Being a bridesmaid...

GABRIELLE2011 · January 2017

my sister is getting married in August, I'll be 34 weeks. I've know about my sisters wedding date since the summer when she booked her hall. She wants to go looking for bridesmaid dresses next week and i haven't told anyone I'm pregnant, I dont usually tell anyone until I'm 12 weeks. I don't want her to think I did this intentionally to steal her thunder but I also don't know if she'll be mad that I'll be really pregnant for her wedding. I don't know how to break the news to her. I mean it just so happened to work out that I got pregnant this last month when we've been trying for a few months. Any advice?

BigBadWolf12 · January 2017

Do you trust her to not spill the beans, @gabrielle2011? If so, I would suggest talking to her about it and letting her know what you're comfortable with.
In order of "most flexible bride" to "least flexible bride", here are some alternatives you could suggest

1) flexible BM dress styles so you can have a maternity friendly one, even if others have more form fitting/true waist style dresses
2) choosing a style that works/could be easily altered with a bump (empire waist, for example, if she wants the same "style" on all the BMs)
3) you can do something else to support - reading, etc.
4) you can just be a guest

If she's a tough sister who you can't trust to keep a secret and/or will kick up a fuss, I don't really know if there is much you can do without
a) delaying the dress purchasing until you're ready to tell
b) pulling out of the wedding party on your own initiative and saving the real reason until later. (you could say something vague like, "I'm working through a medical condition that may or may not make it difficult for me to be in the WP" or something?

childcaremama · January 2017

I'm right there with you. I'm a bridesmaid for a good friend on SEP 10 th. I'm due September 8 th. We went dress shopping right before I found out I was pregnant. I know she's going to want to make a choice soon and order them. I'm wanting to wait to tell. She would keep the secret if I tell her but she's going to be disappointed. She already was upset because her sister is thinking about TTC starting this month or next. I know she's going to feel like this is ruining her bachelorette trip, wedding, etc. Sigh. I hope she can get over it. I have a huge chance of having baby early so I hope to be there with a week to 3 week old with me.

beenabee · January 2017

Due September 6th and my sister is getting married September 2nd and I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid

GABRIELLE2011 · January 2017

Thank you everyone for some input! I'm glad I am not alone. I feel like she'll be upset but okay with it, because I guess honestly she doesn't have a choice. She wants to go looking next weekend for BM dresses. I'm thinking of keeping my mouth shut til end of January when I have my first Dr appointment and give her the option if she still wants me in it, I'll tell her j won't be offended if she doesn't. I feel like my other sister will bash me more to my sister who is getting married because she's been saying she wants another baby but is waiting TTC after our sister got married. So i totally feel like she'll talk me up to be a real jerk for getting pregnant before hand.

@BrunetteBabe722 what do you plan on doing

ellemnop90 · January 2017

Same! I'm due Sept 2nd and standing up in a wedding at the end of June and one at the beginning of August. Both know we have been trying but neither know I am actually pregnant. Luckily both are having bridesmaids pick their style and have just given us the color, so I'm just not going to order until a little later.

It is your sister so I think if you are comfortable telling her a little earlier than you planned it would be a good idea.

beenabee · January 2017

@GABRIELLE2011 I have no idea

I would love to still be in the wedding since it's my sister and DH is a groomsman, but I don't even know if my sister will want me to be in it still. She's currently mad at me and not talking to me so when she gets over it we're going to have to talk.

msashley2010-2 · January 2017

@GABRIELLE2011 I'm hoping that when your family finds out about it that they'll just be happy for you. I think it would be extremely self centered of them to be upset with you for simply being pregnant. There are plenty of cute dress styles that could be incorporated.

beenabee · January 2017

Msashley2010 said:

@GABRIELLE2011 I'm hoping that when your family finds out about it that they'll just be happy for you. I think it would be extremely self centered of them to be upset with you for simply being pregnant. There are plenty of cute dress styles that could be incorporated.

I agree 100%!

bayhunter6 · January 2017

I was in a wedding at 38.5 weeks pregnant with my first. It worked out fine! I felt like a whale next to the other tiny bridesmaids and I sat down and took breaks more but everything was fine and I'm glad I was there for my friend. I was worried about going into labor early and missing the wedding but luckily that didn't happen.

GhanimaAtreides · January 2017

GABRIELLE2011 said:

I feel like my other sister will bash me more to my sister who is getting married because she's been saying she wants another baby but is waiting TTC after our sister got married. So i totally feel like she'll talk me up to be a real jerk for getting pregnant before hand.

This kinda makes my blood boil. When did brides assume the right to dictate/guilt everyone else's reproductive planning around them? No, just no. If you're later to the party getting married, that's just a risk you take. It's not your fault that you got pregnant when you did, it's not her fault she is getting married when it was right for her. Quite frankly, many feel like once they're married they are free to have kids whenever; I hate to think there are people out there that are like, "Whew! We got married. We want to have kids, but first we gotta hold off for the next 8 weddings I know are coming up."

GABRIELLE2011 · January 2017

Thanks for the support girls! This is baby #5 for us, to give a little back story. Ive been with my husband for 14 years (high school sweet hearts) I got pregnant with my first when we were engaged, we were young but we were already together 6 years, my family wasn't happy but were supportive. And then with every baby after that I always got "well I guess I should say congratulations". Even after I had my 3rd my mother was like "I hope this is it now" meaning she was hoping we wouldn't have anymore kids. The most amazing part is that we've done nothing to think we can't afford or handle our family. We live in a beautiful house, on a beautiful area (less than a mile from my parents) and our kids are beyond well taken care of, I'm a stay at home mom and my husband owns a successful company. I guess what I'm trying to say is that they've never been happy when we ever announced my pregnancies. But when my older sister was pregnant with twins and told the family, my mom cried and jumped around with pure joy. Something she's never done with me. Not to mention my sister cheated on her husband with his bestfriend, got divorced when their spouses found out and they were together a year since their divorces and got pregnant. Sorry for such a long rant but I know me being pregnant during my younger sisters wedding will just be an excuse for them not to be happy for us, again.

GhanimaAtreides · January 2017

I hear ya @GABRIELLE2011 my ILs are like that too. They "do their duty" and have 1 boy and 1 girl and stop. *eyeroll* They figured once I had DD after 2 DSs I would stop, so #4 is probably going to throw them for quite a loop. I also went no-contact with my own mother over her blatant favoritism she shows my sister's kids, so I totally get it.

HollyGolightly09 · January 2017

That really sucks that they act like that. I would be tempted to just not even tell them and let them figure it out. When they ask why you didn't say anything just kindly say "Well, y'all are always such assholes about it, so..."

GABRIELLE2011 · January 2017

@HollyGolightly09 haha I was totally contemplating that too! And if my sister wasn't getting married, i probably would have but I don't want to pretend to be in her wedding party and spend money on a dress that will most likely not fit lol

LaceyC1020 · January 2017

When I was going through ivf cycles, my best friend asked me to be in here wedding. If my ivf cycles had worked, I would have been due on her wedding day! I talked to the seamstress about it and she told me to order a size or 2 larger and they could always add a maternity panel! I've done that twice now, ended up with a dress that swallowed me, but it was peace of mind!! Both could be altered no issues!

msashley2010-2 · January 2017

Wow @GABRIELLE2011, way for your family to be completely unsupportive of you. I'd almost be tempted to drop myself from the wedding party and make up an excuse until later.

Carebella · January 2017

My brother and his fiancé were still looking for a venue in mid-August when I'll be at the recommended no travel point. Since it wasn't booked, they want DS as a ring bearer, and me as a bridesmaid, we opted to tell them early so they could decide if they wanted to stick with mid-August or not. I feel guilty but really lucky and happy that they are looking to have the wedding in October now. Andplusalso, REALLY hoping for a healthy sticky baby even more (if that's possible) since they're changing the date.

Sugargirl1019 · January 2017

LaceyC1020 said:

When I was going through ivf cycles, my best friend asked me to be in here wedding. If my ivf cycles had worked, I would have been due on her wedding day! I talked to the seamstress about it and she told me to order a size or 2 larger and they could always add a maternity panel! I've done that twice now, ended up with a dress that swallowed me, but it was peace of mind!! Both could be altered no issues!

Definitely order a dress a size or 2 larger and maybe even secretly talk to a sales person about your size expectations at the time of the wedding and what could be done with the dress in question. Also choose an empire waist with a flowy fabric if possible. You don't necessarily have to tell your sister you're pregnant unless she's clearly choosing a dress that would never ever work with a 34 week bump.

satuttle1014 · January 2017

I would definitely be telling her just so she knows. Hopefully she doesn't react badly but she doesn't have much choice. I would tell her you can both can come up with a plan on how to move forward. Good luck!

towntowns · January 2017

I'm struggling with how to tell my best friend, her wedding is Sep 16 in Seattle (where I am from) and I live in Maryland.

She is wanting us to order dresses soon, but I'm either going to be very pregnant or have a newborn. I think the logical thing to do is bow out, because I'm not very keen flying with a brand new baby but I know she is going to be upset.

@BrunetteBabe722 @childcaremama is your wedding local or do you have to travel?

trishkev07 · January 2017

@towntowns You may want to talk to your doctor about flying in your third trimester :-/ You also will definitely want to bring a doctor's note if they do say it's safe because I've read stories of pregnant women being turned away at the gate due to them being too far along. (I'll be planning to fly to AZ from MI at about 6 months and I'm going to do this myself!)

ColoradoHiker · January 2017

@towntowns I don't know when your due date is, but you may be limited by your doctor and/ or airline policy as to how late in your pregnancy you can fly. I flew when I was about 28w pregnant, and asked my midwife for a note that basically said I was cleared to fly, in case anyone stopped me.

My thoughts on bridesmaid dresses/ being a bridesmaid in general while pregnant- *shrugs* A bride can't ask you to make your family plans around their wedding, period. Family, bff, whatever. Once you hit your 20's+ and your friends start getting married, you generally run the chance that one of them may be pregnant by the time your wedding rolls around.

@GABRIELLE2011 It doesn't matter if this is baby #1 or #20, your family has no right to judge you and your DH for any of this. If you think your sister will be graceful about it, even if she's a bit upset for whatever reason, I'd say stick with it. Tell your sister so she knows before picking out dresses, or else she won't understand why you may not be crazy about a lot of the styles. If you think you're going to get a lot of crap for it and be stressed out, I say bow out and let your sister know why. Good luck!

childcaremama · January 2017

I missed being a bridesmaid for a good friend last year with my first. I was scheduled to be induced checking in at 8 PM on may 14 th. The day of my friends wedding. I was still planning on going! Had my dress, etc. The wedding was at 2 so I was just going to go from the reception to the hospital. Sadly my daughter failed hey bpp ultrasound on may 12 th so I was induced then and she was born on May 13 th. Missed the wedding as I was still in the hospital.

Really hoping to make this wedding for my friend. But she's talking about an out of state bachelorette trip in June, to go to wineries. I know a lot of people travel between 26 & 30 weeks (how far I'll be during June when they are looking at going) but I have high risk pregnancies so don't think my doctor will approve me flying out of state past viability. My friend is going to be so upset and honestly is going to feel like I'm a bad friend and letting her down. Which sucks.

trishkev07 · January 2017

@childcaremama
I know you may feel like a bad friend but any friend worth keeping around will understand! Maybe you two could have a special post winery spa day back in your home town? (then future bride and mama can both enjoy getting pampered!)

msashley2010-2 · January 2017

@childcaremama I certainly hope that your friend would be understanding of your situation. If traveling during a high risk pregnancy would put you or your baby in potential danger, I do not feel that a good friend would hold this personally against you. I would understand being disappointed and missing your presence. But I think it would be a great opportunity if you all got together after the baby was born and had some fun!

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