Mental Health Monday Check-in Week 2/27

jess0211 · February 2017

***This thread has a general trigger warning! Idea stolen from a BMB... This post can be replied to at any time during the week! Not limited to those with a diagnosis, but please be sensitive others. We will attempt to be as flame free as possible!***

How are you doing? Feel free to share a gif, pic, or meme that helps you

bswishe4 · February 2017

I have been debating how/where to jump back in and this may be the best place to start. I am back! As much as I missed you ladies I prayed this would not be the case. I am guessing I don't need a *TW* because of the general one, but loss is mentioned, so I wanted to start with that just in case. After being here for about a year we finally moved over. As of 2/1 we are back to the drawing board. I still have to wait for my body to have a regular period so we can figure out where we are and will be trying again hopefully April/May. Our loss was only at 8 weeks so my OB gave the go ahead at a month after my first regular period. I understand a lot of women here have it way worse than this and I should not even complain but it is difficult to keep that in perspective at times. I know a lot of you, but look forward to getting to know more as the months continue. I apologize that this seems more like a diary entry but I didn't really know where to get back in since I will be sitting out TWW and WTO until my body gets on track.

heatherdubrow · February 2017

@bswishe4 I'm sorry you're back here. And I'm so sorry for your loss.

bswishe4 · February 2017

@heatherdubrow Thank you I have been debating getting back on for a week or so and figured it was time.

JulesDP · February 2017

@bswishe4 So sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry to see you back here - this thread is the perfect place for you to jump in again.

MJDsquared · February 2017

I'm so sorry, @bswishe4

KristoKekerooni · February 2017

@bswishe4 - so, so sorry for your loss. But please, none of this "some have it worse" thing. Everyone's pain matters, no matter who may or may not have it worse or better. It's okay to struggle and it's okay to complain. A loss, no matter when it occurred, is traumatic. I hope you can find comfort here, and I hope you won't be here long.

As for me, I don't normally post on here... but I guess maybe I should. I feel like I am playing a super dangerous game with myself.
After trying for so long, with all the losses in that time, I had given up hope. I stopped crying when AF showed up. I stopped peeing on things. I hadn't take a PT in like a year. No hope. It's just easier that way, you know?

Image: https://media0.giphy.com/media/SW7WoaHPYukLu/giphy.gif

There's no "drop" when you never got high on hope in the first place. And then the SA came back and we are "normal." in terms of number and now the hope is outta control. We still have DNA issues, so we still have issues, but I keep going back and forth between "We have enough sperm!!!!" to "But most of them suck..." so it's a constant battle.

I have so much hope and it's a scary thing. It's been so long and I don't know if I can handle the up and down roller-coaster again...
I'm terrified of the crash. But as they say....

Image: https://mothership.sg/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/hope-snow.gif

And I am kind of pissed off about it. I'd rather be afraid and then protected when AF shows up then hope and hate myself for getting my hopes up again.

Anyway. I guess here we are. Right in the front cart of the big scary roller-coaster. Headed first into the drop of despair.

Image: https://wendyduffield.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/coaster.gif

so how does this thread work. because I totally DD this entire thing...

heatherdubrow · February 2017

@KristoKekerooni I understand not wanting to hope. Big hugs to you.

Tennis11785 · February 2017

bswishe4 - It's not about whose pain is worse. It's all real. Your feelings are valid and this is a safe space. We're all on a journey and here to support each other.

magnolia131 · February 2017

@bswishe4 I'm so sorry for your loss. Like @KristoKekerooni said, please don't feel like you have to apologize for your grief or compare it to others. You are entitled to feel every bit of your emotions without any regard for what others might think of it. Again, I'm very sorry that you are going through this.

@KristoKekerooni I could be in the minority but think this is by far the most appropriate thread for a DDish entry- FWIW, I think they sometimes make things a little more real for other people to open up as well. I personally can relate to the disconnect and being afraid to jump in to seeking solutions because of how all consuming things might become as a result. I once read a quote in a webinar I attended that said that hope was the reality of what we wish to see and that fear was its shadow, which feels relevant to your post. I don't really have any advice to give but just wanted to offer my support and say that while no two situations are the same, that I can somewhat empathize with your emotions. Hugs.

KristoKekerooni · February 2017

@magnolia131 - Oh wow, I love that- "hope was the reality of what we wish to see and that fear was its shadow"
It articulates this whole thing I am feeling exactly.
Thank you!
And thanks for your commiseration. I'm certain I am not alone in trying to find the delicate balance between hope and fear.

bswishe4 · February 2017

@KristoKekerooni I love you. Your post pretty much sums up the excitement/fear I think most of us get monthly. P.S. your GIFs are amazing!

AlohaKumu · February 2017

@bswishe4 I am so sorry for your loss. The sadness, frustration, and setbacks are very much our own and so very real, regardless of our individual journeys. I don't remember who said it, but on one of the boards, someone wrote that this process isn't the grief Olympics. That phrase has helped me to put everything in perspective as we've tried to grapple with our situation.

@KristoKekerooni I know I'm a super-optimistic person by nature, but even I sometimes feel like losing hope. I think the roller coaster image is a great way to sum up those feelings. I know it can be hard to be let down so many times, but my wish for you is that you can have a good balance of hope and realism so that all your hope is not lost!

I'm not sure how to feel this morning. DH is meeting with his specialist in about 2 hours to go over the results of his additional testing for his zero sperm count. I know that some families get great news at these meetings and eventually go on to conceiving naturally through medication or surgery, but I'm also so scared that we are going to be told that there's no chance for us. I know that getting a donor wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but gosh darn it, my husband is so great that I want to make a person with him! (I can also feel my 34th birthday starting to tick up and it's making me anxious.) I realize that the doc is probably just going to order more testing today, which means more months of waiting, not knowing a reason for the diagnosis. I want to know already! I just need strength to be patient. If we find out that there's hope for him getting some swimmers, it would make me so happy and I feel like it would be easier to be patient knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so thankful these boards are here since I would be absolutely bananas in pajamas without all of you.

KristoKekerooni · February 2017

Haha, thanks @bswishe4 . I think a lot of us here can relate to the stupid roller coaster. I think for me what makes it so debilitating is that I had stepped of the coaster for so long. I mean, I was still TTC and giving it my all, but the hope was gone, so the rollercoaster was gone too. Now that I am back on it, it's so much scarier than I remember it.

@AlohaKumu thanks for your well-wishes. I wish the same for you. I can't imagine how scary it is to hear "zero," but hopefully the cause can be narrowed down and you can find some good sperm somewhere in there. Amazing people should make babies, period. I am so with you. It's hard when it seems to be impossible. Hold your head up girl.

hartmich · February 2017

@kristokekerooni I think hope is the only thing that gives us the push to keep going... so as much as I don't want it (like you, I'd rather just not have any expectations and stop getting so upset when AF shows up every month), I think it's necessary. Otherwise, I'd have no will to get testing done or start treatments, etc. What would be great is if I could keep the level of hope reasonable... is this even possible? If you figure it out, let us know.

@bswishe4 Others have already said what I'm thinking, but you're not alone here and feel free to have all the feelings.

@alohakumu I was just discussing patience with someone IRL... I told her that she needs to find some so she can help me through this process haha because I just don't have it. I am tired of waiting for these appointments just to be told "ok schedule XYZ test and then we'll see." I just want answers, people! Answers, and then a plan. I have yet to find the answer on what keeps me distracted but I try to just take it one day at a time, rather than thinking "okay in 3/4/5 months we'll be doing this and I'll feel better" because that just overwhelms me and seems too far away!

AlohaKumu · February 2017

Yep, it's official. Time for more waiting. I'm going to write more in the infertility forum since now I have additional questions.

icecubeinthedesert · February 2017

***TW, losses mentioned***

@bswishe4 I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I'm just a PM away if you ever need someone to talk to.

@KristoKekerooni, I know we're going through very different things, but I feel what you mean about getting indifferent to the process and compartmentalizing the emotion where you don't need to deal with it (or a least that's what I read between the lines). It's really difficult not knowing when our time will be and trying to be excited about it too.

As for me, I'm having a hard time still being in limbo. I'm not really emotional about this second loss anymore, I just want it over with. Waiting for this to happen naturally is in many ways keeping my mind in a bad place when I'm really ready to move on. I'm trying to keep myself busy with work, but don't want to do that in an unhealthy way either. There's just so much worry in this waiting that I just end up thinking about worst case scenarios for why this is happening. My scientist mind is trying to cope with the worry and uncertainty by learning as much as I can, but I'm just realizing how uncertain the field is, which doesn't really help.

KristoKekerooni · February 2017

@icecubeinthedesert - Nail on the head there.... That's it exactly. I need to feel like I am moving forward in order to feel sane. At any point where I feel stalled I flip out, so I have to numb myself, I guess? And like you said, I have done SO. MUCH. RESEARCH. and A, there is nothing out there and B, What I do find is not helpful. My H uses the term "obsessed" and he isn't wrong. I can't remember what the hell I thought about or what we talked about pre-TTC.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I can empathize with just wanting to move on and be done. It's a horrible limbo to be in, just waiting.

Tennis11785 · February 2017

icecubeinthedesert said:

*SNIP*

As for me, I'm having a hard time still being in limbo. I'm not really emotional about this second loss anymore, I just want it over with. Waiting for this to happen naturally is in many ways keeping my mind in a bad place when I'm really ready to move on. I'm trying to keep myself busy with work, but don't want to do that in an unhealthy way either. There's just so much worry in this waiting that I just end up thinking about worst case scenarios for why this is happening. My scientist mind is trying to cope with the worry and uncertainty by learning as much as I can, but I'm just realizing how uncertain the field is, which doesn't really help.

@icecubeinthedesert - I think this hits the nail on the head. When you know what's coming and you need to wait for it, it feels like it just drags on and you can't fully process until it's over. It was one of the most frustrating aspects of my loss - the waiting. I had to wait 8 weeks, and so while I had processed everything, I couldn't get over that last hump until the loss actually happened. I wanted to move on, but you can't when you're body physically hasn't moved on yet.

dragonfly87-2 · March 2017

I was trying to be reasonably optimistic this cycle since I just had my first normal AF post loss. Well, not feeling so great because I am literally producing no CM. I am in my typical FW and should O in the next few days and it's dry no matter how much I check and how much water I consume. WTF body. This has me in a state of being depressed about TTC overall and getting tired of timed HIO. I know it's only cycle 6, so I don't have a reason to be so bummed...

I did take one step to improve mental health...I got off Facebook. With multiple pregnancy and birth announcements in the past few weeks, I couldn't handle it anymore.

ETA: decided to do an opk before bed..it was positive. FML, how can I not have any CM right now?!?!

jsnakehole · March 2017

I'm having a mild panic attack right now- it turns out that there are 38 possible genetic diseases and disorders that Ashkenazi Jews (which DH and I both are) can carry. Some rabbis are refusing to marry couples who don't get genetic testing so they're at least aware of their status. Neither of us are carriers for Tay-Sachs, but now I'm worried about everything else. I feel like DH is going to think I'm insane, but I think I might pay $150 to have genetic testing done. And freak out until I get my results.

heatherdubrow · March 2017

@jsnakehole I think that's really smart of you. Why not? I think it's always better to have information.

@dragonfly87 good call on getting off facebook

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