Tips for having baby #2. Ask a 3rd time mom :)

shilarys · January 2017

I was hoping some of you veteran mommas could shed some advice on having a newborn and a 3 year old at home. My DD is closer to 4 and she is very independent. However my first time on maternity leave was pretty wonderful because ti was jsut her and I and I could nap when she did. I am a little worried about my sanity now that I'll have two and no breaks. Any short cuts or advice? I also will be BF and pumping exclusively....so Im trying to think of ways to entertain my DD while I do this....a lot lol TIA!

Faith1318 · January 2017

Take lots of deep breaths. Have patience with yourself (when you might feel guilty about her watching too much TV, etc., not getting what you feel is "enough" one-on-one time anymore -- you'll be doing your best and some days will be better than others). Have patience with her (because, in my experience, it's so easy to start expecting a lot from your oldest -- she will seem so much bigger once that little baby comes ("You're almost 4, can't you make your own dinner already?!" Ha!). And let her feel like the most helpful helper in the world whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Faith1318 · January 2017

Also, it's not something I did myself, but I always thought it was a good suggestion to have a "special" basket of toys/books/activities that get pulled out during nursing/pumping time. In theory, those will be somewhat novel and will hold her attention for a while longer than the same old stuff she's used to having lying around all the time.

kiyamurph · January 2017

Thank you for this thread! I realized that I'm WAY more nervous about my toddler than I am about actually having this little one. My question is about balance. It might take me a while to find a job after we move, so both kids will be home with me so we can save on daycare costs. My toddler currently goes to a daycare full time and he's used to having structure and learning. I'm nervous about him being home and me having to keep him entertained with a newborn who's going to be attached to the boob. My parents are coming to help for about a month and a half, so that will help, but I'm really nervous for when they leave. How on earth do you keep your toddler busy and their little minds busy as well? I also have that guilt about him now having to share me with a baby. He's all about mom and I don't want him to feel neglected. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it!

Cbeanz · January 2017

3TM here but I am going to watch this thread for ideas. I kept my 2yo in daycare when my 2nd was born. But I'll have all 3 home with me from June-Oct (if I can survive that long)! Help!!!

I know there are great ideas on Pinterest - if you have time to plan ahead and prepare activities. And I have a manual pump so I can literally walk around the house doing stuff with one hand while pumping - can't say enough positive things about my manual pump. But I also want to continue my kids education and avoid using the TV when possible.

Thanks for starting this thread!

kjd291 · January 2017

Second time mom here! Also in this same camp of terrified to take on this challenge.

One thing I do know: babywearing is going to be my go-to lifesaver. Also planning to nurse while wearing so I can still help my very attached toddler at the same time.

Overall I think I have such a low expectation for how diffficult it's gonna be: I can only be pleasantly surprised!

klz0330 · January 2017

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm worried about the same things. I'm especially worried about my patience and that I don't want my oldest to feel neglected. She's had ALL the attention for four years now. It makes me so sad to think about it.

motherofdragons-2 · January 2017

I was so scared and nervous about having a second, and it turned out so much better than expected....after the first month. When DS arrived, we picked up my husbands 3 sons for their 40 day summer break the very next day so I went from 1 18mo. daughter to 4 kids and a newborn immediately. The kids weren't a problem, but keeping up with the chores and meals definitely was. Babywearing saved my life and everything else I think was achieved by pure determination and keeping calm at all times. After they left I was in heaven! I feel like the change from 1-2 comes naturally as long as you keep the bigger picture in mind, this too shall pass, and make it a point not to stress about entertaining your toddler, and do everything you can to keep your mental health and morale up! Self care is priority! I operated with the mindset of, DD can read next to me while I nurse on the couch, or play in her room while I nurse and none of these things will hurt her. Include toddler in as many baby related activities as age will allow and encourage them to play independently within your earshot. Do things that make you happy, and as long as your babies are fed, clean, given plenty of snuggles and spoken to with understanding, all will be well. Easier said than done but I stand by it: self care and remembering that every stress and worry and "its too much" moment will pass and it WILL get better. Your toddler is capable of much more than you realize and they just might surprise you!

kiyamurph · January 2017

@silverbulletband I already clicked the "love it" button, but still have to put into words how much your post helps. Thank you!

motherofdragons-2 · January 2017

@kiyamurph thank you, haha! It kinda turned into a self pep talk for a bit there since im going from 2 to 3 and that's way intimidating, but I feel its still relevant. I remember being up at 3am one of those nights just crying and nursing my newborn son between sobs because I thought, surely no one else in history had ever been as stressed and hard done by as I was, but then I really took stock of my blessings and realized- the baby grows older every day and that brings me one step closer to better nights. And knowing I was never alone, that there were mothers struggling with the same thing or worse, all over the world, and it just changed my whole outlook on motherhood. All is temporary in those first months and that thought helped me so much! Hope I can take my own advice when LO gets here!

shines721 · January 2017

@silverbulletband Yes! Thank you so much for your honest responses .. I get so emotional thinking of going from 1 to 2 and how I'm going to cope and yet we have so many blessings to be thankful for!

shilarys · January 2017

Thank you everyone for the responses and input. I am def going to try and plan some special activities for her and try looking thru pinterest for times when Im nursing...which will be all the time lol.....

Baby wearing will be a must and daddy can have newborn time while I focus on my oldest in the evenings

It will all work out

KellyT22 · January 2017

Also terrified here. My toddler will be about 18 months old. How do I carry my toddler AND the baby carrier? I'm never leaving the house again, am I?

motherofdragons-2 · January 2017

@KellyT22

This is a good time to get that toddler some walking shoes!! Or invest in a slick double stroller! It seems scary but when you get your feet in it and develop a day to day routine, things will come together! If they don't, utilize your husbands paternal instincts and chore performing capabilities until they do haha

Gators&BoSox · January 2017

we got our double stroller yesterday and I feel a little better now. I'm still going to try to baby wear and do the single stroller a lot bc no matter what, a double is huge! I'm more concerned with the fact that during the week DH is rarely home before DS is down for bed and I'm going to have to juggle 2 all by myself every day. I don't think I'm leaving the house either lol

Ivorytower2 · January 2017

@Gators&BoSox which double did you go with? I'm trying to figure this one out. I like the Bob because it can accommodate bigger kids, but don't think I'd use it daily. My toddler loves to be held and carried

Gators&BoSox · January 2017

@Ivorytower2 we got the graco modes duo. We have the infant carrier that clicks in already from DS so we honestly only looked at graco models. I could have probably easily gotten a new infant carrier that goes with another travel system but I did not want to make myself mad with all of the options haha plus I do really like this one. it has something like 27 different possible positions including a standing platform for when DS is bigger and I already know how the whole clicking system works. the lady at the store was also raving about it and said she wished it was out when she was shopping

ETA: how old is your toddler? would they be interested in riding around and standing on a platform?

Ivorytower2 · January 2017

Helpful thanks. She will be 2.5 when baby is born. I think she would like to ride, but I have a bugaboo and can buy a standing board attachment for that. I'm trying to figure out whats best for like the long day trips to zoo or theme parks, etc. where they will both need to nap. Mainly I don't want to spend a ton for something I barely use, but will def need something for those day trips because we are on the go a lot. I have a Chico carsseat, so not sure if it's a match for the Graco stroller but in going to look at it. Thanks for the tip!

wintersong · January 2017

kiyamurph said:

Thank you for this thread! I realized that I'm WAY more nervous about my toddler than I am about actually having this little one. My question is about balance. It might take me a while to find a job after we move, so both kids will be home with me so we can save on daycare costs. My toddler currently goes to a daycare full time and he's used to having structure and learning. I'm nervous about him being home and me having to keep him entertained with a newborn who's going to be attached to the boob. My parents are coming to help for about a month and a half, so that will help, but I'm really nervous for when they leave. How on earth do you keep your toddler busy and their little minds busy as well? I also have that guilt about him now having to share me with a baby. He's all about mom and I don't want him to feel neglected. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it!

Janet Lansbury of Elevating Childcare has written a lot of stuff about nurturing independent play in your babies and toddlers

I don't buy into the whole philosophy, but I do find that stuff super helpful.

My son will be 25 months and I'm also way more worried about parenting him through this change than the newborns. Newborns aren't usually very mysterious, lol. 98% of the time crying is fixed by nursing. My son is so sweet and attached (in a positive way, not clingy) and although I know I have the vocabulary to talk with him about it I am sad that our dynamics going to change. Happy and sad at the same time, you know? Its like I know its a good change, but pat if me will mourn for what was before.

Anyone have any good organizational structural tips to share that made your life easier (aside from a busy box for nursing)?

kjd291 · January 2017

Agree!! I am so sad about the dynamics of parenting my toddler changing. I'm a super hands on/attachment parenting mama. We do everything on her time, I'm always down on the ground ((even still huge as a whale)) playing with her, or letting her help me with my chores. I already have mom guilt hitting about how I won't be able to give her the attention she has gotten used to having. I'm hoping she grows up a lot in the next month-because she's still so needy and clingy.

I know newborn babies sleep a lot! So I'm just hoping we can have a happy mix of sharing Mama during feedings/taking care of little babe, and patiently waiting till she's sleeping so mom can give big sister attention. I'm also praying that i can quickly get them both napping at one time so I can get a break!

Q: what kind of help are ppl getting? 3rd time mom advice on what help was the best for two? I didn't want any with my first and enjoyed doing it all myself.
I'm excited DH is going to be able to take a week off ((he didn't get time with our first)) and was thinking of asking my mom to come on her days off (2or3) the second week having two. I know my church is planning on helping with meals, which was the hardest part with baby numero 1

Cbeanz · January 2017

I definitely needed actual help after DD2 was born (as opposed to when DD1 was born, people who came to "help" were really just visiting). What I appreciated more than anything was having my mom come and play with DD1 - she loved it, plus it enabled me to spend more time with the baby and not feel guilty.

There was a major dynamic shift in the family after DD2, and it really started during pregnancy. DD1 got to be very close with Daddy, which upset me at first, but in hindsight it was developmentally appropriate and enabled her to get the parent interaction she needed as a 2-year-old. She would say things like, "I'm Daddy's baby and that's your baby" which hurt my feelings at the time, but it was just her way of processing the changes. Now that I'm pregnant with #3, DD2 is starting to get clingy with Daddy, and my oldest is getting to be really close with me again - and is excited to help with the new baby. It's all cyclic and dynamic and healthy. There are periods of time when I'm close with different kids. I'd love to be close to all of them all the time, but this is a good thing, too.

vino831 · January 2017

KellyT22 said:

Also terrified here. My toddler will be about 18 months old. How do I carry my toddler AND the baby carrier? I'm never leaving the house again, am I?

I say this ALL OF THE TIME. And showering. How will I ever shower again?! hahah

vino831 · January 2017

kiyamurph I'm absolutely there with you. DS and I usually attached to the hip and it breaks my heart to anticipate how this could be difficult on him. The first 8 weeks of this pregnancy (intentional pregnancy!) all I could think is "What have we done" + "My poor baby!" (DS) Its amazing that your parents are coming for that long. Perhaps you could look into a short term gym membership for your first - Gymboree, Rolly Pollies or My Gym. My dad got DS a year long membership for Christmas and I FULLY intend of having each visitor take him for an afternoon out with family.

Cbeanz its great you had people that would spend the time with DD1. Everyone keeps making comments to me about how they will be happy to visit and hold the new baby so that I can get things done. How in the world do people think that THIS is what will be helpful. Sure I carried her for 9 months and just recently pushed her out of my body but take her. Ugh this gets my blood boiling. NO. Please play with my 18 month old. Hes such a mamas boy and I want his confusion and stress be minimized as much as possible while - like you said - minimizing my guilt for the bonding time I Will need with the #2.

kiyamurph · January 2017

vino831 said:

kiyamurph I'm absolutely there with you. DS and I usually attached to the hip and it breaks my heart to anticipate how this could be difficult on him. The first 8 weeks of this pregnancy (intentional pregnancy!) all I could think is "What have we done" + "My poor baby!" (DS) Its amazing that your parents are coming for that long. Perhaps you could look into a short term gym membership for your first - Gymboree, Rolly Pollies or My Gym. My dad got DS a year long membership for Christmas and I FULLY intend of having each visitor take him for an afternoon out with family.

Cbeanz its great you had people that would spend the time with DD1. Everyone keeps making comments to me about how they will be happy to visit and hold the new baby so that I can get things done. How in the world do people think that THIS is what will be helpful. Sure I carried her for 9 months and just recently pushed her out of my body but take her. Ugh this gets my blood boiling. NO. Please play with my 18 month old. Hes such a mamas boy and I want his confusion and stress be minimized as much as possible while - like you said - minimizing my guilt for the bonding time I Will need with the #2.

Exactly this! Just all the nopes in the world. This is exactly why my MIL will never, ever be the first person out to visit us. She does zero things to help us. None. I know she's all kinds of butthurt about my parents coming out for a month, but unless she does more than sit on her ass on my couch, then she can stay home and wait until my very helpful parents leave to come visit. And no way could they all come at the same time. That would not end well.

C25 · January 2017

My son was 3.5 when DS2 was born and in the beginning it wasn't that bad because the baby would sleep a lot so we still got our one on one play time. Plus, at that age they LOVE to sit and touch the baby's head while they are nursing and watch them (at least my oldest did) so it wasn't like I felt like he was bored or lonely.

We did did a lot of time on a picnic blanket in the yard or walks in the stroller. Fresh air is always good for everybody. The baby can sit in the stroller and be happy while the older one can run around and play.
Its really mom who suffers and is exhausted lol. But after the first few months you will get your routine down and make it out of the house no problem! I look back and wonder how I ever got to this point where 2 kids seems easy!

im trying to think of more activities..some may judge me but the iPad saved us too. I put TONS of spelling and preschool apps on it and it kind of became a thing that he got to play that when I was feeding and that was it.

datalover13 · January 2017

@C25 The iPad has saved me (and DH) a lot of sanity and DS is our only one currently. There are so many great apps out there.

kjd291 · January 2017

@C25 already looking forward to warmer weather. Wishing this was a summer baby so we could escape into the yard with a blanket NOW. But I guess that'll be something to look forward to once the first few newborn months pass. ((Northern Maine isn't very warm till June

))

And no judgement on the iPad! Im already in a state of mind of : do what you have to to survive

I'm sure Netflix will be taking lots of attempts at babysitting for me the first weeks.

wintersong · January 2017

Cbeanz said:

I definitely needed actual help after DD2 was born (as opposed to when DD1 was born, people who came to "help" were really just visiting). What I appreciated more than anything was having my mom come and play with DD1 - she loved it, plus it enabled me to spend more time with the baby and not feel guilty.

There was a major dynamic shift in the family after DD2, and it really started during pregnancy. DD1 got to be very close with Daddy, which upset me at first, but in hindsight it was developmentally appropriate and enabled her to get the parent interaction she needed as a 2-year-old. She would say things like, "I'm Daddy's baby and that's your baby" which hurt my feelings at the time, but it was just her way of processing the changes. Now that I'm pregnant with #3, DD2 is starting to get clingy with Daddy, and my oldest is getting to be really close with me again - and is excited to help with the new baby. It's all cyclic and dynamic and healthy. There are periods of time when I'm close with different kids. I'd love to be close to all of them all the time, but this is a good thing, too.

This was so helpful. Thank you!

Ivorytower2 · January 2017

Speaking of toddlers, are you all going to have your toddlers visit you in the hospital? My DD is a Mommy's girl and she's spent her share of time in the hospital, so I'm worried she will think I am sick and then especially if she has to leave me while I have to stay, I'm afraid it will destroy her. She cries when I even leave her to go out to dinner sometimes and that's in her own comforavle home environment. I'm debating having my Mom just take her for a few days and then maybe have her come to visit when we are a few hours out from getting discharged.

Gators&BoSox · January 2017

@Ivorytower2 I'm going to have DS visit but he is only going to be 19 months so he should be pretty easy going. i'm sure i'll miss him like crazy and our home is only 15 minutes away. plus i really want a picture of him cuddling in the bed with his baby sister and I and DH. with your situation sounds like it might be easier to have her visit on the last day. you can always play it by ear though

wintersong · January 2017

Ivorytower2 said:

Speaking of toddlers, are you all going to have your toddlers visit you in the hospital? My DD is a Mommy's girl and she's spent her share of time in the hospital, so I'm worried she will think I am sick and then especially if she has to leave me while I have to stay, I'm afraid it will destroy her. She cries when I even leave her to go out to dinner sometimes and that's in her own comforavle home environment. I'm debating having my Mom just take her for a few days and then maybe have her come to visit when we are a few hours out from getting discharged.

If I stay 2 nights my son will visit me. I plan to ask the nurse to actually wheel baby out of the room for a few minutes of alone time with him, then bring baby in.

If I stay only 1 night it would just be easier on him to be with my mom and DH and not call me or anything.

If she is super uncomfortable with separations maybe reminding her about you by visits or phone calls or texting her pictures would be more distressing than helpful?

kjd291 · January 2017

longliveregina said:

Ivorytower2 said:

Speaking of toddlers, are you all going to have your toddlers visit you in the hospital? My DD is a Mommy's girl and she's spent her share of time in the hospital, so I'm worried she will think I am sick and then especially if she has to leave me while I have to stay, I'm afraid it will destroy her. She cries when I even leave her to go out to dinner sometimes and that's in her own comforavle home environment. I'm debating having my Mom just take her for a few days and then maybe have her come to visit when we are a few hours out from getting discharged.

If I stay 2 nights my son will visit me. I plan to ask the nurse to actually wheel baby out of the room for a few minutes of alone time with him, then bring baby in.

If I stay only 1 night it would just be easier on him to be with my mom and DH and not call me or anything.

If she is super uncomfortable with separations maybe reminding her about you by visits or phone calls or texting her pictures would be more distressing than helpful?

Also depends a lot of stay duration and birth time/time of discharge for me. I've been thinking lots about it-i really would love to have her visit ((this will be my first time away from her for more than a couple hours)) I am more excited about her meeting her sibling than anyone else! I also am planning on meeting her outside the room or having baby taken away for a few minutes so her way of meeting the new one isn't to walk into a room where mom is cuddling with another strange kid. My DD will only be 18mo, so I don't have any advice about the hospital/sickness concern because I believe she'll also be clueless.

Ivorytower2 · January 2017

Great ideas about having the baby out of the room or meeting toddler in the hall so she has a chance to adjust and doesn't walk in to me holding a new baby. You guys are so smart! DD is used to me traveling for work and we generally FaceTime once a day, so maybe we can stick to that and have her come the last day so she can still experience the process and get the cute cuddling pics.

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