Multiple TW: cutting my mom out? Update

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

I'm feeling very emotional and I dk where to start. Firstly when I had my 2 losses each at or near 5 weeks my mother had zero emotional responses. When I told her I was KU!!! She just kind of blanked me and I dk why (especially the first KU when I was all hope). Then when I lost my baby She told me it wasn't her child and she hadn't known about it long enough to get invested. Then for loss #2 maybe she was bracing for it but again- zero joyful response at KU or sorrow at loss. Flash forward NYE and my brother tells her his wife is KU and I tell her seperately that I lost 5 of my 7 embryos and only have 2 left. I'm an bereft. She tells my brother to call me to tell me that he and SIL are KU to "cheer me up." Well funnily enough it didn't cheer me up. And that day after finding out she is telling all her friends and toasting the baby etc where she did NONE of this for either of my babies. W in the AF is going on here? So I basically told her to shove it- I can't take her insensitivity towards me - especially at this time in my life. Also since all along my IVF journey she's been telling me it's against her (our) religion (meaning I'm risking hell for this baby). Ugh. Just wanted to vent since I can tell no one in real life and she my only parent. And the KU one is my only sibling and I have no other family.

update; so after a crazed exchange via text she eventually came over and we patched things up. She said she was upset that she thought I wish she had died and not my dad and her birthday was forgotten in the uproar over this and it was a mess. But for now all is ok. She's just so bad at communicating it's literally painful at times. I dk. Ugh. Parents, man. Thank you all though. You are all constantly supportive and I love you for it my sisters.

daisy222-2 · January 2017

I am so sorry. I can't imagine the pain of opening up to her about this and having her be so insensitive in return. So many things wrong here! Being so excited about your brother/SIL KU and having no reaction about yours makes no sense. Thinking that somebody else's announcement will cheer you up might be the worst thing I've heard in a while! Ugh.

Combining that with the religious judgements, it sounds like any small amount of support you are getting (if any?!?) is not worth dealing with this other mountain of crap. Personally I don't think you should feel badly about telling her to shove it.

JuliaGoolia719 · January 2017

I'm just so sorry that you're dealing with that. This whole thing sucks enough without dealing with shitty family reactions/judgements.
At a certain point you have to respect the boundaries that protect your heart and mind during all of this, and you can't feel bad about that.

latershrader · January 2017

@rainbowwishes5 I'm so sorry you feel so unsupported by your parent. It's unimaginable. I hope you have others in your life that can give you the support you need. I know it's not the same as your mom being joyful and/or grieving with you, you at least have someone that does love you and holds you up. Know that we are here, at the very least.
If it were me, I would stop sharing with her. She doesn't deserve your heart-felt joys and losses if she can't provide proper support.

KLake42 · January 2017

I'm sorry you're dealing with religious judgment. I haven't felt that for IVF, but I've certainly had my share for other parts of my life.

It's a very hard thing to feel judged and rejected by a parent. It's a struggle, and it takes strength to bear it. I think it's perfectly reasonable to cut her out of the information loop for a while.

I'm also so sorry for the losses you've experienced.

funkykey · January 2017

@rainbowwishes5 - bah, I'm sorry you're going through this. Between your mom and that friend you had to cut out a few weeks ago, sounds like you are cleaning house!

I've tried to piece through your IF journey - I know you've had some losses, but because you don't have a signature and it wasn't in your intro post, I don't know exactly where you are on your journey. I know you've done IVF, and I'm so sorry for the lost embryos.

I assume you have been TTC for a long time - long enough to do IUIs and IVF. If I'd been TTC for months, then got pregnant with an IUI, then MC, I would be devastated. If I'd been TTC for months and got pregnant with an IUI, and I told my mom and she weren't happy at all, I'd be angry with her, for sure. But if I got pregnant the first time I'd tried, and I told my mom early and she were circumspect/not excited, I wouldn't be angry. Does that make sense? My expectations would change depending on where I was in the journey. Similarly, if she was only toasting for my brother's baby after the pregnancy were 12 weeks - like if she only celebrated at that point and not sooner - I wouldn't be angry either, mostly because I'm a little like that - like I don't think we'll really celebrate openly until we are further along.

I'm going to assume though that you have been trying for a long time, and that your mom is not being helpful with all the bad stuff. Like she's celebrating your brother, but not coming over with chicken soup after your MCs or FET. Hm.

I totally agree with @JuliaGoolia719 - during this, we need to protect our hearts and minds, and we can't feel bad about it. I think cutting her out of the information loop/not relying on your mom for support, might be a wise thing to do. You might want to talk to her about it, but depends on your relationship.

I have a pretty honest relationship with my dad, like I'll tell him when I'm angry about something he's done, or said, so I would... He said something to me a couple of months ago about wanting another grandchild - he knows we're struggling - and I lost it on him. Like: "You are so insensitive. Instead of worrying about more grandkids, how bout you be a good father to the kids you actually have, like me." But he is generally supportive and loving, so it's safe for me to challenge him like that.

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

@funkykey no sig Bc this is 100% on my phone. So I don't see others sigs either. M/c were not my first tries. I've been at this for well over a year now. SIL is 6 weeks preg. And my dad died last year. God I miss my dad- Bc you are right- he'd make it better and I don't have him. Oh God I miss my Dad.

funkykey · January 2017

ugh, @rainbowwishes5 I'm sorry about that too! What a terrible run! Mourning your dad and being IF - UGH. I am keeping my FX for a better 2017 for you! xo Good luck with your mom!

ps. I do not like TB on a phone!

JuliaGoolia719 · January 2017

@rainbowwishes5 I lost my dad at the beginning of 2015, right as we were realizing that IF was our new reality. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with that loss on top of everything else.

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

@JuliaGoolia719 I am so sorry lady. It sucks so much! All I can do is offer hugs.

JuliaGoolia719 · January 2017

thanks @rainbowwishes5! I'll take all the hugs I can get

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