Introducing myself (loss mentioned, pregnancy announcement mentioned [not mine])

nmd9168 · April 2017

Hello,
I'm having a rough night and I thought I'd join this board because I feel that there are going to be many rough nights ahead and to be completely honest, I have no one to talk to when I'm upset. I've felt very alone TTC. My husband just got the news today that he has a high presence of Anti-Sperm Antibodies. I've been crying since he told me at 6:30 this evening. It is now 11:35 EST. I have been diagnosed with PCOS, so the combination of the two makes our outlook not-so-great. It also didn't help, but my sister told me about an hour after DH telling about the anti bodys, that she is pregnant with her 3rd child. As you may have guessed, I curled up in a ball, cried until I almost threw up and took some Zzz quil in hopes that I may just fall asleep.

A little about me....
I'm 28 years old, my DH is 29. We've been TTC for a little over 2 years. On Feb 18, 2016, I got a BFP, only to have a MMC on March 31st and the D&C on April 2nd. Severe depression followed and really hasn't subsided since then. I've been through multiple cycles of Clomid prescribed by my OB/Gyn. I've just recently started seeing an RE at U of M after all of our attempts at using Clomid have failed. I have only been to one appointment and this was my husband's first sperm analysis and my first run through of blood tests. This has been a very hard thing for me and to have a few people to talk to about it would be wonderful because I feel so alone. Thanks for reading.

mtpbadger · April 2017

@nmd9168 I'm so sorry about your loss and having to deal with infertility.

This board has so many amazing women, hopefully you will find some support. Getting a new hurdle placed in your way is devastating, especially when others around us keep getting good news.

U of M - University of Minnesota?

IfYouCanDreamIt · April 2017

nmd9168 Sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry you find yourself here yet it's better than going through it all alone. This is an amazing board to be in while struggling through the cards we've been dealt with. I've found lots of support and comfort for sharing on this board and find others successes super inspirational though at times it's better to take a break from it all... I truly hope you will find some support in here.
I know how upsetting it is to hear good news from others while you are struggling with IF, I've worked really hard on my feelings towards pregnancies around me and have come to the conclusion that it's ok to feel how I feel, they would probably feel the same way if they were in my shoes. Infertility, all the disappointments and struggle cannot be explained to people that have not had to go through it.
Sending you healing hugs and strength.

skysong113 · April 2017

@nmd9168 Sorry for your loss. I don't actually post much on the boards since I am benched for the foreseeable future due to life circumstances and finances, but I find this group to be really helpful, both for information and for support. I hope you find comfort and support here too. It's difficult when you get additional surprise problems- my DH developed retrograde ejaculation which is when sperm empty into the bladder instead of coming out the normal way partway through our IUIs so now we can't even try regularly.

I'm not familiar with anti sperm antibodies, maybe an appointment with a urologist? Or maybe your RE will have some suggestions? I have PCOS too. I hope being with this great group of ladies will help you, and I wish you all the best moving forward!

AlohaKumu · April 2017

@nmd9168 I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's shocking to learn about hard diagnoses, especially when it seems like everyone else can get pregnant just by blinking. I hope the medical staff at U of M will be able to give you good options moving forward, even if it seems almost impossible now. It's awful to go through infertility, but you've come to the right place for support. (This group has been amazing for me, especially when we learned that our only option for conceiving was IVF with ICSI.)

funkykey · April 2017

@nmd9168 - Ugh. Your post really spoke to me - I too have had some rough nights where I've cried so, so hard. I must say, though, I had more of those nights before I joined these boards and started participating. I hope you find the same kind of support here as I have, and if not, that you find whatever support you need to get through this, from whatever source.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for a rough diagnosis. What are your next steps? Are you ready to think about next steps yet, or are you going to take it slow?

At the risk of sounding like a mom (oh God, I wish - hahaha), I thought I'd include this:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/6t/vaay9qtebvxq.jpg

IF is brutal and so difficult, it's one of life's great challenges. If there is an upside to it, it's that you will learn a lot about yourself and the kind of person you really are - whether or not you end up with a baby. I've seen women on these boards be more gracious and generous than I ever thought possible, even when they must be feeling great, great pain. I've learned that I can be awfully matter-of-fact, and that I tend to throw myself into challenges head-on. I've seen other women who like to do all their research first, before they make any decisions, and I've learned a lot about my marriage, too.

Good luck to you.

FuzzyDust · April 2017

Welcome! This is a great place for support, glad you joined.
IF can make us feel very hopeless and helpless. I found that once I started going through treatment cycles (IUI a while back, and IVF a month ago), it gave me some sense of empowerment - I was doing something, there is hope again.
All my co-workers seem to be having children in the last 2 years. It all looked so easy fpr them, but I've talked to a few of them - many had struggles, IF, miscarriages, RE help. Now, instead of discouragement from hearing other people success stories, I get hope that it'll work out for me as well.

JuliaGoolia719 · April 2017

FuzzyDust said:.
IF can make us feel very hopeless and helpless. I found that once I started going through treatment cycles (IUI a while back, and IVF a month ago), it gave me some sense of empowerment - I was doing something, there is hope again.

So much this. For the last 18 months every time someone close (or just FB close) announced their pregnancy I promptly drank a bottle of wine and cried. Since we started IVF several of my friends have announced little ones on the way, but it hasn't impacted me quite the same way. I'm still sad its not us, yet, but my first reaction is that I'm happy for my friend and not sad for me (if that makes sense)

nmd9168 · April 2017

University of Michigan. Sorry lol

Irisheyes81 · April 2017

@nmd9168 You aren't alone because you have us! I'm so sorry that you are going through this and for your loss. I know the feeling of getting call after call from doctors with bad news. In fact, the night you were sad and crying, I was sad and crying too. This is an awful journey and other people that don't have any struggles whatsoever is so hard. I will be stuck in traffic looking at all the people and wondering why I can't have one. Hugs.

nmd9168 · April 2017

Sorry for not responding sooner. The past couple of days have been busy as we are having some family come up for the week (Yay... she said sarcastically) for Easter and I have to super-clean so they don't think we're icky. My husband has a urologist appointment on Monday and I have an RE appointment the same day. So we're hopefully gonna find out lots of stuff. Thanks for all of the support. It is much appreciated.

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Introducing myself (loss mentioned, pregnancy announcement mentioned [not mine])

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