was relieved when they left. My mom stayed for 3 weeks and was a life saver. She cooked and cleaned for us, and since she had 5 babies of her own she had a lot of experience to offer, and didn't get upset when I didn't take her advice. DD had tummy troubles in the beginning, and my mom helped keep me calm when baby was upset. When my husband went back to work, my mom went grocery shopping with me, and just generally made the adjustment to life with a newborn so, so much easier. We're doing the same thing this time.

awoodruff27 · April 2017

Just found out my SIL and her FOUR children are coming right after my due date. They won't be staying with us. But they obviously will be around a lot. I cant go past my due date because of GD so I *should* have a day at home before they get here. I'm not exactly happy. Like I'm not going to want to go sight seeing but they won't want to sit around our house all day. DH said he would take them. Which leaves me alone. My SIL and DH planned this without me, I tried to push for them to come over 4th of July. Obviously I lost. I should mention that this is the first time in 6 years any of his family has come to visit us. So just saying no, isn't really an option without hurting his family dynamic which is complicated to say the least.

c1tym0m22 · April 2017

@awoodruff27 That does sound complicated. Did you talk to DH about how you feel? Any chance you could line up company for yourself (if you want it) for while they're out?

(Clearly, being bored while hooked up to IV fluids has sent me into problem solving mode.)

mamaelle27 · April 2017

@awoodruff27 why is you having a baby the perfect time for your SIL to show up for what sounds like a family vacation? This would be a hard no with me. I mean I guess it could be useful if your husband takes your older girls and their cousins out, but it's also a really important transition time for your family and having all those extra people around will probably make it complicated. Also, germs. You definitely have the right to say no and to ask your husband not to make any more surprise plans without you.

Xath · April 2017

mamaelle27 said:

@awoodruff27 why is you having a baby the perfect time for your SIL to show up for what sounds like a family vacation? This would be a hard no with me. I mean I guess it could be useful if your husband takes your older girls and their cousins out, but it's also a really important transition time for your family and having all those extra people around will probably make it complicated. Also, germs. You definitely have the right to say no and to ask your husband not to make any more surprise plans without you.

Yeah, this strikes me as your SIL asking your H to prioritize her family and their needs over yours. Not cool in general, but especially not the day after you have a kid.

awoodruff27 · April 2017

@c1tym0m22 @mamaelle27 @Xath

I probably should have mentioned they will only be here 3/4 days and DH gets 20 days off of work. Also her kids are 16, 14, 7 and 4 so not like little, little kids. She presented it as they come down and help keep the older girls entertained while I recover and get breastfeeding established because she knows that's important to me. They are staying at a hotel with a pool so she said she would bring the girls swimming and what not. She isn't a super selfish person, just doesn't always think things through. Dh said he would tell her no if I said I didn't want them to come and I didn't realize my nieces have dance competitions over 4th of july. So that's why coming later wouldn't work. But, it's all just complicated with his family. Lots of passed issues would make it hard for me to say no when his family is making an effort to visit us even if it's not perfect timing.

Don't worry y'all my DH is normally super caring and considerate I don't think he fully remembers how newborns are though ha. I just needed to vent because even though I think the visit is coming from a good place it's not perfect timing.

tmrussell · April 2017

My only other thought is if everyone comes at once and you do need help it might be a struggle once they are all gone. I sorta went through that with my first. My DH was only able to get off 4 days and 3 of those were the hospital stay. My mom also took her vacation the first week so week 2 I was pretty much on my own. This time DH gets 2 weeks off so that's super helpful.

Knottie42089123 · April 2017

Just coming on to say there's only room for one Knottie in this month. Change your name! LOL!!!

Wino0920 · April 2017

I will have tons of visitors, like always. I have a real "whatever" personality though. I just go with the flow and let everyone dote on the babes.

jesselayne8 · April 2017

My rule is that if you aren't helpful then you do NOT get to stay at my house. Aka MIL and FIL are required to stay in a hotel. My mom and dad can stay at my house because my mom will cook and clean nonstop. My sister bless her tries to help but she isn't really any help when she brings her kids too so I usually make her wait a month to come that way I am more up to doing activities with all the kids. I found that with my first baby, I didn't need any help. I could sit on the couch all day nursing and cuddling and who cares about the house. But with subsequent babies I needed all the help I could get with my older kids. My family is 12hrs away so I am hiring the neighbor's daughter to entertain/play outside with my 3 older kids for 1-2 hrs a day.

kns1988 · April 2017

Lurking from May, and I love how many people are setting boundaries and putting bonding with their babies first. That's 100% my plan. DH and I both have very loving families, but they'd be here every day if I let them, and I would much rather prefer to have them meet the baby and then back off for a few weeks (like, one visit a week would be okay).

NarrowHouses · April 2017

Like PP have said do what you need to/want to and you can change your mind too!

DD1 is the first grandchild on both sides so there was a lot of excitement. Our parents live out of state which means when they visit it's for days not hours.

We had no family visitors in the hospital. We FaceTimed once she was born and plan on doing the same. At 5 days old MIL and StepFIL came. I mentioned to DH as we left the hospital wishing we could delay their visit, and in hindsight really wished we would have. My mom and sisters came 5 days later and FIL a week or so later.

Starting up BFing was hard and my ILs wanted to hold DD whenever I wasn't nursing. It was hard and I was emotional. I want to make sure that our girls have great connections with family from the beginning but I realized how important bonding is for our new family of four.

CapricaAndrea · April 2017

Well Mom asked me today where I was giving birth so she would "know where to go when the time comes ". Seemed the perfect time to tell her that we don't want anyone else in the room during delivery or the first hour after baby is born. She never actually said if she was expecting to be in the delivery room, but I strongly suspect that she assumed she would be. She hasn't actually responded at all to my last message (we mostly talk via Facebook messenger in a group chat with my sisters) so I'm thinking she's offended, but she's also the most passive aggressive person I know, so it's always hard to tell.

mezalune · April 2017

With DS1 we had a scheduled c/s at 4p so everyone knew when to expect news. Both DH and I agreed we would like to have time to ourselves initially and told parents we would let them know when they could come by and meet the baby... we were thinking later that evening! (Nothing insane.) Anyway, unbeknownst to us, both sides had decided they were going to camp out in the waiting room and come in as soon as they could. You can imagine how happy I was with this. (Not at all!) This time we are hoping for a VBAC but even if it does end up being a RCS, I'm adamant they need to stay away, especially since I don't want DS1 coming by until day 2 if we can. We shall see if anyone listens this time.. *eye roll*

ladylolly89 · April 2017

@mezalune aaaaand this is why we do not share any labor/hospital news ahead of time. I had a scheduled induction last time but we didn't tell anyone.

MotherofDragons · April 2017

@mezalune Curious as to why you are waiting two days to introduce your baby and DS1?

mezalune · April 2017

MotherofDragons said:

@mezalune Curious as to why you are waiting two days to introduce your baby and DS1?

Honestly, I think it'll just depend on the time of day I deliver and how I'm feeling. Last time we had a late afternoon c/s and I just feel like I'd prefer a little more time with my two littles than how it would be if I went that late in the day again. Plus I'd love to be able to snuggle them both as they meet the first time, and I know if I have any c/s that I won't be able to do so immediately! Here's hoping the VBAC is successful!

mezalune · April 2017

ladylolly89 said:

@mezalune aaaaand this is why we do not share any labor/hospital news ahead of time. I had a scheduled induction last time but we didn't tell anyone.

Believe me, I don't blame you one bit! But I do plan to rely on family for watching my 3yo sooooo I doubt I'll be able to hide d-day

ladylolly89 · April 2017

mezalune said:

ladylolly89 said:

@mezalune aaaaand this is why we do not share any labor/hospital news ahead of time. I had a scheduled induction last time but we didn't tell anyone.

Believe me, I don't blame you one bit! But I do plan to rely on family for watching my 3yo sooooo I doubt I'll be able to hide d-day

We do actually have to have someone watch DS this time as well, so we are telling my mom. But no one who doesn't HAVE to know (ILs, siblings, etc) will know.

She is a great secret keeper plus she doesn't work other than watching my nephew, so she was the obvious choice. But it was soooo nice last time when no one knew what was going on; I wish I could repeat that!

kdanjou · April 2017

Yeah, we have to tell my inlaws and parents when I go into labor (assuming I do VBAC) because one or both sets of grandparents will be staying with DD while I'm in the hospital. It sucks but I fully intend on having my DH kick them all out of the house when he comes to pick up DD and bring her to the hospital to pick up the baby and me. I don't want anyone there when I get home with the new baby. I want time to bond as a family of 4, and as far as I'm concerned no one else needs to meet the baby for a couple weeks. Zero sh*ts are given if they are insulted.

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