Negative Nancy - feeling frustrated (rant)

emilyrose807 · April 2017

I have been reading about Hypnobirth. One of the main tenants is to avoid birth horror stories and to focus on the positive. To focus on what you want to have happen. So many people ask me about my birth plan, but then when I try to be positive there is literally not a single person who will let my statements go without warning me that sometimes things happen that make it not go the way you want. Like I really need to be told that by every passing human being. I fing know it. That is what is so stressful about birth, you have very little control. The whole point of the prep for birth is to be calm and relax so you are a basket case of stress. But it's hard to get in the place when everyone is telling you how I should "just be satisfied with healthy mother, healthy baby" or that I have no idea what is going to happen with the implication is that it will be terrible - insert their birth story or one they have heard here - and so I shouldn't relax because it will be the worst thing ever. Really reassuring thanks. Making my vagina close down like a noose around my neck when I am supposed to be opening like a flower.

Sorry so angry. My husband is sick of talking about the baby because that is all everyone asks us about anymore, so he doesn't want to hear my rant and when I was trying to talk to my mom and sister about it, they did exactly what I just described above. So frustrated. Do I need to go into a hole for the next 16 weeks or what?

EDIT: Thank you all for your responses. I really needed to talk about this and having all of your thoughtful input really makes me feel so supported. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Nxy · April 2017

I don't think women telling you about their birth experience is them trying to bring you down.. I think I had planned on a natural birth and got induced and.. and.. and.. AND that has nothing to do with you. It's just my experience. That's all I can speak to is what happened to me despite what my hopes were. After having been there done that YES absolutely the only outcome that matters is healthy mom and baby. I get it can be frustrating hearing negatives when you want to hear the positive but this is real life.

aslo, QFP

emilyrose807 said:

I have been reading about Hypnobirth. One of the main tenants is to avoid birth horror stories and to focus on the positive. To focus on what you want to have happen. So many people ask me about my birth plan, but then when I try to be positive there is literally not a single person who will let my statements go without warning me that sometimes things happen that make it not go the way you want. Like I really need to be told that by every passing human being. I fing know it. That is what is so stressful about birth, you have very little control. The whole point of the prep for birth is to be calm and relax so you are a basket case of stress. But it's hard to get in the place when everyone is telling you how I should "just be satisfied with healthy mother, healthy baby" or that I have no idea what is going to happen with the implication is that it will be terrible - insert their birth story or one they have heard here - and so I shouldn't relax because it will be the worst thing ever. Really reassuring thanks. Making my vagina close down like a noose around my neck when I am supposed to be opening like a flower.

Sorry so angry. My husband is sick of talking about the baby because that is all everyone asks us about anymore, so he doesn't want to hear my rant and when I was trying to talk to my mom and sister about it, they did exactly what I just described above. So frustrated. Do I need to go into a hole for the next 16 weeks or what?

kvh22 · April 2017

@emilyrose807 I hear what you're saying, but I don't think (most) of those people are ill-intentioned. Learning techniques to apply to childbirth, whether it's relaxation and breathing or something else, is all we can really do to prepare (in addition to working out, perhaps?). I think this is relevant to the birth plan thread and maybe some FTMs are feeling the same thing, although I'm sure you looked there. I'm not there yet with a plan so haven't really checked that thread. I'm a FTM but I'm looking forward to my childbirth classes with DH to be armed as much as possible with the information I need beforehand, but part of that is just knowing that it rarely goes according to plan. I think you can still embrace the hypnobirthing techniques and be aware that as things come up during labor, your plan might go out the window (or it might not). It doesn't mean you shouldn't have your plan and embrace it beforehand, as long as you're prepared to be flexible when the time comes.

BlackNYellow · April 2017

Who is asking you about your birth plan at this point?! I would honestly tell them to mind their own business and that it is a very private matter for you and your support person/DH/partner, etc. You are going to get all kinds of unsolicited advice during pregnancy and afterwards. You can either grin and bear or it let it get under your skin.

bubblesmtu · April 2017

It can be really hard and scary to hear birth stories when you're a first time mom, but really everyone is probably just trying to let you know to expect anything because rarely does a birth go perfectly as planned.
I never planned to have a c section and therefore never read up on them because I didn't think I'd need to - it wasn't part of my "plan". But when I ended up having one it would have been a lot less scary knowing what to expect.
I went through the hynobirthing cd's/books, and all I got was some amazing naps while pregnant. But I hear it does work for some people.

imwithbaby · April 2017

@emilyrose807 I'd go find our Homebirth/Birth Center (maybe a page back or so) thread and post on there---I think there are a few ladies who might've done hypnobirthing and can add specialized insight.

As someone planning a homebirth, I totally get where you're coming from, but as PP have said, there's almost no way around hearing others' stories that didn't go well. I know they're not trying to discourage you, and I know it can be discouraging, but it is important to plan for different outcomes. I havent looked into hypnobirthing but, tbh, only positive thoughts seems really impractical! There's a lot that can go awry and being prepared for those things can actually take away the fear.

AB518 · April 2017

@emilyrose807 I realized that when I don't want to hear other people's opinions for any reason, I just keep my answers relatively vague when they ask a question and then quickly change/redirect the topic. Do what works for you, but I really can't relate to your strategy for staying calm and preparing for birth. I always think of the worst case scenario for almost everything in life because it helps me stay calm and it decreases my stress level when I know what my back up plans are. I have had people tell me a mix of positive and negative comments about birth. I really think that most people are just trying to reinforce that being flexible is important.

middy411 · April 2017

I think a lot of people really just like to talk about themselves. I can relate to sharing my birth story in a group of women sharing theirs or asking questions about birth. It's not because I want to scare anyone or give unrealistically good expectations... it's because I like to relive the experience through telling it. The good and the bad are all how my beautiful DD came into this world and it's always fun to share. I don't expect to run into anybody who had my exact same experience and if I did, I would be shocked. But I do like to think that telling my story helps people who are looking for more information about birthing see just one more experience of how things could go... or couldn't go for them. Hopefully you can find a way to keep your head up in spite of the things people will say regarding your choices for birth.

HappyToBeHere · April 2017

I think the women in your life are just trying to make sure that you're not setting your expectations so strictly that should anything (or anyone) veer off of your plan, your life will come crumbling down around you. They're just reminding you that there absolutely is a harsh reality of birth, and sometimes even the most well-meaning birth plans fly out the window for the sake of safety, health, and survival of both mom and baby. As someone who has given birth as well as been present for two other births, I too would voice my opinion should one of my close friends or family members tell me that they expect to be so relaxed that their vagina opens up like a flower.

It's hard to think about and grasp right now but I can almost promise that, post-birth, you will just be thankful for the LO that is now in your life (whether he or she came about during a perfect hypnobirth, or alternative means).

and_peggy · April 2017

In this world, there are optimists, pessimists and realists. Of course, when it comes to birthing your baby, you'd like to be optimistic but it's more helpful to be realistic. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a written birth plan and *hoping* things go as planned. There is something wrong with *expecting* things to go as planned. If you've ever been part of a wedding, you see that something pretty much always goes wrong. But at the end of the day, the couple still gets married (usually) and the guests have no clue there were ever any issues.

Birth is kind of like that. You have so many different ideas and opinions. It's exciting, terrifying, and so emotional. You may be dead set on things going a certain way, and it may be sad when that doesn't happen, but at the end of the day, when you hold your healthy baby in your arms, you forget about how things didn't go as planned.

And to stretch beyond that, it's really important you learn that now because kids are great at making your plans change. With DD, I had a lot of things not go the way I wanted or expected. Sometimes I cried about it, sometimes I didn't deal with it the right way. But I had to get over or I would have been mad for the rest of my life and missed out on some amazing memories. From the outside looking in, my house, my appearance and my life are a mess....but I wouldn't have it any other way because I know, FOR ME, that means I'm staying true to my priorities and enjoying my family while I am able.

Just don't get too caught up in the things you can't control. Use this time to enjoy life before the baby. You'll never get it back and you might regret it later if you look back and all you remember is being sad or scared.

Kudlica27 · April 2017

As a mom who studied hypnobirth and the Bradley method, I think this something you are going to have to overcome. especially if you want to go that route. You said "That is what is so stressful about birth, you have very little control. The whole point of the prep for birth is to be calm and relax so you are a basket case of stress. " You need to learn to be calm and relaxed no matter what. You can't control birth, just like you can't control what others say. This is good practice for staying calm, focused, and relaxed. If you can't stay relaxed hearing other stories, how do you plan to stay relaxed in the birthing room if something goes wrong? Because part of it is staying relaxed even when the doctor comes in and says the baby is in distress? Or that you are developing a high fever? (both real for this all natural, relaxed mama.)

PinkPrincessPiper · April 2017

I'm team Realistic. Your vagina will not open like a flower. That's not how it works. That's not how any of this works!

Perhaps your head is in the clouds on what birth is really like, and your family & friends are trying to get you on solid ground with sharing their experiences.

cmmiller531 · April 2017

@PinkPrincessPiper all I can think of is that commercial with the old lady taping her photos to her wall as her "facebook" and her friend says "that's now this this works. That's now how any of this works" haha hopefully you know the commercial otherwise I'll just feel dumb lol

PinkPrincessPiper · April 2017

The only thing I keep thinking of is Alba on Jane the Virgin telling Jane to crumple up her flower & then try to put it back together!

kodariah · April 2017

I agree with PP, it's hard to heard but I don't think it's anyone trying to be negitive or get you down, but it's them wanting whats best for and baby. Sometimes what's best for you and baby isn't what you want and that sucks, just prepare yourself for anything and try to remember that part of staying positive is staying positive in all situations.

britvahok · April 2017

Is this the type of flower you're thinking of? Realistically it's more likely that your vagina will tear than just opening like a flower. But if you tear your doctor will stitch you back up and give you some pain meds. It's not the worst thing that will ever happen to you because you'll have a cute and cuddly little baby that you've been waiting 9 months to meet.

Image result for scary flower gif

littlebug2010 · April 2017

@PinkPrincessPiper and @cmmiller531

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/hWwpy16ovRvC8/giphy.gif

cmmiller531 · April 2017

@littlebug2010 I'm dying!!! YESS!

emilyrose807 · April 2017

BlackNYellow said:

Who is asking you about your birth plan at this point?! I would honestly tell them to mind their own business and that it is a very private matter for you and your support person/DH/partner, etc. You are going to get all kinds of unsolicited advice during pregnancy and afterwards. You can either grin and bear or it let it get under your skin.

I agree. I honestly get SO many questions that seem to me to be too personal. I think people are just really excited for us. We tried to get pregnant for 4.5 years, and it was such a hard journey. I think people are just into it and trying to be supportive, but it is SO intense. I would just love for one person to say, "great, that sounds great. I hope that happens for you." I think I'm living in a dream world.

emilyrose807 · April 2017

bubblesmtu said:

It can be really hard and scary to hear birth stories when you're a first time mom, but really everyone is probably just trying to let you know to expect anything because rarely does a birth go perfectly as planned.
I never planned to have a c section and therefore never read up on them because I didn't think I'd need to - it wasn't part of my "plan". But when I ended up having one it would have been a lot less scary knowing what to expect.
I went through the hynobirthing cd's/books, and all I got was some amazing naps while pregnant. But I hear it does work for some people.

Yes, exactly, literally everyone thinks they need to tell me that things don't go as planned.

LOL, I love that all you got out of hypnobirthing was naps. I think that is basically what my mom thought when I told her about it. Her face said "Bullsh*t"; her words said (gently), "well, I had to have pitocin for all 4 of my births." Haha.

emilyrose807 · April 2017

mrsmatt1212 said:

@emilyrose807 I'd go find our Homebirth/Birth Center (maybe a page back or so) thread and post on there---I think there are a few ladies who might've done hypnobirthing and can add specialized insight.

As someone planning a homebirth, I totally get where you're coming from, but as PP have said, there's almost no way around hearing others' stories that didn't go well. I know they're not trying to discourage you, and I know it can be discouraging, but it is important to plan for different outcomes. I havent looked into hypnobirthing but, tbh, only positive thoughts seems really impractical! There's a lot that can go awry and being prepared for those things can actually take away the fear.

I will go check it out. Thank you, I hadn't seen that thread. I am giving birth in a hospital and have read 2 books on giving birth including many different interventions and complications, so I feel well educated on the possibilities. I'm not trying to be impractical thinking that nothing will possibly happen to me, but I think that trying to plan for ANY possible thing that can go wrong is so stressful. I would rather focus on what can go right, and I will be in a hospital right across from a surgery suite if anything goes wrong. I'm hoping that "things going wrong" is the job of the medical staff - since there are almost an infinite number of things that can go wrong. And how I am prepared mentally and emotionally is my job - since that is all I can really control.

emilyrose807 · April 2017

AB518 said:

@emilyrose807 I realized that when I don't want to hear other people's opinions for any reason, I just keep my answers relatively vague when they ask a question and then quickly change/redirect the topic. Do what works for you, but I really can't relate to your strategy for staying calm and preparing for birth. I always think of the worst case scenario for almost everything in life because it helps me stay calm and it decreases my stress level when I know what my back up plans are. I have had people tell me a mix of positive and negative comments about birth. I really think that most people are just trying to reinforce that being flexible is important.

You're probably right. I tend to be an oversharer, and I think that gets me into trouble. I will try that next time to see if I can get out of the conversation without hearing some crazy story or advice.

As far as preparing for the worst, that is why I am giving birth in a hospital and not at home, because my husband couldn't stand the stress of being at home and not having the back up in case of the worst case scenario.

emilyrose807 · April 2017

middy411 said:

I think a lot of people really just like to talk about themselves. I can relate to sharing my birth story in a group of women sharing theirs or asking questions about birth. It's not because I want to scare anyone or give unrealistically good expectations... it's because I like to relive the experience through telling it. The good and the bad are all how my beautiful DD came into this world and it's always fun to share. I don't expect to run into anybody who had my exact same experience and if I did, I would be shocked. But I do like to think that telling my story helps people who are looking for more information about birthing see just one more experience of how things could go... or couldn't go for them. Hopefully you can find a way to keep your head up in spite of the things people will say regarding your choices for birth.

I completely agree. Do you feel like people around you tend to try to "one up" each other on the crazy stuff that happens? I think I am just feeling really sensitive right now to it. I never even thought about it before I got pregnant as being weird or too much to hear.

emilyrose807 · April 2017

Kudlica27 said:

As a mom who studied hypnobirth and the Bradley method, I think this something you are going to have to overcome. especially if you want to go that route. You said "That is what is so stressful about birth, you have very little control. The whole point of the prep for birth is to be calm and relax so you are a basket case of stress. " You need to learn to be calm and relaxed no matter what. You can't control birth, just like you can't control what others say. This is good practice for staying calm, focused, and relaxed. If you can't stay relaxed hearing other stories, how do you plan to stay relaxed in the birthing room if something goes wrong? Because part of it is staying relaxed even when the doctor comes in and says the baby is in distress? Or that you are developing a high fever? (both real for this all natural, relaxed mama.)

Good point. I guess I am a basket of stress. I need to chill out and having a hard time doing that with all the craziness. How did you practice to relax in the case of things going "wrong?"

jaclynnn89 · April 2017

@PinkPrincessPiper @britvahok @cmmiller531 I don't know about all of you but my vagina totally blossomed like a flower.... after an epidural, 1hr & 45 min of pit drip, & some Benadryl.... and then pushed for over 2.5 hours cause I was so loopy and the anesthesiologist miscalculated my weight so the epi was way too strong. @emilyrose807 Birth is not pretty, it doesn't always go to plan, and you will totally poo (everyone does... but this was my biggest concern LOL seems so silly now) but the end result of your child in your arms will make all of the worrying you did seem trivial. Try to ignore the unwanted opinions, because trust me, they don't stop after you give birth, if anything you get more advice to which you can say "thank you so much" and then do whatever the heck you feel like anyway.

Verstej2 · April 2017

I think that, as most others have mentioned, women like to share their experiences and birth is such a special time for each of us and so unique for every delivery. I found it incredibly helpful to read other positive birth stories as well as to understand and listen to experiences that don't necessarily strike me as positive but are completely real and just as beautiful and helpful. I highly recommend reading Ina May Gaskin. She is a long time midwife and her books are full of wonderful, positive, beautiful birth experiences. They are wonderfully inspiring and enlightening. There are also a ton of birth sites online dedicated to positive birth stories. I think it's very important to hear a variety of stories and take notes from each. When someone else gifts you with sharing their experience I would listen and thank them for sharing. Then take note of some of the things that you may have learned from their experience, maybe they shared a coping mechanism that you hadn't thought about or maybe they mentioned something that happened to them that you had never considered. Try and learn something from each story while understanding that each story will be flavoured by that individuals personality, instead of just focusing on whether or not it was negative or positive. I have to admit that I have personally chosen not to share my birth stories even when in a group of women who were sharing. Mostly because I have been blessed to have wonderfully positive birth experiences and I always feel so awkward when others seem to have struggled and had long, painful, full of intervention deliveries. This is my fourth child and I have had 3 previous unmedicated deliveries and each has been unique but empowering experience. My first was a hospital delivery and definitely the longest and most challenging of my three. About 12 hours in total, the last 3 in a lovely birthing suite in hospital with 45 minutes of pushing. My last two have both been home births and fairly fast (65 min and 4 hours). All three of my deliveries have been positive and smooth with no tearing or complications and fast recoveries and I like to believe it has been in part because I try and take things as they come. A positive (whatever that means for you) plan is important but so is understanding what your other options are and being prepared for unexpected changes. If you are prepared and you take those in stride then I think you will feel like the outcome is positive and amazing whether you end up with a peaceful unmediated water birth or a rushed emergency c-section. Good luck!

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