Quick TTTC Checkin 01/11/2017

GoldenKeys · January 2017

Hi everyone,

Congratulations to any BFP's and hugs to anybody who needs one. Quick checkin this time, I'll update the statuses next week!

How is everybody doing?

QOTW: What famous person would you totally embarrass yourself/fangirl over if you saw them in the supermarket?

SoonToBeMommaHowe · January 2017

Good morning everyone!

We met with our RE Monday and our planning to start our first monitored Letrozole + trigger + IUI cycle once AF arrives. I know IUI success rates are pretty dismal so part of me just wanted to skip it and go straight to IVF, but my goodness the cost difference between the two is just insane. $238 for IUI, $14K for IVF. So three rounds of IUI it is.

QOTW: Tom Brady for sure. That man is so sexy

I would also probably make a fool of myself if I saw Jennifer Aniston, I love her.

hoffmanr7 · January 2017

Well, we are half-way through our 2 cycle break....but after what DH told me yesterday, I have a bad feeling we may be looking at holding off even longer. The sawmill where DH works may very well close. They process the product for log homes........and no house sales in a long time. Luckily, his brother-in-law has been wanting him to come work for him. It would be a good opportunity for him with a pension and family health insurance. But it would mean a relocation for us which means me having to find another job, having to buy a house (we currently live in a house on the mill property which has been great because we don't have to pay rent), and all the stress and money that goes with it. *sigh* Guess we will just have to wait and see what happens.

And to make it even more irritating, another girl at work told us yesterday her doctor thinks she might be pregnant. This would mean she has gotten pregnant, had a baby, and gotten pregnant again in almost the same time DH and I have been trying for 1.

QOTW: I think there are too many that I would embarrass myself/fangirl over....but I think the top ones would be: David Duchovney, Gillian Anderson (I'm a BIG x-files fan), almost any cast member from Supernatural (especially Jensen Eckles...he's just so yummy), Colin Firth, Maggie Smith, and most of the cast from Walking Dead (again, especially Norman Reedus, mmmmmm)....and I think we'll leave it at that otherwise this could be a very long post.

funkykey · January 2017

@hoffmanr7 - ugh. I'm sorry about the uncertainty with your DH's job. If there is a change in both of your works, and your home, I hope it (long-term) is for the best, despite any temporary difficulties you may encounter!

Also - so lame with girl at work. I'd find even that phrasing irritating: "my doctor thinks I might be pregnant." Um, what? We know a woman here who was confused between OPKs and HPTs, and went to her doctor after a positive OPK, like: "I think I'm pregnant." She told the story like: "My doctor said, 'no, you're not pregnant', so I went home, and then went back two weeks later, 'I'm pregnant now'. Isn't that funny?"

This was my face:

@SoonToBeMommaHowe - FX for you and this cycle!

I am at the very end of the TWW, and it is agonizing. Luckily, I've been really busy at work this week, so that is keeping my mind occupied! Some of my clomid side-effects- it's hard not to hope that they are pregnancy side-effects. I am trying to not get my hopes up, just taking it one day at a time.

QOTW: I thought a lot about this. I've actually seen some celebrities before - eg. once, in another city (during a film festival), I ate at a restaurant and Morgan Freeman was at the next table. It's not unusual to see celebrities where we live. (When Katie Holmes was still married to Tom Cruise, my sister ran into her at a yoga studio.) We even have some friends in the film industry, so I'm sure we might see more in the future. I always, always try to play it cool and to give them their privacy. But if I ran into Oprah, I would actually have a really hard time playing it cool.

ps. Tom Brady is sexy, but so is a young David Duchovny. My all-time favourite though is the young Harrison Ford - like Star Wars Harrison Ford. Humina humina.

Worldtravler0522 · January 2017

We have our transfer scheduled for 1/18! My lining is 13 and triple band so everything is looking great there. Now all we need is one of the two embryos to stick.

Question: I completely forgot in my original post! I love me some Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling.

mountainlady · January 2017

@SoonToBeMommaHowe good luck! A frustrating but sensible financial choice!

@hoffmanr7 what a pain! But it sounds like he's got a great option and being part of a family business could be awesome for when you have that little family. And im with @funkykey... who tells coworkers they *think* they may be KU?! Or maybe my reaction is a sign of obsession! Good list!

@funkykey fingers crossed it's not side effects!

I'm nearly finished my first round of Letrozole - intense headaches, but that's the only side effect I've noticed. WTO but so ridiculously optimistic about this month!

QOTW: Paolo Nutini would be pretty high up there! No judgement please... Nicholas Cage or Liam Neeson!

funkykey · January 2017

@Worldtravler0522 so excited for you! FX!

Worldtravler0522 · January 2017

Thanks @funkykey! Also I'm sorry your coworker was a jerk face. I agree with previous poster who says maybe I'm pregnant? Well, maybe I hate you.

laurad75 · January 2017

Hi gang. For the first time in a couple of weeks I have an update. Next Sunday will be my last dose of bc and then I will start my stims on CD2. I feel like I have been in limbo the past couple of weeks and then yesterday I had a great conversation with my nurse and we were able to make a plan as well as set up a meeting with the doctor, an IVF education session at the clinic and a call with a PGS counselor to go over those details. My ER should hopefully be in early Feb.

I generally embarrass myself in front of celebrities - I once asked Jennifer Garner if we went to school together because I couldn't figure out where I knew her from. Right now I don't think I could handle meeting Lin Manuel Miranda. I am certain I would make an ass out of myself. It would be worth it.

hoffmanr7 · January 2017

@Worldtravler0522 FX for sticky embryos!! Also, your comment "Well, maybe I hate you" almost made me snort my smoothie. LMAO.

funkykey · January 2017

@laurad75 - that is a very funny story re: Jennifer Garner. Hahaha!

But also (and more importantly

)- good luck with IVF!

notamyrtle · January 2017

@laurad75 Funny story indeed! Good luck with your coming cycle...

I'm still waiting for AF as I've posted on a couple threads. Yesterday I caved and took an HPT (BFN of course) even though I wasn't past my usual luteal phase and I rarely do that anymore. This cycle was a break after developing cysts from injectables on my last IUI. Now of course my RE had mentioned a few months prior that she sees a lot of women get pregnant on these 'break' cycles with cysts... Yet another one of those 'this happens for some people' that didn't happen for us.

Lately I've been having more thoughts about the cons of having kids, and wondering what to do with those thoughts. Now of course I'd probably give a limb to have a guaranteed child, but since it doesn't work that way, I'm pondering whether to nourish these thoughts. A tiny superstitious part of me says I should suppress these thoughts, lest they influence outcome somehow (not that I believe in things like the law of attraction.. if only it were that simple). But the self protective part of me thinks I should ponder these cons and try to see if I can brainwash myself into not wanting kids.

@Worldtravler0522 Good luck with the transfer!! I think this could be the one...

laurad75 · January 2017

@notamyrtle I know what you mean about those thoughts but I would say mine are more the positives of not having children. Maybe we could build a satisfying life just the two of us and be able to travel, have much more flexible lives, etc. It's not what we want but I do think about it sometimes in case we aren't able to GKU. We have a lot of steps before we go there but, like you said, the self-protecting part of my mind wanders there sometimes.

kaitlink33 · January 2017

We saw my new RE last Friday, I really like him. Now just waiting on stupid af since today is cd30 with a bfn and I'm getting impatient, I just want to start again not wait on af who is taking her good ol' time showing up. I had this really overwhelming sense of calm last week after my appt like yes, this is going to be our year I just know it....and then a few days later I started wondering what if I'm just calm because I don't care to get KU anymore...? Which is kinda how I'm feeling, I'm kinda over this whole ttc thing.

Qotw: brantley gilbert hands down....I mean I'm sure I'd fan girl over seeing quite a few cuz I'm just a dork, but I would probably be THAT fan if I saw brantley...

Worldtravler0522 · January 2017

@notamyrtle from your lips to god's ears! This is the first cycle we haven't told a soul we are doing it so it feels kind of weird. I get your feeling of that happens to other but no me. I try not to be so negative about it but this stuff is tough so I think it's pretty normal.

whenwillieversleep · January 2017

I just saw my RE for the first time a couple of weeks ago after unsuccessful months of taking progesterone pills prescribed by my OB. I did the cycle day 3 ultrasound and blood work and now I'm awaiting an HSG on Monday. Ohhhh I am soooo nervous for that. My husband drops his "specimen" off on Monday as well. After that we will be done all the testing and RE can point us in some kind of direction which I'm hopeful and excited about. Big bummer this month is I am scheduled for radiofrequency lesioning in my neck on cycle day 20 which I can't be pregnant for so I have to skip this cycle. I'm so upset about that because supposedly sometimes the HSG helps and I can't even try after I have it. I'm tempted to try anyway because what would really happen if I was only 5 days pregnant? Probably nothing. But I was told not to, so I won't. Nevertheless, I'm hopeful for next cycle because doc said we may be trying Clomid.

And I would love to see Wentworth Miller or Ryan Reynolds or Jamie Dornan just because they're so hot. But would like to meet the men from The Walking Dead just because I enjoy the show. I used to work backstage at a concert hall so I have already met a lot of musicians and comedians but never anyone I would go crazy over. Although back in 2000 when TRL was popular I told Carson Daly I " sweat your balls" when I was drunk. Yeah, embarrassing.

laurad75 · January 2017

@whenwillieversleep It's exciting that you are going through all the testing. I thought of that as my first step to making it all happen. The HSG is different for everyone but for me it was no big deal at all. It took 30 seconds and it felt similar to getting a pap smear - just a little crampy.

Some women are able to get pregnant after the HSG but the supposed 'benefits' can be the next few months so you still have a shot of taking advantage of that your next cycle.

MandyBeeSLP · January 2017

@notamyrtle I've definitely had those thoughts/almost fears and DH and I have talked about them too. I don't think it's an abnormal thing to think about. For a lot of people the decision to have kids does not have to be such a big undertaking as for those of us with infertility. I think with any large, life-changing and expensive life decision it's normal to think about both sides of the issue, even if you're already committed to one course. I wouldn't suppress the thoughts, but I wouldn't nourish them to "convince yourself you don't want kids" either.

I haven't updated in a while because nothing was really happening. We didn't do treatment this cycle because of travel and timing issues with the holidays. I am on CD 3. I was pleased that my LP was 12 days without medication this cycle as it is typically short. I have my baseline follicle scan and HSG on Monday (right there with you @whenwillieversleep ). I'm so nervous for the HSG. I know it can be kind of painful in a crampy way and just the anticipation of that is awful. Any great tips or things I should know about the HSG?

QOTW: I've met some celebrities at comic-cons before that I was prepared to see and didn't act like a complete goofball, so I hope if I would keep my cool with most famous people. But if I saw David Tennant or Benedict Cumberbatch probably not.

BenJay · January 2017

I have to admit, the last couple weeks have been challenging for me. Started a new job at the holidays and I am not sure if stress/hormones is entirely responsible for my elevated blood pressure, but it's elevated. Scheduled an appointment with a new GP at my HMO and hopefully she will be better than my last.

Hormonal AF right now, so trying to have reasonable expectations of myself this weekend. Thinking good thoughts for you all and hoping that I will have more time next week to participate on the board.

QOTW: Emma Stone or Amy Schumer. I'd want to be their bestie so baaaad.

funkykey · January 2017

@notamyrtle I really hear you. Another BFN this cycle, and I keep thinking about how uncomfortable the clomid was... but also that the discomfort of the clomid was nothing compared to the pain of getting my hopes up, again, and having them dashed. I just feel so demoralized. I feel like I've been beaten up, and I'm starting to think: "how long can I keep doing this to myself?"

I haven't romanticized parenting - I'm not going into all of this TTC business thinking: "well, when we have our baby, everything is going to be perfect". I know how tough it can be. Sometimes I worry that this IF is taking such a toll on me that I might even resent our baby. Really late at night, or when I'm really down, I wonder if I'm going to be angry that the child took so effing long to be born. I know - I KNOW - that's so illogical, but I think I have a lot of anger about this whole experience, and I wish - WISH - I had an outlet for it, but I don't, other than like yoga, exercise, and crying to my husband and my sister. Almost always, my anger is directed - I'm angry at someone who did something wrong, or I'm angry about a specific injustice. This isn't like that, and I don't know quite how to deal with it. I dunno. CD 1 is the worst.

Anyway, this whole thing is tough. I wish none of us had to go through any of this. I had really hoped that this cycle might be different for me, because it was my first medicated cycle. I had all these unusual cramps, I and thought: "maybe it's the embryo!" and now that I know it wasn't, I'm just worried that the cramps were actually cysts developing... that, and I feel like a fool for letting myself hope all over again. Grr.

notamyrtle · January 2017

@funkykey Sorry again about the BFN. The cycle of hope and disappointment really sucks. I think anger is a perfectly reasonable emotion to be feeling, but like you said, it's hard when the anger isn't directed towards anything (other than our bodies maybe), because then there isn't a clear action that can be taken to remedy the situation. I don't think you'll necessarily be angry at the child when it happens, but I wouldn't be surprised if the struggle does impact how people parent. I know my sister-in-law, who had success after infertility, basically does not discipline her children at all... and this is a woman who was the oldest of multiple kids and had been known to be 'the discipliner' in the family. Now that I'm in this situation, I kind of understand why she parents the way she does.

PoeMasque · January 2017

@funkykey omg, I completely understand! Every month I fantasize about it being THE month, then when AF comes I'm hurt and angry. In the year we've been trying almost all of our friends have gotten pregnant or are pregnant now and my resentment is often directed at them. I've been angry over friends who didn't research their leave policies or insurance before getting pregnant (even though they took a year to decide on TTC), mad at friends who freaked out over daycare because they figured you could just pop into one anytime, and furious at couples who boasted about "winging it" instead of learning about parenting. It's as if they take it all for granted and I often feel like they didn't deserve to have it so easy. I know it's just displacing my anger over our situation, but I had a therapist who once said "simetimes it's ok to imagine bad things happening to people, if it makes you feel better and you know you're not going to act on it, why not do it and move on?". I've started allowing myself to wallow in pity and resentment on CD1, but I have to move on after that.

I also understand the resentment of the hypothetical baby....I'm often angry that IF has stolen our excitement over TTC and replaced it with a burden that has definitely changed our relationship. There's a reason there are support groups for IF....it's terribly difficult and life changing.

funkykey · January 2017

@notamyrtle - I should probably mention, around CD 20 when I think I might be pregnant and start fantasizing about a BFP and calculating due dates and ultrasound dates and all of that, no part of me thinks I'm going to resent the baby. It's just CD 1-2 when I'm really down... It's such a slog! And such an emotional roller coaster!

@PoeMasque - yes re: imagining bad things happening to people. I mean, I was never one of those people who took their good health for granted (mostly because of my mother's ill health), but now that I'm in this, I keep thinking about all of the people around me who do! I was talking to my best friend about it this weekend. We know someone who seems to really take his good health for granted. It's like he really thinks he is so lucky because he deserves it, or he's somehow better than us. I know someone else who made comments before we had started trying, like about how easy it was for him to get his wife pregnant: "it's not that hard". And now, I think about those men, and I think: "One day, I hope you get sick." (And I don't mean the flu.)

My friend was like: "NO! No - you don't think that!"
And I was like: "Yes, sometimes I do. Because it's obnoxious and I actively want them to learn some humility."
She has more faith than I do that they will learn these life lessons eventually, but in the meantime, I find them so, so grating.

But yeah, I only hope this until around CD 2. Then I'm like: "Ok, don't look at anyone else, stay on my own path."

Also - I hear you re: the relationship. Not so much now, but around month 7/8 (not sure if I've told this story), once we had to BD when I was actively sobbing. Like full-on snot-nosed sobbing. Super sexy. I'd had a positive OPK, and I was so stressed about it - like we had to BD right away! even though we had the day before, and the day before that - and I realized when I took my clothes off that no part of me was even thinking about my DH or his body or what I liked about lovemaking. I was just thinking: "I want a baby, I want a baby", and I started crying because I was so sad for what I'd lost, that part of myself that didn't know what it was like to have sex for a reason other than joy. DH was, as you can imagine, horrified. I was hysterical, and the thought of stopping made it worse. Now, it's not so bad (thankfully!) - it's actually easier now that I don't think we have a shot at babymaking without science - but, you know. We have our war stories.

mountainlady · January 2017

@funkykey I had almost the exact same experience last night! It was once of the most miserable moments in this whole journey - knowing we needed to BD but sobbing like an idiot... DH was a trooper - he left the room for 15mins to let me pull myself together, then came in like nothing bad had happened!

funkykey · January 2017

@MountainLady - oh man! That is really good of your DH. My DH could probably be cool now, but at the time, we were both disasters... We even joke about it now, because it's so (darkly) funny... but for weeks after, DH was in a state of mild shock, like: "never again".

I realize I should have added a footnote here:

I started crying because I was so sad for what I'd lost, that part of myself that didn't know what it was like to have sex for a reason other than joy*.

*with DH... I'm going to ignore a couple of cringe-inducing encounters in my early 20s. Hahaha.

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