GTKY: Relationships & Loss

Uhlease13 · January 2017

We had somewhat mentioned this in one of the weekly threads, but maybe we can use this space to talk about how our relationships have morphed and progressed because of our experiences with loss.

Positives, negatives, other changes, not only with DH/SO, but maybe friends or other family as well? This is purely open ended, anything else you wish to add?

Uhlease13 · January 2017

I had fake nails on over the holidays, and just got them off today. It feels amazing typing right now with short nails again

Something I was really surprised about that DH said to me after we got our bfp #2 (since we had already somewhat discussed the possibility of having another miscarriage and how we might feel about it) he said, 'if it happens again, you can't be too sad. We have to be positive and keep trying.' For some reason I was really taken back by it! Like even before it happened, he was trying to be the strong one. I wish I knew better questions to ask him about how he's feeling about things. We've never pictured our lives without kids, but he said even if we never have kids, our relationship has to be good enough for us. Which I understand, I just don't think I was ready to have that conversation you know? I am still hopeful., and I think so is he.

I don't remember who said it (or if it was this board, or another?) but it takes longer for guys to 'feel like a dad' but the minute we see those lines on the test, it's real for us. So my H is still trying to be super positive, which is probably good for me right now. BFN's suck, so all you can do is keep trying.

NYTino24 · January 2017

I just posted something about DH along these lines in the benched thread... but I have to say I have amazing friends. I have gotten a lot of support from them and some of my sisters (I have 4). However, I never heard from my mother. Two of my sisters live with her AND SHE KNEW I had a MC. I called her two days after I started bleeding and she didn't return it or my text the day after. I called her two days ago and confronted her, crying. She made some excuses about being busy and sick and said she never got them. She had the nerve to take a screenshot of her call log and send it to me AND YOU COULD SEE MY MISSED CALL!!! Then she said, "I don't need this stress in my life." She is a toxic person and it was finally all I needed to close the door on having her in my life. She has done a lot of mean things (like threaten not to come my wedding and then showed up two hours late while I was finishing getting ready), but this one was downright cruel. I know I am a much better person and never did anything to deserve it, so this was the catalyst for me to cut her off forever.

splashmountain · January 2017

@Uhlease13 I'm glad your H is strong for you. I wouldn't be able to survive any of this without mine!

@NYTino24 good for you, calling her out. One thing I've learned as I've gotten older is I don't need crap like that in my life. If you can't be there for the bad as well as the good....bye! It sounds like this was a long time coming for you.

AFM I'm surprised at how many people try to ignore it. We had our loss on Christmas so we missed out on a get together with DH's family, so we rescheduled to another day. Nobody asked me how I was feeling, or coping or if I needed anything. I didn't expect them to throw a pitty party or anything, but a simple "I'm sorry for what happened, how are you feeling?" Would have been appreciated. I think they just don't know what to say, so they say nothing.

vlagrl29 · January 2017

@NYTino24 - wow I'm so sorry your mom is so unsupportive. I'm sure it feels good to finally know to cut her off but I'm sure it's still upsetting. My mom and grandma never had a good relationship. My mom says she a malignant narcissist. She has already cut her out of her life.

DH has been really supportive. My mom said she's never heard of a CP before but always texted me to hear of my updates with bloodwork etc. MIL gave me a prayer book for women but never actually has talked to me about the loss. FIL was in town last weekend and his wife brought it up. I was somewhat comforted hearing that she had a MC and she has 4 kids all grown of course. Also one of my friends on FB let me know she had 2 CP in-between 2 of her kids so that gave me hope.

NYTino24 · January 2017

I agree @pumpkin0913 - people are very uncomfortable talking about someone else's grief. I literally put it out there online so people would know how to deal when they saw me. I didn't want to hear sorry or have people ask what happened. I love you, I'm thinking of you, if you need to talk... those were nice things to hear.
@vlagrl29! It's tough considering DH's family is so supportive. We got like 10 calls from his family and none from my mother. At least we have them.

Uhlease13 · January 2017

@NYTino24 ugh to the mom thing - but yay for supportive friends and in laws.

@pumpkin0913 I agree, it is just nice to have people acknowledge it. I'm sorry nobody said anything to you.

@vlagrl29 sometimes it's just nice to hear others share their story once they hear yours.

One of my very best friends had struggled to get pregnant, and had two miscarriages, so she was definitely the one who was there for me the most/knew the right things to say. She was probably the only one irl that got it. TW- her rainbow was born in December

Hopefulmommy1980 · January 2017

Have a Mc for me was very lonely. Some of it may have been that for me I didn't want to make people uncomfortable so I just never brought it up. Dh has been pretty supportive. He just in general doesn't show much emotion. I think he felt helpless bc I was so sad and I think he was worried about how long I would be sad. Tw death mentioned *My brother died in a car accident about four years ago and I was really depressed and and it took me a long time to not cry everyday. Endtw* The one good thing was that before when we were trying we having a baby more so bc I wanted to. Tw*My dh was married before and has two children from that relationship. End twSo he originally was okay with being done. Now he is much more on board and positive. He keeps say he knows we will have a baby soon and it will be ok. My friends have been pretty supportive. A few of them I can talk to pretty freely about it. On has had fertility problem before and I just now ttc again. So for both the fear of not having a baby is there. Although we work together so we joke about giving our boss a heart attack if we have maternity leave at the same time. One thing that really surprised me is a few of my co workers who have shared the Mc stories and validated me. When I got pregnant the first time I was excited and told a few people.

@nytino24 I am sorry about your mom. It is amazing how selfish people can be.

laeberge3 · January 2017

@NYTino24 So sorry you had to endure that with your mom. I'm glad you made the decision to cut her out, and I'm also glad you've had other supportive friends and family to be there for you.

@Hopefulmommy1980 Mine was similarly lonely. I told a few people - all immediate family who knew, of course - but hadn't even announced the pregnancy to friends when I MCd. I was planning on announcing on the Sunday following the MC so when we still got together with the friends, I did tell them and that helped me feel better (though both had just had babies within the previous month, so I felt weird giving them my grief while they were so excited). I processed the grief slowly. My MC started on a Wednesday and on Friday, I went to work for a half-day, we went to a basketball game that evening, and we even traveled the following day for another HS basketball game. Clearly my initial reaction was a bit of denial and to just push it all out of my mind. That soon changed and I felt the terrible sadness that just didn't lift for a long time. Thinking back, no one other than my sister and SIL really checked in after it happened, but honestly at the time, that was how I wanted it.

As some of you know, my SIL had a loss this past year at 16w. There was a funeral and H and I were named godparents over the baby. I received a lot of support from my MIL and even one of SIL's friends who checked in on me at the same time, too, which felt really comforting.

NYTino24 · January 2017

@laeberge3 it is so sad you both had to go through it. My twin is processing her hysterectomy now and although she can be a pain, she is grieving for both herself and me and I feel terrible. Lots of love to you.

jen83mn · January 2017

I can relate to all of you ladies ... both in how this has impacted your relationship with your DH and also with your family and friends.

I posted about this in another thread (and mentioned that men don't really feel like dads until the baby is born but we're moms the second we get our BFP) ... my DH handled this so differently than I did. Our loss was so early on, before any ultrasounds or our first doctor appointment. He didn't understand why it was hitting me so hard, and even said, "It would be different if we'd seen the baby on an ultrasound already."

*TW: LC Mentioned*
With our son, he wasn't attached at all until our first ultrasound. At that point, it became "real," but he still didn't feel truly connected. When baby was born, he finally felt like a dad and it hit him, but even then, it took a few months until the baby started interacting more and showing a personality that they truly connected. It's just SO different for guys. Not only are they less emotional and sensitive in general, but they don't have that baby growing inside of them ... they don't feel the same loss we do. *End TW*

A poster in another board mentioned this article, "Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti," and it really helped me relate to how my husband is feeling and why the reaction I saw as rude and inconsiderate from him was actually just his way of coping. It's worth a read for anyone struggling to understand why their husband is dealing with this so differently: https://www.google.com/amp/s/waitingforbabybird.com/2016/02/24/men-are-like-waffles/amp/?client=safari

As far as other relationships, everyone I know has been very supportive, but I have had those awkward moments where people just don't know what to say or how to be supportive. With my mom, she was very supportive at first, but later in the day sent me a text about how maybe it wasn't the right timing ... *TW: LC* it would be easier if our son was a bit older and was out of diapers, and easier for her if it was later when my dad had retired and my sis in law's dad was retired so she could go on a cruise when I'm on maternity leave (she's our childcare and my brother's while we're at work). *End TW* I was heartbroken and so hurt ... this has nothing to do with diapers and vacations and retirement or any of that, and her comment was so self-centered. I called her out on it right away, told her it really hurt my feelings and this wasn't about any of those things. She apologized and we moved on, but I really had to find it in myself not to let this ruin our relationship going forward. I know it wasn't her intention to hurt me, but I also know she has no idea how to support me or make me feel better through this. She has never gone through this, she's never known anyone who has, and in her day, no one ever talked about this. Since then, she has checked in with me almost every day to see how I'm feeling and I've been open with her about the physical aspects and how tough emotionally this has been so she'd understand why this was so hard. It's helped.

My friends have been amazing ... I had told the close friends about being pregnant the week before, so they were really sad for me when we told them about our loss. Others I told after the loss, and they've been equally supportive. I have a handful of friends who have gone through their own losses, then gone on to have babies afterward ... they have all given me hope. I've been very open about my experience with everyone I'm close to, which I think has helped me cope and has also helped them understand how to support me better. I feel very blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I also told my boss (who has had 4 miscarriages due to other issues) and a few other close coworkers, so when I did go back to work, they understood why I was a bit "off," why I had been working from home, why I was missing my good friend's baby shower at work that I was supposed to co-host this week, and have been very supportive through it all.

It's tough ... people who haven't been there don't truly understand (and I would never want them to have to feel this pain), so I've been trying to cut them some slack and not take anything too personally as it's an awkward situation for them all as they try to figure out how best to help me through this time.

I'm glad we all have each other on this board!

brooklyngirl18 · January 2017

tw- child mentioned

@jen83mn I think we might be married to the same man. We had a very similar experience when I was pregnant with ds and then when he was born. dh was over the moon when I got ku and was very supportive throughout my pregnancy but it definitely didn't click until he was born. even then, I think partially because I nursed, he felt pretty useless until ds got a little older and interacted more. dh is a wonderful dad but it's definitely different for men. in terms of my ectopic, I often feel like he hid his feelings from me because he felt he needed to be strong. he's made comments over this past year that remind me he's hurting too and I should try to check in with him more. we tend to only discuss how i'm feeling since I'm the one physically going through everything but he needs to open up also.

jen83mn · January 2017

@brooklyngirl18

Yes, my DH has been the same way ... he wants to be the strong one and tries to change the subject because he doesn't want to see me hurting. Laughter and joking around is how he copes, even though I know he is bummed out about what happened. I had a conversation with him when it happened about why it was affecting me so much, comparing it to his health issues a year or so ago and how concerned he was when he was going through it because it was his body, and how I was there for him the entire time (he was convinced he was having a heart attack multiple times when it was nothing and he was just internalizing some recent losses he had experienced in his life). I think that helped put things into perspective, how scary it can be for us because it's happening in our body, and how we feel like our bodies failed us and then fear it will happen again and impact our ability to ever have children again.

It's definitely helped to realize that it's not that he doesn't care, he does ... he just doesn't show it as much and is dealing with it in a different way.

RiverSong15 · January 2017

@NYTino24 I'm so sorry for the insensitive comments from your Mom. I had to cut my mother out of life last year for a variety of reasons (she doesn't know about our losses, but I'm sure her reaction would be insensitive). In any case, I wanted to say I understand how many emotions can go along with that decision, even when you know it's the best one for you, so if you need to talk, feel free to PM me.

My experience has been similar to others'. H very much feels the need to be strong to support me. He talks about things for a bit, but he definitely does the "waffle" thing too. I think it's just too painful for him to think about regularly, so I try to only bring it up when certain things affect me strongly (*TW* Like a coworker saying "Woohoo! My wife's having a boy! Let's all go drink to celebrate") * End TW* Harrumph.

But for the most part, I'd say that going through this with my H has made us much closer. We are both so so grateful that we have each other to lean on. Life was pretty shitty last year, beyond our losses, and we felt like we were in the center of a hurricane. The only thing that kept us sane was knowing we had each other. I think it's made us (me for sure), more understanding and empathetic, and more likely to let the little annoyances slide. It took a while to get there though. Right after our losses, we were both trying so hard to keep it together on a daily basis, we didn't always remember to check in with the other person. Cutting each other lots of slack helped. I don't know if H realizes how much I still think about this everyday.

mylittleversailles · January 2017

My husband and I grieved the same. He took a month off work on compassion leave to be with me. The baby was lost was as real to him as it was to me. We still cry together bitterly every failed cycle. The biggest difference was that it was very physically hard on me and I have more grief in my life than him, so my healing process is always behind his. Hormones and physical pain and all. We are two peas in a pod and worked through every step on the same wavelength.

**TW Death mentioned**: When we met in the summer of 2012, I was several months out from discovering my best friend dead. I was in a brand new city where I didn't speak the language and so was he, which cemented our connection a lot faster than it might have been elsewhere. **TW Over**

As for friends, I lost one as I was still bleeding. I told her I couldn't talk about it with her (she literally HATES children) and she accused me of blaming her for my miscarriage. So that was it for that important relationship in my life. I lost a lot of acquaintances, as well, because we were and are totally open about the loss and this horrible infertility thing. People who used to check in every once and a while stopped very obviously.

One new friend, who was due two weeks before me, has become closer than ever.

TW **Baby mentioned** She had a rough go at her pregnancy and her baby almost died quite a few times. She's the only person I've ever know who had a baby. We held each other up, but I can't tell you how hard it is to see him pass his milestones, no matter how much I love him. **TW over**

My closest friend I feel disconnected with almost entirely but we both keep trying. He's gay and is dead set on adoption, plus his partner is no where near being ready for children, but has tried his best to understand our position and struggles. Relationships ebb and flow, particularly ones as close as we are, so I just try to hold on to the love I know we have. I think it's been hard because I am what seemed to be an endlessly positive person and I feel like I'm cracking most days under the pressure. I used to hold everyone up - I am learning to focus a little more on myself to get through this.

SP128 · January 2017

@NYTino24 & @RiverSong15 So sorry to hear about your insensitive mothers. Although I have not cut mine out, she is intense. She is so oblivious about how rude she is (maybe she doesn't care). She had been harping on me to have children for years. She constantly reminds me how old I am. I did not tell her about my preg because I knew she would blame me for the loss because of my age and how I should've listened to her.

From the time I found out I was preg, DH and I told ourselves that it was still really early and that it could end in mc. We discussed how mc were common and that we were not out of the woods. Even with that in mind, we talked about the baby so much and had so many plans. Even though I knew mcs were common I had that mentality that "It can't happen to me." I was feeling positive until my first ultrasound. The positivity was so unlike me since I'm more cautious by nature.

I was a sobbing mess. DH was super supportive. I know it bothers him but we do not talk about it too much. We talk about if we get preg again, mc is still a very real reality for us. We talk about how it would be okay if it happens again and that we are not out of the game yet.

For the first couple of weeks I told him when I was upset. After that, when I am sad I kind of keep it to myself. I just don't want him to worry. I know it affects him because he has mentioned seeing little kids playing with their dads, or colleagues asking him "knock her up yet." It has made him very sensitive to loss. He said that he will never ask someone about babies.

*** TW**

My girlfriends that know have been really supportive. I have one that check in periodically for any news. I feel like I can talk to her since she had a mc and was able to have a successful preg.

Although I know of a lot of people IRL who have had mcs, it has been years ago. Most of this I found out on the first day of school which was the day I got my BFP. Seems to be a lot of people at my job that have struggled with mc and infertility. Even though they don't know that I know, I'm hopeful looking at them since they all have their rainbows. **end TW***

flowerintherain · January 2017

I'm finding it difficult to talk to people about it who haven't been through it. Even my best friends who understand that I'm hurting make unintentional hurtful comments. I keep hearing things like *TW-LC* "Maybe it wasn't the right time", "your body wasn't ready to handle another pregnancy" and "at least you have one". And while I know I am blessed to have a healthy child, that doesn't make it any easier to accept the loss of the other. The moment I got my bfp, that little bean became my baby. *TW end*
Even my mother said "Well I guess you weren't taking very good care of yourself". I wish so many of us didn't have issues with insensitive mothers.

On the other hand, I have found it very helpful talking to other women who have experienced a loss. Both on here and IRL. Thank you ladies for being such a supportive community.

DH has been there to listen to and comfort me, but he won't show any emotion or sadness about it in front of me. He said he doesn't want to talk about it. It kind of sucks, because I almost feel like I'm grieving alone, but he assures me I'm not. He's just grieving in a different way. He says hes not ready to try again for a while, and has said things alluding to him being worried we'll have to go through this again. He bought me a necklace with a heart shaped pendant with what would've been baby's birthstone in it. So even though he wants to forget, he's supportive of me wanting to remember.

vlagrl29 · January 2017

I'll tell you what's not helpful that I heard. Our neighbor who is a NICU nurse and has 3 kids tell me that maybe I need to be on progesterone to get pregnant and for it to stick because you know being older its hard to get and stay pregnant. that was just a day after I heard I was having a CP. First of all I'm not old - i'm 36 and secondly I'm a hell of a lot healthier than her! I eat well and I have been practicing yoga for almost 4 years. I was so ticked but I didn't let it get the best of me.

justsuzie · January 2017

@vlagrl29 Your neighbor is a jerk. And, I really wonder about all those miscarriage statistics. I try not to look at them because they are depressing. And it's hard to know if they take health and lifestyle into account.

Hopefulmommy1980 · January 2017

@vlagrl29 I can't believe she was to rude and insensitive

vlagrl29 · January 2017

@justsuzie - I don't think I've seen those statistics and I probably shouldn't lol. She annoyed me. We were actually talking via FB messenger and I think she could tell I was getting offended just thru text. Its annoying. I remember when we first started trying back in June and a few months later I let her know and she was shocked we weren't pregnant yet and said she knew a great RE if I needed one - seriously at 3 months TTC you don't need an RE! She really was the only one that I had told that brought all that sh!t up. It pisses me off. I'll be glad to get my Progesterone check in Feb so that can be done and over with.

SP128 · January 2017

@vlagrl29 sounds like your neighbor being a nurse and having 3 kids makes her a fertility expert ! People stink! I believe you can emote through text. Glad she got the hint through messenger. Hopefully she'll keep her comments to herself

Mack2342 · January 2017

@vlagrl29. Your neighbor is rude! I'm 41. ***TW-LC****. I was 40 when I had my son and 41 with loss. If we are lucky this year I will be 42 when I have our rainbow. My doctor was so supportive of my age. She mentioned that if we were not pregnant after 6 months to see RE only so we don't waste a lot of time. 3 months is not that long and you are only 36. My doctor said she felt the 35 age marker for AMA was low as they deliver healthy babies all the time with women in 40s. Hopefully she doesn't say anything rude again.

vlagrl29 · January 2017

@Mack2342- I agree with you. My OB is really supportive as well. She's never mentioned my age as an issue. People that mention my age as an issue annoy me because I've never felt healthier in my life. 2 of her kids were accidents and the other one they only had to try a month for. Luckily its winter so our kids aren't outside playing together.

fsuswim · January 2017

I have had a few really supportive friends - my sister and best friend especially. They haven't experienced it, but are very empathetic and check in on me and listen to all of my theories and worries.

The most difficult thing relationship wise for me has been my husband's family. I work with his family every day and had always found them friendly and caring. We have had 2 MCs in the last 2 years. They hardly even said I am sorry for your loss for the first MC. One family member told me the MC was probably for the best and not healthy. When we had the 2nd MC it was not mentioned and I did not receive so much as a text. It has been really hard for me as my family is 1000's of miles away and call me every day telling me they are praying for us and asking what they can do. I even mentioned it to DH because it made me so upset and he told me that is just how his family is. I don't think I want to tell them the next time. Have not discussed this with DH yet.

jen83mn · January 2017

@fsuswim

So sorry your DH's family isn't supportive and yours is so far away ... that makes things so much harder

We decided (or I decided I should say) not to tell DH's family about our loss. His family isn't as close-knit as my family and the support we receive from them would be minimal and it would just make things awkward. We may tell them down the road if/when we get pregnant again further into the pregnancy or after the baby is born, just as an FYI, but for the time being, we don't feel it's necessary to tell them as it won't do anything to help us on this end. I think if it were to happen again for you (which I'm praying it doesn't and you get your rainbow next time!), not telling them is probably best. You're already going through a lot of hurt and don't need their reaction or lack there of to hurt you even more. Hugs!

fsuswim · January 2017

@jen83mn thanks for the encouraging words! I'm sorry that you're in a similar situation. I guess I felt like it was unfair to tell my family but not his. But my mom and my sister are my best friends, so I think you're right for the next time.

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