First pregnancy and loss.. how to cope

laurenjt808 · January 2017

I went in for my 12 week appointment on 1/19. What should of been one of the happiest days ended up being one of the most painful. I had an ultrasound and all that we saw was the gestational sac. It took some time to process the fact that there was no baby. I felt pregnant but there was nothing there. The doctor explained that it was most likely a missed miscarriage. Sometimes a miscarriage occurs but the body hasn't recognized it. I was told to come back in a week. When I returned, my miscarriage was confirmed. I had 3 options: to miscarry naturally, medically induce a miscarriage, or D&C. I'm terrified of being put under anesthesia so I asked for the misoprostol. I wasn't really spotting or bleeding and I wanted this ordeal to be over with.

This past Tuesday, I took the misoprostol. Within 30 minutes I started getting cramps and some bleeding. The cramps intensified and then large clots started to come out. That night was painful but taking some Motrin help. I'm still having cramps and some bleeding but the pain is manageable. I'm hopeful that everything will pass and I can start again.

This is my first pregnancy and I'm having a hard time coping with my loss. My husband and I are eager to start again but at the same time I'm scared. I'm nervous about another MC..I want to get pregnant again and I know that if I do, I'll be worried about that baby. Will I always be worried and just have to hope for the best. When can I breathe a little easier? I can't wait for the day that I can hold my baby in my arms. --If anyone has any advice or tips on wanting to conceive after an MC, it is greatly appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.

justsuzie · January 2017

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You will be able to breathe a little easier after you grieve. Everyone grieves differently so do it however it works for you.

Personally, it took me about a month after my loss to not cry everyday. After 2 months I could make it through most of the day without thinking about the loss. After 4 months I was close to being back to my normal self. I still think about the loss and what happened and it's tough but I can cope. I didn't think I would ever get to the point where it didn't hurt but I think that now I can accept what happened and move forward in the tcc process.

As for future pregnancies I am going to be hopefully optimistic but not naive. I think if I chose how I am going to feel and practice thinking that way I will be in a better place mentally. For me, getting healthy has really helped me take control. Since my loss I have joined a gym to get all my nervous energy out and it has helped me physically and emotionally. I also found a doctor that was able to come up with a plan for me to ttc again. Good luck to you.

NYTino24 · January 2017

@laurenjt808 I'm sorry for your loss. I just had a MC at 8w on 1/8. Baby measured almost two weeks behind when I was bleeding and I saw a HB before things got worse later that night. Talking to others IRL helped me a lot because people were so supportive and allowed me to grieve without having to go on like life hadn't changed. I'm mostly done crying (hopefully) and my hormones have leveled out. We were benched this cycle and ovulating really helped me see that this cycle is normal again, so I'm not afraid of having to wait a long time to TTC again. You will know when your body and mind are ready. My advice is to use a BBT to temp, do OPKs, and check CM / CP. Join us on TTCAL when you are ready and check out the Vitamin / Supplement discussion. We are here for you!

splashmountain · January 2017

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice as I haven't figured it all out myself yet. Good luck

laurenjt808 · January 2017

Thank you all for your kind words. I've been crying everyday since I found out. Talking about it In this community has helped and also reading about others experiences gives me hope. I'm trying to give myself little milestones so that I have something to look forward to. I hope I'll feel better after the bleeding from this miscarriage is done. From there I'll look forward to a normal cycle... and hopefully TTC again.

amu1234 · January 2017

Hi @laurenjt808 I am so sorry that you find yourself here and for the grief you feel with this loss! I am in the midst of my 3rd m/c. My first was back in 2011 due to a blighted ovum. That would have been our first baby. I cried, threw things, screamed, and punched the couch for quite some time after the loss. I was fortunate enough to get pregnant immediately after my hormones leveled out, and I think I may have held my breath the entire 1st trimester. I gave birth to a healthy rainbow DD.

Unfortunately those of us on this board are forever changed courtesy of our losses. When we finally get our sticky rainbow baby we straddle the fence between excitement & fear, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. While more often than not the shoe doesn't drop, it's hard to fight those feelings. This doesn't mean though that we never try again. It simply means that we are that much stronger and capable.

laurenjt808 · January 2017

Thank you @amu1234 for that! I really needed to hear that. I've been praying for strength to get through this MC and to try again. I know I'll always be scared but the blessing of having a baby in my arms will hopefully make my struggles worth it. That feeling of being a mother, although short, is something I'll always keep with me and I can't wait to experience that again.

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

I am so sorry for your loss. It's important for you to know that having only 1 miscarriage doesnt reduce your chances for a subsequent live birth. Hang in there.

Uhlease13 · January 2017

I'm sorry for your loss. like pp have said, this is something that will forever change you, but things do get easier as time goes on. I still think A LOT about my losses, and the first one was over a year ago. I am also hoping that when I have my rainbow baby that I will be able to create happy memories instead of the sad and painful memories that go along with my miscarriages. I think the hope outweighs the fear, and I hope you will feel the same when you're ready. Sending you hugs.

Amanda1443994 · January 2017

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my first pregnancy in December as well. It was a missed miscarriage--I went for a routine checkup at 9 weeks and the baby no longer had a heartbeat. It had stopped only a few days prior and we had previously seen a strong heartbeat on an ultrasound. It took me over a month to not cry about it everyday but I still think about it daily. We found out the cause which brought me some peace, but unfortunately I don't think it's something we'll ever get over. It will probably taint all future pregnancies as well, but I will tell you it gets better in time. I had to have a d&c and had to wait 1 cycle to ttc again but now that we have started trying the hope of a new pregnancy also brings me some comfort. Best of luck to you.

cinderin · February 2017

I am sorry for your loss.

listen to your OB about when to try again. mine said we could right away and we did (m/c between 6 and 7 weeks).

I don't think you'll ever "not be scared" again. at least, I am. friends have said the same. doesn't mean that you won't have a sucessful PG or won't be happy to be PG or have a baby, just means you'll always be worried. at least, that's how it's been for me. but just because things are hard doesn't mean they aren't worth doing. they are. and it doesn't mean we can't do them, we can. it's just not easy. :-(

schnitz9 · February 2017

Siggy Warning and living child mentioned

@laurenjt808 I am so sorry for you loos and that you've had to join this board. This is not a board that any of us ever wanted to join. I suffered 2 early MC before a successful pregnancy with my son who will be 2 on valentines day. There wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't terrified by everything. About a year or so ago we decided we wanted to try for number 2. We were overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant in aug. Went in for my appt and numbers were doubling. About 2 weeks after we found out I started bleeding and found out that I was having a MC. We were devastated. The doc followed my HCG down to under 5 and told me that since I was able to pass the pregnancy naturally were could try again as soon as my cycle came back. We went on vacation and thought nothing of it. I went in about a month or so after my MC because I thought I had a UTI and it turned out that I was pregnant again. I was shocked to say the least. It turned out I ovulated on vacation and we never knew because my period never came back. I ended up pregnant about 3 weeks after my MC. I would recommend doing whatever you feel comfortable with. There is no wrong decision in your case. The only reason my doc recommended to wait til my cycle returned was for easy dating of a pregnancy. It was tough at first had to have 2 dating scans to get a correct date and in that time there was a lot of nail biting. This fri I will be 24 weeks with our 2nd little boy and I've been terrified the entire pregnancy. Don't think that feeling will go away until he's in my arms healthy. Do not feel discouraged. Many others have given you their experiences along with my own. So many women go on to have perfectly normal pregnancies after a MC. I wish you all the luck in the future and hope to see you on a BMB soon....

bethe-2 · February 2017

My husband & I discovered we were pregnant for the very first time a week before Xmas (married 6 yrs... so we were Very excited) & on Jan 8 I started Bleeding, miscarraige confirmed. I only made it 7 weeks 2 days. Its been 4 weeks tomorrow & I am Just seeing the begining of a period. My husband & I talked about when to try again & we decided to wait a few mos, maybe May or June. I need time emotionally & he is Terriffied of me getting hurt if we concieve before my body is ready. I know it's Hell right now & I won't pretend to know whats best for you... but I would just say to listen for your heart & body to both send you the message that your ready. I hope when the time is right you guys have a Healthy, fufilling pregnancy & bring a Beautiful baby into this world.

rklinge0 · February 2017

I am so sorry for your loss.
I think after anything that is tramautic your life will always be changed.
TW-LC mentioned
I know personally after my 1st pregnancy my life was changed forever and I no longer lived as carefree as I was. She was born with a birth diagnosis of T21 and an unknown heart condition (wasn't picked up on numerous u/s).
End tw
This personally affected me before I had the m/c and now add the fear of another miscarriage, when we get ku again I don't think I won't be anxious until the baby is delivered.
On ttc if you feel you aren't ready than take some time off. I am taking about 9 months for personal reasons.

GhanimaAtreides · February 2017

I'm very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, the whole reason why we have separate PGAL groups and check-ins is because we can never un-know loss and the risk is more tangible and no longer something abstract that happens to other people. Maybe after a rainbow baby, I can hope to have a sembalence of that naïveté back, but it will never be what it was before loss.

Everyone's "I can finally relax and enjoy the rest" point is different. For some, it's getting past the point of the previous loss, for others it's the first ultrasound with a heartbeat, others still the end of the first trimester, for others the anatomy scan, still some don't breathe easy until they are holding a confirmed healthy baby. Mine is totally arbitrary: 17 weeks. Because I've personally known several 14-16wk loss mothers, so it's close to home even if I personally haven't lost one that far in.

Everyone deals differently. Plus each loss is different. I've had 5 total, 4 in the last 2 years. One time I had a life-threatening complication, went into overdrive trying to seem fine and holding it together for the first 3 weeks after (my go-to coping mechanism as an INTJ with avoidant attachment style), planning on TTCing asap before the full gravity of what I went through hit and I had a nervous breakdown. I requested my Paraguard back for a full 6 month break. Took 4 months of that in therapy before my psychologist discharged me and taking Ativan as needed for panic attacks.

With my 2 chemicals, I had really ambivalent feelings because I was thankful it "wasn't as bad as the other one", I wasn't further along, and because loss wasn't new to me I hadn't really become attached/secure in the idea of being pregnant. If anything, I feel guilty I wasn't more emotional over them.

This time was an ectopic I was forced to terminate; which sucks because it was growing perfectly after 3 spontaneous losses, but was *three millimeters* too close to the tube. At the same time, I would have either permanently damaged my fertility if I delayed, or worse, died myself. Either way, a happy ending for baby was never in the cards, so again I'm struggling more with ambivalence. I'm also medically benched from TTC for 3 months minimum. It's frustrating, but the added loss/birth defect risk isn't worth it.

You will know what seems right for you. Sometimes that's TTCing as soon as your doctor clears you. Other times it can take months or years to be ok with the idea of trying.

There is NO wrong way to grieve.

There is NO wrong way to cope.

There is NO wrong way to choose to move past or never doing so.

rainbowwishes5 · February 2017

@GhanimaAtreides voice of reason

you always have the best things to say

laurenjt808 · February 2017

Thank you ladies! It's been quite some time since I visited this post. Since then, I went through 2 rounds of misoprostol because I still had some tissue in my uterus. I ended up having to do a D&C this past Friday to get the rest of the tissue out. It's been an exhausting and painful journey and I'm hoping to finally be done with this MC and wait for AF to arrive. I've been bleeding/spotting for a total of 4 weeks and I can't wait for it to stop. Supposedly I can continue to "spot" for a week or more. The bleeding isn't heavy but it is accompanied with some mild cramps. Did any of you ladies bleed for weeks like this? I go back to the doctor's for my 2 week followup. She told me that if all looks well, my husband and I can TTC after my first normal cycle. I'm crossing my fingers that I finally get some good news. Each weekly visit leading up to the D&C was to tell me I still had tissue in my uterus and that I either needed meds or that I had to "wait and see" if it would come out on its own.

I am heartily sorry for hearing about your losses. I cannot thank you enough though for sharing your stories with me. It helps to not feel so alone in all of this and it gives me hope. When my husband and I decided to start growing our family (we just got married this past June), no one ever told us about the challenges of conceiving and loss. In fact, the thought of a MC didn't really cross my mind because I was going through the motions of pregnancy symptoms. Those symptoms didn't go away until I started misoprostol. This experience gives me a greater appreciation for the struggles mothers endure and it taught me just how strong women are-- and also the partners in our lives! It's been tough getting through the day trying to act "normal" but inside I'm struggling. My husband has been really supportive and event though I see he's hurting, I appreciate all of his effort to ensure my comfort through all of this. I think a lot of the struggle is trying to get through this MC. I'm taking it day by day and also by what the doctor recommends. If she gives us the green light, I'm hoping to try as soon as my body is physically ready and also, that my husband and I are emotionally ready.

Sending you ladies hugs and prayers! Even though I'm struggling now, I pray that all of this will be blessings in the making--and that we all will have our rainbow babies.

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