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fiddleRN79 · April 2017

We found out on Tuesday that our baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. I went in for my first appointment and should have been 9 weeks along. I feel guilty posting here or really being heartbroken because we are so blessed to have our kids. So many of my friends are struggling to conceive. So many stories on here bring tears to my eyes, and I feel selfish for wanting this baby to live so badly.

I just don't know how to process this. I feel like I did something to make this happen or ate something I shouldn't have. Logically I know that isn't likely, but my brain keeps running through the past few weeks. I also feel betrayed by my body because I still feel pregnant. I told the doctor I wanted to just give it a week, but I called today for a D&C. I can't function and my family needs me.

My husband has been amazing. He bought a beautiful oak tree and planted it in the front yard as a memorial.

I have the D&C Friday. I'm not handling this well and am seriously considering counseling if I can't pull myself out of this.

icecubeinthedesert · April 2017

I'm sorry you're here. Please don't beat yourself up about it. There is nothing you did to cause this. Remind yourself that you know your body is capable of having a baby (you have 3 successful examples!). Most MCs are caused by genetic issues incompatible with life. This is completely random chance, and in your case, is the most likely scenario, and the good news is it is unlikely to happen again (based on statistics)

Mack2342 · April 2017

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree with pp. this is very difficult to go through and you are entitled to your feelings whatever they are. I just had a 2nd d & c this past Friday after 2nd loss. They wanted to schedule a week after we found out and that was too long for me. Finally got it bumped up. I needed that so I could start healing. For me I couldn't start the healing while my baby was still inside me. I am also considering counseling if I can't move forward but I'm trying to give myself some time to grieve and process before I go there but there is no shame in talking things through. This board and TTCAL has been great for me. I hope all goes well with your procedure and you have a quick recovery. Hugs to you

amberruka · April 2017

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't feel guilty for already having children, you still had a loss and it still hurts just as much. Take as much time as you need, and feel free to join us at TTCAL if you like (TTC or not, we have a benched thread).

splashmountain · April 2017

@fiddleRN79 you have every right to feel sad. MH and I are lucky enough to have one child, but the loss still hurt tremendously! And as far as guilt goes, I get it. I felt like I messed up when it first happened, but eventually, you do realize you did nothing wrong. I wish you luck with your procedure tomorrow and I'm so very sorry for your loss.

fiddleRN79 · April 2017

Thank you all so much for being supportive. I really appreciate the kind comments

fiddleRN79 · April 2017

@Mack2342 I'm so sorry. I understand about not waiting, so you can begin to heal.

@amberruka thank you so much for the invitation

@icecubeinthedesert thank you for the reassurance. I also feel like being AMA might have been the cause too. I just don't know.

@pumpkin0913 I hope I get there and can be a peace with myself

Hilengm · April 2017

I am also having my procedure tomorrow. I waited a week since I found out, but it was a horrible week. And after seeing my body not do anything, I called yesterday to schedule it. So good luck and speedy recovery for both of us. I am scared even if they say it is safe. But I realize that I am scared to let go.

Mack2342 · April 2017

@Hilengm. I'm so sorry for your loss. Good luck tomorrow. I'm sure all will go well (physically I mean) it's an emotional journey. I've had two and with both, I went for a walk in the afternoon. I didn't go far but just needed the fresh air. Basically I just took it easy for a couple days.

splashmountain · April 2017

@Hilengm I'm sorry for your loss as well. Good luck with your procedure tomorrow.

SP128 · April 2017

So sorry for your losses ladies. It is a tough road but you will slowly heal. There is also very little you can do to cause a miscarriage so please do not feel guilty. I second @amberukka ttcal is a wonderful community

fiddleRN79 · April 2017

@Hilengm I'm so sorry. I was afraid my body wasn't going to do it on it's own since it had already been 3 weeks. I am a surgical nurse so I've been on the other side of this procedure, but not the patient. Completely different experience obviously. I am home now and resting. I hope you are doing alright and that your procedure went smoothly. I also pray for healing, spiritually and physically.

Hilengm · April 2017

fiddleRN79 said:

@Hilengm I'm so sorry. I was afraid my body wasn't going to do it on it's own since it had already been 3 weeks. I am a surgical nurse so I've been on the other side of this procedure, but not the patient. Completely different experience obviously. I am home now and resting. I hope you are doing alright and that your procedure went smoothly. I also pray for healing, spiritually and physically.

Thank you! How are u? The physical part was easy, and I am home recovering. But emotionally I am still numb by the whole thing...as my therapist told me now you will start your recovery phase, because until now I was only in a response mode... hope we recover as you said spiritually and physically soon. Hugs

fiddleRN79 · April 2017

@Hilengm I am glad you are home now and recovering. I think I am numb as well. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm alright and I say yes because I don't know what else to say. Physically I feel fine (could be the medication though), but I'm just going through the motions of the day. I have a list of things I need to do over the weekend between Easter and school work. I'm hoping to keep busy and avoid thinking about it for awhile. Which is likely a bad coping mechanism, but I have to get these things finished and I can't be like I was earlier this week. I just can't. At some point I will call my friend, who is a Nurse Practitioner that specializes in mental health, and go see her to talk about this. Right now I just need it to be "mine." I don't know how else to explain it.

edited: I'm sending you hugs as well. Thank you for the support, and I really hate that you are going through the same thing

Hilengm · April 2017

fiddleRN79 I know what you mean when you say you have to avoid thinking about it...I did it today and right now I feel horrible! I had a house full of people coming and going, family visiting from out of town, lots of kids running around, and it was great, until it was not. Now I am alone. Well my DS is sleeping and I am looking at the empty house that feels even more empty than ever. I am again feeling that emptiness that I felt when they told me there was no growth, no change. Now I feel like crying, but nothing comes out. And i become numb again... Thank you for sharing your feelings, it allows me to share mine too, knowing you know what I am talking about. Thank you for being there, where ever you are, because you helped me tonight with your message. Thank you.

purplegoldfish2 · April 2017

I'm so sorry for your losses ladies. I had my first MMC in the beginning of December. I cried and then thought I was fine... until my second period after the loss. That's when I really worked through everything (or at least the bulk of it). I tried keeping it together in public and was a mess at home, but I had several people comment about how I was clearly struggling lately. Only one bothered to ask if I was ok and I just kind of dumped everything out to her. She didn't say much & didn't need to, just letting me talk helped so much.

Don't feel bad if it takes a couple months to process it. And if you can find a friend or family member that can just listen to you & hug you and check to see you're ok a few times, it really does help.

fiddleRN79 · April 2017

I had a horrible reaction to the antibiotic. They thought it was the methergen causing severe leg cramps/pain, but I stopped that pill and then 12 hours later took the doxycycline. Then the pain started again. I couldn't walk the day after the procedure due to what felt like vascular spasms. I'm physically fine now though. I did call and made an appointment with psychiatrist. I was already feeling overwhelmed with grad school, work, and family. This just tipped me over the edge. I am so sad. So sad. My husband asked me how long I would be this way. I just don't know.

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