Devastated - SO found old photos/videos of me and ex having sex.

Unknown 987 · September 2016

This will be long so please, bear with me. (FYI - I am 30 and my SO is 40 if that makes a diff)

Last night, my boyfriend of 1.5 years (and the father of my baby –due early next year) broke up with me. His reason – he found pictures/videos of me and my ex-boyfriend having sex.

Here is how everything happened: This past weekend my bf was trying to fix my old laptop. We needed to transfer some big files so we used my external hard drive that I brought from home. We couldn’t get the computer to work so we went to sleep and the next morning he woke up early and started working on it himself. From what he said, he hooked up the hard drive and tried to “find the file” he copied. While looking for the file, he “came across” a folder that contained pictures/videos of me and my ex.

NOW here is the story being me, my ex and the media: My ex and started dating when I was 21 (9 years ago). We were together for 5 years and the whole time, it was a long distance relationship. During that time, yes, I/he took pictures and send them over to each other. When we were together, we made a few “videos” so that when we goes back home (another country) he would have something for himself. I personally NEVER watched those videos because I honestly could not look at myself doing stuff (it would make me laugh and would be uncomfortable). We did that stuff in the beginning while we were “so in love” and affectionate with each other but the distance slowly changed that and the affection wasn’t there as much anymore so we didn’t do any of that anymore. Towards the end, I actually moved to another country to be with him but let’s just say it was not a good idea, no feelings were there (bf/gf or sexual) and I ended up coming back. Upon coming back, I deleted everything I knew of (all the “graphic” photos/videos) but not the vacation photos because I wanted to go through them on my own time, delete the ones with him and leave the ones of me by the landmarks, tourist spots etc ( I went to some cool countries and yes, of course I wanted memories of myself being there). So, as far as I knew…all the BAD stuff was deleted.

Here is the hard drive story: a few years ago my desktop crashed and I had someone come out to fix it. Since that computer has thousands of pictures of my family, vacations, pets, parties etc., I got the hard drive so that I could put everything on there and make sure I never lose it (if the computer crashes again. FYI there were no bad pictures on the “family desktop”). I also had a laptop which hasn’t been sued for a long time because the cord didn’t work, so recently I ordered a cord online, fired up that machine and transferred EVERY single folder/picture that was on that computer onto the hard drive. I didn’t bother going through hundreds and hundreds of pictures because I didn’t have time. There were vacation pictures with my ex, random photos of trips, family … everything. Anyway, I moved it all to the hard drive thinking ONE DAY when I have time I will go through the THOUSANDSSSSS of photos (ranging from 2005 until now) and organize them.

It never, ever crossed my mind that there might be any of those “bad” pictures/videos on that old laptop because I was SO sure everything was deleted when we broke up! I swear I never thought anything was left. But I guess I was very wrong!

BACK TO WHERE WE ARE TODAY: So my bf, being the nice guy that he is, tried to fix other old laptop (clean as a whistle) and used the hard drive to transfer huge files. He found the pictures/videos of me and my ex. I guess he sat there in the morning and watched those videos and looked through the pictures. I woke up and already saw his attitude towards me was different and had no idea why! Also that day I was so emotional and hormonal (pregnant) and cried that he is being cold and mean, napped for two or so hours and then went to my mom’s house.

The next day (yesterday) he didn’t write me and didn’t contact me at all so I wrote him. He was MAD! I had no idea why! He wrote me he doesn’t even want to think about me, he can’t stand talking to me, he is disgusted with me and couldn’t wait for me to go home the night before. I honestly thought “OMG, he found someone else!” or “OMG, what if for some stupid reason he thinks I am cheating on him??” But then later when he came by after work to talk, he told me why he was feeling the way he was feeling. He told me about the stuff he saw, what I did on those videos (nothing bad – it was normal sex. Normal, healthy, two people who are serious about each other and having sex). He got into details about everything – making me feel SO embarrassed! He said he doesn’t want ANYTHING to do with me, that he is disgusted with me and that he will do whatever he has to do and will move back to him home state (used to live somewhere else before I met him). I apologized that I NEVER thought that stuff could be on that drive and that I never ever looked at that stuff. I have NO CONTACT whatsoever with my ex, those pictures/videos were taken when I was 21 and stupid, immature and didn’t think! I told him that even though it’s not visual things, I sometimes think of him having sex with his ex (wife who he has 3 kids with!) and while she is around us. They are in a “good” relationship because of the kids and I get that. He had a few drinks later and texted me that now he knows why I like this and that in bed and where I learned it. Umm, hello!!! He wasn’t a virgin when I met him, I wasn’t the first person he was with…. He got his moves somewhere too right?

So yes, I DID do stuff with my ex, I had a normal life, a sex life, I was not a virgin when he met me (and he damn well knew that!) Whatever was on that drive was never meant to be for anyone’s eyes except me and my ex! I SWEAR I thought it was all gone. I am embarrassed and ashamed he found it and saw it. I know it must be hard to get those imagines out of his head but I did not know it was there!! I NEVER met with anyone or talked to other met since I met my boyfriend. He was and IS the only one for me. Just because stuff happened before, it does not make me a bad person, it does not change how I feel about him …. It doesn’t change me. That stuff was from 8-9 years ago. Yes, my fault i didn't delete it but I didn't go through hundreds of folders to organize thousands of random photos. EVERYONE has their past and unfortunately, he got a glimpse of mine.

Now, here I am, 5 months pregnant and he left me. I was told to stop by the house today, get all my stuff, leave the key and GO.

Everyone…. Am I wrong for thinking he should get over it (even though it is hard)? Is he right for leaving me? I mean, I never ever ever thought that stuff was on there, I have no feelings for my ex, I didn’t leave that on there to “watch” (as he says). EVERYONE has a past, everyone has baggage. It’s not like he and his ex wife said the rosary in bed. The time I was with my ex, he was in bed with his wife making babies….Again, we ALL have a past and a lot of times we are not proud of it. We all make stupid decisions and sometimes have to pay the price for it. I love him and want to be with him. And we are having a BABY next year! I want to get some advice on what to do. I am completely devastated =(

JadedNoodles · September 2016

I would confront him and see if it's just the photos and videos he has an issue with. It's your past and it's not like you're holding on to those with sentiment, obviously since you've moved on. Seems like there's something more. He has a kid on the way with you and gives up a family over some photos?! Come on. There's got to be something else. Maybe running from being scared to be a father as well? I would try to see what it is because if he leaves you pregnant over photos, he's throwing away a LOT and he can be putting himself in a worse situation as well since he'd have to go to court regarding child support and visitation.

MamaD233 · September 2016

Man that sucks! I hope it is just the shock making him act that way and he comes back to his senses after he calms down. If he really loves you, hopefully he can put it back in the past where it belongs, as you said though it won't be easy. Men being stereotypically visual creatures, I'm sure it probably hits hard to see your woman in the act with another man. Probably raises all kind of questions and insecurities, hence the lashing out about what you learned where.

But since he is computer savvy, he should have checked the time stamps and realized these are old and let's pray maturity kicks in sooner than later.

3JTMom · September 2016

I am sorry. It is hard to be put in this position while pregnant. I am wondering along with the PP, why your BF is so quick to make a judgement and push you out. Is there something else going on? If you have told him the truth and tried to help him understand that not deleting is an oversight not intentional, why would he not want to listen, especially if there is a LO on the way. Can you talk to him? Can you find someone who will help you and he work through this struggle? I am sorry. Hugs mama

SaphireSweetie88 · September 2016

I am sorry to hear you're going through this. I would sit and talk with him face to face and see what's really going on. Seems to me like it might be more than him getting a personal look into your past with your ex.

virginiaunicorn11 · September 2016

So he took the opportunity to sort through your computer files, proactively watch your old sex tapes, and now he is abandoning and kicking out his pregnant girlfriend? The "you disgust me" line enrages me. That's controlling male bullshit, sorrynotsorry.
If he's an otherwise great guy, I'd try to get him to go to a therapist with you to move past this. If you're otherwise not sure about him, he sounds like an ass. Also, I'm not sure why YOU have to move out, if HE wants to leave.
Sounds like he's being controlling and immature. You've done nothing wrong, and I sure as hell wouldn't be apologizing. Working to reconcile, yes - but not apologizing.
Good luck, hope he gets his act together and learns not to snoop.

mothernorth · December 2016

Did you ever manage to reconcile?

neludelu · December 2016

Sounds like there is more to the story or this guy is douche.

onechoctawgirl · December 2016

neludelu said:

Sounds like there is more to the story or this guy is douche.

I agree. I get the initial bad reaction. If I found my husband had an old sex video of an ex I probably would have freaked out, thought for sure he kept it on purpose, had to have known it was there, etc. But I definitely would have heard him out, possibly sulked a bit, then realised I couldn't destroy our relationship over such a thing, and that it sounded like an honest mistake. The fact that OPs boyfriend still wants to end things days later, after being told the fact makes me wonder if he was looking for an excuse, or if maybe he is going through some sort of unrelated mental issues. He didn't find a video where he learned she was killing puppies in the past, or even a video where he learned she had had sex in the past, it was simply him learning the details... something most don't want to know but still... a day or two later a rational person should realise that is all this is. An unfortunate, embarrassing accident.

jsandra_juarez · March 2017

I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go though all of this. Personally I think you did NOTHING wrong! I really hope you guys managed to work things out and that he understands that's the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. I'm not saying he's a bad guy for having kids but c'mon he has 3 kids with his ex and you don't and now he finds this and thinks you're "bad" for doing that!?! I hope y'all worked things out just because from what it seams you love him and he is also the father of your baby! Good luck

coronet440 · April 2024

Unless you told you current boyfriend that you were a virgin when you met him, I guess he should just get over it. People do stupid stuff sometimes (like homemade porn). My husband has met a guy I had sex with (class reunion, old high school boyfriend -- didn't have sex until after graduation, but still, we did have sex), and he was cool about it. Why shouldn't he be? He knew I had gotten my share in my early college days, I never tried to hide that I had a history.

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