FFFC 12/30

ChefRamsay · December 2016

Flame Free Friday Confession!

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*Flame free not guaranteed

midsomervillage · December 2016

I've been waiting for the proper thread to complain about this. I don't mean to offend anyone - these are my personal feelings only and just apply to my situation in life. Possible TW ahead.

I'm getting very tired of people saying "just adopt" - "there are so many kids who need a home" to people and to me - struggling to conceive a baby. I've been reading it on other forums and it just gets to me. I've actually looked into adoption and as much as my heart aches for kids who need a home, it wouldn't work for us right now. *end possible TW

ETA: Thanks for reading my rant/non-positiveness above. I hope no one gets offended at what I said.

kaitlink33 · December 2016

@midsomervillage I am right there with you! As much as I would love to adopt and help kids who need a home, #1 it's expensive and #2 I still selfishly want a biological child of my own. I am here for my step son and am more of a mother than his own even though we only get him every other weekend but it's not the same, I know I'm not his mother and I want that special bond if that's what you wanna call it.

eggplantface · December 2016

@midsomervillage I actually used to prefer adoption, because I didn't want to go through the physical trauma of pregnancy/delivery, but do you know how expensive it is?? That's why I eye roll at "just adopt," because you don't "just" anything! Not to mention the dismissiveness of the phrase; some women really want the experience of being pregnant and having their own children. It's insensitive and cruel to dismiss those very valid feelings, or make someone feel guilty for wanting their own child. Let's let people do what they want and not judge.

midsomervillage · December 2016

@kaitlink33
Yes exactly, I would like that special bond. I figure I wasn't alone in my feelings but it's good to hear from others!

@eggplantface
I looked into adoption for the same reason because of some physical stuff. Anyway I got over the physical stuff. I recently looked into it again since TTC is taking a while, to see if my feelings had changed and no, I feel the same. (ETA: Who knows, we may change our mind, but not now.) I agree - the dismissiveness really gets to me.

[Deleted User] · December 2016

I am so very much in love with my husband. Much time in our earlier dating was spent dreaming about what our kids would be like - what HIS babies would look like, imagining their heads of hair and little faces - how HIS SONS would get all these great traits from their father. To watch DH see his sons grow up and become fathers themselves one day. To nurture my brilliant little daughters' creativity, intellectual curiousity, tell them all about their awesome great-grandma and grandparents. To have a sweet little boy and, in him, see DH and my own father rolled up into one. We want *lots* of kids, so we only ever saw adoption as a way, if we could only have so many of our own due to starting late, to grow our family even more! If we truly cannot have children, and our choices are ivf (or not even), adoption, or childless-not-by-choice... I still don't know how that would unfold. To say oh "just" adopt or oh, so you can "just" do ivf or oh, so you two can "just" do you! Like @eggplantface said, none of those things are a "JUST," at least not in my book... :/

kaitlink33 · December 2016

So, I am part of a fb group of women with PCOS who are ttc (mostly so I can tell them, no there is no line on your stark white bfn test). I just want to know why on earth people insist on putting pics of their tests and cm on fb and showing people they don't even know?!?! Who takes a picture of your cm??? Gross! Plus, I think it is cruel to post pics in a group of ladies ttc of a positive test just so everyone can tell you congrats or to post a pic of your baby just because you had a hard time conceiving a couple years ago. I mean I'm glad they got their miracle but I do not want your positive test or baby on my newsfeed. Not to mention all the SS going on and everyone condones it! "All your symptoms sound promising! My sisters best friends boyfriends grandmother totally had those symptoms when she was KU so I just know this is your month!" Sorry, end rant. I just get so fed up with these people.

haylsbayls-2 · December 2016

I can't stop lurking the drama on the BMBs. I also really dislike when some of the ladies brag about getting the title for the 'mean BMB' as if it's something to be proud of.

Buttttt what's really funny is some girl left her month, posted in another saying how mean her original group is, and then returned to her original. They keep calling her out on it but she keeps posting in both and acting like no one can see where else she posts .... it's so funny to me!

swimsister · December 2016

I agree with all of you that there is no "just" in adoption. I agree with all of you that it is a difficult and personal subject that no one should comment on.

I would just like to caution some of you about using phrases like "special bond" to imply that you will be closer to your bio kids than an adoptive mother will be to her kids. That kind of terminology is dismissive of that mother's bond with her children.

kaitlink33 · December 2016

@swimsister none of us are trying to dismiss that there is a bond of some sort between an adopted child and mother but it is different biologically and we all know that. **TW** I have had two failed adoptions of babies and there is no doubt I had a bond with them the moment I met them and held them and everything that went along with it and the bond would have continued to grow. However, there is a difference when this is something you have been wanting and working for for so long to finally get those lines and feel the baby grow and do everything yourself. Sorry, if this comes off as rude and snotty but quite frankly I'm not ok with someone saying I'm dismissing that bond as well just because I referred to the one between a mother and biological child as special.

midsomervillage · December 2016

I am sorry if any terminology used was offensive or came off wrong. That's why I was hesitant to bring up this topic in the first place. I'm sorry I even brought it up now - I knew I would say the wrong thing.

@kaitlink33
I am so sorry to hear you had two failed adoptions of babies. That must have been so hard.

kaitlink33 · December 2016

@midsomervillage don't be sorry, you're not the one who used that term I did and I'm not sorry about it at all. And both times were hard, I still mourn their birthdays as if it was the day they died but I'm trying to move on with my ttc journey and have a baby of my own.

kiwi2628 · December 2016

My FFFC has nothing to do with adoption and everything to do with ~**signs**~. I have decided this month is our month because of ~*signs*~. I am looking like I am gonna ovulate on the 1st of the month and everything about myself and my H happens on the 1st, 15th, or 31st. Met on the 1st of May. Started dating 1st of July. Our birthdays are both on the 15th of our respective months. We got engaged on the 15th of Feb. We got married on the 31st. Its always the beginning, middle and end for us. SO OBVIOUSLY since I would conceive on the 1st, the universe is saying this is our month. Right?? ~**signs**~ guys. ~**signs**~. I am no longer tip-toeing along the line of crazy. I am prancing in the damn forest of crazy.

Image: https://www.reactiongifs.com/r/lucille-portable.gif

haylsbayls-2 · December 2016

@kiwi2628 hahahaha I totally think like that too! No shame. FX so hard for you!

midsomervillage · December 2016

@kaitlink33
Thanks for the kind words. I hope the new year brings you good news.

eggplantface · December 2016

@kiwi2628

Image: https://in.bookmyshow.com/entertainment/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/MF.gif

For the first several cycles TTC (a year ago) I would have found out on Mother's Day, then Father's Day, then H's birthday...and even now I'm all "The cycle we take a break will totes be the one where it happens naturally! That Ubiquinol I've been taking for all of two weeks was all I was missing!" Dreams die hard.

Second confession: There was an article in the Washington Post today about opioid addiction in rural Ohio and it mentioned babies being born addicted to opioids because their mothers used while pregnant. Cue irrational anger at their ability to get pregnant. They're getting pregnant while doing smack, meanwhile I'm sitting here worrying my caffeine intake is affecting my egg quality. *eye roll*

jenotontx · December 2016

@kaitlink33 It's very possible that for you, having a biological child of your own would feel like a special bond. I don't think anyone can argue what the feelings/bond towards your own child, adopted or biologcal would be. I think what @swimsister was getting at is that for other women the journey in which they became a mother (adopted vs bio) may not result in any difference what so ever regarding the bond that they have with the child. It's a very personal experience and results in very individual feelings. I don't think there is anything wrong with admiting that for you, having a bio child would feel like a special bond, it's just imporant not to generalize that (not saying you did that's just how it could be perceived). I also want to say I am very sorry to hear about the way your two adoptions went. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been.

*Edited to fix tag

doxiemoxie212 · December 2016

@kiwi2628 oh man - when we first started TTC, I was like, we'll definitely get preg the first cycle because I'm ovulating on my birthday. That didn't happen bc duh. (TW) then I mced the next month's cycle, so we're TTA for a bit for a variety of reasons. Even now, I'm like, okay, we're going to start TTC again in May, and so obviously I'll get knocked up right away so that we 12 weeks later we can announce it on my birthday. OBVIOUSLY that's what the universe would want for us. Duh. lol

jess0211 · December 2016

@eggplantface I agree 100%.

wannabeamongoose · December 2016

@kiwi2628 @eggplantface @doxiemoxie212
Cycle 1: It was going happen immediately because my friend also started trying the same month and we were definitely getting KU together (spoiler alert, neither of us are KTFU).
Cycle 2: I'd go on leave immediately after my coworker returns from leave so of course it couldn't happen any earlier.
Cycle 3: I could have told DH as a Christmas gift so obviously I was getting KU then.
Cycle 4: EDD will be #1's EDD so that's super cool and it's definitely happening this time.

It's all a mind game - "It didn't happen last cycle because it's totally supposed to happen this cycle. Just look at all the obvious and totally relevant signs."

Welcome to crazy town folks. Please enjoy your stay.

Image: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/3b/0d/90/3b0d9067d81180a9766140169edf6037.gif

RunsUponATime · December 2016

@eggplantface Heck, I AM adopted, I think adoption is awesome, and it really grinds my gears when people say those things. Adoption is complicated, incredibly expensive no matter how you do it, full of grief and loss for everyone involved, and ends in placement failure more often than people believe.

Even being adopted I probably wouldn't personally adopt. Not because I doubt my ability to love an adopted child as much as a biological child, but because the road to get there is brutal, expensive, and full of loss. People who have the luxury of putting the word "just" within about 10 miles of "adopt" are not people I would be able to relate to at all.

Edited to add: Regarding being sensitive about how we speak about "the bond" between parent and child. I'm new here so I don't want to speak out of turn, but feelings are feelings and we should feel some freedom in a thread that's dedicated to being honest about things that may be unpopular. That said, as an adopted kid I cannot tell you how many times people spontaneously told me, upon finding out I was adopted, "I don't think I could love an adopted kid as much as my *real* kid." Which really hits a soft spot because a common fear of adopted people is that their parents would prefer biological children to them. So while it's important for people to feel some freedom to be honest, especially as we're all on this journey, I do very much appreciate the attempt to be sensitive to the fact that there are all types of families here. That said, nothing anyone has said in this thread so far has been at all hurtful. You've all done wonderfully.

haylsbayls-2 · December 2016

Every month when it doesn't happen how it's supposed to:

stillclever17 · December 2016

@midsomervillage I had a close friend who adopted because of MFIF. It was a grueling and expensive process that resulted in several (not one, not two) failed adoptions. She finally got her take home baby. But you're right, it's definitely not an easy solution like some dummies like to say it is.

I agree with @swimsister and @RunsUponATime that it's also not fair to generalize. Adoptive parents don't exist. They're just called parents. Period. Everyone is different, so to say a bio baby is more special than an adopted baby may be true for some, but not for all. And I agree that it could be insensitive to some to say so.

My FFFC is that I hate smokers. Okay, I don't hate them, but I often find them disgusting. Getting in close quarters with them (like elevators and cars) makes me want to gag because their hair, breath, and clothes reek. Cigarette butts are litter. It's not okay to throw them all over the ground/sidewalk/lake/street/yard/park. I go blind with rage when I see a POS smoker throw cigarette butts on the ground. I hate it. How hard is it to snuff out a cigarette and put it in the trash bin or your pocket until you can throw it away? It's not hard. At all. Don't even get me started on bitches smoking while they're pregnant. I want to snuff that cigarette out in their eye.

dinosaur · December 2016

@soemthingclever - I second the smoking! I have asthma so I am completely unable to breath once I smell smoke. It makes me so mad!

[Deleted User] · December 2016

@RunsUponATime Don't forget the "special bond" you have with your adopted SISTER! ;) ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

jess0211 · December 2016

@Somethingclever yes! Ugh! Hate smokers! My Mom is a smoker and doesn't get how hard it is on me when we visit. My eyes itch, I can't breathe...it's awful. I am not sure how to break it to her if we are ever lucky enough to get ktfu we won't be staying with her when we visit. My clothing still smells bad of smoke from the holiday visit. Where I work I constantly see pregnant ladies standing outside the women's clinic smoking...ugh.

Edited because spelling matters

stillclever17 · December 2016

@jess0211 It's the worst when the smell gets into your clothes. I visit clients in their home, and I HATE going to smoking homes.

dragonfly87-2 · December 2016

My FFFC....

Why do women have to deal with the majority of the frustration and concerns of the fertility/pregnancy/menstrual process?!?! While I am obviously trying and want to become pregnant, why the F*** do women have to carry so much of the damn load of it?!?!?!

I am feeling grumpy and bitter, and my DH has been great about all of this, but it's so shitty that women have to deal with most of the stress, angst and confusion of this whole process of getting pregnant. Whether it's temping, OPKs, prenatals, testing, symptom spotting, actually carrying the child, etc.

I told this to a friend and she said, "But being pregnant and carrying a child is such a blessing." Well, f*** that comment, that's only 1) true if you can get/stay pregnant and 2) it doesn't always seem so glamorous when you think about the "wonders of nature" like having a period, the symptoms of pregnancy, stretching your vjayjay beyond recognition, post-partum hormones, etc.

Yes, yes, I know it's all worth it. But damn, it's bitch that women have to be responsible for so much of it while the man's part is mostly just "contributing" his DNA. (Yes, I know responsible father's will help raise the child).

Sorry, rant over.

dragonfly87-2 · December 2016

One other FFFC...

I have become irrationally bitter at people when I see them with babies and children...and they don't look "healthy." Typically women who are a considered obese or don't appear to be very healthy overall. I also do this when I see facebook friends who are pregnant and I know they do not lead active or healthy life styles and they are on their 3rd or 4th child.

Yes, I know it's horribly judgmental and I am going to hell...but all I think is, "how were they able to carry a pregnancy to term and I couldn't?!?!" Part of me wants to say "F*** it. No point in exercising or trying to eat healthy anymore."

jess0211 · December 2016

@dragonfly87 yup. All that.

stillclever17 · December 2016

@dragonfly87

Dilynne · December 2016

@dragonfly87 That sucks because I'm one of those people that don't look very healthy but am desperately trying to be pregnant, but the truth is I'm a healthy person. My blood sugar is good, my cholesterol is good, my blood pressure is good - I just don't look healthy.

My FFFC is that I'm scared to be pregnant because people hard core judge people like me for having children.

dragonfly87-2 · December 2016

@dilynne: yes, I realize there are healthy people who do not look healthy, which is why I said it's horribly judgmental and wrong. Sorry. Like I said, I am being irrationally bitter. Didn't mean to offend.

ETA: I am not judging because of weight. I am bitter because it seems like for some people they are fertile despite not taking healthy steps to get pregnant. So I am talking about actual unhealthy people.

stillclever17 · December 2016

I'm overweight, but it REALLY upsets me when sloppy fat people have kids, then their little kids are also crazy fat with health problems. What a waste. I feel like it's neglectful.

bluejeanbabi05 · December 2016

*reads thread while binging on cool ranch doritos*

dragonfly87-2 · December 2016

@bluejeanbabi05 ha-ha I am by no means a super healthy person. I had my binge day today of lots of coca cola, haribos gummy bears and chocolate.

bluejeanbabi05 · December 2016

lol @dragonfly87 I didn't mean that as a commentary on your post it just struck me as funny that I was stuffing chips in my mouth while reading it. I have the same thoughts trust me.

My boys lost the Orange Bowl today, I just got home

Ok tho I have an addition to Don't Judge Me Friday- a positive one tho. I think.

i struggle hard w body image issues. for most of my 20s I have looked at my body and hated it. I love food too much to be anorexic, but I've battled binging and bulimia. I threw up at a restaurant once w my whole family there at a holiday dinner. Bad. And I'm well within normal weight range for my height. It's all in my head I know. Plus I live in South florida everyone is so little here. Wow that's the first time I've ever admitted all that.

BUT- the positive part is since dealing with these infertility issues I have genuinely realized how SMALL and STUPID my other problems are. I've been so healthy the last year w body image! I can't say I never think about it but it truly is rare. DH thinks I'm sexy and really who cares what anyone else thinks.

ETA @dragonfly87 were you born in 1987 cuz same here!

dragonfly87-2 · December 2016

@bluejeanbabi05
That's great you have improved your body image!
Yes on 87!

midsomervillage · December 2016

@RunsUponATime
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so glad nothing was said that was hurtfu@sommerrayne

@soemthingclever
Thank you for telling me about your friend. ETA: I fixed the tag - I didn't realize until now that I tagged the wrong person.

I felt really awful last night, but I learned more about how or how not to say things in a TTC and/or adoption/foster path.

kiki75 · December 2016

It's Saturday but whatever. I hate the annual

"Resolutions are lame and people who do them are lame!"
"I'm sure you look to me (rando HS person) for for tons of #INSPIRATION because I'm so WISE! Here are all the resolutions you should BE making to be as #AWESOME as me!"
"These are my awkward over share resolutions for all to see!"
"If you're not making resolutions you are lame and happy stagnating."
BS. Every single freaking year like we didn't just have the same stupid go round 365 days ago.

stillclever17 · December 2016

I hope things continue to go well for you, @bluejeanbabi05

FFFC 12/30

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