NBR: Coparenting with an ex

sugarpixxie2 · March 2017

I have a blended family. My kids are 11 and 8. My stepson is 8. My husband and I have been together almost 7 years and this will be our first (and most likely our only!) child together. Our family is awesome, however we both co-parent with our children's respective other parents. Sometimes runs smoothly, sometimes not. Here is my vent for the day. It is kind of long but that's what happens when you're mad... and I would rather let it out here than be crazy in real life! If you have co-parenting frustrations (I realize I may be a minority here) please feel free to vent!!

My 11 year old (5th grade) son has begged for a cell phone. He has no need for one. He has enough electronics -including an ipad which he has to request approval on all apps. I have a prepaid flip phone at the house for the rare occasion I run to the store and leave him home, or for example when he went trick or treating with his friends and no adults this year.

He is visiting my ex husband in another state for 3 weeks (my kids go to year round school- it's a wierd schedule). I just got a text saying "hi mom, this is my new phone". I call him and find out his dad bought him a smart phone. I am not happy.

I texted his dad back and forth a few times and basically told him I appreciate the generosity toward our son however he is not here for the day-to-day issues with electronics (friends trying to search porn, online bullying, recently finding a fondness for rap and copying lyrics at school and being in trouble for some pretty bad words, sending his stepbrother inappropriate messages from his sister's ipad). It's mostly minor stuff indivitually but it's still things I have to deal with daily that he doesn't have to deal with. His response was pretty much just "well we can't shelter him forever".

I am far from a helicopter mom and probably let my kids do a lot more than others. Most of my monitoring/restrictions on these electronics have been a response to misuse. I feel like when he gets home I'm going to be the bad guy for basically not letting him have freedom with the phone. If we can't put parental locks on it I don't really want him to have it unsupervised at all. Would you be mad if your ex got your 5th grader a smart phone without talking to you about it?? Am I just overreacting because I'm surprised? I feel like I"ve been telling him no for so long and then his dad gets him one no problem wtf.

mercury94 · March 2017

I don't have any personal experience with co-parenting, but that would piss me off, too. A cell phone is the sort of purchase you need to discuss with the other parent, especially if you don't have primary custody. Plus, it makes you the perpetual bad guy because you said no to begin with.

Carebella · March 2017

Exactly what @bridge-and-wall said. I also don't have experience but completely agree with what she said.

HollyGolightly09 · March 2017

Yeah, I wouldn't be happy...

I don't have personal experience with co parenting, but my brother and his ex co parent my 9 year old nephew. They try really hard to stay on the same page with things. (For example, if he's grounded from something at his mom's, he can't have it at dad's either)

I don't feel like the things you are trying to avoid are things you are "sheltering" him from exactly... they are inappropriate for his age, period.

beccam1230 · March 2017

I don't have any personal experience here either, but this isn't ok! My sister has had to deal with situations like this before with a very uncooperative father who lives a few states away. This definitely should have been discussed. It kind of sounds like he's trying to win a popularity contest. I'm sorry you have to deal with this!

sugarpixxie2 · March 2017

thanks all. I was annoyed by it and also annoyed that I let him get me so upset! I have worked very hard to make sure I am affected very little by his actions but sometimes he just gets under my skin! I could understand if he wanted to have direct contact with my son, since at this point I'm pretty much the middle man and just pass the phone to my son. I don't monitor their conversations or limit their contact at all. But a conversation with me about it and a flip phone would accomplish that!

BigBadWolf12 · March 2017

Yea, that's a big thing for him to do without discussing it with you first...yikes. I'm of the same mindset as you on electronics for kids, especially phones, and ESPECIALLY smart phones. If I were you, I would establish rules of use that my kid would have to follow in order to have phone priviledges. Like:

- the phone is given in to be locked up at 7pm (or whatever time you want)
- the phone can be used for up to 30 minutes (1 hour or whatever time you want - have a timer!) between when you finish your homework and the lock up time
- the phone must be used in the family room (or other public area of the house)
- parents must know the password and can look through the phone whenever they want - this is not a diary, this is public!
- no phone at meal times or family activity times (or when friends are over?)

I'd probably think of some other ground rules specific to him, but for me, I'd for sure use all those. You're also going to have to consider now
- how will this impact your other children? will they nag for a phone now too and how will you handle that?
- will he be allowed to take it to school or other places?

Sorry you're dealing with this

ETA: I would emphasise that the phone is a gift from dad, which is a priviledge, not a right, and that even if there are different rules at dad's house (I would talk to the father about having similar rules so he has some consistency), in order to have access to this priviledge at mom's house, the rules have to be met. As long as the rules are followed, the phone can be used.

sugarpixxie2 · March 2017

@bigbadwolf12 yes first thing my 8 year old daughter says is "no fair! he gets a phone!". sorry kid, you aren't getting one just because your brother did. Too bad for her , her dad is a dipsh*t in a completely different way so I won't have to worry about him getting her a surprise phone. This is going to have to be a life lesson for her that life isn't fair because there is no way the rest of the kids in my house are now getting a phone!

msashley2010-2 · March 2017

I would be extremely upset. Regardless of whether you are separated or not, he should have consulted you prior to buying the phone.

My daughter is eight and has a tablet with parental controls. When she does get a phone it will definitely not be a smartphone.

Sugargirl1019 · March 2017

I would make the phone stay at dads... it's not allowed over to your house.

Ugh. I'm mad too. What a terrible thing. Now your other kids are jealous.

LuckyPenny1231 · March 2017

Is there any way to trade his phone and get a non smart phone? I feel like a regular phone (they still make those, right?) Where he can make calls and text only is way better than a smart phone. Then he can use it to talk to his dad but he can't search for porn, etc.

GracefulStar · March 2017

I'm with you on this, it's a big deal and should've been discussed. Honestly I'd probably take it away, but it's his when he visits dad. Unless you can trade it for a non smart phone. That's tough... id also check this's phone to make sure he didn't do anything he shouldn't. Good luck!

BigBadWolf12 · March 2017

Sugargirl1019 said:

I would make the phone stay at dads... it's not allowed over to your house.

Ugh. I'm mad too. What a terrible thing. Now your other kids are jealous.

yessss this is even better than a contract of rules! I like your style, @sugargirl1019!

DPandMB · March 2017

So I have some experience with this. Here is my story. My son (technically step-son) is 11 as well. He is in 6th grade and will be 12 in June. He switches between our house and his Bio Mom's house every other week, but tends to spend more time with us. He's also been asking for a phone forever. We haven't really felt like he was ready either, but he really wanted to be able to play Pokémon Go. We switched hone companies in October and we got a 4th line for free. We were able to buy a starter smartphone for $40. We have had conversations with his bio mom several times about it and her response was basically to just laugh. Now that DS is in middle school, he is getting involved in more and more things, and there aren't pay phones anymore.

Bottom line, despite all my justifications, we broke down and gave him a phone for Christmas. His bio mom wasn't upset at all, she didn't really care. Ironically enough though, his other dad (step dad), was pretty pissed. He didn't think he should have one. What it boiled down to, was his bio son (7) didn't get one and he didn't feel it was fair. There were some pretty long conversations between my husband and Bio Mom and everyone is fine now that they realize the rules and reasons behind it. DH probably should have done a better job talking to her about it, but she just wasn't really willing to have the conversations.

Our rules and Bio Mom has the same rules too:

1. He must have C's or better in every class. If he gets anything lower, he loses the phone until it is brought back up. (this is what we have always done with electronics, and is true for my oldest DD too).

2. We can and will monitor all of the activity. So we look at his browsing history, we look at who he is messaging, and he has to ask before anything can be downloaded.

3. Just like all other electronics, its a privilege and if he does something that is "bad", then he will be grounded from it too.

4. Phone stays downstairs at bedtime.

Sorry that got so long. TLDR. We did the same with my son (step). There were some issues with his mom at first, but it all got resolved. DS is and we haven't had any issues. Maybe you and his bio dad can talk about it, set rules and standards. Maybe also when DS comes home, you could sit and talk with him and explain your reasons in wanting to wait a bit longer. Then maybe you wont be looked at as the bad guy?

IsItTacoTuesday · March 2017

Bleh! My step-kiddos are AMAZING, their mother is not so much. So, I also have experience with this. We got SD a phone when she was 10 (about to start 6th grade, now 11). Every other week when the kids aren't with us, their mom leaves her home for an hour in the morning, and in charge of her 9 year old brother in the evening for an undetermined (they won't tell us) amount of time (we suspect 3-4 hours). We thought it best to make sure they had a phone in case of emergency since there is no landline. DH did discuss with her mom before buying it, and made the offer to take her to school and have the kids hang out at our house in the evenings on weeks they weren't with us...but heaven forbid they spend more time with their dad, so the phone happened. There have been issues, for example she was on snap chat and when caught, her mom friended her instead of deleting the app and taking the phone away. But, there are rules and she is responsible for it. It has been taken away for grades (for over a month this last 6-weeks) and other misbehavior. Overall, she has surprised us with her responsibility, and it is good to have more contact during their weeks with their mom. Plus, it has been peace of mind the few times the kids have been at their moms and needed us to pick them up or drop them off somewhere, they would have been stuck otherwise.

Your situation is a tough and tricky one...I think communicating with your ex that this is the type of decision that should be made jointly. And setting ground rules with your son, good to have these lined up for when he gets home to you. I especially like the rule that there is a lock up of the phone starting in the evening is a good one. Good luck, keep us posted!

wineren · March 2017

I have a stepson who is 12, almost 13. He lives primarily with us for the last year and a half. His mom lives 6 hours away so he sees her once a month, every other holiday and 9weeks in the summer. Things have definitely gone back and forth. We do all try to stay on the same page but it doesn't always work. We actually got him a cell phone the summer before 5th grade (age 10) to make communication with his mom easier. We don't have a home phone and this way they can talk and text when he gets home from school, and we know we can get ahold of him when he's there. There were some big safety concerns at his mom's for awhile so it was just safer. We ended up getting him a super nice phone for Christmas this year and honestly, it's made it easier to get ahold of him cause he keeps it on him. I use an app called Screentime to monitor his web history, block apps, block night time use, put limits on the length of time he can use it....It's great. It's like $20 for six months of the premium or you can monitor for free, just not block. We've had some porn issues with his friends and his tablet his mom got him...It has screen time too now. It's a family price not a devise price. Honestly, I'm glad we did it for him. Most of his friends have phones and he usually uses it responsibly. It definitely gets taken for grades and misbehaving though.

Man, coparenting kinda sucks though sometimes. I've seen amazing examples of it. We try. We really do. I think it would be easier if we lived closer just because the limited visits makes the non primary parent (he used to live primarily at his mom's) the fun house and the grass is always greener. It's easy to be nice and easy going when you don't have to get homework done!

sugarpixxie2 · March 2017

@wineren is that app something I can add to his phone and control even if the phone isn't on my account ? I will have access to the physical phone since he lives with me but I don't have access to their account info since it's on his dad's plan.

4N6s · March 2017

Yea, I would be annoyed. You can tell him that the phone stays at his dads?

DPandMB · March 2017

Oh speaking of apps, this is my plug for all moms getting phones for their LOs. There is a free app called Life360. You create a family and it tracks the GPS of the phones. It's such a lifesaver. It allows you to set up a Home base and then the family members can check in at various places to send you notifications they are safe. There is also the ability of onsay need help and it calls 911. Great peace of mind for moms of teenagers.

wineren · March 2017

It is, you just have have physical access to it. My son had his phone through tracphone and mine was Verizon so it doesn't even have to be the same network. You install one app on the kid's phone with a passcode to prevent it from being messed with (if it's Android they'll be able to delete it because of privacy regulations, but it alerts you if that happens or if the password is entered (correctly or incorrectly on the child's phone) and then the parents' app on your phone and link it with a code. There is a free trial of premium. There are several different apps like that so if you don't like it for some reason I'd try out other ones.

wineren · March 2017

Oh, and @sugarpixxie2 my favorite part is I can totally lock the phone with a push of a button and send a message at the same time. Like "Time to be done, it's dinner time".

sugarpixxie2 · March 2017

@wineren thank you that sounds perfect.

@DPandMB that would work well for Middle School next year if I could get past the fact of sending him to school with his phone. I'm sure lots of middle school kids take their phone and leave it on silent... But I feel like sending it is asking for my son to get in trouble. Sometimes he doesn't need the extra help finding some trouble. He is 100% my karma/ payback for how I was as a kid lol.

DPandMB · March 2017

sugarpixxie2 said:

@wineren thank you that sounds perfect.

@DPandMB that would work well for Middle School next year if I could get past the fact of sending him to school with his phone. I'm sure lots of middle school kids take their phone and leave it on silent... But I feel like sending it is asking for my son to get in trouble. Sometimes he doesn't need the extra help finding some trouble. He is 100% my karma/ payback for how I was as a kid lol.

This 100% It took me forever to get past this for my s. He is a typical 11 year old and makes dumb choices. So far it hasn't been an issue at school, but every day, I wait for that call from school. The 360 app I mentioned I much more helpful for my 16 year old.

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