How to Deal w/ Pregnancy Announcements

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

I just got out of the shower to another "pregnancy announcement" text from a friend. Not a close friend, but still. Pretty much I expect them from all my married friends at any given time. This friend in particular I remember her saying she wanted to wait a couple of years...travel, whatever. Obviously not. I sit here with two embryos inside me hoping sooooo much that I will be on the other side soon, but nonetheless I cannot help but be frustrated every time. NONE of my friends have had ANY issues getting pregnant. It's like, "get married," "wait as long as we feel like it," "get pregnant at drop of hat." I know everyone in here faces this too, and I am just looking to vent/ commiserate/ discuss how everyone copes. I'll answer her in a bit...but I am really not good at being fake (thank god it's a text.) I don't even go to baby showers lately because it's not worth trying to pretend.

MMD1986 · March 2017

I know its hard and something we all face. I just try to be happy for them. I had three announcements pop up this week on facebook. I had myself a little cry and then forced myself to be happy for the couples. I don't want anyone to have to go through what we all are going through.

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

@MMD1986 -You have a nicer attitude about it than me

I have an actual hard time being happy for other couples

JamieH2000 · March 2017

I am also at a similar age/point, where not only is everyone getting pregnant, its also superrrr easy for them. While I wouldn't wish IF on anyone ever, I hear you. The announcements are just a reminder of what we are all trying so hard to achieve. My best days are when I can put this out of my mind and be happy with the rest of my life, and when you see the announcements you can't help but thinking of your own struggles too. The longer this journey has gotten for me.. the less I am able to be around children and pregnant ladies. Some have told me it does get easier eventually... but I am not there yet. I have become pretty anti social lately... just too much energy to be fake when I am going thru a hard time. I am hoping this passes soon for all of us. One thing is for sure- going thru this makes us all so much more empathetic and compassionate I think, not just for IF, but for other struggles too I think.

FuzzyDust · March 2017

When I manage to become pregnant, I want to be able to tell others too, and have them be happy for me, regardless of how much effort it took me.

@LoveDontCostAThing, I don't think having hard time feeling happy for others means bad attitude from you. We're all going through quite an intense physical and emotional experience, and it's hard for some other people to relate because of how easy it comes to them. Just keep sending loving thoughts to the little embryos inside you. You don't own anyone a response to their announcements until you're emotionally ready.

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

@JamieH2000 -I feel the same way in all you said...especially in saying the longer this journey becomes, the less I want to be around pregnant people. I am a teacher so I cannot avoid kids lol. I'm pretty anti-social lately too. My husband mentions sometimes that I don't see/ talk to my friends much at all lately. I don't know...I'm okay with that right now. I responded to my friend and now she is trying to make small talk, asking how I am. I really don't want to delve into "how I am" with her.

@FuzzyDust -Thank you for not thinking my attitude is bad

Sometimes I feel like it is towards others. You're right that I don't owe anyone responses. It's hard because most of my friends know that I would be doing IVF, but I didn't elaborate to anyone except a couple people. So they don't know the extent of it all, but ohh well. I guess if I lose some friends through this then I do

JamieH2000 · March 2017

@LoveDontCostAThing- Glad to know I am not alone in my anti -socialness

I really hope you can try to focus on relaxing and staying positive in this tww! I know its hard after failures, but so many people had success on the third or later try!! Thinking of you!

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

@JamieH2000 -you're definitely not alone!!! Thank you...I will try to be positive...yes, it is hard after failures...ugh.

FuzzyDust · March 2017

good to know I'm not the only one who turned into a hermit during IVF

Staying home, obsessing over statistics on the internet...

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

@FuzzyDust -yessss google is the devil!!!

funkykey · March 2017

@LoveDontCostAThing - ugh. Some days, it's not so hard - but once-in-a-while it hits me. There have been 3-4 announcements that have been like kicks in the pants. I try to take a few breaths, maybe confide in my H or my sister, and then text the person back and tell them how thrilled I am for them, etc. I figure, even though I don't feel thrilled in the moment, once all this is passed, I'm sure I will be happy for them.

I'm lucky too because the people I'm closest to don't expect me to be really happy about their babies. Even if I haven't told them, I think most suspect we are having trouble, so they know I'm not the best person for the head cheerleader job.

I know what you mean, though - none of my friends have had any issues getting pregnant, and I'm finding it hard to relate to them. It's not that I wish IF on them, or that I want special recognition for our struggles, but sometimes it's hard for me to listen to them plan their lives so peacefully, like they're so unafraid that something terrible will happen. I just don't feel like we have that much in common right now - and I also don't have the energy to be a good friend. I too have become anti-social - right now, I really am just trying to get through each day, and to keep my sanity.

My hope is that when I'm through this, I won't feel this way anymore. I remind myself frequently that life is long: we will all have struggles, every one of us. Friends will get divorced or lose their jobs, declare bankruptcy - or even worse, someone will have breast cancer, someone will watch their mother and sister die of terrible diseases, someone's child will get sick. I know that's a dark thing to say, but it's the truth: life is full of suffering.

Maybe my friends don't know what it's like to be IF, but they probably will eventually encounter a very difficult time. And when they do, if they want to be a little bit isolated, or if they need to take time, I will understand. I hope I can give them as much space and grace as they've given me.

FX for your 2 little ems!

I hope you get through this dark time very, very soon!

FuzzyDust · March 2017

@funkykey - beautifully said. Thank you for this.

dragonette505 · March 2017

LoveDontCostAThing I sometimes cant even watch baby food commercials, so yeah... I feel you
major TW* a year and a half ago I was newly pg and at a good friends baby shower... a couple weeks later I mc'ed. I am grateful I never said anything (about being pg), but I had all these nice thoughts of our babies being close in age and now all I see are her babies milestones.... I cant tell you how conflicting it can be to literally have to set your FB to "less of" your good friend, but I do what I have to in order to stay sane... you do what you need to and don't feel bad... we are all just out here trying to get through this. There's no right way to feel. Sending you many hugs.

FuzzyDust I love what you said about not owing anyone a response....

funkykey well said

FuzzyDust · March 2017

*TW loss mentioned*
As I was going through my IVF, I reached out to a friend who I was suspecting was pregnant. I felt a slight jealousy of her getting pregnant after only trying for 3 months, but I was also very curious if she's indeed expecting.
I found out that she was, but she had a m/c a week earlier at 12w.
It was a real eye opener for me. It's like a newly found motivation to be happy for others who successfully have babies, even if they barely try. Life is such a finicky and fast-changing affair, and you never know what struggles can hit other people any moment of the way. The pain I felt for her loss was way worse than the tiny jealousy I felt before.

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

Thank you everyone for your awesome responses

This community is so great in helping us all not feel so alone.

@funkykey -your response was perfect and so on point with how I feel. This especially: "I just don't feel like we have that much in common right now - and I also don't have the energy to be a good friend." Yes, yes, and yes. I find it draining to answer the, "how are you and DH doing?" texts. I feel like it's dumb small talk with good friends who suddenly feel so distant to me. I don't want to hear about their babies or pregnancies...so it's useless to "chat." I can't directly tell them that, of course.

klpangrcic · March 2017

I work in a high school with an excessively high teen pregnancy rate. One of my students just announced that he is expecting a baby with his girlfriend and my heart just broke. I'm a financially stable, very happily married woman that can't get pregnant but a 15 year old that doesn't have any direction in life gets pregnant at the drop of a hat.

How do I deal with other pregnancy announcements? I protect myself from them. I deleted facebook and only look when I want to see pictures of my niece and nephews. I haven't been to many baby showers but that's because I live far enough away that it wouldn't be possible to attend. I punch a pillow when I do see one and then I move forward. I keep reminding myself this is NOT a competition. Just because one person gets pregnant does not affect my chances of conceiving. Overall, I give myself at least one day to grieve every month and just cry and cry. The second day I can be quiet and upset, but I try to limit my tears. The third day I get my ass off the couch and continue with my life.

I hope this helps a little bit

funkykey · March 2017

@klpangrcic - "I keep reminding myself this is NOT a competition. Just because one person gets pregnant does not affect my chances of conceiving."

You're right, of course, but I was just saying in another thread how much I wish it were a competition sometimes... Because then I think we'd get a baby before those pregnant teenagers.

Hahaha!

notamyrtle · March 2017

Totally with y'all. At the start of this journey, I would beat myself up over my wanting to avoid babies and pregnancy announcements and baby showers and all that... Now I just give in to the desire to avoid. I hope that when all is said and done, even if I didn't get the happy ending I wanted, I'd be able to resume these friendships... but who really knows actually. Just trying to focus on accepting that this is what my life is right now, and I need to do what I need to do to get through it (including deleting Facebook, avoiding certain people, and so on).

mc4dj13 · March 2017

My first reaction is to always be happy for people, and then I think "when will it be my turn?" I never get upset or sad because I know that any child is a blessing - if it's your first or your 8th.

What does annoy me is the way people choose to announce. Over the years, the creativity of the announcement itself has gotten more obnoxious. People are competing and trying to one-up each other. They should be focusing on the new life they are creating but instead are going for the shock value of their big news. I am constantly amazed as to what people think are "tasteful" announcements. Maybe I am just old fashioned...but that is what makes me not want to look at IG or FB anymore.

Amen for venting!!

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

Amen for venting is right! This is all so hard. I just don't want to meet my friend's babies at this time in my life. It sounds mean, but I'm not in the place to be happy for them. At least not yet.

mc4dj13 · March 2017

@LoveDontCostAThing

It is very brave of you to be honest with yourself and admit that certain visits/interactions are not helpful to you right now.

Good luck with your two week wait

sending love and baby dust

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

@mc4dj13 -thank you

hopefully I get lucky soon...if not, I hope I don't lose too many friends

JuliaGoolia719 · March 2017

For the last 18 mos of the 2 yrs we have been trying (basically at the point we found out that the "issues" we had were not going to resolve themselves and this sh*t was going to get real) my reaction was pretty much to drink a bottle of wine and part way through (when I was just tipsy enough to sound happy for the friend but not so far over the edge that I'd cry on the phone) to call and say congratulations. Better option if it was a FB or text announcement and I can type a response out and then break out the vino asap.
One of my best friends (for the last 28 years, we met in kindergarten) got pregnant and "didn't even know for weeks because they hadn't even really been trying", that one was the worst. You're supposed to be happy for your best friends when good things happen, I was just so sad for me I could barely call her to say congratulations.
Oddly enough, once we started IVF and had a definite plan I've been a lot more relaxed about it. This is our first round of IVF/FET so maybe I'm filled with optimism that we'll be one of the couples that it works for on the first try, and if it doesn't I may go back to my (occasionally excessive) wine consumption coping mechanism.

FuzzyDust · March 2017

JuliaGoolia719 said:
Oddly enough, once we started IVF and had a definite plan I've been a lot more relaxed about it. This is our first round of IVF/FET so maybe I'm filled with optimism that we'll be one of the couples that it works for on the first try, and if it doesn't I may go back to my (occasionally excessive) wine consumption coping mechanism.

Lol

I think I'm in the same boat. Including the vino.

caseyw8784 · March 2017

FuzzyDust said:

JuliaGoolia719 said:
Oddly enough, once we started IVF and had a definite plan I've been a lot more relaxed about it. This is our first round of IVF/FET so maybe I'm filled with optimism that we'll be one of the couples that it works for on the first try, and if it doesn't I may go back to my (occasionally excessive) wine consumption coping mechanism.

Lol I think I'm in the same boat. Including the vino.

I'm in the same boat with the wine! Between my cousins and DH's cousins, we've had 5 pregnancies announced in the last 18 months. I found it hardest after we were diagnosed and that IVF was our only option - we hadn't been TTC for that long before that...and i reacted with more of an angry frustration since we were benched indefinitely. Once we actually started stims and had the ER a couple weeks ago, I was also much more relaxed and quasi-indifferent about the last 2 announcements, since i know that "my turn" will (hopefully) be soon! But with all of them, DH would hand me a glass or two of wine, and then had to coax me to reply and congratulate our cousins...lol

katherind · March 2017

@lovedontcostathing I feel your frustration. Our best friends have two daughters already. At their youngest daughter's 1st birthday last fall, they quietly announced to my husband and I that they were pregnant again with an "oops" baby that they were not planning on.

Usually pregnancy announcements never bothered me before, but we were undergoing fertility testing at the time and didn't have an answer about if treatment was an option for us yet.

Both my husband and I had an awful ride home that day. Almost in unison we said the same thing. How can it be so easy for others who didn't even want another child, but here we are having to go through treatment that's not even guaranteed to work?

I'm very happy for them now, but it was just an emotional time for us and they dropped that bomb that really didn't help. And yes, they knew all about our testing and fertility challenges.

JuliaGoolia719 · March 2017

@FuzzyDust and @caseyw8784 its a big boat with lots of wine, glad I'm not on board alone!

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

@katherind -ugh that sounds like my friend. DH and I were at our friends for New Years 2016, so right before we started fertility treatments, and my friend wasn't drinking. She's a big drinker, so I was like, "you're not pregnant, are you?" I was half joking because they had just gotten married. She was pregnant, and she said that she stopped her birth control the month before, figuring it would take forever, but happened right away. Then, she didn't know so proceeded to get wasted on her vacation every night...AH.

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