Hesitant to tell coworkers/boss (children mentioned)

mc4dj13 · April 2017

Do you ever have one of those days where you just can't push the blues away?

I am having one of those and I think it is due to the fact that I am going to be asking for some time off soon (for my FET transfer)

I work full time for a wonderful company and with a team of lovely supportive ladies. We are a small operation and everyone is involved in each other's lives. I really appreciate these women and am so lucky to be a part of a great team. I am fortunate since I know that many women with IF struggles do not get much support in the workplace.

Anyways, my main concern about telling these women is that they are all mothers. They all have "2 under 2" and from their stories I can tell conceiving came naturally and unexpectedly quick. They are also a few years older than I am. I feel I cannot relate to them. For extra fun, the company I work for us an upscale nursery essentials company. Babies are literally our business.

I am hesitant to tell my story. I have shared a very watered-down version of my IF journey with them when I have needed to take an afternoon off for a procedure/ultrasound/etc...

on the other hand...I feel stupid because I know if I just opened up to them completely they would be so welcoming and understanding, but a small part of me wants to keep my life private from them. I am a very professional person.

I am sure they would wonder why someone younger than them needs donor eggs and IVF. Maybe it is my mother in law in the back of my mind spoiling all this, but still I am reluctant to speak to them about it.

I am guessing my doctor will ask me to take several days off after the FET, especially if it is not near a weekend. What would you do?

JuliaGoolia719 · April 2017

Work is sometimes a minefield when it comes to this type of thing. I took a few days off after my ER (and thank God I did, I was miserable for a few days after and couldn't wear real pants for a week). I didn't tell my boss the reason I needed the time off, just that I had a minor medical procedure.

My job is very physical and stressful, I'm a property catastrophe adjuster, I travel full time, climb on roofs to look for damages and work about 12 hours a day for 3 weeks at a time. Clearly that is not conducive to a FET. I'm home this month watching phones for people who are on PTO or days off after a work trip (we get 5 days off after every 3 weeks out on the road). I specifically asked to do that this month so I could be home for the FET. My doctor hasn't mentioned wanting me to take off work after the transfer (they know I'm home and not doing the ladder climbing stuff this month). I've heard that being moderately active after the FET can be positive. My plan is to work up to the transfer that day and then take the rest of the day off and go do something fun with DH.

I've told some co workers I'm close to about the IVF/FET, but my job situation sounds very different than yours, since my coworkers are all over the country and we don't interact face to face all the time. You just have to do whats comfortable for you, there isn't a right or wrong answer to this situation. If we get a positive pregnancy test I'll probably tell my boss right away, with the ladder climbing and the long hours outside in the sun/heat etc I don't think it would be healthy, (also I don't think the insurance company wants the liability of putting a pregnant lady on a ladder).

AlohaKumu · April 2017

@mc4dj13 - I wasn't sure if I would tell my boss about my IF issues, especially since she is very religious and I'm not completely sure how she feels about IVF, but I'm so glad that I finally opened up and told her. It was much easier for me to have that conversation one-to-one rather than with others. It wasn't easy to approach her about it, but I felt that she would ultimately treat the news with compassion and grace, which she did.

That being said, I've only shared my struggles with one other person at work, although I do have a great bunch of coworkers. (I knew she would keep everything in confidence.) I do tend to be a more private person, but just telling the "need to know" people has helped me a lot on an emotional level, since I feel like I'm not completely hiding.

Maybe you could tell the boss/bosses who will deal with your time off for now and explain that you aren't ready to tell the others yet. If any of your coworkers ask after the fact, you can say that you were under the weather and didn't want to get them sick. (Usually people don't argue with that!)

I know that this is really hard and I wish you tons of support, no matter what you decide is the best decision for you!

csp2017 · April 2017

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know all about the blues and not being able to push them away. It's normal and you are not alone! I've had days where I've had to just leave work go for a long walk and cry in the streets of NYC because I am so overwhelmed by all of this.

I also work for a very small company (there are only 11 people at my firm), although here most are male, and none of them have ever dealt personally with infertility. I made the decision to tell them what I am going through, because my absences are noticeable and I didn't want to add in the stress of having to come up with a different story on top of everything else. Once I told them, they all told me stories of friends and loved ones they knew who had experienced similar things, and were incredibly supportive. It's actually been a huge relief to have them know, and not ask a single question when I say "I am going to need three days off at some point soon, I don't know when, but I need it". I'm also really private, so this was a hard conversation for me, but I am ultimately glad that I did it.

It sounds like you would be supported and comforted if you opened up to your co-workers based on what you say. My guess is that you'd be pleasantly surprised if you open up at work, but it's such a hard decision. Communication around this is another part of the stress.

Good luck with whatever route you take!

JamieH2000 · April 2017

I think everyone else has given great advice, so I will just add a few things. After a transfer, alot of doctors recommend resuming normal activities (but no jumping, running, hard working out,etc) since the latest research has shown that you want good bloodflow to the uterus from movement. So if you are in an office environment, you won't need to more than 1 day off (and I have even seen some ladies go back the same day and have success). If you are in a stressful job, or even if you aren't, I think you are definitely entitled to some time off if you want it! I have heard that some REs recommend a few days of bed rest, but I am not sure that really the norm any more. I personally think that if an embryo is going to stick- it will. I have tried both bed rest and movement after my transfers.

Another thought is you could be open about IF, but only as open as you want to be.. I feel like IVF can be pretty common nowadays, so I'm sure most people understand that, but you could always leave it at medical procedures or IF treatment. I do feel like most people I have spoken to about donor eggs (which is our next step after 1 more IVF) don't really understand that since they don't remember basic baby biology about sperm/eggs

So maybe be honest in general so you don't have to lie... but don't be 100% honest with details if you want to keep some privacy?

There is no right answer, but best of luck with your upcoming transfer!!

mc4dj13 · April 2017

Thank you ladies- you have given me some great feedback.

No one wants to feel vulnerable, and I am afraid that they will no longer see me as a person who has it all together.

I keep telling myself that awareness is key, nothing should be kept in the dark forever which is how we learn to overcome adversity.

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