trigger Feeling overwhelmingly sad. My honest grief.

meatytugboat · March 2017

i started seeing pink discharge sat morning that gradually got darker. I was going to be 7 weeks this last Wednesday and I was happily and also fearfully pregnant with my 4th baby. My husband had already coined up a very sweet and endearing nickname for me during my pregnancy(this is one of his few forms of "doting"). I was already attached. I was in love with this baby. And now it's gone. I'm so shocked by how much this hurts. I'm just so overwhelmingly sad. And guilty. And angry. I'm trying to listen to what the universe is telling me. But, my god! This hurts so much!

then this happened:

I had to pick DD up from school early because I had to go take DH to an appointment at 2. I tried to call ahead to the school but they said they don't pull them from class until the parent is physically there. So, naturally I showed up just as she was switching to PE, so I had to wait for them to get to PE and then the PR teacher to send her over. 10 seconds after I walked in the door this lady and a little boy (3or 4 yo) walk in and gives the name of a boy and girl to be pulled from their classes. Then the lady and the receptionist start talking and I find out that the lady is the grandmother and their mom is in the hospital after having baby number 4. The girl showed up first and the grandmother told her she had a surprise for her and her brother and she'd show her when her brother got there. Then when the boy arrived she pulled out her phone and showed the kids a picture of their new baby brother and they were so happy and excited and I started crying cuz it just hurt so so much. I mean, it literally took my breath away. And I felt bad cuz I was clearly crying and they were trying to have this special moment. But I couldn't move, I just stood there, crying.

I felt like such an asshole. But, I was paralyzed with pain and sadness, guilt for feeling joy for them, guilt for letting my sadness intrude on their beautiful moment. But mostly sadness. It sliced through me and it physically hurt. I wanted to walk out so bad but I needed to be able to confirm that it was ok for me to stand outside and wait for my daughter. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth I would just start sobbing uncontrollably. So I just turned my back to them awkwardly and silently shook as tears streamed down my face. Finally the receptionist told me that I could go outside if I wanted to, I think she thought I was being rude, I agreed with her.

i don't think my husband cares. It wasn't real for him, he can just do it again.

He doesn't have pieces of our baby falling out of him.

I hate the the person I am right now. I feel so weak, why does this hurt so much?

meatytugboat · March 2017

Now I have this heavy hard feeling in my chest. I don't know if I want to try again, I don't want to feel like this again.

JESSABER0414 · March 2017

@meatytugboat oh dear, I'm so sorry for your loss and this moment. I can imagine reacting the same way. There are no words, but just know you are doing the best you can just to get through under the radar let alone when it's in your face as a straight blow and you feel paralyzed. I'm hoping you realize soon your guilt is fine and they won't remember even if they thought it was rude. You get a pass in my mind. I hate the bracing for impact feeling and hope it wears off a little more with time. Hugs.

Texafornian · March 2017

@meatytugboat first, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Everything you're feeling is TOTALLY appropriate, normal, warranted and indicative of great grief. You're going to go through so many phases and they will hurt...you'll feel fine and then something will set you off again.
I totally get the freak out over trying again as well. I had a loss at 8wks last April and just went through another less than two weeks ago at 13+4 weeks that crushed me far more than my previous loss especially seeing as I was so much further along.
Ive cried at seemingly inappropriate times and I've felt anger toward my pregnant friends and I feel like a horrible person in those moments. I even have a friend who was two weeks behind me and seeing her announce on Facebook broke me in half...she teaches my dd's music class and im contemplating dropping it just so I don't have to watch her belly grow because it hurts THAT much.
Time DOES heal...you won't get over it but you will get through it. Know you're not alone in your feelings even though at times it feels so isolating especially when hubby didn't physically experience the loss.
Hang in there! If you need to vent...please feel free to PM me...

meatytugboat · March 2017

Thank you both for your kind words.

starla · March 2017

@meatytugboat I'm so sorry for your loss. It truly is a very difficult thing to understand unless you've experienced it yourself and it's hard to make others understand the grief. I often try to remind myself that when I see someone who is angry or upset or sad that I don't know what they're going through. We all have our own life experiences and tough shit we've gone through. I hope those people (at least the adults) gave you a pass when they saw you upset. As for trying again, that's a tough one and probably only a decision that you, DH, and your doctor can make together.

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