Continue or no???

blackrose-9 · March 2017

Hello, I am in desperate need of some advice. Some of you may know my story and some may not. In short my husband and I are both 23 and have been trying for 3 years to start a family. From the very beginning we wanted a big family. We recently found out that I have PCOS started fertility treatments. The first cycle my husband was sick at the wrong time and ended in a BFN. The second month we were scheduled for an IUI, but that ended up being cancelled. I don't really want to go into a lot of details, but my husband has decided that he would rather be alone than have a wife and a family. So I have to figure out if I want to stop the treatments I have waited so long for or look into other options. I spoke with my doctor and explained my situation. She suggests freezing my eggs because they are healthy and I am young. She says that I respond so well on the lowest dose of medications and my egg quality is above average so she wants to freeze them now while they are still good. My insurance doesn't cover it at all and I can't afford to spend an extra $4,600+ for one cycle. She says that if I wanted to continue that I can use a sperm donor from a bank or someone that I know. I feel like I have waited so long for this and I don't want to give up, but everyone is saying that I am too young and that I should wait until I find a new partner. Which I would love to do, but I have no idea when that would be. I honestly don't know what to do or what would even be best so any advise or opinions would be greatly appreciated!!

laurad75 · March 2017

I'm so sorry about your situation. Since your doctor has confirmed that you have plenty of time I think you should take a step back and heal from this turn your life has taken. Focus on yourself and finding your new life now.

kaseycoco · March 2017

Hello, I'm also sorry to hear about your situation. I know it's so hard to take a step back from the idea of having a child when you've wanted one for so long. I agree with the previous poster that it would be in your best interest to step back and think about what you really want in your future. IMHO I wouldn't suggest using donor sperm without pausing and really considering all your options. Don't think of pausing now as giving up, but rather giving yourself a break to figure things out. Good luck!

AlohaKumu · March 2017

I cannot even imagine what it is like to have to go through such a difficult time and have to think about a decision like this. This is just my two cents, but certainly, do what you feel is best for you in your heart after considering your doctor's advice.

My first marriage ended in divorce in my early 20s. We hadn't seriously tried to have children, but the loss was still devastating and it took a long time to heal. (However, fast forward about 10 years and I have an amazing partner, even though in my younger years I questioned if it would ever be possible.) Since you are 23, to me it seems a bit early to try to egg freezing and/or sperm donor route, especially if the cost of the treatment would put a big strain on you.

I agree with @laurad75 about taking a step back and allowing yourself to heal. I did some of the best "finding myself" after the divorce. I know that it's really, really tough to grieve through the loss of a partner. Again, this is such a personal decision and there is a lot to think about, but those are my thoughts. I wish you the very best during this time.

blackrose-9 · March 2017

Thanks you guys. I know that no one can really help and in the end it is my decision, but I really don't know what to do. I've had almost a month to think about this and I am no closer to a decision than when I started. I have always wanted kids and hope for a big family which is what we were planning for, but just never happened. After three years of waiting and heartbreak I don't know how much longer I can wait. I would honestly love to wait until I find the right person, but I don't know when that would be and it really scares me to wait. I'm afraid of not being able to have the family I've been waiting for, but using a donor scares me too. I don't have an family here so I will be moving back to my home state, but the closest fertility doctor is 4 hours away so if I choose to do the donor I would rather do it here while I already have a doctor close by that I like. It's just such a hard decision and I feel like I need to decide now.

funkykey · March 2017

@BlackRose - I am so sorry about your marriage. That would be devastating. I assume that this has been a long time coming? I mean, IF is stressful, and my own DH and I have had a couple of shaky moments - but we always make up, usually the next day or the day after. Is that a possibility here, do you think? If not - if you're in a situation where your H has said he's been feeling this way for a while, and he wants out, and your conversations have been calm and measured, then likely reconciliation is not an option.

Ugh.

I think the biggest consideration for me would be whether or not I was established enough to be a single mother. I would not proceed if I were not. And for me, I definitely would not have been ready at 23 - I mean, I was pretty set-up at 23, but it would have been a serious stretch to give my kids the life I want to give them. And, truthfully, in my heart, I wanted to fall in love - like, really, deeply in love with someone who wanted to walk alongside me.

It took me YEARS to meet my husband - I met him when I was 29, almost 30 - but when we met, we moved fast. At the time, before I met him, it was agonizing - the wait was agonizing. I've wanted to have kids since I was a little girl, to have a family, and I made so many responsible choices all through my teens and 20s with that aim - being alone was really tough, especially while all my friends seemed to be falling in love and getting married. Some people told me I was being too picky, or joked that there may be something wrong with me. I seriously considered egg freezing when I was 27, I was so despondent. I'd even started setting aside money for it when I met DH!

I can honestly say, my life is so much better with my DH in it, even though the wait was awful - and our children's lives are going to be better too. I cannot imagine having children without him. And I also cannot express how much joy he brings me: I truly did not know that this amount of joy was possible in a relationship. He is far better than I ever imagined for myself. And there's nothing wrong with me: I just had to find the right person. I am so grateful I didn't settle.

All that said, it is so, so hard to have faith that things will get better after you've suffered a blow like the one you're suffering now. After your confidence has been shot and all your efforts canned, it's extra, extra hard to be brave.

Maybe it will help to make a contract with yourself? Ie. give yourself time to mourn, and time to save, and promise yourself you'll go see the RE in 5 years, whatever happens?

I hope you take some to grieve, and that you find the courage to do what is best for you! After a blow like this, courage is what you need! I truly believe that if you work hard, and listen to your heart, and stand up for yourself, your life may not be what you expected it to be, but it will be something far greater than you ever imagined: more joy, more love, more trust.

Best of luck to you!

AlohaKumu · March 2017

PMed you @BlackRose

blackrose-9 · March 2017

@funkykey I sent you a PM.

mandasd · March 2017

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation! My ex husband did something similiar to me - we were trying to get pregnant for 2 years and had done 6 cycles of clomid. He came home one day and said he didn't want to have kids anymore and he was filing for divorce. Turns out he just didn't want to have kids with me. I eventually found out he had been unfaithful and got a girl pregnant. It wasn't an easy situation but I knew it wasn't my fault. He was not a good guy and the best thing he ever did in our relationship was leave. He ended up not filing for divorce so I hired an attorney and took care of it-he would have dragged me through it forever if he could. If I didn't go through the pain, I would have never come out the other side in a much better place and a much healthier and happier person. I met my husband a year later and since we both had been there and done that, we moved quickly. He also knew I wasn't able to get pregnant in my prior so he knew it may require extra steps to have a family. I will say that IF is hard, like others have said here, it tests even the strongest relationships. While we have our challenges, we decided the day we got married it would be him and I against the world. Marriage in general is hard, add these extra pressures and it makes or breaks.

I just want you to know I feel your pain. It's important now to get your "house in order." Focus on what you need to do legally to protect yourself during this transition. Once you have settled, whether it's a divorce, move, job change - take care of that stuff first, then assess your options for conception.

[Deleted User] · March 2017

I agree with PPs and I am sending you big, big hugs...
<img src="https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/bd/1leicx77z662.gif" alt="">
IF is hard and it's even harder when the partner you thought you could count on walks away. At the same time, I know 3 years of trying feels like an eternity, but you are still so young. I do believe if you give yourself a chance to heal, the right person will come into your life, at the right time. Scary as it is to think you may not get the family of your dreams, it's still better not to make such a huge decision based on fear, kwim? Deep breaths... feel free to pm and vent anytime. ❤

DH and I are struggling right now, but ultimately I know in my heart that - kids or no - there's no one else I'd rather have by my side. A man didn't make me whole, babies won't make me whole, I had to make <i>myself</i> whole first. And the rest fell into place... ;)

mountainlady · March 2017

Well damn it... I'm so sorry.

I absolutely love @funkykey 's advice to make a contract with yourself. You are young, and have time - but you are also single minded enough to know that you want the big family and are willing to work for it. Setting yourself a date for furture fertility planning will help you know that you are staying true to that vision. In the meantime, you can have time to grow and process this, save up, and hopefully not need to even spend that $ on IF as you will meet a fabulous person who will work to keep you.

blackrose-9 · March 2017

Thank you for the advise

It's an overall sucky situation and it has been really rough. Its a lot to think about and the decision is really all mine. I'm just confused and lost right now. I feel like I'm losing everything and watching all my dreams/future plans disappear.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I know that I really want a family or my own, but I also know that I would prefer that family to include a loving partner. The wait is what is killing me. I don't know if I can honestly wait any longer. I thought it was bad before and even more so when we started the treatments, but the not knowing wait seems just awful.

FuzzyDust · March 2017

@BlackRose, sorry about your husband backing out.

I've been there

I've always wanted family and kids, but somehow kept failing for find a partner who would be on the same page. Then I thought I finally did at 29... And then I got divorced at 31. That was so crushingly hopeless. It'd take forever to find a new partner, get married, start trying, and then I'd be too old. I was devastated.

A few month later I met my new husband. A year later we got married and went into baby business right away.

You never know what's right around the corner. You're still young, give yourself a moment to mourn your past relationship and find a new one.

Looking back to my younger age, I wish I'd frozen some eggs back then. I wouldn't do any donor sperm fertilization, as there is a very special feeling when you have a potential of mixing your DNA with someone's who you love. And trust me, you'll want that once you find him.

Then again, you mentioned that you can't really afford the cost for the IVF. Also, since it sounds like you even considering having kids alone, but would have to move back to be closer to the family for help, maybe it's worth to wait and spend a bit of time to climb in career to be more financially independent for the future babies.

Ultimately, it is your decision, and we'll support you here either way

LoveDontCostAThing · March 2017

@BlackRose -I read some of the comments, but not all, so forgive me if this is repetitive. I am so sorry you are going through all of this

The good news is that you truly are so young. I don't think that you need to decide everything right now. You have plenty of time to figure things out. Personally, I am the kind of person who is always "in a rush" and want what I want when I want it! This whole fertility thing has helped me learn patience. Time is on your side. I do think freezing your eggs could be an excellent idea because then whenever you choose to do it (be that now or in two years or five...even ten!) you will have 23-year-old eggs. I don't think at this moment, while your life is changing drastically, would be the best time to have a baby. Everything will work out for you in time. I feel like I grew/ changed the most in my twenties, and I think some people grow together and some grow apart. Be kind to yourself. Worry about what is best for you in this moment. You don't need to figure it all out right now.

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