What to say to close friends announcement?

mcdonaldk1 · January 2017

Hi All,

One of my friends just announced her 3rd pregnancy This is a surprise/accident as was her 2nd child who just turned 1. I am struggling with how to relate to her for several reasons. 1) I don't want to, nor do I think I can handle her complain and moan about being pregnant and being worried about having another baby 2) she thinks she can relate to my infertility because of their short struggle trying to conceive but I really don't see our stories as being the same or similar.

She had been telling me she and her husband were going through something difficult back a while back--and I was able to piece together enough to know that she was pregnant. But she just "officially" told me in a text a few days ago, with no acknowledgment of how I might be feeling about it. I responded with a polite "how exciting, congratulations!" But I really don't know what else to say or how to handle this? Any advice?

JuliaGoolia719 · January 2017

Friends announcements are so hard for me. I've gotten in the habit of drinking a bottle of wine, crying for a bit and then getting around to sending a short/sweet text of congratulations.
All I can offer by way of advice is to just know your limits. If you guys are close then hopefully she will respect that there are some convos that you just can't have.

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

Ugh! This is a tough situation! Hopefully she can end it there and not push her baby talk on you. If she does- let her know your boundaries and hopefully it will work out.

LeFemmeViolette · January 2017

@mcdonaldk1 I feeeeel like we may know the same person! This literally just happened to me a few days ago.

funkykey · January 2017

I think it depends on how close you are, and how honest you want to be with her/how much you like her.

Your point with #2 gave me pause - I have one friend who will mention how devastated she was when they didn't conceive the first time (she's self-deprecating about it, but still) when I've confided that I've been upset about IF. I know she means well, and that she's trying to relate, but she got KU-ed her second month of trying: that is hardly the same as trying for 6 months even, or 10 months or a year. When she says it, I am mildly offended: it feels like she is being very presumptive. Do you think you might be a bit upset with her at how she's handled your struggles?

If she's a close friend, it might be worth having a sit-down conversation about all of it. Like, if you're upset about how she thinks she can relate to your IF, it might be worth saying something and establishing some boundaries.

She might be in a similar boat, feeling like you can't relate or would be insensitive. Or she might be feeling awkward about confiding in you, because she knows here she is, having what you want most when she doesn't want it - I'd even bet that's why her text to let you know was so abrupt. Either way, talking to her about it might bring you both comfort and support.

I think to be good friends, sometimes we have to put aside our own troubles and listen with open hearts. I mean, I cannot personally understand when people are upset about surprise pregnancies. Not only are we IF, but before we started trying, my DH was paranoid about knocking me up - if I'd even taken a BC pill late, no semen came near me. (We also live in a pro-choice climate, so on some level that colors my attitude towards unwanted pregnancies. I have more options than most women.)

Yet as unlikely as I am to experience an unwanted pregnancy, I cannot imagine how scary it would be to conceive a baby when you weren't ready or prepared. I know what it's like to be scared or overwhelmed, and my heart goes out to people who are in that position. People who are in over their heads or afraid of what happens next: I'd try to focus on that, and not the pregnancy. Sounds like with this 3rd baby she could use a good friend, someone to remind her that sometimes our fears (that we will be bad mothers, that we will not be able to give our children enough) are unfounded.

That said, if she's not close or if you're not comfortable being that open with her, you could just leave it. Your polite text is perfect.

LizzieJ13 · January 2017

I think your response was perfect. If she is indeed a close friend, she will understand that you can't do the constant pregnancy/baby talk. Likewise as a friend, I think you should make an effort to ask about how she's feeling, etc. once in a while.

Announcements and dealing with this are so hard... but it can also be viewed as an opportunity to grow in empathy on both sides of the fertility spectrum.

notamyrtle · January 2017

Yeah, I think a simple congratulations is appropriate, and then if she starts to gripe about morning sickness or something, maybe say something like, "I'm happy for you, but at this time in my life it's really hard to hear about the details of friends' pregnancies or be as closely involved as I'd otherwise want to be. I'm wishing for the best for you guys but right now I'm taking some space".

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

@notamyrtle I definitely did that recently with a friend - our official "break" is going on a month- though she did wish me Merry Xmas and I returned the compliment. She then tried to engage in convo but I shut that sh*t down with a non-response. "Good for you!" I think I said. She didn't reply.

notamyrtle · January 2017

@rainbowwishes5 Heh, good handling of the situation! Makes me feel less bad about how I'm handling similar situations. I have a close friend that I basically haven't contacted since her pregnancy announcement. She hasn't contacted me either. I feel like a bit of a jerk not inquiring, but also feel I need the space and don't really feel motivated to contact her. On the other hand, it feels unrealistic to just shut down all my friendships with women who are pregnant or TTC.

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

@notamyrtle you never now what a few months might bring you. If nothing else, maybe some peace? You can take breaks and/or quiet friendships down a bit if and when you need to. True friends will understand. The others aren't really worth your time I don't think.

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