Recent lurker tw loss mentioned tw

ramzlau · March 2017

Hey! Been lurking here for a few weeks, thinking maybe it was time to get some support from others in the process.

DH and I have been married 5 years, a few years into marriage we were NTNP *tw and experienced a CP tw*. Took a 4 month break from the process and went back to NTNP for 12 months. We then decided to be more intentional and moved onto temping, opks, times intercourse, changing diets and lifestyle habits for 9 months. Then it was onto testing (hsg, semen analysis, etc), meeting with fertility specialist, trigger shots, and progesterone for 3 months. Doctor has said we officially fall into the unexplained category. We are now back into the intentional TTC; trying to take a step back from the tests and medication (month 3 of this) and focus on reducing stress and taking care of ourselves. Next step is Clomid but doctor is concerned about multiples.

We are thankful for our health, but I feel like we are in an endless cycle of making decisions that seem like shot in the dark. For those of you in the unexplained category what has been the best resources? We don't have infertility insurance so I am trying to balance cost with all of this.

Also, how do you respond to the phrase "once we stopped trying to get pregnant it just happened"? I get it at least once a week, it makes me feel like such a failure after years of trying.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Welcome! I pretty much don't talk to anyone about our IF. Most people wouldn't understand anyway, and I've had to guard my heart. I don't know who these people are that are saying this to you so regularly? But for me I just had to be super-private about it. It's kind of eating me up inside, but I do have a couple dear friends I've confided in, and for me I just dont feel like it's time to share/put that burden onto our families when they've already got enough going on. When family members do make those kind of "harmless" or "cutesey" comments, <b>I mostly just laugh super-awkardly and change the subject</b>. If people were to ask me when we were going to have kids, I have usually said something along the lines of, "well it's not entirely up to us, now is it? ;)" or "we just have to be patient" or "He's got perfect timing, doesn't He? (meaning The Lord)" etc. Just depending on who I'm talking to.... but you could always think about a clever comeback that woukd work for you if you find yourself in that situation often enough. A good zinger oughtta shut people up ;)

funkykey · March 2017

@RamzLau1 - Ugh, I'm sorry for your troubles, and hope you can find support here.

I'm curious - why were you put on progesterone when you were unexplained? When you say you took a step back from the medication, was the medication just progesterone supplements and trigger shots?

We are unexplained too, though I have decided to proceed with treatments. We've done clomid 3 times, 2 IUIs, and we're about to do another round of clomid + IUI, and then we'll move on to IVF if this last IUI doesn't work. I'm 32, and I'm tired of waiting - I want a family, so I want to be pro-active. For me, moving forward with the treatments makes me feel like I'm giving the future I want my best shot.

Being unexplained is its own kind of purgatory. It's like you look healthy, everyone tells you "everything looks great", but then your body is not working the way you want it to, and no one can tell you why. Recently, I thought about applying for new health insurance, and realized I'd be rejected - like, as I went through the application, I realized I'd be more likely to be rejected than someone with a diagnosed health issue. With a diagnosed health issue, they can estimate what the treatments will cost, or they can limit what they cover - whereas for us, there's this big question mark that insurers don't like. I look healthy, and I screen healthy, but I'm not - I have a problem that science hasn't managed to label yet. At least, that's how I see unexplained IF. You said you are thankful for your health - I don't feel that way. I mean, I'm thankful for the parts of me that work, but I'm frustrated that this one part of me is not working, and that I can't tell which one. I see all IF as a medical condition, and unexplained IF as a reflection of the limitations of science - and evidence that we really do not know a lot about the human body.

Maybe because I see it this way, I find that comment: "once we stopped trying to get pregnant it just happened" offensive. I know oftentimes the people who say it are well-meaning, but when you really think about it, it's pretty ignorant. My husband is actually in scientific research - he works at a laboratory - and many of our friends are medical professionals, so we don't get comments like that a lot. But when we do, or when people tell me ridiculous things like: "just relax - stress causes inflammation, and inflammation is probably affecting your fertility" - I always say something, and I always follow it up with a comment about science - because what the person has said to me is not based in fact! Medical decisions and treatment plans should be based in hard, proven evidence. The last time someone made a comment like that to me, I said: "You know, there's actually no link between stress and infertility except that infertility causes stress."

I also like to make comments like: "Hope alone is not a treatment plan. What do you think is more likely to be successful - what my doctor has recommended that I do, or just me wishing on a star?" It's pointed, but I think it makes my point.

It helps that I've spent many hours laughing with my sister and best friend, both of whom are doctors, about the comments people have made to me. It's pretty shocking, the things people say to infertile women, and the attitudes some people have about this. We're dealing with a medical condition - it doesn't mean there's something wrong with us, or we're morally flawed, or we're somehow marked - we're just trying to solve a problem, and to make our reproductive system work. You are not a failure, you're just trying to find out what's going on with the plumbing.

Good luck!

[Deleted User] · March 2017

Omg that reminds me when we were still earlier in ttc a "friend" of mine,

****TW**** assault, accidental pgcy

<div class="Spoiler">when I was venting about how "easily" I got ku after being assaulted, but we had to be so "patient" to conceive with my own <i>husband</i>, she</div>
actually said to me in a nutshell (via text), "well, you were chubbier then, and you didn't worry so much."

Wut? Uhm no.... sometimes there is an actual medical reason. Such as in our case, for example. "Just relax and have a cheeseburger," is not helpful advice.

I didn't speak to her for several weeks after that. Big misunderstanding. Mmm hmmm. Right.
*typos

funkykey · March 2017

OMG @BusinessWife - that is horrific. What a f*cking bitch!

Someone had the gall to ask me once (when I told them it wasn't so easy for us to get pregnant) if I'd read up on how diet could affect fertility? Keep in mind - I exercise regularly, eat a lot of "superfoods" and salads, take a prenatal vitamin, etc. Not that that matters, but still.

I was like: "Um, I don't think that's the case here. I'm a pretty healthy eater." I did not say what I was really thinking, which was: "I hope you get cancer and treat it with kale."

I know - a harsh thought to have. Obviously, a mental overreaction - and I certainly don't actually wish it on her. But still - I could not believe it! Like, THINK - use your head and choose kindness and decency and compassion for those dealing with health troubles.

Some people!

ramzlau · March 2017

@BusinessWife thanks for the advice and encouragement! That is crazy what your "friend" said, I really don't think people understand the emotions of ttc.

@funkykey I like your perspective on it all! My doctor put me on progesterone because of my early miscarriage, she thought that it may have been a factor, and she has the point of view that the benefits of it outweighs the side effects. The medication I was taking was just the trigger shots and progesterone, as well as cabergoline for slightly elevated prolactin levels (although I have continued taking this despite not continuing with the others), my follicles all measured 18-20 during the 3 months that we were triggering so they didn't think the elevated prolactin was effecting my egg development. Clomid is the next step for medications/treatments for us, that is what I was referring more to when I said a step back. I am 33 so I understand your feeling of wanting to be as proacitve as possible. It sounds like you have done your research on all of the science of this, maybe that is part of the reason I feel a bit lost in this process.

rms924 · March 2017

Ramz, welcome! I recently outed my lurker self too

There's nothing worse than when people point out the obvious: "oh, do you take a prenatal? are you eating healthy"? UGH. Thanks captain obvious. I had one person tell me we should have more sex. And then I got really angry!

Again, this may fall into the obvious category as I am sure you've done this, but thought it was worth mentioning. I am 34 and have a very low amh level (.2). Usually low amh points to DOR but my other testing haven't fully supported the diagnosis.

*TW*
Apparently w an AMH at the level, getting pg is supposed to be harder but I have the repeated losses issue. I am back working with the RE to get to the bottom of it*TW*

Anyway, I am sharing this bc it's a simple blood test + u/s. PS. my amh level FLOORED my ob. I workout a ton, look super fit and I am told that I look like I am in my 20's. But I have the ovaries of someone who is much older. Such is life.

I hope you get some answers soon.

Irisheyes81 · March 2017

@RamzLau1 Welcome! Sounds like you've been through a lot already and can help and hopefully find support here. When people say things like that to me, I start to overshare. I find that it makes them feel really uncomfortable and teaches people not only to stop asking me but stop asking everyone. A public service if you will. Five straight minutes of talking about uterine lining and they tend to back off. It's not a casual conversation. In fact, it's about as personal as it gets. One time, I said, I think my hormone imbalance causes thick cervical mucus, what does your cervical mucus look like? That stopped them dead haha.

@BusinessWife and @funkykey Your "friends" sounds awful! People don't get it. A "friend" of mine said, "you just need to gain 10 lbs and you'll be pregnant." Oh wow! I'm so glad I spend at least $500 per month for painful and invasive fertility treatments and you had the answer the whole time! Um first of all I didn't ask, second, are you a doctor? and 3rd um actually I have a complex endocrine syndrome that effects about every body function I have but thanks for the "advice"

@rms924 "you should have more sex" WHAT! I can't believe someone said that to you.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

@irisheyes81 said:
<div class=" Quote"><span>Five straight minutes of talking about uterine lining and they tend to back off. </span></div>
Ded.

ramzlau · March 2017

@rms924 welcome to the board too then! I did have my amh levels checked with my first round of blood tests, it came back within the normal range, so that box is checked, but thanks for sharing! I feel like there are so many things it could be it is always good to double check what has been done already. I can't believe someone told you to gain 10 lbs!

@Irisheyes81 your post made me laugh, I have only done the frankly honest a few times. The first time it was with my mom before I had told her everything we were going through and she asked when she was going to get more grand babies, I said well we are doing everything we are supposed to, we were at a restaurant, it brought some comedy relief. The longer I am in this process, I feel the more public service announcements are going to happen.

funkykey · March 2017

@RamzLau1 - It sounds like you have done your research on all of the science of this, maybe that is part of the reason I feel a bit lost in this process.

Oh man. I mean, I hope you get pregnant next month, obviously, but if you don't and are here for a while... you will learn more than you ever wanted to learn about the reproductive system. Hahaha. You'll start saying things like: "My luteal phase was really short this month." Even my husband knows a lot of the acronyms now! Hahaha.

My family and everyone has been pretty good, but once several months ago my dad caught me on a bad day - maybe a CD1, and made a comment about how he wanted more grandkids, and I snapped. Like: "How 'bout you worry about being a good father to the daughters you have, rather than the grandkids you don't have."

I don't think he'd realized how hard we'd been trying, or how hard it was on me until I said that. Anyway, I haven't had ANY parental pressure since.

FuzzyDust · March 2017

When people say things like that to me, I start to overshare. I find that it makes them feel really uncomfortable and teaches people not only to stop asking me but stop asking everyone. A public service if you will. Five straight minutes of talking about uterine lining and they tend to back off. It's not a casual conversation. In fact, it's about as personal as it gets. One time, I said, I think my hormone imbalance causes thick cervical mucus, what does your cervical mucus look like? That stopped them dead haha.

LOL

I do a similar thing, maybe not to the same extent through

Irisheyes81 · March 2017

@funkykeyYou'll start saying things like: "My luteal phase was really short this month."

[Deleted User] · March 2017

<blockquote class="Quote">
<div class="QuoteAuthor"><a href="/profile/funkykey">funkykey</a> said:</div>
<div class="QuoteText">@RamzLau1 - <i>***snipped***</i>
My family and everyone has been pretty good, but once several months ago my dad caught me on a bad day - maybe a CD1, and made a comment about how he wanted more grandkids, and I snapped. Like: "How 'bout you worry about being a good father to the daughters you have, rather than the grandkids you don't have."

I don't think he'd realized how hard we'd been trying, or how hard it was on me until I said that. Anyway, I haven't had ANY parental pressure since.</div>
</blockquote>
Oh God! Poor guy :'( that's the thing, is they really do love us. I just don't think they have a clue how hard it can be. And they wouldnt if we arent sharing that with them. I have been thinking more and more lately about talking to our moms, or my mom... I dunno. But I know once the cat's out of the bag, that's it. No more cats. (That is how that saying goes, right? Lol)

funkykey · March 2017

@BusinessWife - it was super-weird, because I know my parents struggled to have me... I guess he just didn't realize we were struggling at all until I said it, like he hoped I wouldn't share that experience. He's been great since.

rms924 · March 2017

I should try the overshare! hahaha. Recently, I've been talking about my "geriatric eggs" and that tends to get a chuckle. Hahaha. I just imagine them hanging out saying "I just don't feel like making that long trip down this tube. My joints are achy."

I am cracking myself up by myself

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