New Here! Need Advice on telling Husband's family about Infertility/IVF

mc4dj13 · March 2017

HI All

Do any of you have any stories you can share regarding telling your family/spouse's family about your struggles with Infertility? I am in no way ashamed of my struggles and how far I have come, but I want to openly discuss it with his family should the topic come up. It already has come up with my MIL who warned me not to tell her side of the family. Initially I was shocked because I cannot imagine getting anything but love and support from them. My husband was clueless as to why she would say this to me and he feels she is doing this to protect me from potential criticism from his family. My initial reaction is to think she is embarrassed by having a daughter in law with infertility. We have a distant but civil relationship, and I just felt it was very bold of her to request we keep it quiet. Have any of you had a similar situation where a parent or in law asked you to keep your infertility struggles private? How did it turn out? I would like to hear the good, bad, and ugly. Thank you in advance.

funkykey · March 2017

Hi @mc4dj13 - this is so interesting to me! My family and DH's family are so different in their approaches, and I see pros and cons to both!

My family is more formal than DH's family, and would never ask us if we were "thinking about starting a family" or "going to start trying soon". For my family, (like cousins, etc) questions like that are seen as prying or impolite, even amongst ourselves. In DH's family, a couple of cousins have bluntly asked us.

The downside of having a family that's a little more, err, stiff is that we don't talk about a lot of health issues - like no one gossips about anyone's health, even. So there have been a couple of cases where we'll have much later found out that someone had cancer and was undergoing treatment, and I'll think: "I wish I'd known so I could have brought them dinner." Because DH's family is more open, they can be more supportive... even though it means sometimes they say the wrong things.

The reason we don't share with DH's family is because I'm not comfortable with it, not because I'm worried they would be judgmental.

When I first read your post, I wondered if maybe your MIL was from a family like mine - just one who doesn't talk about health issues... Regardless, it is a bold request! Are there childless couples on her side who might be sensitive about your bringing it up? That's the only thing I can think...

mc4dj13 · March 2017

@ Funkykey Thank you for your reply

Don't cha just love how families can be so different?

It makes me scratch my head because my husband's family is very old fashioned, but they will openly celebrate his cousins who have had children out of marriage.

My husband's family is extremely fertile, they just look at each other and get pregnant. No one's feelings would be hurt.

I have a feeling she is afraid of them making comments either to me or our prospective children. Like it is a "dirty secret"

The whole thing seems silly to me and I wished she was more positive and optimistic about our journey and how others will take it.

mandasd · March 2017

We told my husbands parents we are doing IVF mainly because his older brother has special needs so won't be having any children, so we figured his mom would want to know we are trying to give them grandkids! We just told them the basics, not a ton of details. My parents know all the details, down to my shot schedule and appointments since they are just generally more involved in our lives. I also told my sister since she did IVF 10 years ago and now had 3 kids from IVF. She's generally not supportive of anything I do so I knew I would receive some negativity, which I did.

I suggest you do what you feel most comfortable doing and make sure you and your husband are on the same page with what you choose to inform people about. I tend to be an over-sharer but hubs isn't so comfortable with that so I try and respect that.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Family dynamics can be so tough! Welcome!

We haven't discussed any details with anyone on either side of the family. My mom is a doctor, but I don't necessarily want to hear her two cents on our personal medical decisions, kwim? I get the feeling she would be supportive if we ended up pursuing ivf, since she was very supportive of my gay cousin's ivf, but I'm not sure I will want to share that information with her even then. We'll see how I feel if we come to it.

As for DHs family, I have a different relationship with MiL, SiL, FiL and SMIL... I would <i>almost</i> tell MiL before my own mother, but tough call. Her own MiL is very sick right now, and she's taking a lot on in terms of her care. SIL just got through battling cancer, as did an uncle on DHs dad's side. So I'm not sure telling everyone we are struggling with IF or contemplating IVF is rrally such a great idea. Just like, more bad news, kwim? I'd really rather wait till we are 12-14 weeks ku! :D and even then, not sure how much I will feel comfortable discussing our struggle. They all know we have been at least ntnp since the wedding... which was 21 months ago, so....

Meanwhile, a cousin on his side has already gotten ku and delivered. Comments have turned from, "You'll be next...," to, "Do you guys want kids?" and, "Don't worry, it took grandma and grandpa three years to get their first (of five)," (not sure how true that is), and this total awkwardness where I didn't even get to hold the baby at Christmas. Not sure what that's about.

It sucks. SIL has a birthday coming up for one of her girls, and I just know SMIL is going to have a comment about what WONDERFUL parents we're going to be.... :'(

adirat · March 2017

Good luck -- this is a tough issue. I think the other ladies here have given some really good advice. The only other caution I'd give you is perhaps she is protecting you from others' opinions of ivf. My husband comes from a Catholic family and many of his relatives believe ivf (and all IF treament) is immoral. While I do not believe that and I don't really care about their criticism, my husband did care about it and he would never have wanted some of his family members to know because he wouldn't have wanted to hear their opinions on its immorality.

The rule of thumb we used was who we felt we could trust to support us unequivocally. If you have a close, emotionally trusting relationship with someone, my experience is that telling them about IF is a positive. For those who you can't trust emotionally...maybe it isn't worth adding more to your already-full psychic plate. And honestly we didn't tell many people.

Good luck.

funkykey · March 2017

@mc4dj13 - I have a feeling she is afraid of them making comments either to me or our prospective children. Like it is a "dirty secret"

Ugh, fear is a strong motivator.

I didn't mention, I had no idea my parents had had a hard time conceiving me until I made a comment to them about how my DH and I had been struggling. This is how private they are. They kept their struggles very secret: turns out, one of my sisters and I were conceived with clomid - my mom didn't even tell her sister! So my father has been very sweet and supportive. Only my dad, step-mom, and immediate family know, and one cousin. I've told no one else on my side, though I think a couple of aunts suspect.

DH's family - his mom, brother, and my SIL know, but only recently. And then a couple of cousins. It's been odd hearing what my MIL has to say.
****TW******
Like you, my DH has some family members who look at each other and get pregnant, which was the case for my MIL. My DH's oldest brother was born when she was just a teenager! A surprise pregnancy. Same with her other kids, including my DH.
****end TW*****
Of course, this knowledge brings up a whole glut of emotions for me, not just for myself, but also for my DH.

My parents wanted me very much - and all through my childhood I knew that. I honestly felt every day that they'd loved me and wanted me and worked hard for me; this has given me confidence in almost every area of my life. Finding out they'd had to try for 2 years to have me, only when I was dealing with IF myself, was such an awakening. Like: "Oh, that makes so much sense." How much they loved being parents, how doting they were, etc. I never, ever felt like they didn't love being parents, and love having a family.

Having had that experience, it's hard for me not to look at DH's family and be judgmental. My MIL is a good woman, and a good mother, and my FIL too. MY DH is great, I'm so lucky. And I certainly don't wish IF on anyone... But my childhood seems especially charmed by comparison.

Anyway, it seems my circumstances are very different from yours: in my case, learning more about my inlaws has made me realize how lucky I am, which is not a great way to feel... I don't feel ashamed at all of anything DH and I are doing to TTC - if anything, I'm proud - but I am a little ashamed of how harshly I judge sometimes, of the little voice inside me that asks: "Would you have been better parents if you'd had to work harder to conceive?"

If I were in your shoes, I'd be pretty offended by my MIL's request. It might be worth asking her why she made that request/why she feels that way. Being a childhood cancer survivor is certainly nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, it is a point of pride. IF is common in cancer survivors, those unlucky enough to be striken before they have had children - most educated people realize this. The only "dirty secret" here is what a warrior you are, and how awful cancer is.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

<span style="font-size: 21px;">@funkykey said: *snipped*</span><span>
</span><div class="Quote">
It might be worth asking her why she made that request/why she feels that way. Being a childhood cancer survivor is certainly nothing to be ashamed of! In fact, it is a point of pride. </div><p>This.</p>

mc4dj13 · March 2017

Thank you ladies. I feel so welcome here

I appreciate you opening up and explaining your situations and what you've overcome. We are all warriors!

@funkykey I am sorry to her about your mother's struggles, but at least you can appreciate what she went through to have you! I am a person of faith and believe our struggles don't define us, but make us see the world in a deeper appreciation.

We naturally want to open up to others, but like @adirat said it's hard to know who you can trust emotionally. I know if I did open up to some of his aunts, the others may get wind of it and question why I chose to not inform them of our struggles. I just want to remain consistent across the board, my husband recommends we keep it simple and short - say something like "Because of the cancer treatment i received as a child, we were not able to have children naturally and so we turned to IVF" I am opening to discussing it further with those who genuinely care, not those who just want to gossip.

Long ago we talked with his grandmother about our situation and she suggested adoption. Also- strict Catholic family.

JuliaGoolia719 · March 2017

I've been super open with my family and closest friends about what we've been going through. My mom has basically known the steps we've taken as they've happened, venting is my main method of coping so without them my poor DH would have gone crazy I think.

DH really didn't say anything to his parents until right before we started IVF, I didn't feel comfortable talking to them about it until he did. Once he told them my in laws have been fantastic, very supportive without being smothering. We did a retrieval cycle and then sent our 2 embabies off for PGS testing, when DH called his parents to tell them that both came back normal (squee) his mom got all emotional and said she felt like they were already her grandkids. As far as telling the rest of his family it likely won't come up because we don't talk about super personal things with them, other than my SIL and they are going through very similar struggles with IF so I'm sure that we'll end up talking with them about it at some point in the future.

That being said, DH and I decided that when we do the transfer we won't be telling anyone. We also decided not to gender reveal until we transfer and (FX) have a successful pregnancy. We decided that we want part of this whole process to just be ours for a while.

mc4dj13 · March 2017

@JuliaGoolia719 do you know when your transfer will be? It sounds like you've got a great focus on who you're telling, when, and why.

JuliaGoolia719 · March 2017

mc4dj13 we do, we have a date and schedule, we've been just telling people that we'll be doing it "in a few months" and stretching the timeline for how long a FET takes to prep for.

I haven't talked to DH about whether posting on the boards counts as "telling" since we don't know anyone in real life.... I literally just thought about that now

Irisheyes81 · March 2017

I have a little bit of a different perspective. I'm such an open book that I told both my family and DH's family everything. I have found that it was not a great idea. First of all, I don't only feel disappointed and devastated by bad news, I also feel guilty because I'm about to make the family sad! I feel like I have to struggle alone because everyone is so aware. It was the opposite of what I thought it would be having support. I just figured they would want to know.

@mc4dj13 It is weird that your MIL wouldn't want you to share anything. I feel like that could be for a million reasons. There are people in my family that believe IVF goes against their religion. They also think that the cost to have a child is not an acceptable way to spend money. She might be trying to protect you from a lot of people knowing and trying to get all in to your life and struggles.

mc4dj13 · March 2017

thanks @Knottie48095479 I agree, sharing or over-sharing sometimes can blow back on us. Innocently, I though that including my MIL in our journey would get her excited and instead she feels like we should hide it away from everyone.

mtele · March 2017

I have really appreciated reading everyone's experiences regarding telling family members. It is interesting to hear how different the responses can be. My DH and I have told very few people. Our issue is MFI so I have felt the opposite- one of the reasons I haven't told my family is that I don't want them to treat DH harshly. My parents are also pretty conservative and can be somewhat judgmental. They are very supportive of me but sometimes make DH feel bad about himself. In addition to that, I don't really want to deal with their opinions and have them tell me they think we should do things differently.

mc4dj13 · March 2017

thanks @mtele do your DH's family know of your situation and the MFI?

I can't imagine how my husband would feel if we were going through this because of him

I have been used to this for so long, I am a bit numb to it.

It makes me sad that people we are close to - specifically family - are so judgmental and critical over things like this. it's not like your husband asked for this.

mtele · March 2017

Thanks @mc4dj13! It makes me sad too- no one has actually been critical about my husband I just don't want to give anyone a chance to be critical. He feels terrible about it- particularly because I am now the one who has to go through IVF. I'm sure he wishes there were something he could to to fix the problem. He has told his dad- they are really close. I'm not sure if his mom knows or not. Thankfully they don't really talk about it around me. I think that would make me uncomfortable!

mandabee33 · March 2017

I am so sorry you have to add this stress on top of the IF issues. I don't have any great words of wisdom but I did wanted to offer some support. We are struggling with IF issues too, I have put my husband in charge of releasing the details he sees fit to his side of the family. When they mention babies to me, I just smile and say "we are trying!" You do what feels best for you!

JuliaGoolia719 · March 2017

mc4dj13 said:

thanks @mtele do your DH's family know of your situation and the MFI?

I can't imagine how my husband would feel if we were going through this because of him I have been used to this for so long, I am a bit numb to it.

It makes me sad that people we are close to - specifically family - are so judgmental and critical over things like this. it's not like your husband asked for this.

When we found out that MFI was part of our issue my heart broke, DH took it really hard and its one of the very few times in the 11 years we've been together that I've seen him cry. It took about 5 months before he mentioned anything to his parents about us doing IVF, and I think it was bc he didn't want to tell them that it was partly his issue. Once we found out about the MFI I scaled WAY back on what I shared, I'm fine with putting my info out there, its my choice, but I didn't feel comfortable telling our friends about DH's medical info (mostly bc most of our friends are couples that we're both close to, and I didn't want his friends to hear anything via their wives that DH hadn't chosen to tell them)

AlohaKumu · March 2017

I have that same concern in the back of my mind, @JuliaGoolia719. Even though DH and I are usually very open, the MFI has hit him really hard. I generally let him take the lead on telling people or at least get a nod of approval before sharing.

MariaBend25 · April 2017

We will probably never tell my husbands family. First, I don't speak their language so it is entirely up to him to tell them. Second, they would never discuss such a private matter in their culture. They do always wish and pray for us to have many babies but don't ask any questions. Maybe one day he will say or maybe they will figure it out, but pretty positive it won't be discussed.
For my family, my parents are in medicine and I would normally share everything to get their input. But this has been different. They want grand babies! Despite having siblings, I am the oldest and the one they want to reproduce! It was constant questions so even though my husband didn't want me to tell them anything, especially that he is also infertile, I eventually brought it up. A simple, no we aren't having kids. Then the questions of why not ect made me say simply that we can't. Which led to the medical questions of why not. I tried to just say I can't have kids, I have PCOS but my mom was like well are you sureeee?? It is often the male ect...so I said we have both gotten tested and neither of us is fertile so safe to say we won't be having kids. Then they stated there are medical ways around issues and I simply said we won't be doing IVF. I don't want to discuss us attempting IUI when we do start. Mostly just trying to protect my husbands feelings on his sperm issues, but I would personally prefer to discuss things.
I would say discuss what you want to with whom you want to. And while your MIL's request is odd, maybe she has a good point. It is hard enough keeping your parents in the loop to then have to tell everyone else in the family and deal with all their questions on every family get together. Keeping it with your in laws and nuclear family members is probably best anyway.

New Here! Need Advice on telling Husband's family about Infertility/IVF

Re: New Here! Need Advice on telling Husband's family about Infertility/IVF

Choose Another Board

Search Boards