Mental Health Monday 1/16

tuxielove93 · January 2017

This thread is for anyone needing to talk about mental health issues this week.

I don't know if someone is supposed to start this or not, but I need it today so I went ahead and started it. I looked up the old ones and they were all started by different people (I think) so I figured this would be ok, but if not someone just tell me.

tuxielove93 · January 2017

Warning, this is long. I just feel the need to put that in before I get started. There is a TLDR at the end.

I probably don't have to go as into this as I am, but I feel like background is important. I was actually originally going to post this in Monday Bitchfest until I realized that it's way more than that. I've always had an emotionally unstable and damaging relationship with my parents for a myriad of reasons, and 2 years ago I pretty much completely cut them out of my life, but there were still some financial ties that made talking to them necessary. I got really lonely because cutting them out made me lose the entirety of the rest of my family, and it seemed like they were being better people, so I slowly let them back into my life more. When DH and I moved back to our area to get married, we ended up living with them in a double block house. We weren't home that much because we traveled for my work and we mostly had our living space to ourselves, but we do share a kitchen. Everything was going fine until I got pregnant and we stopped traveling, and since then I've realized how bad them being this close to my life is, and on top of that I can't actually let them have a relationship with our kids. It isn't safe for the kids. But DH and I, in an effort to save money to move and because my insurance is stuck inside of this state, had decided to continue to live here until after the baby is born, and move as soon as possible after. And that was pretty much the plan until yesterday morning. My parents have a bad habit of not respecting people's privacy and then getting offended when you ask them to, as if you're "mad" at them or "hate" them when you really just want your space respected. My dad has taken up the habit of unlocking the door separating our two spaces with his fingernail. It's disgusting, and locked doors should remain locked. On Saturday night, at 2 in the morning, he took it upon himself to come clean my living room. No, it was not some sort of pig sty, board of health crises. There were some dishes from that day, some used water bottles, most empty, also from that day or maybe even the day before, and I suppose some papers. It was not perfectly neat, but it by no means justified him coming into my house in the wee hours of the morning and messing with my stuff. He threw out water that I was still drinking, including water that I had treated with a vitamin spray, could have seriously damaged my husbands Xbox if it had been on because he covered the breathing vent on it, changed my light bulb that was perfectly fine to a green one, moved my furniture, reorganized my papers, and washed my blankets in god only knows what detergent (both DH and I have sensitive skin). When I went down in the morning and saw it clean I was just hoping my DH had done it, but it didn't seem like his handy work. Then my dad came back over, unlocked the locked door again, and started talking about the "amazing job" he had done in my house. I'll admit I didn't exactly wake up in the best mood, and I completely lost my temper and started screaming at him about not opening locked doors since they're normally locked for a reason. My parents acted like they thought it was funny at first, but I went back onto their side maybe ten minutes later to find out what had happened to all my water, and that dissolved into me and my mother screaming at each other. I know he thought he was helping, but it wasn't helpful at all. I would also like to say here that I understand that it seems like I'm angry about someone cleaning my house, but in truth I'm angry that my space was violated without my permission, and that the locked door wasn't respected. And that my ability to keep a house clean enough apparently isn't respected either. Also that no one bothered to actually have a conversation with me about there being some sort of problem with the cleanliness of my house. I've been really sick with this pregnancy, and there has been no end to the comments about how "my house is a mess", but no actual calm conversation with me about it being a problem and an offering of help. Not being able to keep the house as clean as I wanted was really bothering me, and the comments weren't helping. Anyways, after that they have avoided me like the plague. My mom barely talked to me this morning when I was asking her when the service guy was coming and if I needed to let him in, and that's the only time I've seen her in person since then. When I called last night to check on her (she works really late and I wanted to know if she was still at work at 8, I was trying to be nice) she acted all weird about me even calling her. She didn't even let me know she was home last night like she normally does. Today she didn't even bother to call me, she just emailed me about what water I needed to replace what my dad got rid of, and it was the shortest email possible. It really hurt that I got upset once, and now it's as if she wants nothing to do with me. I have been nothing but nice to them since we moved back here, which is a major change from how I used to be around them, and right now I feel like all my mom has even talked to us about is money, and how she can get more money from us, and how we inconvenience her with dishes in the kitchen (I can't wash dishes to a severe eczema problem on my hands) and how I never had dinner ready when she wanted it, and now since being pregnant its all seemed even worse. I know I'm hormonal too, but there hasn't even been room for that. I was just in a bad mood swing one night, and my mom started picking a fight with me just because I was in a bad mood and she was convinced I was mad at her. I didn't even get angry that time. So now since I saw the email this morning I've been hiding in my bedroom, trying to get by on the food I have on this side of the house so I don't have to go in the kitchen, and I really need to go eat an actual lunch but I can't bring myself to possibly run into my dad and get even more upset than I already am. Now i have to talk to DH about moving into our own apartment early because this whole situation is affecting me so much that I'm both scared it will hurt the baby just because of my emotions, and I really need to go eat. My husband will be home by 6 and I've just been trying to make it that far. The incident on Sunday is only the icing on the cake in a long list of emotional issues, but it just set off a whole cascade of problems and I feel terrible about it because it's going to delay all our other plans for moving out of the area and my parents were planning on closing the house for us and have already bought a new stove since the old one is such a mess, but I don't feel like it's going to be enough anymore. I don't know if I'm even looking for advice, I think I just needed to say what's in my head. It's been a long day. Anyways, thank you to anyone who made it to the bottom of this.

TLDR: My parents and I have never had a good relationship, and it's gotten so bad that I'm currently hiding in my bedroom until my husband comes home. I haven't had an actual lunch at this point because it would mean going into the kitchen and possibly running into my dad. Which is really unhealthy, and now I'm so worried about hurting the baby because of this emotional issue that I'm considering prematurely moving to our own apartment, possibly screwing up our long term plans to move to where we would really like to live, which is the other side of the country. Well at least delaying those plans by a heck of a lot of time.

notachanski · January 2017

@kerils - That sounds like a very uncomfortable situation. I would be upset with the invasion of privacy too and it is unacceptable. Is it possible to have a calm discussion to explain why you are upset? If not, how about writing them a letter? Sometimes letters work in my family because thoughts can be conveyed without as much emotion. Often it also helps me to feel better to get my thoughts out. Sorry you are going through this though. Try to do something to get your mind off of it so you can relax.

Dovahkiin_99 · January 2017

@kerils I second what @notachanski says, but want to add that if you feel you can't talk to your parents, maybe consider family counseling. Depending on how long your staying with your parents it might be worthwhile.

Also, if your able to, I suggest leaving the house for a bit. Go to a local library, mall, or a cafe and spend a bit of time away from home to take your mind off the situation.

Best of luck to you, I'm sorry your parents are being so inconsiderate.

ljd2010 · January 2017

@kerils I'm really sorry that you're in such a difficult situation. Even operating on normal hormones, I would be upset by the invasion of privacy and the implication that I'm not doing a good enough job taking care of my house. Everything is amplified so much while pregnant. Do you have the kind of relationship where you can sit down and have a frank conversation with your parents? Even if you decide that moving out is best (and I can understand why that would be--if there are privacy issues now, it could be even worse when the baby is here. And honestly, your own mental health is so important-potentially worth moving back some of your longer term goals), I think you'll still need to sit down with them and explain why so that you can salvage the relationship going forward. I'm sorry. This sounds really hard.

Dovahkiin_99 · January 2017

Is anyone else weaning off their SSRI meds? I'm weaning off 10mg of cipralex and it's not fun. I feel my anxiety spiking and I'm sure it's from withdrawal. Did you find that you needed a period to "stabilize" when you were done weaning off your meds? I've been on various SSRIs for about 8 years, and I've been wanting to wean off for some time, but actually doing it is tougher than I thought.

tuxielove93 · January 2017

Thank you all for the suggestion. In honesty, I've kind of had this fight before and it doesn't get anywhere, so I'm really hesitant to open myself up to that again. And I'm totally the first person to suggest talking about how you feel. It's just my parents tend to take things way out of context and have an issue with admitting that they were wrong (I know, this is coming from the other side of the argument) That being said, I'll bring it up to my husband and see what he thinks about it. It's also that this is just one of many issues, and I don't think I have the stamina or emotional control at this point to get into all of it with them. We're obviously trying to save money as much as possible right now and I've eaten out way to much thanks to food aversions and morning sickness but I'm thinking about going out to get some food just to get out.

ljd2010 · January 2017

@a_wee_bit_terrified I weaned off of Zoloft about two months ago. I've been on it basically for 6 years with the exception of my last pregnancy. I don't think I've experienced withdrawal, but I'm constantly monitoring my mood and trying to figure out what are pregnancy hormones and what's depression and anxiety. It's hard. Does your doctor know you're weaning?

Dovahkiin_99 · January 2017

@ljd2010 I'm weaning off under the supervision of my dr, and she just said to monitor how I'm feeling as the dose goes down. But like you said, it's so hard to decipher between harmones and symptoms of anxiety/depression. The main withdrawal symptom I'm experiencing is hard to describe, but it feels like electric shocks in your body. It's fairly common, I know my brother feels it when he accidently missed a dose. I just can't wait for these things to be fully out of my system. Even under the supervision of a dr and having a supportive partner, I'm still finding it difficult.

chiquita928 · January 2017

@kerils I don't know enough about the past issues with your parents to know if my situation was the same, but I'll share. I've posted before about my DH's medical history and my MIL, but I feel like it might be relevant to you. So, in summary: DH and I have been together since we were 16, and he had brain cancer at 19. We were married at 25, and got our first home immediately afterwards. MIL would call DH's doctors and make appointments for him, involve herself in his job at her husband's office, and randomly drop by to visit (sometimes when I was home and sometimes it would just be DH). She would do the dishes or fold laundry (if I wasn't home), bring his favorite food for dinner, and tidy. I would get sooooooo mad at the implication that my house or ability to handle things wasn't good enough for her. She was overstepping so ridiculously that I would get so upset at DH for letting her do all of these things. Of course, I never talked to her about it.

Anyway...fast forward a few years (DS was 9 mo), and DH has a stroke, and we've had a slew of other medical issues since. I didn't realize until I absolutely needed her help because I was drowning, but all along all she was ever trying to do was help. She was trying to take stress off of me and DH by doing small favors. It took chaos to figure it out, but now I don't know what I would do without her help. We've had three long years of ER visits, ICU trips and constant medical problems, and without her I would have collapsed. It's the same things - doing dishes, tidying up, helping with doctor's, even helping with bills. It's still without asking, but now I treat like the wonderful gift that it is that she cares so much.

Long story short, is it possible that your parents are trying to help, awkwardly, and it's just coming across negatively? I agree that he shouldn't be picking locks, but it could be that he was trying to surprise you and help you out? If not, then ignore everything above, because, as I said, I don't know your whole life. This sounded so much like what I went through with MIL that I thought it might help.

Edited for words.

Pricelessmommy3 · January 2017

I have an example about my mom and it's somewhat relevant. I grew up in a single mothers household. My grandma would come over and help clean all the time. She even had her own key, just to help my mom. I grew up seeing her do this service for my mother when she did need the help. Fast forward- when my mom visits she doesn't clean and do things that was I'd prefer. She loads the dishwasher completely wrong to where I'd rearrange it and fit double in the load. After I had a couple kids....I let her load the dishwasher for me and I just start the load and let it run. It's a small gesture, and maybe I don't need the help---BUT its help and it's her doing something for me to show me she wants to help. I get that you feel like your privacy was intruded on, but perhaps your parents see maybe you're more tired, not feeling as well since your pregnant. We serve those we love, and it sounds like they were trying to give you a little service to be nice.
Talk to them and I think an apology is needed from both sides, when baby comes you might need some help and they might be scared to give it. What if you have a c section? Things could go unplanned. You may need some extra support. I hope things work out for you ❤️ As I've had more kids I've learned to take whatever help anyone wants to give me.

Poppyseed72017 · January 2017

@kerils I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I know how lonely in can feel to cut out family because they're emotionally hurting you. I love what PP's have said about talking it out but as you have mentioned your parents don't tend to take it very well. I hope you can find a way to get through this. Sometimes it means taking the higher road and apologizing (even though you are in the right) I hope your parents can come to their senses and realize that ignoring you isn't right.

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