[OLD THREAD] Why My Family is Driving Me Crazy 1.5

dmontgo · January 2017

Realized I haven't done this thread in a long time.

What is your family doing that made you wish your New Year resolutions involved changing your identity?

Mamax2 · January 2017

Maybe I'm the 1 in the wrong with this situation, so someone please tell me if I am. I won't get offended if you do.

We're supposed to be getting 3 inches of snow and ice tomorrow night and Saturday where I live. Now, the snow isn't really an issue, but people here in the south don't always know how to handle the ice, and since we don't get snow or ice very often, our state isn't equipped with enough of the equipment needed.

My SIL had my brother cremated, and his services are scheduled for Saturday morning. Our local police are putting out notices to stay off the road as much as possible this weekend. Our Pastor, my mom, and SIL's parents have tried to get my SIL to re-schedule services due to the weather, but she is down right refusing. She is saying that people can't get off work if we were to change the services to tomorrow or Monday. I don't think that people are going to be willing to come out in the snow and ice though. I broke down last night because if she doesn't re-schedule, I don't want to take Michael and Alexa out in those weather conditions. Alexa is already battling a cold, and I definitely don't want Michael getting sick. That means I'd miss my own brothers funeral because my SIL is refusing to re-schedule. Due to DH being out of work for 2 months, we can't afford to try to hire a baby sitter, if we could even find one willing to get out in the weather. We have people traveling in as well, that can't leave their home until Friday, and they're due to get snow and ice as well, so my father wouldn't be able to make the services either.

It would be a different story, in my opinion, if she hadn't had him cremated, as I know you can't really let a corpse sit for too long. But since she had him cremated, why not just re-schedule the freaking services?

End rant. Sorry

DiFazette · January 2017

@Mamax2 I don't think you're wrong at all. Why is your sister calling these shots? I'm in NC and we don't get much snow so everyone freaks the heck out when they even call for it - canceling school, activities etc before the first flake falls.

I also think it's not so considerate to your family and your brothers family (if he was married/had children) that there will be a very small turnout if left as is. Often times a big part of the healing process is to see your loved one live on through the eyes of others, and fondly share memories that you may not have lived firsthand. Keeping the date as is, takes that away from all of you. And I agree, if it was a burial I might feel different.

Hugs to you. No matter what happens you are trying to do what's right and respectful and I hope you can find peace in that. You continue to be in my thoughts at this incredibly difficult time.

cgss11 · January 2017

I don't think you're wrong, but I don't think she is either. Obviously everyone is grieving. I know if my husband died I wouldn't be thinking clear and would probably have "tunnel vision"...this is the date I picked, and that's it. I get it. So I would probably just accept that it won't change, and plan on going out in the weather. But you're def stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My family complaint goes out to my in-laws. They are obsessed with Facebook. Basically, if it's not on there it didn't happen. DH and I don't post much. We have a google drive we shared with everyone that we put baby pictures in. And in theory, in laws could take from there and post. Instead, they text us complaining they haven't "seen" the baby. We remind them of the Drive, but they've never looked at it (they admit). Then they start posting passive aggressive things on FB and reshare old pictures that we have posted and they've already shared once. They care more about showing her off for their own attention, then they do enough to go to the folder and pick a new picture to share...we add probably 10 a day. Whatever, I'm not changing.

BabyRobbinsAdventure · January 2017

@cgss11 my inlaws insist we do a "picture of the day" with them. I'm not flooding my FB feed or my friends feeds with pictures of my baby. We compromised and started a text group with the inlaws with a photo every day. If they want to copy the photo and put it on FB for their friends, they can do it themselves. Seems to be working well so far.

Mamax2 · January 2017

@DiFazette unfortunately, my brother never wrote his wishes out on paper because he always said he had plenty of time. So, SIL is saying that everything she has done/is planning was my brother's wishes. She hasn't allowed my mom or dad to be allowed in any of the planning of their own sons funeral arrangements. She swears that the snow and ice isn't going to hit us, but we are definitely in the affected area on the weather map, 3 inches of snow plus ice. I do agree to a degree with @cgss11 in that she probably has "tunnel vision" right now. I don't want to even imagine how it feels or what it does to you to lose your husband, but I think she should realize that others have lost their son, brother, uncle, etc. Thank you both for giving me some insight on both sides of the situation.

PensiveCrayon · January 2017

I've never participated in this thread, but wahoo, today I do have one!

My in-laws have been here since the 22nd. My mom has been here since the 26th. There is no baby. I need everyone to leave.

Honestly, my mom isn't such a problem. I mean, she's annoying in her own way, but she's here to help with the birth, so there's not much I can do about that. It's been nice to have here here. The really frustrating thing is the in-law situation. I told them back in November that I could possibly go two weeks overdue, as there is a history of it in my family, and that they should buy a return ticket, but they said, "No, we'd be spending the week between Christmas and New Year's with you anyway, and when we come to Vegas it's like we're home. We can do our own thing." But guess what? They're still driving me nuts. I feel like I'm expected to hang out with them instead of doing my own thing in my own apartment. (Yes, they have their own apartment here, in our own building. A definite blessing, but also a bit of a curse.) They make comments like, "You should wear black to dinner tonight for if your water breaks," and "Where's the baby?" And now that my husband has gone back to work, it's all the more frustrating not having him around as a buffer.

In some ways, though, I'm happy that the baby is taking his time arriving. Both as an "I told you so" and because I was already iffy about having them around so long after the baby arrived. If they could just get the heck out of Dodge as soon as I have this kid, that would be great. Gah. But I have no idea what their plans are. All I know is that my mom has a ticket home on the 12th.

DiFazette · January 2017

@Mamax2 I read your original post as sister not SIL (as in brother's wife.) That changes my opinion... she is next of kin and in that position I think it may be best to follow her lead.

penelope4612 · January 2017

@Mamax2 - I don't have any advice but I am sorry that you're going through this. It's an awful situation all around.

@PensiveCrayon - I totally hear you on the in laws. My in laws live about 4 hours away and never come for just a day - it's always several nights. They have visited twice in the past 3 weeks and are supposed to come again next weekend. MIL said something about visiting us at least once a month and then told a story about how when her mom moved away they agreed that her mom would visit her kids once a month. Um, ok. That doesn't mean you get to come up and hog a whole weekend of mine once a month. Sorrynotsorry.

slartybartfast · January 2017

@mamax2 - hugs. Family can be really stressful in times like this. I hope you're able to grieve your brother while taking care of your family in a way that feels right to you.

My son is my family and his toddler fits are driving me nuts. He was triple whammied with first Christmas (every day for like a week was exciting and fun and new and then it hard stopped because the holiday was over), a new sibling, and a bad stomach bug and his whining and fits have sky rocketed. I'm hoping that now that he's feeling better and things are settling down we'll see them die down but honestly I think the terrible 2s are going to be exhausting for a while. Plus we just got a foot of snow dumped on us and DH goes back to school now so it's all mom's game... cooped up inside... newborn and toddler... .AHHHHHHHH

Mamax2 · January 2017

Thank you all. I'm trying to let go of how I think it should be, and go with her wishes. It's hard, but if I don't, I'm going to get so worked up over it, that I'll miss my chance to grieve Saturday.

Christinaruth74 · January 2017

Ugh @Mamax2 I'm sorry you're sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place especially during a time of grieving. I think that your feelings and frustrations are totally valid, but I'd tend to agree with @DiFazette and say that as frustrating as it is, you just sort of have to follow your SILs lead on this one. Hopefully the weather will hold off and all of this will become a none-issue.

Hugs❤

@slartybartfast solidarity love tit. DD1 has overall been really well behaved since we brought Willa home, but the last couple of days have been an emotional rollercoaster with her. So many tears and whining and some sneaky little acts of defiance. She's definitely trying my patience and that has been worn pretty thin by exhaustion.

Mine is a delayed frustration with my mom last Friday. She took me to the hospital for the blood patch. I was barely coherent and it was my birthday yet somehow it all came back to her. Every nurse / doctor / security guard / janitor / etc we came in contact with got the story about how "31 years ago I was in the hospital with her and now here we are..." "you know her middle name is Ruth, which is my middle name and my mom's name and now it's her new baby's middle name. There's just something about us 'Ruths'!" Or when she started crying and saying "31 years ago my mom was coming to the hospital to help me just like I'm her now helping you. I wish I had appreciated her more, I miss her so much."

Literally everything came back to her and how she was feeling or how something (anything!) related to her. I was thankful I was in no shape to react or respond to anything because there was no expectation for me to respond. I just let her talk while I wanted to shoot my face off.

Christinaruth74 · January 2017

Resurrecting this thread for a minute...

just struggling with H's family. When we got married we had to set some boundaries. He had a lot of codependency issues with his family and was constantly on a mission to fix anything any way he could. Dont get me wrong, I'm not opposed to helping, but not when it further enables poor life choices. Anyway, we agreed a couple of years ago that we wouldn't give money. If the kids needed clothes, or if his siblings needed food, etc those are things we can offer but cash is a non-negotiable. I also think that some of his siblings correlate emotional stability with financial success and we are certainly not rolling in cash... anyway, he told me the other day that he gave a sibling $100 then went to visit his sister who is pregnant and on heroine and put $15 in her gas tank and bought her food. It sounds awful for me to be frustrated with that, but why would any of them ever change if there are still those with handouts to offer them? The SIL he gave the $100 to is having car troubles and is distraught over the money it's going to cost for repairs. He asked me what he should say to her to help her through it and I simply said, "um, how about that's life?!" No one is handing us cash when our car needs repairs and no one is patting us on the head or coddling us through it either. (ETA- I sound bratty. I should add that this is bothersome because we've suspected for some time that she has some substance abuse problems so cash is a risky gift. She also has manipulated others into giving her money or paying for her rent, cars, her son's homeschool curriculum... she expects these things to be taken care of for her and that's what frustrates me)
Hes beside himself because he knows he's regressing and he's just really discouraged that his family members are in these situations. I don't have anything to really say to him on the matter anymore because I'm just so over it.
I love him and I admire the huge and soft heart he has, there are just so many grey areas and caveats involved. Blah.

BabyRobbinsAdventure · January 2017

Why do my MIL and FIL think it's all the sudden cool to enter our house whenever they want through our garage? They live in NY, so it's not like they are here all the time, but when they were visiting all last week they would just come in the house. WTF? This has never been something that was acceptable in the past, why are you starting now? Boundaries people!!
Also surprised that they remembered the code to open the garage since we gave it to them once like a year ago when they needed to get in the house and we were across town, because we have not given it to them since.

yellingbanana · January 2017

Hugs ladies.
@Christinaruth74 that is especially hard, definitely stick with a no cash policy. And as difficult as it is, don't be too hard on your hubs, his heart is in the right place. Just support each other and don't give cash!

slartybartfast · January 2017

@christinaruth74 - ugh. I would be very uncomfortable with that situation. You should not feel like your point of view comes from a lack of generosity or anything like that. It comes from a very logical, healthy place. Even giving an addict material help rather than cash enables them to reserve any cash they do have for their addiction.

People fall in different places on how to be someone in an addicts life. DH and I are on the side of - we'll be in their life where it's okay with us, on terms that are ok with us, and we provide nothing except some social time. And we feel zero guilt about that. (just saying that for sake of solidarity as it sounds like that's more your point of view too).

Christinaruth74 · January 2017

@slartybartfast yesss. I'm all for visiting, lending an ear, offering encouragement however we can. And when it comes to the kids, I'm okay with picking up an outfit or something if that's what they need, but doing things to help the adults choosing to perpetuate these lifestyles, I can't get on board with. My H has been really discouraged since he gave the cash and gas and stuff. When we give in healthy ways it feels productive, but this time made him feel like he was sucked back into an unhealthy pattern himself.

BabyRobbinsAdventure · January 2017

Just got in a political argument with my cousin. Now I'm all hopped up on irritability and it's only 2:00. Ughh

MissLeighAndBabyG · January 2017

I'm a bit irritated with my mom at the moment. So we started talking again in October after about 8 or 9 months because she dropped in uninvited and trapped me in conversation and made offers that I'm in no position to refuse. That being said I set some clear boundaries about what kind of behavior was and wasn't acceptable and the consequences of unacceptable behavior. Time and time again she tries to corner me into uncomfortable conversations that we have already had in attempts to get new or different answers. I'm starting to get really annoyed with her antics. I'm not 5 and I don't need to be interrogated a million times over the same stuff.

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