Need Advice, DH won't stop making post-baby plans

burnshj · March 2017

I'm 38w6d, FTM getting induced next Monday.
DH has been decently supportive during my pregnancy, but for the past month he has been trying to make plans to do stuff with his friends during LO's first month. (i.e. he is in a cornhole league and wants to start going back to weekly tourneys the week after LO is born, among other things.)

I've told him that I'd prefer it if he tried to stay home and be supportive of me, and that him already making plans to go out and do stuff when the baby is a week or two old seems a little selfish when I'm the one who will be home with the baby 24/7 for a month.

He keeps bringing it up, saying that he reads articles saying that we both need time to ourselves. I told him I agree that we need time, but the first month is a little soon to be thinking about that.

Am I being unreasonable to ask that he put off plans that soon? I mean, the baby isn't even here yet! IMO he should be concentrating on the baby, not trying to get away from the baby before it's even here.

wintersong · March 2017

I would say for the first week yes, because you really shouldn't be by yourself for the first week. Hemhorages (spelling?) are real and can happen days after you think you're in the clear.

After that it's totally what you feel comfortable with. As you feel uncomfortable, I think a direct conversation is in order.

Is he able to take time off work to help at all? If so I'd feel better about the corn hole thing personally.

mtmama2 · March 2017

I think if he is talking about wanting to get out of the house for one hour per week that that isn't unreasonable at all. If it becomes something more frequent and you start feeling overwhelmed being alone with the baby so much then it is time to have a serious talk with him.

KellyT22 · March 2017

He might not want to leave the baby when it's actually here. All these things that were so important to him before baby will probably be out in a different perspective after he sees your tiny person and feels all the love.

Burrberrymum · March 2017

How long are the tourneys? If it's a couple hours once a week it might even be nice to have some alone time with the baby, to nap, have lazy movie time cuddles etc.. I do completely understand the feeling though, my SO is a goalie and plays hockey weekly. I was a little annoyed when he left to play and I'm stuck wrangling 3yo. Have you discussed your concerns with him leaving weekly for the tourneys? Is there anyone that can come help out when he leaves? Like said above he might change his mind when the time comes.

RunBooRun · March 2017

I agree that he should have some time to himself, but it really needs to be limited at first so that you're not stuck being the sole caretaker all the time. He needs to make sure you have some time too (even if you don't leave the house, just having a little time where he's on baby duty and you can do something else in another room).

First month, I would ask that he not make any concrete plans. Like have his friends check in with him that day to see if he's going to come. That way, he doesn't feel like he has to go because he made a commitment, but he could still go if you both agree that its ok that day.

saraeric · March 2017

I would be a little upset too. I had some postpartum issues after my son was born and after being home with him all day, I really needed that break in the evenings when DH was home. You have no idea how your hormones/body will be postbirth (or the temperment of baby for that matter) and I'd just communicate that you have some concerns. It is exhausting during those first few weeks. Like others have said, I'd ask him not to make any concrete plans and just go day by day. He might be singing a different tune after baby is born. I know it didn't really hit DH until DS was here and he could physically hold him. He was always supportive during the pregnancy but it didn't feel real until after DS was born.

kjd291 · March 2017

DH is part of a fraternity. He usually goes 2-4x a month for meetings, community service events, etc. He's not very happy about it, but I told him the first month was a no-go for him leaving me alone.

Personally this is because I have two and do not want to do a full day by myself. Especially bedtime with my toddler. When I had just one-I was fine with him going out because baby and I would just chill on the couch with Netflix.

My advice would be to say no to plans for the first month for now-your clearly stressing about it and want to feel supported! Once baby is here he may feel differently as others have said/but YOU may also feel differently about it! So set his expectations low now for going out-but tell him you can both revisit it once baby arrives

Gators&BoSox · March 2017

@kjd291 is it the masons bc if so we really are the same person lol

@burnshj i agree with everyone above in that DH shouldn't make any concrete plans but that you guys should play it by ear and see how everything pans out. hopefully he isn't too stubborn and like everyone else mentioned, once baby is here he may have a change of heart anyways

kjd291 · March 2017

@Gators&BoSox NUH UH!?! Yes-it is the masons! You've got to be kidding me. Hahah.

Gators&BoSox · March 2017

lol he belongs to framinghams lodge... sorry guys didn't mean to veer the thread off course

kjd291 · March 2017

Gators&BoSox said:

lol he belongs to framinghams lodge... sorry guys didn't mean to veer the thread off course

Haha. We're good at that

I'll send you a private message!

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