Bachelorette party

onaed · December 2016

So I am the matron of honor in my best friends wedding. Her bachelorette party is 9 weeks after my due date. Given that it's impossible to know how each pregnancy will go or even how you'll feel mentally / emotionally, how would you address it? Would you bring up the concern now and decide in the spring or closer to, or would you tell her to count you out now? If it was anyone else it would have been a simple upfront no, this one I'm trying to figure out how to make work.

lizerspitz · December 2016

Can you deligate most of the party planning? Being there is probably her highest priority for you.

Mashunya425 · December 2016

I would probably not take on any of the planning, as I would be uncertain if I can even make it. Do you have to fly anywhere for it?

You have to to keep in mind that baby might be late. You might have a c section with a longer recovery time. There are a host of other things that might make it unlikely to be able to make it.

If it were a close friend of mine I would probably still politely decline... but at best I would say to count me as unfortunately a strong "maybe" (assuming no travel necessary). That would be the most I could promise.

LOTON01 · December 2016

Honestly, if I was the maid of honor and the party is local I would make a point to go. Even if you are only there for 15 minutes or something very small like that. I would assume since you are the matron of honor she is a close friend and would be disappointed not to have you there.

I would help with planning and delegate anything that needs to be done close to the party.

ellie111227 · December 2016

It sounds like the date for the party can't be changed at this point? If it is possible (as in, you are hosting it and nothing has really been set in stone yet), I would try to move it to sometime a month before or at least 3 months after your due date. Barring that, I would give a very tentative maybe at best, assuming it is local. At that point after my daughter was born, there is no way I would have been able to go to something like that. I had a really hard time throughout the first four months or so. But some people are running around doing regular life by 8-9 weeks with everything figured out, so you never know. Just make it clear you can't commit.

onaed · December 2016

Unfortunately it isn't local so it would be 1.5 days away. For my last pregnancy I had a c-section and was very active within weeks and had a good supply. HOWEVER I can't assume that this pregnancy will be the same. I think I'll give her the strong maybe as some of you said, and help with the upfront planning but look to delegate prior to (in the spring) assuming that I can't make it.

Quite frankly I feel guilt even considering going, but also feel bad missing this for her (she is amazing and jumps over hoops for me, and though she'd understand I know it would mean a lot for me to be there). The funny thing is 6 weeks after my first pregnancy my husband went away for a weekend trip with the guys- I'm sure he did not struggle with making that decision at all. Ha.

Stankonia2014 · December 2016

Before I read that it was away, I would've suggested to go, however, I'd see if another person in the bridal party could help shoulder some responsibility, I'd leave your attendance up in the air.

ladylolly89 · December 2016

I was away from DS overnight when he was two months old (we left him with my mom so that DH and I could go out, relax, and enjoy DH's birthday).
It went very well.

I don't think I would have left him with my mom if I'd have had to go out of town, however, but if DH was the one watching him then I wouldn't have a problem with it. For me it would have depended on:
A) who would care for baby and how much I trust them
B ) adequate amount of stored/pumped milk
C) how I am doing emotionally. Will it absolutely tear me up to leave baby overnight?

It's just impossible to know these things at this point, though!

stella1011 · December 2016

I'm in a similar boat...bridesmaid in a wedding 10 weeks after my due date. Only the wedding is in Europe....ugh! I'm planning to go, but told the bride that I'll be there so long as everything goes smoothly with delivery and the first few weeks. She didn't really take that well and basically demanded confirmation(total bridezilla), but that's the best I can do. I would suggest you do something similar...but also definitely delegate all the matron of honor duties. Baby comes first!

onaed · December 2016

@ladylolly89 thanks for that feedback, definitely helpful and echoes my feelings. You're right, at this point I only know the answer to #1 - DH (with support of my nanny or grandparents). I'll put myself on the maybe list for now.

Wino0920 · December 2016

9 weeks seems like a lot of buffer time. My advice would be to plan on attending, but with the understanding things can change. Have a couple of girls as "helpers" with planning. Even if you are late, you will still have plenty of time to delegate your duties and responsibilities, if something comes up and you can't make it.

Elyse1384 · December 2016

I was a bridesmaid on my best friend's wedding when DS was born. I live in MA and the bachelorette was in TN. I was nearly 2 months postpartum and left for 2.5 days. Pure hell for me! I missed my baby and couldn't really enjoy the festivities since I was constantly pumping. I could barely pump enough for him as it was so I was also stressed about not being able to toss the milk. I learned my lesson when my cousin asked me to be in her wedding. Her bachelorette was around the same timeline after DD was born and I politely declined participation. I helped the girls plan the trip and sent along money to cover some of the activity and meals/drinks for my cousin. Everyone understood.

alm52386 · December 2016

I was on the other side of this kind of situation. My best friend couldn't make it to my actual bachelorette party because she was due right around that time. We had a weird schedule of events and had the shower after the wedding (out of state, family only wedding). I told her the shower date and she said she would be there and we decided to do a repeat bachelorette party later that evening at my brothers house. More like a co-ed backyard BBQ. Anyways. She cancelled last minute. Like the day before. She said she was packing and just cried and cried and couldn't leave her baby. I understood but on the other hand it would have been nice if she had told me ahead of time, hey, I'm not sure how I'll feel at that time so maybe don't plan all this extra stuff just for me. Also, she lives in Michigan and the party was in Illinois. And this was her third baby. She assumed she would be totally fine since it was her third but nope! So I agree that letting her know you might not be there is the way to go. Better to have advanced notice than plan on going then change your mind at the last minute.

anitamargarita_82 · December 2016

@onaed Not to come off sounding catty or mean but could you introduce yourself to the group? You're not on our spreadsheet and you've only participated in 1 other discussion in our group? Are you a June mommy to be? Please tell us about yourself.

MrsCaliRN · December 2016

If I were you, I'd absolutely go! I remember really wanting to get out and feel like myself after recovering from birth. I wouldn't leave LO 1.5 days away, though. That'd be a lot for the both of you guys! Leaving a 9-week-old LO will be pretty tough, especially if you are breastfeeding. You'll need to pump every 2-3 hours minimum which may mess up your girls' night a bit, but I suppose you could plan around it like bring a handheld pump and dump since I assume you'll be drinking.

But, seriously, you should go. Take on minimal responsibility and if you end up going, pay for a round of drinks or something

wifeinraleigh28 · December 2016

I personally wouldn't put ANY pressure on myself to be there that soon after giving birth (or that close to giving birth), but that's just me and if she is a really good friend she would understand. I would never expect a friend of mine to come to my party that close to her due date! If you can't move the date of the party, I would let her know that I probably can't make it due to the obvious reason.

mombod · December 2016

Just an added note... no need to pump and dump. Milk is gold and dumping can make you feel more emotional. You can safely breastfeed and/or pump from light drinking. If moderatly drinking you can just mix that milk with other milk to further dilute it.

virginiaunicorn11 · December 2016

The idea of leaving my 2 month old at home while I go out of town (for any reason) is a hard no for me, personally. It's a bummer for sure, but attending and being miserable (or even finding a way to bring baby and a sitter and partially attending) sounds so much worse than not going.

Can you arrange something special and super thoughtful that is a "there for you in spirit" (champagne for everyone and a video message of a cute rhymey poem about your friendship and her big day or something), to show you genuinely care? The first few months with baby are SO important...!

ShadeofGreen816 · December 2016

*lurking from May*

can you arrange for your H and baby to come along for one night? Stay down the hall or something? Then you could still nurse and also be a part of the festivities. It sounds like you really don't want to miss out and I wouldn't either but maybe having them nearby would take off some pressure?

Mtnmommy · December 2016

I'd have an honest heart to heart with your friend about it, and see if you can't work something out.

semicolon · December 2016

1.5 days away?!? No. Stay home. You will be in early recovery and be sooo tired with a newborn. Not to mention the logistics of breastfeeding and pumping if you go that route.

Wino0920 · December 2016

I giggle when I hear moms telling other moms how they will feel, as if there are no other feelings and only theirs can be right. I know it's only meant to help, but really you have no idea how she will feel.

She might be itching to get out and she might just want to stay home. I was ready both times to go out and do what I needed, especially 2 months later. I know women who were not. Everyone is different.

No one actually knows.

jc_twomamas · December 2016

@onaed it's probably going to come down to how you're feeling overall. For planning, maybe get as much done before baby and then delegate to other ladies going?

One of of my best friends is getting married in July, I am a bridesmaid. Her Bach party is planned for the end of June in Chicago (we're in mid Michigan, EDD June 1st).

The plan *for now* is for DS to stay with grandma, and DH and DS2 to come with me to Chicago and stay at my Aunts. I'll pop in and out of the Bach weekend as I feel. Or I won't go at all and we will stay home in MI. It's a game time decision and my girlfriend knows that, and 100% understands.

So I guess my advice would be, talk to your girlfriend and do whatever is best for you when the time comes.

onaed · December 2016

@Wearmi1

My apologies, I did not realize I was supposed to fill out a spreadsheet before speaking in the discussion board (completely missed that on baby 1 -yikes!) I have just updated the google file with my info. I am not sure why you believe I've only participated in one other discussion, I know that I have participated in at least 4 by now...

Did you have any advice on this actual thread or was my status the only concern?

virginiaunicorn11 · December 2016

Wino0920 said:

I giggle when I hear moms telling other moms how they will feel, as if there are no other feelings and only theirs can be right. I know it's only meant to help, but really you have no idea how she will feel.

She might be itching to get out and she might just want to stay home. I was ready both times to go out and do what I needed, especially 2 months later. I know women who were not. Everyone is different.

No one actually knows.

This is true of 90% of threads on here, besides What Are You Eating, HDBD, and symptoms. And if the topic is not specific to the mother, it's specific to the baby or the pregnancy, or just go ask your freaking doctor if your obnoxiously common symptom is normal or not.

So yeah, sure, you're right. But she asked. So what's the harm in chatting about all of our experiences?

Wino0920 · December 2016

@virginiaunicorn11 Chatting about experiences and telling someone what they are going to feel and do are completely different. "you WILL feel like this" and "say no because you won't want to go!" Is different than saying "this is how I handled this situation.."

anitamargarita_82 · December 2016

@onaed I just wondered who you were. We have intro threads and a spreadsheet so we all can introduce ourselves and get to know one another especially when you come to the message board and want everyone's advice on something and we don't really know who you are. I mean truthfully I thought you were some random person posting in our board. Either way introduce yourself and welcome.

onaed · December 2016

Wearmi1 said:

@onaed I just wondered who you were. We have intro threads and a spreadsheet so we all can introduce ourselves and get to know one another especially when you come to the message board and want everyone's advice on something and we don't really know who you are. I mean truthfully I thought you were some random person posting in our board. Either way introduce yourself and welcome.

If you were concerned about me being a random, you could have simply sent me a private message rather than trying to alienate publicly me on a thread and question whether or not I have been active on other discussion threads incorrectly. If you searched my history, you would have seen me post about the gender, double stroller research and the prenatal testing where I shared a very personal experience about child loss in July. In all of these threads I shared the same basic info that is in the introductions, so I surely would hope people did not think I was just a random or lurker.

Again I have just filled out the spreadsheet with age, location etc. and replied to the intro thread. I hope that you are now more comfortable with me being on this birth club with you, and would love your input on the actual discussion at hand. Thank you for the warm welcome.

anitamargarita_82 · December 2016

Totes!

delujm0 · December 2016

I still haven't left my 18 month old overnight. She nurses to sleep still (though is finally starting to wean), but honestly I just don't want to be away from her unless it's absolutely necessary. I like her and I like being with her. It's entirely possible that my first night away from her will be when I'm at the hospital delivering this baby (though I will transition her to being put to sleep by other people before then as MIL will likely be the one with that responsibility while we're gone).

I can't imagine leaving that early on not just bc I would miss her and be exhausted but also the pumping would be torture...making sure you had enough saved up to cover your trip and then pumping every 2-3 hours around the clock and ensuring the hotel had a fridge and getting it back home safely...hard pass.

I missed my sister's bachelorette bc I was 8 months pregnant and it was out of state and it was fine. She didn't care, even though I was MOH. She understood. Talk to your friend.

That said, my BFF just went to a wedding in Jamaica for 4 nights (her SIL) and left her 10 week old at home with her mom, so this would bother some people more than others. Depends on your personality really. I'd warn your friend that you won't know how you'll feel until last minute and get help with planning and not stress about it.

kfry22 · December 2016

You mentioned above it want local. Is it far enough away that you have to fly? And also, do you plan to breastfeed? I had to fly for work when my son was 6 months old and still breastfeeding. I was a nervous wreck because of that. The logistics of flying with a breast pump, pumping in the airport, pumping during the conference I attended, and dumping the milk out cause I didn't have a good way to get it home was rough on me. Not sure this is applicable to you and this situation but wanted to share just in case.

Ultimately I don't think you'll know how you will feel until that time comes. Every labor, delivery, recovery, baby, and mom is different. I would have an honest conversation with your friend and tell her you would like to be there but can't garuntee it. I think everyone above has given really good advice and ideas as well.

onaed · December 2016

@kassyfry yeah I'd have to fly (boo). Last January when I flew for work (was still pumping), the gate representative pulled out my cooler and loudly announced "mommy milk", I wanted to die, but at least I was able to keep it haha.

I spoke to my friend yesterday and she was cool with it. I am just going to be considered a "maybe" and will decide after the baby comes. In the meantime I will share everything planning related with a "definite attendee", so that people won't be unprepared if I don't come.

wifeinraleigh28 · January 2017

My sister missed my bachelorette party because she had a 1.5 year old and was newly pregnant with her 2nd. I really didn't think that my bachelorette party was that big of a deal anyway, just a night out on the town with the girls. I personally wouldn't travel for a bachelorette party, especially with a 2 month old baby at home!

schnitz9 · January 2017

Lurking from May 17. I'm my sisters Matron of Honor and I'm planning her Bachelorette 12 weeks after my due date. To be honest I have no issues with going. Maybe because it's 4 weeks later than yours. But We will be flying and I'm gonna be away for 4 days. Maybe I'll get flamed for being a bad mom, but to be honest I'm kinda looking forward to it. I will also have a 2 1/2 year old so I look at is as maybe some peace and quiet before I go back to work the week after I get back. I already let my sister know that I will be going on the trip but not to expect me to go out late at night. I'll prob do dinner and then head back to the hotel. I was unable to BF with my son so I'll have my pump with me. My husband has already agreed that he has no problems being home with the boys while I'm away. My parents are going to come and stay to help and his parents live 15 mins away from us too. When is the wedding? Are they sooooo dead set on this date for the bachelorette? I mean after all you're the matron of honor it really should be what date you and the bride pick. We had some of the girls give some push back wanting to do it earlier to appease their schedules but my sis and I put our feet down. He wedding is sept 16th and we are doing it the last weekend in aug. Some of her friends were a bit bitchy about it, but we both say F**k em. My point is if there is some wiggle room to push the date back a week or two it doesn't hurt to speak with your friend about it. After all we all know that every day counts when theres a newborn involved.

onaed · January 2017

@schnitz9 her wedding is September 23rd. She is away most of the August weekends except my wedding anniversary which I know she intentionally left off the table (that's also the last week of my maternity leave so I'm glad she didn't pick the last weekend in August). The other dates on the table were actually earlier in July so I picked the latest one that was available. We shall see, game time decision!

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