MIL Smoking Rant...

Caitie81490 · January 2017

I'm almost 38 weeks pregnant with PIH so I've been monitored closely the last few weeks to ensure I don't develop pre-eclampsia. My mil is usually outspoken but doesn't usually step on our toes. She's a smoker and there's been a few times we've gone over to her house and she's lit a cigarette. She doesn't do it near where I'm sitting but will still do it on the other side of the room. I've mentioned it to DH and he said he'd say something next time she did it. When we were over last night for him to help her change sink faucets, she lit a cigarette. He said it bothers him that she's "doing it while his pregnant wife is sitting in the room" and she replied with "I did it around you and your brother when you were babies and you turned out just fine." I was furious and we didn't stay too much longer. I get that it's her choice and her house but I would think that in the interest of her granddaughter, she'd be a little more understanding. DH's dad and stepmom are also smokers but they go outside so that their house doesn't overwhelmingly smell of smoke and so that his stepmom's grandchildren and guests aren't inhaling it.

MIL also said for us to "not be offended but" since my mom is going to be much more hands on when baby is born that she isn't taking any time off to be with us but instead can come over in the evenings if we would like or need help. Which will probably work out better since DH will be home from work by then and I can take a nap, do laundry, or something.

While I'm on the topic, lots of people have bought baby clothes for us (ranging from 0-3 mos up through 12-18 mos) and she laughed at the fact that the baby will probably wear half of them. We honestly don't have THAT much, just enough that I'm sure by the time spring comes, I'll need to buy more 6+ mos. And even if we do, she'll never have to be seen in the same outfit twice

This is the first grand baby on both sides of our family and just bothers me that she was so rude about the smoking. We were planning on bringing baby to her for a couple months when I go back to work in March before summer break starts. DH and I have discussed that the smoking around the baby isn't ok but obviously we need to get her on that page. Otherwise, we need to figure out a plan soon.

Any advice on how to discuss the smoking issue? Just needed to rant a bit. Sorry!

ColeBug89 · January 2017

*Lurking from F17*

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I had my DD two weeks ago at 34 weeks and I've been constantly worried about her spending time at my ILs since they are smokers and DD is a preemie. Luckily, they only smoke outside and no where near DD, but I would absolutely be furious if they smoked in the house and/or near her!

I don't know if this would help, or if this would be appropriate given the relationship with your MIL, but maybe you could get some literature (a pamphlet or something) from your OB or DD Pedi about the dangers of smoking to give to your MIL?

Sometimes seeing things written on paper makes it seem more "real." My own mother swears that the flu shot gives her the flu, so I showed her the paperwork I got with my flu shot that specifically says the flu shot does not have live flu virus in it.

I hope your MIL is able to realize how dangerous it is to smoke around pregnant women and infants!

myriamc96 · January 2017

My dad smoked around me and my siblings, out of 6 of us, 3 of us has asthma now. No family history of asthma and we weren't born with it, so smoking around children truly is a serious thing. You may have to be firm with her, seeing as she shrugged off you asking her not to smoke around you pregnant. For me it would come down to if you smoke around the baby, you won't be allowed around the baby. But of course try to just be honest about how you feel about it and why you don't want your baby breathing in smoke, and then if she continues to say it won't hurt the baby be firm. Best of luck!

sarahmsoda · January 2017

This would drive me nuts. I run a care home in my house and our guys almost all smoke but they do it outside. I rarely even smell smoke on them and they won't be having tons of interaction with the baby so it won't be a huge deal.

In my province in Canada its illegal to smoke with a child in your car. So clearly smoking around children has adverse effects. I don't really know anyone who smokes inside anymore so I definitely think its okay to say if she plans to smoke inside you won't be bringing your baby over there. She can argue all she wants but she will likely change her turn pretty quick if its limits her time with her grandchild.

MamaandNurse · January 2017

My MIL is also a smoker. She will only smoke outside but my rule is that she must wash her hands and change her shirt right after before going anywhere near a baby. It may be her decision to smoke but it's your baby.

Smoking sucks. It's dangerous to everyone around it and is just gross. (Sorry, not sorry to anyone here that's a smoker.) My MIL promised that she'd quit if we ever gave her a grandchild. DD1 is five and she still puffs away. -_-

Caitie81490 · January 2017

Thanks ladies, like I said, I just needed to vent. Growing up, both of my parents were smokers and it killed my dad when I was 14. My mom quit right after that. DH and I had this discussion last night. He said he won't bring the baby over if she is still planning on smoking in the house. He's going back over on Saturday to help finish a couple projects so I'm staying home so they can have a chat about the concerns we have. DH's grandma lives with his mom, she has CHF and breathing problems and MIL still smoke around her. MIL works from home and it sounds like the plan was Grandma was going to care for the baby for the most part then if she needed changing or anything else, MIL was going to come out of her office to help. I'm sure MIL is thinking that the smoking wouldn't be an issue since they won't be in the same room. I'm not okay with that and neither is DH so they'll be talking about that as well. FIL and his wife are retired snowbirds and so I am hoping they will be settled back at home by the time I go back to work to help out but I also have my stepdad who is also retired and available to help. MIL wasn't the sole option of childcare after I go back to work but it was definitely the more convenient option because she lives 5 minutes away on my way to work. Whatever the case is, DH and I will make it work. I hate putting him in the middle of this situation with his mom but this is an issue that's been lingering since I've gotten pregnant.

Kimberlyh90 · January 2017

If she says that comment about smoking around your Husband again, I would have him tell her that that was before they realized how dangerous second hand smoke actually is. Maybe like PP said, show her some hard evidence, but it comes down to it being your baby. If she doesn't want to change, then she doesn't need to see your baby.

Kittievr4 · January 2017

agree with the PP, It's your baby - your rules. My dad smokes, always has, but never in the house and always washes his hands when he comes back in the house. No matter where he is. He's the only one on either side of the family that we see who smokes.

sagoon · January 2017

If it were me, I simply wouldn't bring the baby over there. Her house, her rules, fine. Your baby, your rules. Smokers don't realize how badly the smoke saturates *everything* around them (I say this as a former smoker). I would not want my child in a place where people smoked indoors.

lindaisy86 · January 2017

I lived with my sister when she had her baby 8 years ago. Although she quit while pregnant, we both smoked after she had my niece (I continued to smoke until I found out I was pregnant this past May). We had an entire ritual we would go through - we both had a set of clothes by the back door (sweater & jogging pants) that we would put on while we smoked and took off when we came back inside. We had soap, mouthwash and toothbrushes beside the kitchen sink so would could thoroughly clean our hands and mouths before picking up the sweet babe again. I remember telling a lady at work about this at the time and her reaction was "If you two would put half as much effort into quitting smoking as you do protecting that baby from the smoke, you'd have quit by now" and she was probably right, lol.
My husband still smokes and I intend to put him through a similar ritual when he comes back inside (we've always smoked outside) before he can pick up our son.
And I agree with all the PP, it's your baby and your rules. I would not feel comfortable taking my child to a house where the people smoked inside regularly, even if they smoked outside while we were there. Stay firm and good luck!

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