First Time Mommies: Friends leaving you out?

ohheyitskristine · March 2017

Hi Ladies!
Have any other first time mommies been experiencing their friends and family leaving you out of events or things just because you're pregnant? Like are they inviting everyone else but you to things, then when you ask they say they didn't think you'd want to go because you're pregnant?
Maybe I'm just emotional, but it's really making me sad. Yeah, sometimes I'd rather take a nap...but it's nice to be invited...

wyomama0427 · March 2017

Girl my sister uninvited me from her bachelorette party when I got pregnant with DS. I wanted to go so bad but she didn't want me there because I was pregnant. I feel your pain

beccam1230 · March 2017

Not a ftm.. but with my first, it happened a lot! It was really frustrating, and sadly didn't stop when DS was born. It just went from "oh you're pregnant" to "you have a newborn". It kinda sucked! My sister wanted to go on vacation late this summer, and she was choosing extremely hot locations that actually had issues with Zika and I told her I just wasn't willing to do that. I asked if we could possibly go somewhere cooler and closer so I could go. She just looked at me and said "well then don't go." Yeah.. thanks. DH got really upset with her too. Unfortunately people tend to be less sensitive in certain situations when you're pregnant. But I'm sorry it's happening to you, it's never fun

mrs_tacos · March 2017

It has happened some. There was a girls day planned to a local vineyard and spa a few weeks ago, and though I was invited, they wanted me to DD, and I was told repeatedly how bored I'd be. It was obvious some people thought I'd ruin the fun.

Also, I have a friend who is single who claims that she never wants kids, but everyone know that's BS, and she's clearly struggled to be around me since she found out I'm pregnant. We normally get dinner at least once a month, if not twice, but she never makes any overtures towards me anymore, and ignores my efforts to see her outside group settings. We have a large group of mutual friends, and it's started to become painfully awkward when we're together. She sometimes struggles not to cry when the conversation turns to my pregnancy or future child, and it's obviously not because she's so happy for me. Yet she vehemently denies any desire to ever have children. It's getting weird.

mamakculb · March 2017

Also not a FTM, but I had this same problem. My best friend was over the moon excited when I was pregnant with my first, hosted a baby shower for me and enjoyed all the baby prepping stuff with me.Then there were a few parties or group events that I wasn't even invited to because "oh I just assumed you couldn't make it" which was true in some cases, but it hurt to not be invited at least. Some of my more casual friends grew more distant too, its an unfortunate growing pain of growing a family. Its hard when you're the first of your friends to start a family, and they are still single/unmarried/childless. My best friend and I hang out far less often as we used to, but we still have a great time chatting and catching up when we do. It's kind of a good time to really devote yourself to the relationships that matter most, but I understand the disappointment and feeling left out. I promise you though, when your baby is sleeping on your chest and everything is silent and you just think "wow, I grew you in my belly and dreamed about you for months and here you are" it won't feel like anything is missing. Hugs mama!

Sugargirl1019 · March 2017

@mrs_tacos I'd have to be suspicious about your friends reasoning! Infertility or a diagnosis that makes it impossible to have kids.. and she's just playing it off as "she never wants kids". That's so sad. If you can, you might try to talk with her more about her feelings? She could appreciate you listening and validating her. But she may not want to share at all.

mrs_tacos · March 2017

@Sugargirl1019 This friend and I have been very close for a long time. Last year she had a large ovarian cyst that they originally thought might be cancerous, but ended up being benign and had no impact on her fertility. (I know this because I went to several of her appointments with her.) During the process, she immediately jumped from "this might be cancer," to, "I have cancer, and I will be infertile, and I will probably die," even though none of that ended up being true. (She's very emotional, and tends to assume the worst in a lot of situations.) It was frustrating at the time because I had started going through infertility testing after 4 years of TTC, which she knew about, and would brush off because "at least I didn't have cancer." (At the time, I didn't say a lot in return because I knew she was scared, though I've since regretted not saying more to her when she was so insensitive.) I've thought for a long time that she's been very dishonest about herself with what she really wants (a husband and family), because she's 37, and believes that her chance for those things is gone. (She has said as much during many discussions, despite many friends trying to encourage her otherwise.) I would love to talk through this newest issue with her, but that's not possible when she won't return my texts and call. It's hard, because I care about her a great deal, but she's very dramatic about a lot of things, and often makes situations about her that shouldn't be. (Sorry this turned into such a novel!)

sugarrush · March 2017

Not a FTM either, but I experienced it too. Not as bad as the others stories, mainly just didn't get invited to events that were alcohol-related. But what made it worse for me is that DH would still get invited (WTF?) and he would actually go!! Jerk. I had to do some "inner searching" and came to the conclusion that I might not have enjoyed myself anyway. Frequently getting up to pee, feeling huge, being around the drunken stupor? In retrospect I am at peace about it. I did miss my friends though (at the time I was the first of all of us to have a baby... I was 30, and it made me feel like I was 16 and pregnant, lol!). Anyway, the only thing I ever did say once through a group text message was that I hoped they had fun, send pictures, and that I was sad to miss out but don't forget about me the pregnant one and that I would love to come next time, drive myself there, and promised I wouldnt be a nuisance.

That's as passive aggressive as I got.

ColoradoHiker · March 2017

It happened to me as well, especially with DS. A lot of my friends are not having kids by choice, and while they like other people's kids, they tend to have get togethers that are really just adult oriented, and kids don't really fit the atmosphere of it all. It bothered me a lot because my bff had kids two years before I did, and I really made the effort to stay close and love her kids, even when I didn't have my own. Yes, it changed our relationship and how we do things together, but it wasn't in a bad way. Sometimes you just have to accept that having kids is going to permanently alter relationships, and find other friends who do have kids.

mrsmarygs · March 2017

So far I've still gotten invited to things, but I haven't been able to go because of morning sickness for the past two months. I'm hoping I'll still get invited to things, while pregnant and after having the baby, but since I've skipped out so many times, I'm afraid all my friends might stop inviting me. However, I'm the first of any of them to get married/get pregnant, so having a baby in the group is kind of novel to all my college-aged friends.

kelseyrayay · March 2017

a lot of people experience this. Myself included. And that's why we come to the bump make new mommy friends that will support you no matter what ❤

mrsvp614 · March 2017

So... full disclosure, I've actually enjoyed using pregnancy to get out of some social gatherings. Ha!
But my friends are pretty split, half who have kids, half do not. I have yet to feel super neglected. Although my college friends made plans to go to a concert at the beginning of November, which I can't commit to, having a newborn at that time. But I'm not sad about it. I just know that's how it is and I'm still very close with my friends with kids who've been there.
This board definitely helps me feel less alone too!

msashley2010-2 · March 2017

A lot changed about my circle of friends when I got pregnant with my daughter. I got pregnant with DD when I was 18 years old. Of course I was the first of any of my friends to become pregnant so it was a bit of a scandal and I was the topic of many malicious conversations. I pretty much cut off most of the people I used to be friends with because the gossip really hurt me. I didn't even go to my high school graduation because I felt like I would be shamed and ridiculed for it.

It's a bit different now at 27 and pregnant with baby number 2. Some of my friends do not really think about me when it comes to the "night time" stuff where they will be drinking (but I'm always asleep by 10pm so I never would go anyway) but I still get invited to daytime stuff like birthday parties and movies, etc.

i would be a little hurt if my friends hung out out with me less just for being pregnant. I would definitely talk to them about my feelings if that were the case.

wannabeamongoose · March 2017

I'll be honest, reading this has made me eternally thankful for my friends. I was the first among my friends to have a baby but I was never left out when I was pregnant and I'm still not left out now that I have a child. They even make accommodations when I can't find a sitter, like starting earlier so that DS and I can join them for the first part of their night or changing locations/activities to things that are more kid friendly. Maybe it's because we're in our 30s so we don't really party that hard anymore anyway.
Can you talk to your friends? Maybe they don't even realize they are doing it, or don't realize that it's hurtful.

coolwhipz1 · March 2017

Yes

In fact my two closest friends that live here in town I have seen one twice, and the other one only once. They've just stopped inviting me to things, I guess they assume I wouldn't want to go. I can still go to brunch, I like eating too! It hurts but thats just the way it is. One of my friends, I invite her to go see a movie or do this and that, and she always replies with "I already have plans with the girls, we're going to go brewery hopping sorry!"

I don't want to sound all bad though, a couple of other friends have invited me to do stuff. I was invited to the Pow Wow last weekend but had some family in town, and the other has gotten us tickets to a few concerts this summer

tiki8286 · March 2017

Yea, happened to me when I had my 1st years ago. Then once my daughter was born, it happened again. BUT I joined a bunch of meetup mom groups in my area and met some wonderful women who were not only in the same boat, friend wise, but also had kids the same age as mine. I feel like things like this happen for a reason and as we grow as adults and parents, we learn to adapt and meet new people who "get" us more. Doesn't make loosing some long term friends any easier in the beginning tho.

ohheyitskristine · March 2017

coolwhipz1 said:

Yes

In fact my two closest friends that live here in town I have seen one twice, and the other one only once. They've just stopped inviting me to things, I guess they assume I wouldn't want to go. I can still go to brunch, I like eating too! It hurts but thats just the way it is. One of my friends, I invite her to go see a movie or do this and that, and she always replies with "I already have plans with the girls, we're going to go brewery hopping sorry!"

I don't want to sound all bad though, a couple of other friends have invited me to do stuff. I was invited to the Pow Wow last weekend but had some family in town, and the other has gotten us tickets to a few concerts this summer

almost identical boat.

they either assume and dont bother asking. or if they do ask and i say no or do go and leave early...they get angry.

a little understanding would be wonderful, you know???

JNR6510 · March 2017

I am the last of my college friends to have a kid. They pretty much all ditched me after they got pregnant. Most of them managed to get KU with due dates within three months of each other. So they basically excluded me from all activities then because I wasn't pregnant or a mom so I wouldn't enjoy the things they liked to do.

labby18 · March 2017

I went MIA during the 1st trimester keeping the pregnancy under wraps so I kind of feel i did it to myself. My neighbor had us over for game night it was a blast everyone was drinking but i still have a dirty mind and enjoy laughing (get the game Draw WHAT. So funny!!). My other good friend out here has been dealing with family stuff outta town so we havent seen much of eachother. We shall see how it goes the rest of pregnancy. Most of my friends out here have kids.

ohheyitskristine · April 2017

JNR6510 said:

I am the last of my college friends to have a kid. They pretty much all ditched me after they got pregnant. Most of them managed to get KU with due dates within three months of each other. So they basically excluded me from all activities then because I wasn't pregnant or a mom so I wouldn't enjoy the things they liked to do.

I never understood that. If you're as good as friends as you thought, the milestone would be celebrated together. To shun someone for not reaching the same milestone is pretentious as hell.

Ae_Lovely321 · April 2017

I haven't experienced this really because I don't have any friends here. We moved in October and with the weather here I've been pretty much a hermit. I'm hoping to join some mom groups after the little one is born. They have a group at my hospital called village friends where you get together with other moms in your trimester, but you have to give up your one on one appointments with the dr. Since it is our first child, DH and I don't feel comfortable doing that. Maybe your hospital will have something similar?

BigBadWolf12 · April 2017

@ae_lovely321 wait, so your appointments become group appointments if you do the Village Friends program? that seems super weird and a bit unethical (totally crosses patient privacy issues...) unless I'm completely misunderstanding the setup and the reason behind giving up your one-on-one appts. :S

Breath_Easy92 · April 2017

Hearing yalls stories makes me feel better. Since getting pregnant I've felt kinda left out, not of family things everyone in my family has tons of kids but my friends. Most of them don't have kids/don't want them right now or maybe ever and they kids say things like "ugh well you use to be fun but now you can't drink with us" "don't you think it's gross you have like another person in you" "what will you do if you don't lose the baby weight? Do you miss being hot?" "doesn't it suck you can't have fun anymore" like they dont just not invite me to things anymore they make it a point of pushing me out of our friend group. I have some other friends with kids who I thought would be better (their single moms) and they honestly just seem pissed my husband is involved they act like they have a problem but when I try to talk to them about it they say it's nothing and I'm being hormonal. I don't think it's just me making it up in my head I mean my husband and my best friend see it too. My best friend hates kids but she always has but she doesn't care that I'm pregnant. In her words she says she doesn't want to baby sit or touch them what so ever but she'll buy them cute stuff and take pictures lol

Ae_Lovely321 · April 2017

@BigBadWolf12 Yup pretty much. You still get individual doppler time and maybe ultrasound I haven't looked much into it because once she said individual appointments stop my brain shut off.

SummerGirl21 · April 2017

JNR6510 said:

I am the last of my college friends to have a kid. They pretty much all ditched me after they got pregnant. Most of them managed to get KU with due dates within three months of each other. So they basically excluded me from all activities then because I wasn't pregnant or a mom so I wouldn't enjoy the things they liked to do.

This happened to me too. My son is 2 years younger than the youngest kid in one of my college friend groups, and I totally got dumped from everything. I also got married a bit later, so I had already experienced the dumping from the "marrieds," but it still hurt. I have another group of college friends (ex-study group) and among them I was the first to get married and have kids, but I always made a point to include them in things and get together with them so they 1) didn't feel how I felt with my other group and 2) so they got the message that I was still a normal person who liked to hang out with them. As they have gotten married and started families, there has been a lot less distance between us than with the other friend group. As much as it sucks, and you want people to be considerate, sometimes you have to be the one to push the issue and take initiative if the friendships are important. And sometimes people just get weird about certain things. Can't fix that.

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