Mental Health Check In Week of 2/27

Jens_Hoes · February 2017

I figured there are likely many of us whom are struggling with previous or current mental health related issues. Whether it is due to issues related to your pregnancy, potential diagnoses of your babies, or issues unrelated to pregnancy, but exacerbated by symptoms related to pregnancy.
Feel free to unload here, make a "dear diary" post regarding what you're struggling with, so that we can try to support one another through the last few months of our pregnancies.

And if no one wants to participate, we can make it a gif party!

nda_roxybabe · February 2017

I'm feeling good today, despite being crazy busy at work. Making a list of what was stressing me out or causing me to worry or feel sad and then discussing that with H was such a huge help!

Jens_Hoes · February 2017

I'm doing pretty good, being off this week has helped.
Im also in denial. My shower isn't until 4/2, and I legit have nothing for this baby. I'm not ready at all. Once the shower happens and things are coming closer, I think I'll be way more anxious. I just hope she keeps cooking 13 weeks!

Jellybeanqueen13 · February 2017

On Friday, I spent a lot of time crying for no reason other than feeling tired and like I can't handle things.

I've been feeling very fatigued which hasn't helped matters.

I had pretty bad PPD after my last pregnancy, so I have been worried about that. I plan to bring it up at one of my next doctor's appointments.

OmegaRose3 · February 2017

I'll be honest, it's been rough lately. I'd like to think that the overall glumness is from my iron deficiency that I'm now on supliments for. I wouldn't even know where to start with all of the issues, but there's been a lot of crying and not over simple things either. I'm thankful I have DH and my mom's support but some days it feels like the depression is water at my ankles and other days it's over my head.

redheeler · February 2017

I was doing ok until DS told me yesterday that he didn't want me, that stung. But like @Jellybeanqueen13 I suffered badly with undiagnosed and untreated PPD last time so I am super worried this time, I am hoping that being older (not a scared teenager) means that I'll be able to speak up for myself more this time around and I really hope someone will notice I'm struggling this time and slap some sense into me. Apparently I was pretty good at hiding it, but then I did isolate myself quite a lot...

anyway, that's my dear diary post for today..

Kateriee · February 2017

I have anxiety and panic attacks. I'm feeling really guilty and stressed that I'm still taking my medication and this LO will have withdrawals because of it. It's little comfort that the doctor says I need it and it's what's best especially for taking baby home and getting ahead of PPD. I've experienced a few types of withdrawals, mostly alcohol related(1 year sober now) but from medication to. I cry thinking my baby will have to go through that.

hp_momma · February 2017

I think this gloomy winter weather has me in a funk. I'm hoping our trip home to warm weather and sunshine will help me relax and maybe get some energy back!

DH is leaving very soon for an extended period of time so I'm dealing with the stress/emotions of that and DD1 is having a hard time with it already. We've had lots of tears and tantrums.

Stress of the unknown of this LOs possible diagnosis is always in the back of my mind. DH is very optimistic which is great, but also makes it hard to discuss it with him. I'm more of a hypothetical situations person where I want to talk about all the outcomes and "what ifs".

bubsalicious · February 2017

I have been having a rough month mentally. I think part of it is I've been trying to think of middle names recently and we talked about doing something after our parents who have passed so I've been thinking about my father more lately. Then on top of that, H isn't being helpful with names, but has plenty of criticism. Another part I think that's been doing me in is I've been so uncomfortable since about week 20 that sometimes all I can do is break down. Hopefully getting back to work until D-day will help my mind a little bit.

0408Bear · February 2017

Glad for this thread. I have situational stresses and one is DH and names. He, too, has no suggestions but plenty of criticism to any I suggest. I am also stressing how to love and snuggle our 11mth old and love and snuggle twins. On top of everything, DH and I have both been working non stop and have spent no time together. Alone time is something I need and DH knows it, but yet we can't seem to be in the same place at the same time. Hopefully this too shall pass and the sun will shine again soon

kns1988 · February 2017

Thanks for starting this thread, @Jens_Hoes. I hope everyone who is struggling finds some relief.

I have GAD and my anxiety has become an issue over the past few weeks. I posted in the Monday ticker thread about how DH and I argued last night because he said he wouldn't play the "what's going to kill the baby game" anymore. I feel like the blow up led to some progress, though. We got news about our house inspection today that could have been better, but I've been making the choice to deal with it unemotionally and take it a day at a time. I'm just so damn tired of letting anxiety control my life, and I think I can make the choice to not let it anymore.

@Kateriee, don't beat yourself up. You're doing what your doctor advised you to do, and I'm sure there's a competent team of people to help your baby once he or she arrives. Mental illness is no joke.

RainyDays86 · February 2017

I'm sorry for everyone's struggles, especially those who feel overwhelmed at the moment. I suffered from depression as a teenager and its not something I would wish on anyone.
All things considered I am feeling pretty good lately. I get in moments where I spiral into uncontrollable googling about cancer statistics, and my upcoming mastectomy has started giving me some anxiety, but overall I do feel ok. I started seeing a counselor about a month ago to deal with my diagnosis and honestly I'm not sure how useful I find it. For those who have been in therapy and don't mind answering, how do you tell if it is helping? My natural instinct when dealing with a difficult situation is to put my head down and soldier through it and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. I've been to four session with this particular therapist and sometimes it is helpful to talk about what I'm thinking and feeling, and sometimes she gets me to realize/verbalize things I wouldn't have on my own but most of the time I feel like I'm just talking to fill silence. Is that normal?

kns1988 · February 2017

@RainyDays86, I find having a therapist really helpful. Some days, I go in and don't have much to say, but there are other days where I work through issues or just word vomit and feel better. Even when things are going well and I don't have a lot to talk about, I find that maintaining a relationship with a therapist is helpful for when times do get tough. I know that it's helping when I feel a sense of relief after I leave or when I'm dealing with anxiety and I can call on some of the coping strategies that my therapist has given me.

Jens_Hoes · February 2017

Big hugs to anyone struggling.
I've been traveling today so I just had a moment to catch up, but I'll post more support tomorrow.
@RainyDays86 just wanted to say as a therapist- the relationship you feel/make with the therapist is paramount. If you don't feel comfortable talking to them, it's important to look into why. I also want to add that sometimes it can be a little bit before you feel comfortable talking to a stranger about your deepest thoughts. So give it time, but also follow your gut.

chickyclg · February 2017

I am beyond overwhelmed with life here lately. My March schedule is giving me all sorts of anxiety because it's so full and I still need to schedule an ultrasound some time. DS has so much going on I just want to break down and I am having to fit everything in around my school schedule, oh and the one thing I want to do is freaking decorate our nursery.

chailife34 · February 2017

Ugh, it's been a week. I've been so uncomfortable, tired, and dehydrated, and it's really taking a til on my mental wellbeing. Today I avoided talking to one of my bosses who called me out after a meeting: him, "are you okay?" me, "no, I don't feel well" and started to walk away to end the conversation; he kept trying to ask if there was anything he could do, no, dude, just leave me alone! I don't want to talk about it, especially with him. I did discuss it with my MW and we are adjusting multivitamin/other supplements and pushing liquids to try to recover from dehydration but man, I am having a hard time right now.

/endrant

I'm grateful this thread and BMB exists. Glad to know I'm not alone, and know you aren't either. We gotta stick together, mamas! Hope everyone finds some relief soon

BabyMC517 · February 2017

Just saw this thread after my unloading in the randoms thread...thank you @Jens_Hoes for starting it!

Without going into more detail about previous posts I've had, the last month or so has been so overwhelming and stressful with regard to the house buying process. I've handled most of it and figured out bills, which is fine, but it caused other unnecessary drama with my parents. Anyway, I just want it to be done and over with one way or another because I don't want to cry anymore (as I tear up now at work). I especially do not want to cry at work anymore and then have everyone constantly ask if I'm okay! No, I'm not, but you'll make it worse by having me tell you what's going on even though I know you are just concerned and trying to help, but when I get like this I just want to go home and crawl under the covers. Ugh...

Then add that holy cow LO is here is 12 weeks! We don't know where we will be living, we have some furniture but can't set it up, the recall on the stroller still needs to be dealt with, but we don't have much else. The shower is supposed to be 4/2 but invitations haven't been sent out because we wanted to have it at the house but that's still up in the air! I'm about to scrap all of it or just have my sister find a restaurant to have it at. Isn't she supposed to do all of that since she's throwing it??? I know I have control issues sometimes, but I'm really trying not to be involved in it but she's asking about it...I'm so done with everything.

Thank you for letting me vent. Really love that we can post on here and have so much support, even when it is NBR.

Wishing everyone to feel better and to try to keep reminding ourselves that everything will work out how it is supposed to!!

ETA: because why not...still haven't heard anything about another interview after the phone interview. I just want to know either way, hate waiting. Other positions did open up as well that I might apply for if this doesn't work out. Maybe I shouldn't with everything going on and then being gone in a few months for FMLA. Can't help but think that might have something to do with it. Sometimes timing sucks.

Realtor just sent a text saying she's going to beg for an extension for closing date with everything going on...so we could lose the house if they don't want to extend or we lose it if the loan doesn't go through...yay...I want to go home...

Jens_Hoes · February 2017

@Jellybeanqueen13 I'm sorry you've been feeling overwhelmed. Is your partner helpful? Can you unload some of your stress onto them at all?

@OmegaRose3 how long did they say before you might feel better with the supplements?

@PartiallyDomesticated I'm so sorry for what DS said! Was this something that came out of left field for you guys? Or something he has said previously?

@Kateriee Congratulations on being a year sober, what an accomplishment!! Obviously you feel guilty about the baby experiencing withdrawals, but imagine how stressed the baby would feel your entire pregnancy if you were feeling even worse from not having any medication management support.

@hp_momma I can't imagine the stress related to your LO potential diagnosis. I am the same way, wanting to know all the details about everything, and not just being optimistic. Is there someone (friends/family or a doctor) you can talk about all the options/potential issues with? Also, where are you traveling to?

@absbubbs I'm so sorry about the loss of your parents. Is the name thing something you guys can forget about for now until you feel you are having a more productive conversation? What about only giving one another a certain number of "vetos" so that he can't just be saying no the whole time? I feel you on the uncomfortable-ness.

@0408Bear Can you take off a day or a half of a day to either spend time with DH or take some time for yourself?

@kns1988 What exactly is this game? Is it something your DH played with you up until now? Maybe he is feeling anxious about the babies?

@RainyDays86 Are you seeing a therapist who specializes in cancer related things? Maybe finding someone who knows more about the process might be more helpful.

@chickyclg I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed! Is there a way you can make a priority list and try to do things off the list one by one? Obviously the good thing about infants is that they don't NEED much, so if you don't have the nursery decorated, that might make you upset, but the baby won't need it!

@chailife34 Have you tried not just plain water? It is definitely easier for me to drink water when it tastes like something. I'm sorry your boss was being nosy and annoying!

@BabyMC517 I'm sorry work and house buying has been so stressful!! Is it possible to do the shower after the baby? As a meet and greet type thing if you are hoping to have it at your house? I feel ya on the job search issue, I have my interview this Friday...

BabyMC517 · February 2017

@Jens_Hoes Maybe...I've already told the one's who live out of state so they have a heads up and can look into flights if they are able to come. I mean if we really need to, we could send the invite on fb because I'm pretty sure most of them are on there! I just updated my sister, who really wanted to plan it, about the house and said you may want to look into other places at this point and she's like well just let me know because I was waiting for an address. I was like okay, but I just told you what to do and you wanted to plan it so can't you look things up? I told her the ideas I had and she's going to look later, but seriously I can't add that to my list right now. I'm way to stressed over everything else going on. Bleh....I hope all goes well with your interview Friday!

Sorry, I feel like I keep adding to my ridiculousness and bombarding you all!

redheeler · February 2017

@Jens_Hoes it wasn't something he has ever said before, but we're having major teeth brushing issues at the moment so it likely stemmed from the fact I've been having to force him to do it, afterwards he always tells me he misses nanny, so I've been trying not to read too much into it, but I don't think your child telling you they don't want you ever stops hurting.

kns1988 · March 2017

Jens_Hoes said:

@kns1988 What exactly is this game? Is it something your DH played with you up until now? Maybe he is feeling anxious about the babies?

It's just an expression. What he meant is he isn't going to entertain my constant worrying about the baby's safety anymore. He's right, though. My worrying had reached an unhealthy level where I was looking at all of the worst case scenarios all the time.

SKZW · March 2017

Kateriee said:

I have anxiety and panic attacks. I'm feeling really guilty and stressed that I'm still taking my medication and this LO will have withdrawals because of it. It's little comfort that the doctor says I need it and it's what's best especially for taking baby home and getting ahead of PPD. I've experienced a few types of withdrawals, mostly alcohol related(1 year sober now) but from medication to. I cry thinking my baby will have to go through that.

@Kateriee: You are not alone! I'm preg with my second, and with my first, I was terrified and anxious the entire 9 months about taking medication and the possible effects on him vs. the not taking it and what state my mind/body was in and how would that affect his well-being. There is no one correct answer. And that totally stinks. I get it.

And you're totally right about it being little comfort when the doc says "it's important to take care of you" because it's not that simple. You can't just think about yourself b/c there's another person literally physically involved too. It's such a tough thing to deal with on the daily. It's always on my mind: Am I doing right by him by taking these meds? What's the outcome going to be? What's the effect on his development?

I understand the line about staying ahead of the PPD.... there's something to be said for taking regulation seriously, to moving up your baseline by a few notches to help make it easier to get to that good place when you need it... but... depression can honestly come out of left field (for ANY person, not just those at a higher risk!) and without warning. It can't be foreseen, nor prevented, with any accuracy. It's a difficult diagnosis (both of self and of pro) b/c there's a huge fuzzy gray area of what's a normal postpartum state of mind (all the changes to manage & adapt to!) & what's a true gripping depression. On the face if it, the symptoms are the same. I personally feel that it's the length/duration of symptoms that's key to track. Hours, days, weeks of a certain feeling, emotion, tendency... if we all keep track of those, written down somewhere, it'll be better to suss out & discuss with someone later on, without having to rely on an unreliable memory.

Last quick point: I have no withdrawal experiences to discuss... but you do! Trust your gut based on your own experiences! (Relatedly, babies are super resilient and can sometimes surprise us in how quickly they bounce back! Please keep that in mind: A few tough hours or days are not huge in the grand scheme of things of one's entire lifespan! Withdrawal might be scary to witness but it's not forever, and there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel!)

L1C4gal · March 2017

@Jens_Hoes Thank you so much for starting this thread! I'm sorry that so many are going through rough patches. It's nice to have a place to talk through things.

I've really been struggling lately. I received a job offer for a position that is a really, really great opportunity for me--but potentially not so great for H, who in the past 6 months has just finally (after 11 years of misery) found a job that he absolutely loves. I am confident that he will find opportunities in the area where we'd be moving--his skillset is much more portable than mine--but he isn't so optimistic (although I've been the one searching for him). I'm in a field that is very geographically limited, so we don't have a ton of choice in where we end up (and opportunities like this definitely do NOT come up very often) and this one happens to be great and relatively close to our families (3.5 hours away, compared to 8.5 hours where we are now). But he really doesn't like the town and can find almost nothing redeeming about it.

I'm so torn because I would hate to pass on the position (and I think it would be a bad professional move to do so), but I just have this gut feeling/worry that it may be bad for my family. H understands that it would be best for me and he thinks we should take it despite his concerns, but I can't get over the worry. I don't want to spend the next 5+ years being the "bad guy"--even though I know H would never say that, I'll obviously be able to tell if he's unhappy and I'll feel like it's my fault. I've also watched him struggle with anxiety and depression over the years, and it's been so much better now that he's found his place with work; I'm so scared that we'll move to a new place where we don't know anyone, it'll take time for him to find a job, we'll have this new kid in our lives, and suddenly he'll slip back into that and not be able to enjoy any of it.

There's no right answer--either we move and he's (potentially) unhappy, or we stay and I've just passed up what is probably going to be the best opportunity available to me at this point in my career. Every conversation leads to tears, it's all I think about, and I randomly cry throughout the day (including now!) with the stress of it. I've even been so upset that I start seeing stars, which I'm sure is not good. The most positive thing is that LO has been so sweet in not giving me pregnancy symptoms lately (*major knocking on wood*) so that's one less thing to cope with as I'm going through the hardest month/decision of my life.

And to top it all off, I'm with @Jens_Hoes and @BabyMC517 in not having anything ready for the baby. We have exactly *one* small laundry basket full of stuff that's been handed down to us, mostly newborn diapers. Our shower invitations are going out in a few days and I've barely started the registry. Plus our one-bedroom apartment (where we'll be staying since we're likely moving by the end of the year) needs a major purge of stuff before we can think about setting up for the baby, and the ceiling is peeling off in multiple places...it's definitely a sh!tshow over here!

rkstro2 · March 2017

@L1C4gal that's a tough situation! We have been in the opposite scenario: I am portable as my job is the same here as it is anywhere and DH has a more specific job. We took a job for him in a town I wasn't thrilled to move to and didn't have a ton of awesome prospects for me but I wanted him to have that career chance. I took a job there and it ended up being a horrible job and I worked there for 3 years. Then luckily I found a job I love in the same geographic location. So now we have been here 5 years.

Are there still times when I dislike the area? Yes. But I have learned to adapt and have made some great friends. Does he still have guilt about moving us to this area? Yes even though i don't see the situation like that at all because WE made the decision to move here together. It has ended up being a good move for us both and his career has advanced and we have made a life here and are starting our little family here. We've always tried to think to ourselves that if we are together everything will work out and so far even with bumps in the road is has! We have both made sacrifices and that's part of being a family. I hope you guys can make the right decision for you!

kat81 · March 2017

@L1C4gal I saw your post and I was like, "wait is this the academic?" Yes it is!

As someone in your industry/job function, I can offer the following. Well, first of all, congratulations. I know what you mean about "opportunities like this don't come up often!" Now for the advice. Do you have any other prospects still in the pipeline, like other upcoming interviews, or other places you've interviewed that might yet offer you the job (even if you weren't the first choice?) If so, try to delay this place as long as possible. Keep negotiations active, don't commit to anything until you get the written offer, etc. It sucks doing that, but you might need to.

If you really need to make the decision now/soon, then yes you are right to consider your husband. When you're choosing a permanent job you're choosing the entire life--his job, the location, the schools for your children, the community, etc. I found that location ended up trumping some other job stuff eventually. HOWEVER, especially if you are an R1-type person, most people don't go to their first job as their final job. I'm more of a liberal arts person and STILL switched jobs after 3 years in, because we wanted the perfect location and there were some issues with the school at my first job (though I feel like we moved to a very similar school with similar issues, just our first choice location in all other ways.) If this job is the type of one with lots of startup funds, grad students / postdocs, resources, light teaching load in the first few years, etc, then it might be worth it to take it with the idea that you'll leave if DH doesn't love the place. It's so much easier to apply for jobs once you have one than when you're scrambling for one.

All of this said, you seem like a strong candidate who would have success (more of it!) in a future search, e.g. after a postdoc or something like that. So I guess I'm not telling you what to do either way, but 3 years in this imperfect location could be perfect for the long term for your family.

L1C4gal · March 2017

@rkstro2 Thanks for sharing your experience! I'm glad that things eventually worked out for you, even though it took some time. You're a great partner for taking that leap!

I really think things would be similar for us--even if he doesn't get an ideal job and isn't thrilled with the situation right off the bat, I have a feeling it would work out and we would adapt. I just worry that he isn't going to give it a fair shot. He's already talking about renting rather than buying, not putting down roots, staying home with the kid rather than looking for a job that's similar to what he really loves here, etc. (And apparently telling him that I want him to give it a real shot wasn't the right thing to say, because he feels like agreeing to move there (even though we haven't decided 100%) IS the definition of giving it a real shot...fair point!) He admitted that he was probably being too pessimistic, so I think we're just going to have to take it one step at a time. He's made a lot of sacrifices over the years so I could pursue this career, so I understand that making another one isn't easy and I need to give him time.

Thanks again!

L1C4gal · March 2017

@kat81 Thanks for remembering me and sharing your advice! It's so hard to explain the geographic constraints of an academic career (especially/currently to in-laws!)...sometimes I wonder why the heck I chose this, but I can't imagine doing anything else!

I applied very selectively this year since I do have another year of funding in my fellowship if I choose to stick around. I had another interview invitation but ended up turning it down since it would be much less ideal from a geographic standpoint, and we're having such a hard time with this one as it is. I have one other application in the pipeline that is actually at the university in our hometown, but their process is really late and won't line up with the current offer (which I've had for 3.5 weeks now).

The university where I have the offer is an R1 and is a top-three ranked program in my field, so it would be great in terms of resources, quality of students/RAs, seed funding, etc. And if we didn't end up loving it, it would be a great starting point. So it really is the obvious choice from the perspective of my career, which my husband definitely recognizes. I could instead round out the last year of my fellowship to let him have more time at his new job (although it would really only be a difference of ~6 months since the offering university agreed to a delayed start date) and to make our first year with the baby a bit more relaxed, but we have no idea what the market will be like next year. The other elephant in the room is that there will be a position opening up in my current department at some point in the relatively near future...although I don't know when and I don't know how they will view an internal candidate (academic incest and all!), so it's a risk. So many uncertainties!

I appreciate your input, including thoughts about moving universities--your experiences and the idea that it's easier to get a job once you already have one. That makes me feel better. Now the thought of finishing my dissertation a semester early with a new baby around...that's a crushing worry for another day

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