Introduction & Angst TW: Child & MC

irmom · January 2017

Hello. I joined the boards awhile back but haven't been very active. I made an intro in the general TTC board then realized I probably fit it more here...

Ages (you and SO): SO is 42. I am 40.

*TW*

How many months have you been TTC? About a year. I had a MC this June at 8 weeks and opted for D&C.

What are you doing to get knocked up (WAYDTGKU)?

HIO during fertile window & beyond
Tracking with Clue app & Fertility Friend app
OPT
BBT - which is useless. My temp seems to be all over the place.
HRT (Clomid) - This month only. Just can't afford more than one chance at it.

Tell us about yourself! (Kids, pets, job, hobbies, etc.) SO & I met when I was in college, but didn't reconnect or start dating until our mid-30s. He has full custody of his 13 yo daughter. She has informed us that people our age should not be having babies because "it's gross," but she has half-siblings from her mom, is great with babies and little kids, and likes to talk about how much fun it would be to have another little sibling even though, "you will probably die soon! You're just so old!"

We also have three female cats (two black, one blue-cream) who all hate each other.

***

I am having a rough month. Possibly because of the super fun hormones, but also I've been feeling conflicted. I had waited to have a child until I found a decent partner (which I found!) and primarily waited until I was financially comfortable enough to provide all the things I would have liked... a big yard, lessons and maybe, lottery willing, Montessori school. Maybe actually afford to pay my child's college tuition so they wouldn't be paying off debt for 20 years like I had to. Then 40 rolled around and I realized I was never going to afford any of those things. In fact, we have a very hard time making ends meet each month. We are going without groceries this month to pay for the Ultrasound & Clomid. But it's now or never, so we've been trying.

I feel selfish for wanting to have a child even though I never made it to the middle class dream. Especially with the economy so uncertain. And I feel too old. Like I missed my chance. Even if we succeed in conceiving, is it selfish of us? Would we be energetic enough to chase after a toddler all day? I don't have a support system or peers because all of my friends have kids in high school or college. So I keep all of these doubts and fears bottled up.

Okay, it's probably a lot to do with the HRT this month. But... um... yeah... anybody else having these doubts?

vlagrl29 · January 2017

Welcome! Is clomid expensive? Never taken it. I think a lot of AMA women feel they are too old but really you're not. I'm 36 a little bit younger than you but even girls my age feel they are too old. Its all a mental thing I think. I've never felt healthier than this point in my life.

artemis618 · January 2017

Hi and welcome

. I'll be 40 this year and DH will be 42. We met when we were 37 and 39 - really glad I didn't settle (not to say that others did - just specific to my situation) but I also kick myself from time to time for letting so much time go by. Don't get me wrong, I've had a blast in my 30s, but after (TW: loss mentioned) after my first pregnancy effectively "cost" us four months (lost at almost 12 weeks), the time pressure feels even more real. Like if one out of ten of my eggs is good, I don't exactly have time to go thru 8 more miscarriages at that rate. Neither DH nor I has kids (yet!) so it makes me feel even worse that he could have given up a chance to have kids by picking me instead of someone younger

I am lucky that my insurance thru work (I think - they denied my first prior authorization request) is supposed to cover two cycles of IVF so we're going that route a lot for the screening opportunity.

As far as your selfish question - my personal opinion is that it's inherently selfish to want to have kids. Not that I'm judgy about or think there's anything wrong with that - I want it too. But realistically, the species will survive if I don't procreate. DH is a marathoner and has tons of energy, but I admit sometimes the thought of chasing little kids around makes me tired. But it will be worth it for all of us

I'm sorry you're having a rough time - I'm feeling pretty affected by hormones myself lately - on OCP suppression for one more week and the RE has me on AndroGel because I'm old and I feel positively BSC some days. Hang in there and good luck!

Momifbysea · January 2017

Welcome to the group! I'm 42 so you're not the oldest!

I know what you mean about maybe having doubts with feeling too old, I've had them and sometimes still do, but I like to think those years will just lend me more experience should we conceive again. Thank you for your honesty and I hope this board can be a support to you! And of course, I pray your stay here is short.

irmom · January 2017

vlagrl29 said:

Welcome! Is clomid expensive? Never taken it. I think a lot of AMA women feel they are too old but really you're not. I'm 36 a little bit younger than you but even girls my age feel they are too old. Its all a mental thing I think. I've never felt healthier than this point in my life.

** TW for MC. **

Thank you. The Rx I got was for 5 pills and it was way less expensive than they had told me it would be. Perhaps this was because it was generic. My pharmacist had a coupon for it so it came to only $10. But the clinic insists on doing an ultrasound before prescribing to rule out any problems. That was about $200 and I thought they would bill me and I could pay it in installments as I had done for my MC in June. I knew that my insurance would not pay for any infertility treatments or exams, so it would be out of pocket, but was not expecting them to require payment up front for the ultrasound. So that was not fun. I am anemic, so when I had my MC, I opted for the D&C surgery to minimize risk of bleeding. It was most definitely the best decision for me at the time but man, it cost a few thousand dollars... so I'm still paying that off. So money is super tight. They said I'd have to do an ultrasound each month to continue on Clomid if nothing happens this month, but I can't swing that much extra each month. I've just got my fingers crossed that this is our month. If nothing happens, then we'll go back to doing the old fashioned way. But I turn 41 in the spring and at that point, I think we will have to throw in the towel.

As for feeling young, sometimes, I feel great. But then other days, my back hurts and my joints ache and I say, "What the heck do you think you're doing?"

irmom · January 2017

artemis618 said:

Hi and welcome . I'll be 40 this year and DH will be 42. We met when we were 37 and 39 - really glad I didn't settle (not to say that others did - just specific to my situation) but I also kick myself from time to time for letting so much time go by. Don't get me wrong, I've had a blast in my 30s, but after (TW: loss mentioned) after my first pregnancy effectively "cost" us four months (lost at almost 12 weeks), the time pressure feels even more real. Like if one out of ten of my eggs is good, I don't exactly have time to go thru 8 more miscarriages at that rate. Neither DH nor I has kids (yet!) so it makes me feel even worse that he could have given up a chance to have kids by picking me instead of someone younger

Yes. Exactly. Thank you so much. Our situations are pretty similar and that actually is kind of comforting. I've felt pretty alone in this whole thing.

irmom · January 2017

Momifbysea said:

Welcome to the group! I'm 42 so you're not the oldest! I know what you mean about maybe having doubts with feeling too old, I've had them and sometimes still do, but I like to think those years will just lend me more experience should we conceive again. Thank you for your honesty and I hope this board can be a support to you! And of course, I pray your stay here is short.

Thank you!

vlagrl29 · January 2017

@Fela - sorry for all this out of pocket expenses. I have heard that if you don't have the insurance coverage they expect you to pay it all and not have the luxury of medical payments. Just FYI if you ever get anything done in a hospital you can apply for financial assistance. I've had to do it once and got 50% discount. Needing an U/S for clomid - I've never heard of that. My OB suggested it as a possibility before I was pregnancy in DEC with the CP. She only mentioned checking the progesterone every month. It's probably good they do extra monitoring on you while on it.

liljoy-2 · January 2017

@Fela So sorry you are here and feeling this way. Most of us over 35 (and with infertility) are in the same boat, same thoughts. In terms of selfishness and energy questions, nah. Don't feel that way, it is innate, the desire to have kids. It is good from many points of view. Energy comes along when you have someone to look after, at least that's what I hope. Many more women nowadays have kids after 36, and mostly with medical help.
Clomid, letrozole are not very expensive and yes, you need US to monitor while on them to rule out cysts and overstimulation in very rare cases. I've done lots of research and I'm also on the infertility board where there's more info (been through IUI, IVF, etc). It seems that IVF is out of the question for you due to costs, but I'd say try to research IUI with some injectible FSH such as Gonal-f instead of Clomid. The chances are a bit higher than just Clomid at 40 because you make more than one follicle so the difference in price may be worth it. How I see it, it's better to give it all and try even if we fail than live with the regret the rest of our lives.

irmom · January 2017

@bestofjoy Good info. Thanks! I just got my CD21 blood test results back and progesterone is 15.5. Fingers crossed!

vlagrl29 · January 2017

@Fela - that's good progesterone level right?

irmom · January 2017

vlagrl29 said:

@Fela - that's good progesterone level right?

I guess? They say above 15 is good. So I'll take the 15.5. I worry that maybe they should have been able to tell if I was pregnant at CD21 (I thought I had read that somewhere) but they didn't tell me anything like that. They just said to HPT on Saturday. The fact that maybe they would know by now but didn't say because I must not be is stuck in the back of my mind.

vlagrl29 · January 2017

I'm going to get my CD21 check in Feb and I'm interested as to what that is I just suck at patience because I'd be able to get it done this month except of my CP so they want to wait another month.

liljoy-2 · January 2017

Regarding Gonal-F or Follistim injections for IUI, some ladies on the IF board said you can apply for compassionate use directly with the pharma companies and they give a discount. Worth looking into, and maybe the RE knows these options as well and can advise.
After having been on this IF carrousel for quite some time now, I believe IUI with injectibles is the best bet if IVF is not an option. Even IUIs have a very low probability, especially after 40 or if dealing with infertility (TTC for more than 6 mo), though, but worth trying I think.

laurad75 · January 2017

Hi and welcome @Fela. I will be 42 this summer and was recently married last spring. We started TTC right away but I have low AMH so its been challenging so far. We are starting our first IVF try this cycle.

While over 35 isn't an ideal time to TTC, science is on our side...but treatment is so expensive. I am lucky that our insurance covers almost everything but it will still likely cost us a significant amount with co-pays and when we exhaust our meds cap. I would recommend doing some research on programs that assist patients without IVF coverage (Winfertility is one that comes to mind). There are resources out there but you have to do your homework.

irmom · January 2017

I took a HPT this morning, at four days before (anticipated) AF. It was negative. Now I'm just despondent.

I was so hopeful for this month. I did the HRT, my partner and I had a great time trying... it was the best chance. The due date/birth month if it had worked this month would have fit just perfectly with my work schedule, without a lot of other clutter on the calendar around it. I really wanted to avoid a due date in Nov-Mar, because late winter/spring it's such a frantic time for me. Fall/early winter is a lull period. October would have been the perfect time. Plus, I had sort of been thinking of giving up after this month or at least to not try past a birth date in 2017. I'm trying to be practical here. My step-daughter is going to high school next year. I'm feeling pretty old. It's starting to get awkward.

Maybe I'm jumping the gun. Maybe there's still a chance of a positive HPT in a few days. But if not this month, then unless I figure out how to do more HRT and deal with a less optimal birth date should things actually work out in the next couple months, this may be the last hurrah for me.

vlagrl29 · January 2017

I'm sorry @Fela but maybe give it some more time. I've noticed things don't happen exactly when we want them to sometimes but when it does happen it is the perfect time regardless of when we think it is.

PoeMasque · January 2017

@Fela hang in there. I always feel like I want to give up after a BFN, but a few days later I'm usually back to looking on the bright side. Allow yourself some time to mourn and feel like poo. It's totally reasonable. Although 4 days before AF could still be too early (we've definitely had some late BFPs on this board before), I wouldn't wallow quite yet

laurad75 · January 2017

I agree wholeheartedly with @vlagrl29 and @PoeMasque - Every BFN is heartbreaking but then you try again. I know you have taken clomid so are you seeing an RE? And you also mentioned that you are temping but your temps are inconsistent so are you certain you can predict O?

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