How to make it through baby shower gracefully?

kaseycoco · March 2017

Hello lovely ladies! I am going to a friends baby shower soon and have been dreading it for a long time. I knew I couldn't decline despite my desire to avoid these things since she's such a close friend. She knows just the tip of the iceberg regarding my fertility struggles, and I'll be honest, I stopped talking to her about it completely after she got pregnant seconds after she decided she wanted to be. I'm not sure if she mentioned my struggle to her mom (I could see her doing that in passing). But her family can be very blunt and ask delicate questions in a not so delicate way. I know that I'm going to be asked, "are you pregnant yet, no? Why not..." or "I heard you've been having a hard time..."etc.
Sorry this is rambling a bit, but I'd love to have a few solid replies in my back pocket so I don't feel the need to awkwardly run to the ladies room and cry. So, do you ladies have any way you handle the dreaded question gracefully? Or tips on just getting through a baby shower in general?

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

@kaseycoco - hey, my advice may not help, but I literally avoid baby showers. Is it too late to make up an excuse and just send a gift? Maybe come down with that stomach virus that is going around...your friend wouldn't want you around her sick anyway! Ugh that is so rude that they will pry and ask you questions like that. I don't think you should subject yourself to that at this time. That's just my opinion

mtpbadger · March 2017

Could you take her out to lunch/brunch another day to celebrate instead of going? Or go early and let her know you may have to leave early (you could either make up an excuse, tell her you're not feeling well or even tell her you want to support her but right now you need to take care of you) so that way you can just sneak out when you need to and not have to interrupt to say goodbye.

If anyone asks you anything, try and turn it back about the friend and just ignore the question that was asked. That's what I do when my mother in law asks me anything! I just pretend I didn't hear the question and move on to something else.

funkykey · March 2017

@kaseycoco - ugh. I was at a baby shower about a month ago, and only about 3 of the 18 women there knew I was having trouble. For the most part, it was fine - everyone was lovely and it was nice to catch up with friends of friends I don't see often - but I did get the dreaded: "So, do you guys think you'll have kids soon?" question once. The woman who asked me was holding her own chubby 3-month-old while she asked it, and is a kind person, if a little oblivious.

I was like: "We'd love to, but it's not been so easy for us. So we'll see."

I find gentle responses like that are the best, especially with those I'm not close to - responses like: "we hope to be so lucky" or "maybe one day". I'm not often pushed when I say that - most often, the person who asked is like: "d'oh!" and then embarrassed for asking. If I'm pushed, like: "you're not getting any younger", then I push back, like: "thanks for the reminder, mom" or "f*ck you". If you deliver it dryly enough, the person might even laugh.

Sometimes I find it helpful (as a coping strategy) during the gift opening to take note of all the stuff I like, so I can get it from my friend later, after her baby grows out of it - this is the upside of having kids later. Once I'm pregnant, I'm going to hit some women up for hand-me-downs HARD. Especially my sisters.

And if all else fails, take a flask.

Also - a note - I find showers are easier depending on the day. On CD1 or right after a BFN, I'd have a way way harder time with a shower. Around CD12 though, it's easier. Good luck!

FuzzyDust · March 2017

This my not be helpful, but my approach - openly tell everyone what's going on with me. I refuse to feel uncomfortable - if they can't handle the direct honest answer, it's on them for asking.

greenhillgirl · March 2017

@kaseycoco if you don't know the person who is asking nosy and rude questions intimately id be tempted to just lie and say oh we were going to but then he decided he just had to take me on this once in a lifetime whirlwind trip of Western Europe and I'm so caught up in planning. Then change the subject. Growing up in the South I heard a lot of the Bless Your Heart insults. You could finish it with - I just don't want to have any regrets once it's all diapers and sleepless nights. Also can you have a cocktail during? And can you plan a nice restorative activity for yourself after like yoga or a special bubble bath with fancy products?

Stepmomttcmy1 · March 2017

I personally have avoided those of people I am not close with. Since this is a close friend, you could always go and if it gets hard, leave early. I tend to be blunt when people push with the questions regarding my reproductive status. If they are being rude, I am very blunt. Like when people have asked if something is wrong with my or DH, I reply back truthfully, Yes, we both have infertility issues. That usually shuts them up.
Maybe speak to a friend that will also be there and have her be your support system if you need it. Good luck!

mc4dj13 · March 2017

Hi @kaseycoco

It sounds like you really care about your friend, and as much as you would love to share in her shower it may be the safer bet to skip it and do a more intimate lunch.

I would not subject myself to questions from people that were not close friends or family.

Being curious can be innocent, but when people take it a step further and proceed to pry in your business that can be really uncomfortable.

I love baby showers and see them as another family get together. If you are on the fence about doing something from the start, your feelings probably won't change. I hope you make the best decision for you!

daisy222-2 · March 2017

I usually just say "maybe someday!" and smile (hopefully not too fake of one) and then change the subject to something neutral and not baby related.

I can't imagine saying to someone "I hear you've been having trouble", ugh! Like what makes someone think that someone else wants to talk about their medical issues with you! I am sorry you are hearing things like that.

You could pretend like you have another place to be like 1 or 1.5 hours after the start of the baby shower so that if you need to bail out early, you have an excuse.

Good luck if you go.

J1006 · March 2017

I usually stuck with the "when it happens, it happens" comment. Then walk away from the conversation. I work at a school and one day a parent ran up to me in that hallway and flat out asked, "Are you pregnant?" I looked at him and said, No, I'm just chubby, and walked away. Probably not the most professional comment of my life, but I thought people were smarter than that.

My DH really got frustrated with people asking at family parties, so he started telling people that we don't want kids. People thought we were joking at first, but it's been over a year since he's started his party line, so I think at this point people think we are serious. Bright side: no one has asked us any of these questions in quite some time.

AlohaKumu · March 2017

If someone is being really rude or pushy with the questions, I tend to overshare because that shuts people up right away. "Oh, we'd love to be pregnant right now, but with that microdeletion on his Y chromosome, we're going to have to harvest the semen straight from his testicles!" I had a pushy X-ray tech this weekend that I had to drop that on because she would not shut up about the possibility about me being pregnant, even when I told her I definitely was not. (I forget who, but one of the wonderful ladies on the board said the term "cervical mucus" is generally a magic phrase to make people leave you alone.)

If you feel that the baby shower is going to be too difficult to stomach--even for a close friend--I agree that I would say I wasn't feeling well and offer to take her to brunch soon.

*grammar edit

[Deleted User] · March 2017

These situations are tough. It's funny tho, the one I have been invited to since we've been ttc, I actually did want to go - i think it was actually my first one ever! Lol and then I had a legit singing thing at Church I couldn't get out of. Doh! But ff and we have a family party coming up this weekend I'm kind of dreading bc of all those same questions. I feel weird now about even holding the baby! Like do I try to treat the baby like any other person there? like "oh, hey D! You're looking cute. ...So who's hungry??" or just play cool like, " do *I* wanna hold the baby? Oh sure, ya I guess so..." but really I just want to take him home! :D lol I didn't get to hold him once at Xmas and I'm still kinda pissed about that, like I'm a grownass woman. I'm not going to beg to hold a dang baby. Whatever. I know it's a different scene, but it all just comes with so much awkwardness, and brings so many feelings to the surface if we're not careful. It's hard. I usually say the generic, "we'll see" or, "maybe someday" type of comments... :/ GL

*omg the typos lol

caseyw8784 · March 2017

@J1006 - that's my DH's party line also for family events! "Hate kids, don't want 'em!" His family can be kind of stupid though...when he says it, it shuts them up right away, but then they always ask again at the next event...they don't seem to learn...

kaseycoco · March 2017

Thank you all SO much for your replies! I feel obligated to go at this point since I already RSVP'ed yes, I wish I'd thought earlier to ask her to do a brunch on the side

@funkykey I like the idea of taking note of things I can snag from my friend once I finally have a baby! It's a good way to objectively look at all the baby things that I otherwise would have found to be painful little reminders.
daisy222-2 I actually do have another family engagement that evening that I have to prepare for, so thankfully I have a legit excuse to get out if/when I need to!
@greenhillgirl I will definitely have a cocktail (or three) to

@J1006 I'm also a teacher and can't believe a parent chased after you to ask you that! How tasteless! I think your response was totally justified.
@AlohaKumu I love your bold response, I will keep the phrase "cervical mucus" in my back pocket and be ready to use it in an emergency

@BusinessWife I know what you mean about holding a family member's baby. Sometimes I want to squeeze them so tight and run away with the baby, but sometimes it's a painful reminder of what I don't have.

But thanks to each and every one of you. It's so nice to have all the support and I feel much better now about going.

katherind · March 2017

@kaseycoco I'm with you there. I should have done the same with a friend's shower today. Stupid me, I did a hpt this morning completely forgetting I had to go to a shower this afternoon. My hpt showed negative (still early, but discouraging) then I spent the afternoon around kids of all ages, including a newborn, & a pregnant momma. Talk about testing my emotions. I should have just said I was sick and taken a rein check.

kaseycoco · March 2017

@katherind ugh sorry that happened to you, it's never easy!

MariaBend25 · April 2017

If you go and get asked by a well meaning but oblivious person you can always say a simple, oh I'm just so excited for (friends name) to have her baby!!
Thats a nice way to change subject and focus on the true recipient of the spotlight so it also won't seem like putting off their question.

if it is someone continuing to pry just use the, im sorry but how I grew up I don't discuss private personal matters. Make me feel a little bad without being too rude.

If someone is being rude and is of childbearing age ask, who cares about me...when are you due!? And place your hand on their belly with pretend excitement. But that's just for someone who you don't care about.

FuzzyDust · April 2017

MariaBend25 said:

If someone is being rude and is of childbearing age ask, who cares about me...when are you due!? And place your hand on their belly with pretend excitement. But that's just for someone who you don't care about.

LOL, I keep imagining that "someone" being a man

kaseycoco · April 2017

@mariabend25 and
@FuzzyDust lol to both of those! I did go and it ended up being OK. There were moments when the baby talk made me sad. Thankfully the worst thing someone said was, "you're next!" which wasn't even that bad. But I was glad to have all the advice under my belt, and it always helps for those future awkward conversations.

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