Blaming myself

flowerintherain · January 2017

I know everybody says not to blame yourself, but it's hard...
I just experienced my first loss, and I never saw it coming. I'm a young, healthy, person and carried my first pregnancy to term.
I was supposed to have been 7 weeks 4 days pregnant, but US confirmed the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks. I had been so stressed since getting my bfp. H lost his job and that caused a ton of issues between us. We would get into screaming matches daily, until he finally decided to pack all his stuff and move out. He came to his senses and came back a few days later.. but my point is, I was an emotional wreck from week 4 onward. I can't help but wonder if I contributed to this miscarriage. And if not that...I'm still nursing my toddler and I'm teetering the line of being underweight. It makes me question if by allowing him to nurse, I was taking away from what my pregnancy needed to thrive. It seems like my mind just keeps coming back to blaming myself in some way or another. How can I shake this feeling?
And I'm scared now that this will happen again. I'm already an anxious and slightly paranoid person to begin with. After having this experience, I'm scared I'll have it relive it.
Can anyone relate?

babypi · January 2017

I can definitely relate to worrying about whether nursing my 1 year old daughter contributed to my miscarriage. It's hard to quiet those thoughts at times, but as my doctor repeatedly told me, breastfeeding did not cause the loss. Try not to blame yourself, it is definitely not your fault. The stress also didn't cause it. I'm truly sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

NYTino24 · January 2017

@flowerintherain Please, please don't blame yourself. It won't make any of this better. Sending love your way.

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

NOT YOUR FAULT :hug;

BelhurstBride · January 2017

It is definitely not your fault.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

flowerintherain · January 2017

Thank you everyone for the kind words. It's just hard when my parents and in laws are saying that stress probably contributed. They don't blame me at all, but it's still hard to hear.

@babypi it's good to know that nursing doesn't affect the pregnancy. I didn't make it to my first appointment so I never got to ask anyone. I'm sorry for your loss as well.

@NYTino24 I know our little ones are up there looking down on us.. it's just a milestone that's going to be difficult to get past. I wish we didn't have to go through this

And I'm so scared now that it will happen again.. How're you doing? Is it getting any easier yet? It keeps coming in waves for me.. I'll be ok, then something will remind me and I'll start bawling my eyes out again.

NYTino24 · January 2017

@flowerintherain I haven't introduced myself here or TTCAL yet. I think I'll be ready on the weekend. I am doing okay, but haven't gone to work since Wednesday. DH and I have been home together, so we will see how tomorrow goes when we go to work.

flowerintherain · January 2017

@NYTino24 that's totally understandable. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to share too much about your situation here. I'm glad your DH is home with you and helping you through. Hopefully tomorrow goes as smoothly as it can for you. You'll be in my thoughts.

rklinge0 · January 2017

Not your fault at all. With my first pregnancy with my lc it was full of stressors and when I get stressed I lose weight so I was definitely underweight like you said. With my m.c. I was actually healthier and happier. Just telling you this to prove that nothing you did caused this.
I had trouble after mine cause I actually prayed that this angel baby wouldn't have the same genetic diagnosis as my first and felt guilty about that.
So sorry for your loss and don't be hard on yourself, I know easier said than done. Hugs.

splashmountain · January 2017

@flowerintherain I'm sorry for your loss. It is most definitely not your fault. Hugs to you in this difficult time.

NYTino24 · January 2017

@flowerintherain It's okay! We are all in this together.

amberruka · January 2017

@flowerintherain I'm sorry that you have family members making you feel that way, especially when it's so new and you're trying to deal with the situation. You did not cause your MC. I blamed myself for a long time too (I got in a hot tub during a work trip before I knew I was PG).

I'm so sorry for both of your losses. @NYTino24 you are always welcome on TTCAL, we're a great group of women despite the shitty club we are now a part of.

Edit: we also have a monthly benched thread so you don't have to be actively TTCAL btw.

flowerintherain · January 2017

Thank you ladies for the reassurance. I know deep down that there's probably nothing I could've done to stop it, but it seems like it is common to feel guilt when we are going through this. I'm sorry for yall's losses as well.
Y'all seem like a very supportive group of women. I dont know how long it'll be before we plan on ttc again, but I do plan on joining in here. Thank you all

NYTino24 · January 2017

Just remember that some women purposely (and not purposely) do things like drink and smoke and act recklessly and have healthy babies. It sucks to know that too. But you have to keep it in mind that something was really wrong and it's nothing we did.

Glitter · January 2017

NYTino24 said:

Just remember that some women purposely (and not purposely) do things like drink and smoke and act recklessly and have healthy babies. It sucks to know that too. But you have to keep it in mind that something was really wrong and it's nothing we did.

This is something that breaks my heart ya know, we try so hard to grow our lil beans healthy and others who treat their body like garbage, party all night, do this and that, have beautiful healthy babies, it kills me. Ive been working so hard to get over my jealousy. After 3 losses in a row, its hard, but we can do this ladies. We are strong, we have support in one another, that im thankful for

NYTino24 · January 2017

Hopefulmommy1980 · January 2017

@flowerintherain I am sorry for your loss. My doctor told me there was nothing I did that caused my losses (I have had too). It is hard to accept. I had testing done and the results came back that everything was fine. Part of me was relieved but part of me was sad. I wanted an answer and reason it happened so I could fix it and feel assured the next time it won't happen.

flowerintherain · January 2017

@Hopefulmommy1980 I'm sorry for your losses. Yes, I think that not having an answer to WHY, is a big part of my reason for not being able to feel closure. But I know many of us don't get answers, and it's just something we have to learn to accept. It's unfortunate though.

SP128 · January 2017

@Glitter I agree 100% with what you said. Life is so unfair. People who purposely try to hurt their unborn babies with drugs/alcohol simply do not deserve them. Yet they are fertile as hell.

jen83mn · January 2017

Just know that it is not your fault, but I understand blaming yourself ... I just had a miscarriage last week and the first thing I did was think of all the things I might have done to cause this.

*TW: LC Mentioned*
Like you, I had an easy pregnancy with my son, so this came as a total shock to us. All I could think about was what did I do differently the first time around that I didn't do this time that could have caused this to happen. The first time around, I stopped drinking caffeine an entire month prior to TTC. This time I drank it up until my BFP. Last time my DH was taking daily vitamins that are good for reproductive health ... this time he's been slacking and barely took them. This time I had the worst migraine 6 days before I got my BFP and I took Tylenol and drank a half can of pop to try to help. I know none of these ridiculous things caused this to happen, but it was hard at first to stop myself from going there. We search for answers to make sense of everything, even if there are no answers and it was just a sad thing that happened for no reason.

While I know none of these things contributed, I've already decided to stop drinking caffeine a month prior to trying again, am making DH take his pills daily, won't be having Tylenol during the TWW next time around ... I know that none of these things contributed, but I also know I need to do things differently next time just to make myself feel better and that I did everything in my power to have a healthy baby.

It's so hard ... but we'll get through this, and hopefully the next time will have a happy ending and we'll get our rainbows

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