UO 3/16

awoodruff27 · March 2017

I didn't think this was unpopular, but a few people disagreed with me in a wives group I'm in. Since I don't have anything else this week, here it is.

When I'm at a public play area like a playground, I have no problem correcting a stranger's child if they are 1.doing something very unsafe or 2. Being physically or emotionally mean to my child. I obviously won't say anything if the parent steps in, but if I don't know who they belong too I will say something. I have also went and asked who "the girl in the blue shirt" belongs to because the kid kept hitting my 2 year old and the mom wasn't stepping in. If I was talking or paying attention to one of my other kids I would appreciate it if someone told me my child was acting badly.

ladylolly89 · March 2017

I don't know if this is unpopular or not, but I see it all.the.time. on Facebook and the Bump, so I'm guessing it is!
I HATE it when people spell "Mama" like "Momma". It doesn't even look/seem/feel like the same word, and I totally would correct it if someone I knew used that spelling in reference to me.

merrylea · March 2017

@ladylolly89 - I say it and spell it like momma. Both are correct.

Wino0920 · March 2017

@awoodruff27 I most likely would not. My kids need to learn to defend themselves and know what to do when I am not around. I always talk to them about situations like that and how to handle it. I can't fight their battles.

Now I would always jump on if they were the culprit. And I wouldn't be mad if someone had to correct them.

JAGinMI · March 2017

@awoodruff27 I agree with you and I hate when it happens. I get so mad at the parents. We were at an indoor water park this summer and there was this little girl that was sitting at the top of a slide, specifically to not allow kids to go down it. Just sitting there. She was probably 9, and mine were 3 and 5. Kids would walk up to it and she would tell them they couldn't go down. My daughter is pretty scrappy and she was kind of giving it to the little girl but the girl wouldn't budge. This is exactly the type of situation where a parent should step in, IMO. If your kid is being a little shit, it's your responsibility to teach your kid how to act. Doesn't mean I don't coach my kid on how to handle these situations but it's your responsibility to discipline your kid and if you don't handle it, I will. I let it go on for quite a bit to see if any of the kids could get her to move but then when it was apparent she wasn't going to move, I told her she was not being polite and she needed to go down the slide or go somewhere else, which finally moved her. Never figured out who the parent was because she wasn't going over to any adults and no one seemed to be paying attention to her.

EmeraldNC · March 2017

I won't always step in when on the playground with my child... but something like @JAGinMI described, I would. I likely would have said "this is not your slide, the rules are to go down the slide, not to sit on top of it" which is the teacher in me... you have to follow the "rules". If a child is hitting my child, then yes, I would step in. But, if they're just being a brat... I'll say to DD3 "We don't act like that, we are nice to our friends" and we will go to another part of the playground.

ladylolly89 · March 2017

merrylea said:

@ladylolly89 - I say it and spell it like momma. Both are correct.

I know it's correct, but I still hate it and think it looks dumb.

awoodruff27 · March 2017

@Wino0920 I agree that my kids need to learn to defend themselves. But I'm talking more the situations like @JAGinMI described. The situation that brought up the conversation was kids hitting and pushing at a local indoor play area. There are comfortable chairs so the parents can chat while the kids play. Which is fine, but when your kid repeatedly hits mine, even after us walking away, I will say something. A couple moms said they wouldn't go back because of badly behaving other children. That's why I said if another kid is acting so bad that it's making it so my child can't enjoy themselves how could I not say anything? The mom might have no idea her kid is acting that way, I mean she might get defensive but I don't see the harm in trying.

ellie111227 · March 2017

I think it depends on the situation, whether it is dangerous (like hitting) and whether there is a power differential (the child being a shit is significantly older then my child or it is an able-bodied child being a shit to my disabled brother). If it's a conflict between peers, I would let it go. They need to learn to advocate for themselves, but thru also need to know that I have their backs if they are being victimized.

My related uo is that I do not believe children need to share their toys most if the time. If my kid brought something to the playground, no one else has a right to use it unless she wants them to. Even if something is comunally owned, I think the kid who had it first gets to keep using it until they are finished (provided that is a reasonable amount of time, which it always is with toddlers who have short attention lol). I will teach them to be considerate, but also that they deserve respect and have a right to their belongings. I don't have to loan my friend my car every time they ask, so I'm not sure why another child wanting to use my daughter's toys should be any different. Now, if someone is over for a play date, that's different, and anything she doesn't want to share should be put away ahead of time. I'm talking more about kids on a playground or something. A lot if parents seem to believe that everything is up for grabs all the time in the name of "sharing."

Wino0920 · March 2017

@ellie111227 totally agree!!! Most of my friends use the rule that if another kid wants a toy being played with, we have to set a timer and then the other kid needs to give it up. Nope nope nope. I use the "sorry wait your turn no matter how long!" Approach! I feel the other way doesn't teach patience and teaches you, you get what you want when you want it.

Wino0920 · March 2017

And I can't stand being in the middle of every kid fight, like sharing. I feel like I have to be when I'm with other people. When my kids fight, I tell them to figure it out. When we are out, other kids are constantly "mom I want!" "Mom he is ...!" My kids know it is better to just work it out because if I get involved, they both lose.

ladylolly89 · March 2017

@ellie111227 I am with you on this one! DS is too young for me to have experienced this with him, but I did with my two youngest siblings. They are very close in age, but did not have to share their own toys or what they were playing with until they were finished with it. This was extremely unpopular at the playground and at church, but who cares. Like you said, it is showing respect to the child and teaching them that their possessions are not just up for grabs. It's ok to say no!

alm52386 · March 2017

I was at the library awhile ago with the little girl I babysit. She is 2 so she doesn't 100% understand sharing yet. An older girl (maybe 7 or 8?) wanted a toy she was playing with and AJ looked at me and I told her that she didn't have to give the toy to the older girl if she wasn't done playing with it. I told her she could say "I'm not done playing with it yet." And then she could give it to the girl when she was done. The mom of this girl wasn't paying attention to her at all and she was being super obnoxious to everyone. I don't know if it's just me being over protective but everytime we go somewhere with other kids I get so annoyed and think all the other kids are being jerks to "my" kid!!

meilay · March 2017

I don't have experience on the playground yet but I have spoken to a child I didn't know if I observed them being unsafe in public. For example, I was at an IKEA with my brother and while we were in the aisles where you actually grab the boxes of furniture, I observed a little boy (maybe 7?) climbing through the stacks of boxes as though it was an obstacle course. Boxes were sliding and falling as he climbed over/through them. This was horribly dangerous by itself but then his little sister (4?) was following him and trying to do it too. I couldn't see any parents (turns out mom was in the next aisle over) so I said to him "that's not safe and you can't play like that in here." The mom could've tried to be upset but I couldn't stand by without saying something, especially since I saw no parents in sight.

kdanjou · March 2017

@meilay WTH with that mom in IKEA?!!
I guess my UO could be that I believe you need to have eyes on your children at ALL TIMES when you are out at a store or playground or other public place. I am waaaay too scared of some random sicko stealing my kids to let them out of my sight for any length of time. Even when I used to take DD to playgroup when she was little and I knew all the moms and kids I never left the room and kept my eye on her always.

Wino0920 · March 2017

I was with my girlfriend at the zoo. We took my kids one day. A little boy decided to climb the fence and head for the polar bears, with a moat that couldn't be seen. He was headed right for it. My girlfriend jumped the fence and got to him in time. The mom came up after and was furious with my friend. Giving death stares while hugging her child. My girlfriend was "going off on her" in a voice that wouldn't scare the children.

meilay · March 2017

@kdanjou I actually see it quite often that I'm looking at a child running around in a store, mall, etc. and can't identify who they're with. It drives DH up the wall.

danij0 · March 2017

Wino0920 said:

I was with my girlfriend at the zoo. We took my kids one day. A little boy decided to climb the fence and head for the polar bears, with a moat that couldn't be seen. He was headed right for it. My girlfriend jumped the fence and got to him in time. The mom came up after and was furious with my friend. Giving death stares while hugging her child. My girlfriend was "going off on her" in a voice that wouldn't scare the children.

wtf. that mom should have been so grateful.

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/11RIDouEyKZ116/giphy.gif

meilay · March 2017

@Wino0920 People are so weird. I get if someone were to be upset if I'm telling their kid to like, not touch the chocolate bars or something. But if it's something threatening their safety just say thank you and walk away.

ellie111227 · March 2017

Ohhhh the zoo reminds me of another parenting in public pet peeve of mine: when people threaten their kids with things they clearly are not going to follow up on (I mean, or threatening anything and then not doing it). I once saw a mom tell her kid "If you don't stop hitting your sister, that man (points to a janitor emptying trash cans) is going to put you in the money cage!" Really?!

awillis13 · March 2017

Wino0920 said:

And I can't stand being in the middle of every kid fight, like sharing. I feel like I have to be when I'm with other people. When my kids fight, I tell them to figure it out. When we are out, other kids are constantly "mom I want!" "Mom he is ...!" My kids know it is better to just work it out because if I get involved, they both lose.

99% of the time, this is my response. Or possibly with the addition of "figure it out or no one gets it" when they are fighting over a toy. I just do not have the patience for the constant bickering. And if I always intervene, they will never develop problem solving skills. We have a whole generation of kids who don't know how to handle interpersonal conflict because it's always been mediated for them. I don't want that to be my kids.

Elyse1384 · March 2017

@awillis13 and @Wino0920 agreed over here! Granted my kids are young (DD - 16 months and DS - 3 on Saturday), but they pretty much just deal with ish themselves when it comes to sharing. I have a rule that if it is a personal item (eg a gift given specifically for him/her), it belongs in their respective bedroom. If it is shared, it stays in the playroom. I never force my kids to share their toys from their room, but if it is in the playroom it is fair game and they need to figure it out because I'm not stepping in unless someone could get hurt (eg a tug of war over an item and then I just take it away period). DS would always try to rat out DD - "Mom, I was using that and she took it!', "Mom, she has the truck that I want!", "Mom, I want to use that toy now". He figured out quickly to "negotiate" with her rather than waste his time speaking to a wall (me). It is kind of funny/cute to watch since she is so young and doesn't get it. He'll say, "OK, you can have this if you give me that. Yeah?". She agrees most of the time, but sometimes he just needs to deal with her not coughing something up and he has learned to move on quickly and swoop in fast when she puts it down.

ellie111227 · March 2017

When I was a kid, my mom mostly sent my brother and I to our own rooms to play alone if we fought. We lived miles from anything, so it's not like we could just run outside and find another friend to play with, and we figured out really young that we needed to communicate about stuff and get along if we wanted to play together. That worked super well and we were honestly best friends all growing up and even through college. We bought a car together in high school, and our friends would always comment on how civilly we negotiated who had it when, whose turn it was too buy gas, etc.

I am planning to handle sibling conflicts same way my mom did, because the outcome was awesome for me. She says she just didn't want to listen to us argue.

JessyKV · March 2017

@Elyse1384 I'm the same way and I love watching my kids negotiate with each other over things. My oldest tries to trade stuff with my youngest all the time. It cracks me up. I like them
working stuff out for themselves.

I agree with kids shouldn't have to share everything. But I do try and teach my kids to be considerate and kind. There is definitely a balance.

And i agree that I would correct another kid if something were dangerous or over the top beyond what I feel like kids should work out themselves. And if a parent corrects my kid I'm fine with it too.

Xath · March 2017

I don't mind casual parenting in public spaces when it's a matter of safety. But I was livid at another mom for picking up my son at the playground after he tripped and fell. He was fine. We don't make a big deal out of little things. She ran over like the world was ending, scooped him up and scared the crap out of him. Don't pick up my kid.

JAGinMI · March 2017

@ellie111227 I do this often lately. I also cannot handle listening the arguing and crying over the most ridiculous stuff. So my response is that they can't play together anymore and they have to go to their rooms for a bit. It generally seems to resolve the problem because they really don't want to be in their rooms since we purposely keep very little fun stuff in their rooms. Glad to hear this method worked for someone and they appreciated it! Also love to hear someone say that their sibling is their best friend!

JAGinMI · March 2017

Xath said:

I don't mind casual parenting in public spaces when it's a matter of safety. But I was livid at another mom for picking up my son at the playground after he tripped and fell. He was fine. We don't make a big deal out of little things. She ran over like the world was ending, scooped him up and scared the crap out of him. Don't pick up my kid.

Omg, this would make me livid. Yes, DO NOT pick up my kid.

awoodruff27 · March 2017

@Xath O yeah touching my child is not cool. Unless they are in immediate danger. Like about to run into traffic. I never react to my kids falling at the playground. I usually say "you good?" and then they shake it off and go play. Unless there is blood your probably fine. They need to get used to bumps and bruises. My family is very clumsy I hurt myself on a daily basis in the most random ways possible.

Xath · March 2017

Oh yeah @awoodruff27 I'd totally be on board if my kid were about to run into traffic (hopefully I'm paying more attention than that but you never know). But don't run across the whole playground and scoop up my kid because he tripped on a stick and fell into a pile of leaves... Seriously.

UO 3/16

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