FTM with no friends

Luckylove16 · January 2017

Tldr: Since I found out about my pregnancy my friends have dropped like flies...

Countless plans made and broken at the very last minute, even friends who seem very genuinely excited to get a meal and hangout continuously cancel minutes before we plan to meet...

I don't know if it's because I'm 21 and most my age are party-work-school focused? Others act as though my pregnancy is a virally contagious... Some are downright unsupportive and treat me as though I'm contributing to overpopulation and the decline of civilization as we know it... Did I mention my pregnancy was unplanned?

I'm anxious about planning a baby shower it feels like I have no friends to invite. I've signed up for two apps to meet other Moms and have not received any replies or friends so far

IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE THAT CAN RELATE? IM STARTING TO FEEL CRAZY LONELY!

meggyme · January 2017

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's unfortunate that your friends would be unsupportive, even downright hostile (contributing to overpopulation? That's some nerve...) but I do think it might have to do with your age. A lot of people that age are in very different places in their lives. See if your hospital offers classes or support groups that you might be able to meet other moms. Also, if there's a La Leche League nearby it might be helpful if you're planning to breastfeed and to meet some new people.

Good luck.

SaphireSweetie88 · January 2017

Luckylove16 said:

Tldr: Since I found out about my pregnancy my friends have dropped like flies...

Countless plans made and broken at the very last minute, even friends who seem very genuinely excited to get a meal and hangout continuously cancel minutes before we plan to meet...

I don't know if it's because I'm 21 and most my age are party-work-school focused? Others act as though my pregnancy is a virally contagious... Some are downright unsupportive and treat me as though I'm contributing to overpopulation and the decline of civilization as we know it... Did I mention my pregnancy was unplanned?

I'm anxious about planning a baby shower it feels like I have no friends to invite. I've signed up for two apps to meet other Moms and have not received any replies or friends so far

IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE THAT CAN RELATE? IM STARTING TO FEEL CRAZY LONELY!

I am sorry that's happening to you. I can understand it's frustrating but you said your pregnancy was unplanned and you're 21. I think both of those are big factors in why your friends are acting that way. Like PP said, there are classes that your hospital can offer that would help you out with your baby and allow you to meet other moms in your area. I would do that before meeting people off a random app.

As for the shower, it's okay if you don't invite many / any friends. I love my friends but I am only going to have 1 or 2 of my closest friends at my shower.

Twinkiedoll · January 2017

My situation is slightly different. I moved very far away from my friends and family two years ago. I haven't made very many new friends so I do feel like I'm going through this pregnancy alone.

Some ladies here have suggested meetup.com and prenatal yoga classes as a way to meet other moms-to-be. Maybe you can give that a shot?

jennielynn+ · January 2017

I'm sorry you feel lonely. It happened to me. I was the 1st of my friend group to get pregnant and, I was 28 at the time. We wanted to wait until 30 for kids for the very reason your friends are probably not so supportive right now. We liked traveling, late night events and general tomfoolery that the care free 20s can bring. You can't expect people to understand such a major life change. Its just a different set of priorities. Our friends are catching up to us now and having their 1st babies so, some of your friends may come around.

Honestly, having a newborn makes you feel even more isolated and lonely. Its a lot of hormones and life adjustments. You might want to really try to find some "been there done that" moms locally that can help you with the transition when the baby is here. My city has a women's group where most are moms. Prenatal yoga, city parks and a baby wearing groups are all community based too. Also, my 1st bump birth month club was invaluable when I had my baby. They were all feeling the same things as me, especially the FTMs.

emilyalso · January 2017

I second a pp's suggestion of Meetup - I was able to find a handful of groups for pregnancy/moms of babies in my area. Once your little one is here, I would also check out your local libraries. Ours has GREAT programs for all ages, and I've 'picked up' a few mom friends by asking them out to lunch afterwards.

AmberinCanada · January 2017

Aww that sucks, and you know what? Becoming a mom you'll probably end up with all new friends no matter how old you are. I'm 36 and I don't hang out with any of my friends from before kids either - it just happens. Your priorities, interests, what you find funny, who you know yourself to be and what you know yourself to be capable of - your whole world changes.

lovesclimbing · February 2017

You're trying to make friends through an app? Look around for some real life stuff. Look at fliers for mom-to-be hangouts and show up. Go to a new class. Sure, it's early for birth classes, but try to find some pregnancy or even birth ones to go to.

Also, it's rude to plan your own baby shower. It's rude to plan any sort of gift-giving event for yourself. Showers are offered by friends or family and thrown by someone else for you. If no one offers, you don't get one.

Knottie42067768 · February 2017

Umm you are being kind of rude. Sometimes people can't get out frequently enough to meet people the conventional way, and there's no reason you should give her a hard time for using a meet-up app. As long as she's safe about who/where she meets.
Secondly your remark about the babyshower "If no one throws you one, you don't get one"?? Super rude. It doesn't sound like her friends are being very supportive right now. And this girl shouldn't be told she can't have a baby shower if she wants one. And YOU are not the baby shower police. It's sad that she has to throw one for herself, but nobody gets to tell her she can't. Women need to be supporting each other, not bullying each other. Sheesh

meggyme · March 2017

Knottie42067768 said:

Umm you are being kind of rude. Sometimes people can't get out frequently enough to meet people the conventional way, and there's no reason you should give her a hard time for using a meet-up app. As long as she's safe about who/where she meets.
Secondly your remark about the babyshower "If no one throws you one, you don't get one"?? Super rude. It doesn't sound like her friends are being very supportive right now. And this girl shouldn't be told she can't have a baby shower if she wants one. And YOU are not the baby shower police. It's sad that she has to throw one for herself, but nobody gets to tell her she can't. Women need to be supporting each other, not bullying each other. Sheesh

Generally throwing your own gift giving party is considered rude. That's why baby showers are hosted by someone else and you are the guest of honor. It's not bullying just because you disagree with common etiquette.

SnarkasaurusRex · March 2017

Knottie42067768 said:

Umm you are being kind of rude. Sometimes people can't get out frequently enough to meet people the conventional way, and there's no reason you should give her a hard time for using a meet-up app. As long as she's safe about who/where she meets.
Secondly your remark about the babyshower "If no one throws you one, you don't get one"?? Super rude. It doesn't sound like her friends are being very supportive right now. And this girl shouldn't be told she can't have a baby shower if she wants one. And YOU are not the baby shower police. It's sad that she has to throw one for herself, but nobody gets to tell her she can't. Women need to be supporting each other, not bullying each other. Sheesh

...but that's how etiquette works. You don't throw a gift giving event for yourself. THAT is rude. If no one offers to throw you a shower, you don't get one, and that's that. It's no one else's financial responsibility but your own to pay for your child's essentials. Pointing out that someone is (potentially unknowingly) going against etiquette norms isn't rude. I'd rather some rando on the internet call me out that my friends that I ticked off because I didn't know any better.

Also, OP posted and ghosted, so she really didn't seem to be too interested in the support this community could offer her anyway.

lovesclimbing · March 2017

Knottie42067768 said:

Umm you are being kind of rude. Sometimes people can't get out frequently enough to meet people the conventional way, and there's no reason you should give her a hard time for using a meet-up app. As long as she's safe about who/where she meets.
Secondly your remark about the babyshower "If no one throws you one, you don't get one"?? Super rude. It doesn't sound like her friends are being very supportive right now. And this girl shouldn't be told she can't have a baby shower if she wants one. And YOU are not the baby shower police. It's sad that she has to throw one for herself, but nobody gets to tell her she can't. Women need to be supporting each other, not bullying each other. Sheesh

Umm, no I'm not. I didn't give her a hard time for using an app, I questioned whether that was a good way to go about making friends. She said she had signed up for two apps and hadn't made any connections, so obviously, using apps is not working. I suggested doing things in real life because it would probably work better.

As for the shower, sorry, but you're just plain wrong. Basic etiquette is that you do not throw a party in honor of yourself, especially gift giving ones. It is extremely rude to tell your friends and family, "Hey, come buy me presents." I know I'm not the baby shower police. Of course, the OP can throw herself a shower, and I can't stop her. But she should know that it's rude and if (general) you throw yourself a shower, you will probably find a lot of your friends and family think you are rude and will sideeye and likely comment about it behind your back. Your opinion that it's ok to throw yourself a shower does not change the etiquette fact that is rude to do so.

And you think my post was bullying? Please.

Oh, and here's another suggestion I thought of, OP, look up a local Mom's of Preschoolers group. It's for moms of children up to preschool age including expectant mothers. These are typically held at churches and the organization is religious, but even if you're not, you may be able to make some initial connections through there.

MissCassy · March 2017

That is completely normal, and I feel that it is inevitable that you will lose friends when you reach a milestone that they just are not at yet. It is a huge time commitment and lifestyle change when you have a baby. Where you used to go out for lunch or dinner after work with your friends, well when you have a baby you either go home and care for your child, or you take the baby with you. I for one never had an issue with taking my infant with me to dennys, apple bees, chili's etc. So it didn't really stop me, as I'd just whip out a boob, but for others it is a hindrance and your friends may just not want to deal with that. You are on a different plane now, and it is best that you accept that. I agree with pp, prenatal yoga classes and labor/birth/newborn prep classes are a great way to meet other veteran and new moms in your area.

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