Mental Health check in 12/27

erinh84 · December 2016

I know some of us have discussed starting a Mental Health thread. I volunteered to start the first one this week. I will just leave it open ended for whatever you want to discuss regarding your own personal mental health struggles. I know we will all be here to listen and offer advice or support.

erinh84 · December 2016

I have definitely been struggling this week. As I have mentioned before, I have bipolar disorder. I have decided to stay on my meds this pregnancy, but I also struggle with guilt knowing I will not be breastfeeding baby number 2 because of it. I had a manic episode on Christmas Day and I was struggling to hide it from my family. I feel so out of control sometimes, but I'm too scared to up the doses on my medications because I live in fear of what it will do to my unborn baby, even though my doctor has given me the ok. I'm also a SAHM and I feel like I'm failing my DS sometimes with all of my up and down emotions. I try to be the best mom I can be, but this pregnancy has taken a toll on my mental state. It's just an endless cycle of guilt and beating myself up for not being good enough at anything really. I'm making myself go to the gym today. Exercise always seems to help.

Mtnmommy · December 2016

I'm struggling to have any patience with DD. It just feels like I can't get it together with her. She's so defiant and pushes every single limit with me. I'm not sure my meds are really helping at all. I thought they were at first, but things feel worse. I have no energy and my temper is short. I may ask for a med change, or maybe a lower dose, because I just feel worse.

Hugs to all of you who are struggling.

hjphillips · December 2016

My depression is really acting up. This pregnancy was a surprise to me (got pregnant while on birth control), so I'm having a hard time accepting it really. DD is 16 months and still wakes at night. So I'm not really sleeping at night. Can't get my naps in because H keeps coming home during his lunch break making noise. Not sleeping is just making me miserable, DD's constant crying is really putting my anxiety through the ringer. I want a good night's sleep, because maybe the techniques I learned in therapy can help me if I'm rested.

silliegirlie143 · December 2016

Big hugs, ladies!! I feel ya on the lack of patience with the other child(ren). Sometimes I wonder if DD is intentionally pushing me. When I was expecting her, it was the Mr who got the brunt of my overly aggressive outbursts. With DD, I try to mellow out, but it's SO DAMN HARD sometimes!!

doodleoodle · December 2016

erinh84 said:

I have definitely been struggling this week. As I have mentioned before, I have bipolar disorder. I have decided to stay on my meds this pregnancy, but I also struggle with guilt knowing I will not be breastfeeding baby number 2 because of it. I had a manic episode on Christmas Day and I was struggling to hide it from my family. I feel so out of control sometimes, but I'm too scared to up the doses on my medications because I live in fear of what it will do to my unborn baby, even though my doctor has given me the ok. I'm also a SAHM and I feel like I'm failing my DS sometimes with all of my up and down emotions. I try to be the best mom I can be, but this pregnancy has taken a toll on my mental state. It's just an endless cycle of guilt and beating myself up for not being good enough at anything really. I'm making myself go to the gym today. Exercise always seems to help.

I just wanted to say that my father and sister are both bipolar and that my therapist has suggested I see a psychiatrist because she suspects I am as well. I'm also a SAHM. I suspect know the guilt you're talking about. I used to feel so guilty for taking time to myself that I just wouldn't and so, I was a mess. I think as a SAHM there is this pressure to have a spotless house, cook every night, spend the day doing fun activities non-stop with your child, AND always be grateful to be able to do so. It's just not practical though. I've decided to give myself permission to ask DH for help so I can veg out or get out of the house without DD in tow. I always feel so much better after taking care of myself and resetting. It's good for the entire family as a whole. I hope you feel better soon!

edited because words

Stankonia2014 · December 2016

@erinh84, always take care of yourself first, I like to think of it like an airplane, they make you do your air masks first and then your children. Life is like that, if you're not your best you, then you can't be the best mom and wife, etc.

Bottom line, never feel guilty for making time for yourself. You need it.

I'm sorry this week was rough on you.

GoodWitchoftheNorth · December 2016

@erinh84 @doodleoodle The guilt can be overwhelming. I SAH, as well, and had this perfect picture of what it was going to be like, but anxiety really clouds that picture. I will say that since starting therapy, my anxiety has become more manageable, but I still have days where leaving the house is just too overwhelming...even going to the playground down the road. On those days, I feel like I'm depriving DS of social interaction, experiences, fun, etc.

I don't know either one of you, but I am sure you are amazing moms. Don't forget to remind yourselves of that, and often!

kahlan82 · December 2016

Anxiety and guilt was horrible when DS was born. I didn't bond with him at all when he was born and people kept saying, "I know you are tired, but don't you love just holding and looking at him." And I would keep thinking NO. I feel like everyone just focuses on the good side of baby and it makes our conditions worse.

doodleoodle · December 2016

@GoodWitchoftheNorth Thank you for saying that!
I think being a SAHM is probably tough even without some type of mental health issue. I wish that more women would talk openly about the challenges of motherhood. It legitimately never occurred to me how challenging it would be until I was already in the thick of things because like @kahlan82 mentioned it seems to be taboo to talk about. Even if a woman does slip and say something negative then she automatically follows it up with a comment like, "but I wouldn't trade it for the world." Acknowledging that essentially, Your entire existence is to care for another person is tough doesn't make you a bad person.

I feel like I have to follow this up with how much I love my daughter and how excited I am for another baby lol Which is true, but that doesn't mean it won't be hard. These things aren't mutually exclusive.

I may get flamed for this, but I just had to get it off my chest and this seemed like the safest place since none of you really know me.

hjphillips · December 2016

@doodleoodle I never realized how hard being a SAHM would be. My mental health was better when I was working, I got to see other adults and the only person I had to worry about for most of the day was me. It's really taxing to constantly have a kid hanging off you and needing you constantly. You can't take a day off from being a mom, you always have to be 100% for your babies, and everyone just expects you to love every minute. It's no wonder PPD is so prevalent in our society.

Stankonia2014 · December 2016

@doodleoodle, I've noticed that a lot about women needing to justify themselves when they're open about parenting and struggles.

I'll be the first to tell you, being a SAHM is the hardest job ever. I've been a SAHM and a working mom and IMO, being a SAHM is extremely hard and isolating and exhausting. I'll also be the first to admit that I don't like my kids all the time, I love them more than life itself, but I don't always like them. Just like I don't always like my H. I think the pearl clutching is what drives PPD and other mental disorders, because women feel shame for not liking all aspects of motherhood.

kdanjou · December 2016

I have OCD and anxiety and I'm also a SAHM. I'll tell you, being a SAHM just gives you much more time to obsess and worry. There was a point earlier this year when both problems flared up badly and I had to go to a few therapy sessions and get acupuncture, and then I finally started feeling better. I needed to take some time to take care of myself. Of course we were also dealing with infertility so that made it worse.
Anyway, don't ever feel bad for taking time for yourself no matter what. You need it.

silliegirlie143 · December 2016

My PPD and PPA made it VERY difficult to bond with my daughter. Every time someone would swoon over her and get all mushy saying "aren't you just soooooo in love with her?" it cut me. I would feel like an awful mother and a terrible person for lying when agreeing with people. I cared for DD, but I wouldn't say I loved her until I started getting help when she was about 7 or 8 months old.
Being a SAHM with DD for most of her first year really made things worse. We had moved out of state and I had little to no support. I bow down to SAHParents. That is definitely the toughest gig!!

Also, this is the shit nobody tells you about... I always thought PPD was just sadness that didn't get better

FSUNole31 · December 2016

@kahlan82 I didn't have the overwhelming bond/love for my first and was convinced something was wrong with me. It was very difficult when people would make comments like aren't you just so in love, want to hold him all the time etc to me. It was a really confusing time after he was born. Those post partum hormones are no joke.

silliegirlie143 · December 2016

^^^ THIS

hjphillips · December 2016

@silliegirlie143 I don't think I was truly able to bond with DD until she was almost a year old. Even with getting help, I felt so disconnected and just... couldn't. I felt like I was only taking care of her because I had to, most days.

MotherofDragons · December 2016

My PPA was something I didn't expect. I loved my son so much it was actually painful. Like, it hurt. I would cry thinking that my overwhelming love alone couldn't keep him safe. And now I still struggle with anxiety related to his safety/health, which has also expanded to include my husband's health and safety. It's gotten to the point where I've had a panic attack when I saw a blue SUV crash on the news and my husband didn't answer me immediately. He had to come home when he heard the state I was in because I was convinced it was him. Working where I do (a pediatric ICU and neonatal ICU) has not made this any easier and just gives me more things to focus on or think will happen to my son.

I think I will need medication after this little one arrives. Because things keep getting worse.

Mtnmommy · December 2016

I didn't feel bonded with DD either for about 6 months after she was born. PPD, and the fact that she screamed most of the time because of her acid reflux made it difficult for me to want to take care of her because I felt so inadequate. once we both got medicated, things got better. But even before the PPD and reflux, I didn't fall instantly in love. I just felt overwhelmingly responsible for her. But I think that's pretty normal though.

GoodWitchoftheNorth · December 2016

@MotherofDragons The majority of my anxiety centers around DS, as well. I seem to cycle through very specific fears for a few months, then they ease a bit. His food allergy diagnosis certainly didn't help things.

Just wanted you to know you aren't alone. We only have so much control over their health and safety, and that is such an overwhelming realization.

flyingncmama · December 2016

During my last pregnancy I started getting depressed in my second trimester. It was like I could feel the depression washing over my brain. It was a planned pregnancy so I felt ashamed that I wasn't feeling elated. By the end of my pregnancy I was near suicidal. I tortured myself by refusing to take any antidepressants for fear of hurting the baby. I was in such a dark place and it makes me sad to think back on it now. I started taking Zoloft the day my son was born and within a few weeks I felt so much better. I was able to go off the medication within a couple months of his birth. I've felt a little flat this pregnancy but not depressed. I'm really hoping the depression doesn't happen this time, but if it does I have every intention of taking an antidepressant during pregnancy. I will not allow things to get as severe as they were last time.

flyingncmama · December 2016

@erinh84, mom guilt is the worst! Know that you aren't alone. I felt like a failure the first day home with my son. There's so much pressure to be a perfect mom that it's easy to find faults in yourself. And feeling like a failure as a mother makes depression and anxiety even worse. I try to remind myself that just as I love my children despite their sometimes poor behavior, they love me despite my sometimes poor behavior.

alm52386 · December 2016

I've had anxiety for about 15 years. With depression on and off too. I was very worried about PPD since they say you're more likely to have it if you have a history of depression. I'm glad I decided to stay on meds while pregnant. My anxiety was through the roof when I found out! It's much better now that I'm in the 2nd tri and have had 2 successful OB appointments!

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