Well ladies, I just packed up everything Christmas. I've been having BH contractions that seem to be moving a little past BH contractions for the last two days. I've successfully avoided a Christmas baby, now I'm just hoping I can hold on for one more week to avoid a NY baby... but I wanted to pack up Christmas just in case...
@Xstatic3333 Ha, now that I've posted saying that, I'm gonna go like a week overdue! And I'll look like the girl who cried labour. But honestly, I'd prefer that to having a babe whose birthday constantly gets lost in the holiday fuss... especially since it would be because he was so damn anxious to get here that he rushed it
@poetryandoceans if he/she does end up with a December birthday, don't worry! It's really not that bad. I always felt worse for my friends with summer birthdays since they didn't get acknowledged at school. That said, FX for no baby until you are ready
@poetryandoceans I'm impressed you packed up Christmas! It is 3pm here and all I've managed to do is take 2 naps and a long bath... That being said, keep cooking that baby! You still have a few weeks, right?
@Gretchypoo We did a smaller Christmas than usual this year, for exactly this reason. @Winchestergirl I've got 2 weeks and change left, but my mum never made it to her due dates, so we'll have to see what happens!
@Xstatic3333 I have a summer birthday, and I never much minded it, because my family still made it a bit deal. I just worry that with a late December birthday, everyone will be all "celebrated out" by the time kiddo's birthday rolls around. But honestly, I don't care much at this point. My regular midwife is back on call after tonight, so provided I get one more night out of this pregnancy, I'll be content with whatever happens.
My kids are in different schools this year (due to their grade levels), but this year was the first year their schools did a "holiday shop" where the kids can buy gifts for their family for Christmas. We told them they could buy for their new baby brother if they wanted, so my husband helped them wrap the gifts and I opened them yesterday. Even though they had no knowledge of what the other had pyrchased, this is what they got (and there were little cars and stuff they could have picked too)
I've spanked my kid, but I felt like a piece of shit after. I cant imagine spanking being my go-to form of discipline. I also hate the term "punishment" in reference to kids.
H and I are conflicted on the issue of spanking. He thinks it's okay under certain circumstances. I think there are many other constructive ways of getting your point across instead of hitting. Because obviously the kid is going to learn that hitting is okay. However, when a kid is doing something that'll result in them hurting themselves, sometimes they need pain as an association to not do said thing. ie touching the stove, swatting he hand away to teach that touching the stove results in pain. But that's just what developmental psychologists say. Who knows what'll happen when I'm actually parenting.
H and I are conflicted on the issue of spanking. He thinks it's okay under certain circumstances. I think there are many other constructive ways of getting your point across instead of hitting. Because obviously the kid is going to learn that hitting is okay. However, when a kid is doing something that'll result in them hurting themselves, sometimes they need pain as an association to not do said thing. ie touching the stove, swatting he hand away to teach that touching the stove results in pain. But that's just what developmental psychologists say. Who knows what'll happen when I'm actually parenting.
I would be really cautious with this line of thinking. That's a logical leap that a small child is not developmentally capable of making. More likely, a small child will recognize the panic in your reaction and become frightened by (or, heavens to Betsy, curious about) it. I don't think that swatting a hand away to keep a child from hurting himself is a bad thing, but I do think that trying to associate unwanted behaviors with physical pain is misplaced logic at best and psychologically dangerous for the child at worst. Swat the hand away if you need to prevent a burn, but then explain that the stove makes us go ouch and we don't touch. There's your learning opportunity.
As for spanking, I know for certain it's not for me, but to each his own. I'm not going to judge how you discipline your own kid, and I don't really think anyone else should, either. I will only add that my students come primarily from an aggressive "spare the rod, spoil the child" culture, and it does not seem to produce much in the way of manners or social awareness. They're very efficient at working out their problems amongst themselves, though. You know how they do it? With their fists. So there's that.
+1 to not spanking my kids. My sister, husband and I were spanked with a wooden spoon. We all had different reactions. For me, once was enough--even the threat of a spanking made me straighten up. My sister responded with a giant "fuck you." No amount of spanking or threats, grounding or anything would make her do what she was supposed to. She would even goad our parents and try to make the punishment worse to prove she didn't care. H tried to behave but he still resorted to stealing and hiding every wooden spoon in the house. When he got older they found, like, 20 wooden spoons in the bottom of his toy chest.
My point is, every kid is different. IDK how i will discipline my kids--it depends on their personality and development-- but I won't hit them.
Also, @NiceyMeany is exactly right. little kids don't associate spanking or time out with their bad behavior, even if you explain it to them.
Janet Lansbury, Elevating Childcare is someone I've had recommended to me several times for advice on child rearing. As a FTM I'll be seeing what works but she seems like a good resource.
Spanking does not do anything for DS. He just gets even madder and keeps doing whatever he's not supposed to. He's the prime example of spanking doesn't always work. He's gotten to the point where he hits me when he's mad, so I literally have to go to another room and shut the door so he understands hitting is not ok. We've stopped spanking. Oh, and DS is 2.
i hope to not resort to spanking as discipline. although both H and I were spanked as children. I am not sure how young I was when I started to receive spankings, they stopped when I was about 10. I also received probably what's better described as whoopings (i.e. w/ a belt). They definitely were effective and I always knew why I got them and how to avoid them. But I do agree it probably depends on the kid.
That said I don't necessarily think physical punishment = violent children. I've never been in a fight in my life. And even as a boy my husband was in very few. Again I think it depends on the child.
That said I am hoping to not use any sort of physical discipline when it comes to my son. I turned out just fine, but I do think there are better ways.
Me: 36, H: 37 FTM, 2 Furbabies married 03/17/07 lived in Houston, Austin, Los Angeles and NYC due: 2/15/17
Time outs work for my kid. We do a minute per year of age, set a timer that she can see and hear, and talk about why she is in a time out. Idk if the "talk" actually resonates, but it certainly calms her the fuck down and usually stops whatever fit she's having.
Spanking does not do anything for DS. He just gets even madder and keeps doing whatever he's not supposed to. He's the prime example of spanking doesn't always work. He's gotten to the point where he hits me when he's mad, so I literally have to go to another room and shut the door so he understands hitting is not ok. We've stopped spanking. Oh, and DS is 2.
I was never spanked as a child, so it's not even something that would pop into my head to do. H was and turned out fine, but we're not going to. He knows it's important to me, and it's something we discussed before even getting married. Research doesn't it support it, for one thing. In my gut, the big reason is that I don't want my kid to use physical force against others, so it jives that I wouldn't with him.
I don't demonize anyone who spanks occasionally and appropriately, but it does bum me out when it's used on kids too young to "get" it where it won't make a lick of difference.
What will I do when my kid is freaking out in a crowded restaurant? It depends on age. Up to a certain point consequences and punishment aren't going to resonate and it's about survival.
Time outs work for my kid. We do a minute per year of age, set a timer that she can see and hear, and talk about why she is in a time out. Idk if the "talk" actually resonates, but it certainly calms her the fuck down and usually stops whatever fit she's having.
We do time outs as well. My kid doesn't always understand at this point why he was put in a time out (he's almost 2 1/2) but when he's throwing a fit or having a meltdown it's good that he has time to cool his jets, alone. He's much more reasonable and receptive afterwards and he listens as to why he was put in a time out. I feel that trying to discipline at his age while he's very upset is often useless and that's why time outs work for us.
When he's feeling cheeky and doesn't listen when we tell him not to do something by doing said thing on purpose, he gets a warning for a time out and it usually works just fine for us.
+1 to not spanking. We don't spank and I don't see us ever really doing so. Neither H or I were spanked as kids so the concept is a little foreign to us.
************* First BFP: 12/16/13 EDD: 08/23/14 Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
@krob studies do show that spanking in early childhood correlates with increased aggression later in childhood. I think you're right that it depends on the child - it always does, and what works for one kid isn't necessarily a roadmap for future success. I was spanked early and often, and I've never been in a fight, either. But quantitatively, the research shows that there is an increased risk. I'm on mobile so I can't find it right now, but I know there was a big study at Tulane about this.
ETA @Xstatic3333 the "freaking out in a crowded restaurant" issue is super relevant to me. I live in a city that's got a great restaurant and brewery culture, and our friends bring their small kids out to nice places all the time. In addition, we noticed when we were in Italy last spring that there were little kids EVERYWHERE - even late in the evenings, and even in the fanciest of places. And they just kept their shit together like it's nothing. In 12 days and with hundreds of toddlers spotted, we never witnessed a single tantrum. I'm eager to learn what these parents are doing right, because I want to do that thing.
Spanking does not do anything for DS. He just gets even madder and keeps doing whatever he's not supposed to. He's the prime example of spanking doesn't always work. He's gotten to the point where he hits me when he's mad, so I literally have to go to another room and shut the door so he understands hitting is not ok. We've stopped spanking. Oh, and DS is 2.
You spanked a 2 year old?
I'm getting the impression that people are using the word "spank" to describe a spectrum of actions from swat to the hieney to a full-on whoopin.
Idk how I plan on disciplining my kid but will probably not spank him. My parents say I was impossible to discipline because if they spanked me I just told them it wasn't hard enough and if they sat me in time out I just didn't seem to care and would sit in my chair in the corner by myself with no toys and still manage to amuse myself. I also preferred to read so taking away TV privileges never worked as I'd just go read a book and they didn't feel like it was right to take away a kids books though that probably would have gotten to me.
Me: 33 | DH: 34 Married: October, 19, 2015 EDD 2/22/17 DS1 born on 3/2/17 EDD 3/8/20 DS2 born on 3/10/20 EDD 11/24/23 (Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
Totally @NiceyMeany! We're in a similar city and really hoping to be out and about with our kid as well. My hope is that by starting young and making it routine for him things will proceed smoothly, but who really knows until we get there! My parents always brought me to regular restaurants as a kid, and all I remember was that they let me read a book and that I was terrified of my dad's "disappointed" face.
I was standing in a long beer release line (so conspicuous!) the other day watching the cutest family. Dad was wearing a napping baby, beer sample in hand. Mom was watching a toddler happily dance in circles, also with beer sample in hand. All were having fun and not getting in anyone else's way. I wanted to be them.
@Xstatic3333 once again, you are me and I am you. I've stood in at least 4 long beer release lines already in 3rd tri. Do they kill your back like they do mine??
We're not spankers. I don't believe in acting physically towards anyone so why would I do it to a tiny defenseless person. We're also attempting to be time-in people so we fall on almost the opposite end of the spectrum.
I will admit, when your kid is acting out and won't listen to reason (because they are 2 and have very little ability to do so) it takes away every ounce of patience and understanding that you might normally have. It's SO unbelievably hard in that moment to refrain from acting negatively (yelling). I strongly believe that kids are learning their behaviors from the way we act towards them and I work every day on my patience in those crucial moments.
@Xstatic3333 once again, you are me and I am you. I've stood in at least 4 long beer release lines already in 3rd tri. Do they kill your back like they do mine??
Oh yeah! This one was a doozy because I brought our big, heavy growler to fill for H and they actually shut off fills due to the crowds so it was all for naught.
I want to see a pic of that beer stash before you dig into it! I'm trying to stop with mine, just want to do a run up to Treehouse in MA closer to my EDD for some fresh IPAs.
The key with spanking and being effective I think is never doing it in anger. When I see it being effective is when the parent does the spanking in calm but very disappointed way, not in a rage. Also it is important to use spanking as a last resort, after doing things like timeout and taking away privileges first and spanking is reserved for the most extreme bad behavior.
@niceymeany we have had the same experience in Europe with little kids calmly eating with their parents late into the evening - and generally just not having tantrums like you see here. My husbands extended family in France also has always impressed me that way. I'm not sure if you've read the book Bringing Up Bebe - but it was really good and speaks to the cultural differences in raising kids. I thought a lot of it was common sense - but a couple of things recommended seem totally different than how we raise kids in the states. I'm curious if any of the STMs have read/ have an opinion on it? We are going to try to incorporate a lot of its suggestions. ETA I love your beer fridge! We are wine drinkers and our friends the other day remarked on how much of our kitchen has been taken over by wine bottles... Why so much wine they asked? What a silly question!!
DS is only 2.5, so spanking hasn't been something we've done. We used time outs a ton during the biting phase and for a chill out spot. A lot of times for us we could see him trying to manipulate, so it was better for us to skip the timeout and use a different punishment. Like for hitting when getting dressed for bed - he would do it to delay bedtime and get out in timeout over and over again. So we just muscled thru it and if he hit he went to bed with no books. If he's running over the dogs on his trike, he loses the trike for the day. Stuff like that.
That's awesome @NiceyMeany! Ours is just taking over our regular fridge. Much respect.
H mentioned the other day that we'll save money by being stocked up on beer for a while. I joked and said, "well, we'll still need to buy some for you!" He thought I was serious and was not amused.
We have like a range of punishments from shock treatment to taking away fighting tv shows depending on the crime. Mostly we do timeouts where we sit together and talk about how our actions are inappropriate.
DS is only 2.5, so spanking hasn't been something we've done. We used time outs a ton during the biting phase and for a chill out spot. A lot of times for us we could see him trying to manipulate, so it was better for us to skip the timeout and use a different punishment. Like for hitting when getting dressed for bed - he would do it to delay bedtime and get out in timeout over and over again. So we just muscled thru it and if he hit he went to bed with no books. If he's running over the dogs on his trike, he loses the trike for the day. Stuff like that.
I'm not sure it's appropriate, but I definitely laughed at the visual I got reading this. When I was younger, my parents had a Mario game on Nintendo 64 and I used to run over these little frogs by the pond in the game. Once my dad set a timer and we took turns seeing how many we could squish before the time was up lol
@MissMerciBeaucoup I read the bringing up Bebe book and I really enjoyed/incorporated what she had mentioned. DD has never thrown a tantrum in a restaurant and is in general a really well behaved kid. I'm not entirely sure what I did to get her to that point and now that I'm envisioning getting our next kid to act similar, I'm freaking out a bit. I fear our next child will be a no sleep, constant tantrum throwing child. I do very well with the baby stage, but once they get older, I have far less patience with tantrums and acting out. DD has been a ridiculously easy child and I fear we're a bit spoiled.
In all seriousness though, I do highly recommend the bringing up bebe book. I didn't read it all, but most of it. What I did read made lots of sense though but wasn't necessarily intuitive. Not necessary for newborns, but more for once they get a bit older, it's definitely useful.
BFP #1: DD born on 08.25.12
BFP #2: 09/08/15 miscarried at 6w
BFP #3: DD2 born on 02.07.17
Re: Weekly Randoms (12/19)
....please don't make me go!
@Xstatic3333 I have a summer birthday, and I never much minded it, because my family still made it a bit deal. I just worry that with a late December birthday, everyone will be all "celebrated out" by the time kiddo's birthday rolls around. But honestly, I don't care much at this point. My regular midwife is back on call after tonight, so provided I get one more night out of this pregnancy, I'll be content with whatever happens.
I cant imagine spanking being my go-to form of discipline. I also hate the term "punishment" in reference to kids.
As for spanking, I know for certain it's not for me, but to each his own. I'm not going to judge how you discipline your own kid, and I don't really think anyone else should, either. I will only add that my students come primarily from an aggressive "spare the rod, spoil the child" culture, and it does not seem to produce much in the way of manners or social awareness. They're very efficient at working out their problems amongst themselves, though. You know how they do it? With their fists. So there's that.
My point is, every kid is different. IDK how i will discipline my kids--it depends on their personality and development-- but I won't hit them.
Also, @NiceyMeany is exactly right. little kids don't associate spanking or time out with their bad behavior, even if you explain it to them.
Janet Lansbury, Elevating Childcare is someone I've had recommended to me several times for advice on child rearing. As a FTM I'll be seeing what works but she seems like a good resource.
That said I don't necessarily think physical punishment = violent children. I've never been in a fight in my life. And even as a boy my husband was in very few. Again I think it depends on the child.
That said I am hoping to not use any sort of physical discipline when it comes to my son. I turned out just fine, but I do think there are better ways.
FTM, 2 Furbabies
married 03/17/07
lived in Houston, Austin, Los Angeles and NYC
due: 2/15/17
We do a minute per year of age, set a timer that she can see and hear, and talk about why she is in a time out.
Idk if the "talk" actually resonates, but it certainly calms her the fuck down and usually stops whatever fit she's having.
I don't demonize anyone who spanks occasionally and appropriately, but it does bum me out when it's used on kids too young to "get" it where it won't make a lick of difference.
What will I do when my kid is freaking out in a crowded restaurant? It depends on age. Up
to a certain point consequences and punishment aren't going to resonate and it's about survival.
When he's feeling cheeky and doesn't listen when we tell him not to do something by doing said thing on purpose, he gets a warning for a time out and it usually works just fine for us.
+1 to not spanking. We don't spank and I don't see us ever really doing so. Neither H or I were spanked as kids so the concept is a little foreign to us.
First BFP: 12/16/13
EDD: 08/23/14
Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
ETA @Xstatic3333 the "freaking out in a crowded restaurant" issue is super relevant to me. I live in a city that's got a great restaurant and brewery culture, and our friends bring their small kids out to nice places all the time. In addition, we noticed when we were in Italy last spring that there were little kids EVERYWHERE - even late in the evenings, and even in the fanciest of places. And they just kept their shit together like it's nothing. In 12 days and with hundreds of toddlers spotted, we never witnessed a single tantrum. I'm eager to learn what these parents are doing right, because I want to do that thing.
Married: October, 19, 2015
EDD 2/22/17
EDD 3/8/20
EDD 11/24/23
(Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
I was standing in a long beer release line (so conspicuous!) the other day watching the cutest family. Dad was wearing a napping baby, beer sample in hand. Mom was watching a toddler happily dance in circles, also with beer sample in hand. All were having fun and not getting in anyone else's way. I wanted to be them.
I will admit, when your kid is acting out and won't listen to reason (because they are 2 and have very little ability to do so) it takes away every ounce of patience and understanding that you might normally have. It's SO unbelievably hard in that moment to refrain from acting negatively (yelling). I strongly believe that kids are learning their behaviors from the way we act towards them and I work every day on my patience in those crucial moments.
I want to see a pic of that beer stash before you dig into it! I'm trying to stop with mine, just want to do a run up to Treehouse in MA closer to my EDD for some fresh IPAs.
Married to my Soul Mate since 09/06/09
ETA I love your beer fridge! We are wine drinkers and our friends the other day remarked on how much of our kitchen has been taken over by wine bottles... Why so much wine they asked? What a silly question!!
H mentioned the other day that we'll save money by being stocked up on beer for a while. I joked and said, "well, we'll still need to buy some for you!" He thought I was serious and was not amused.
In all seriousness though, I do highly recommend the bringing up bebe book. I didn't read it all, but most of it. What I did read made lots of sense though but wasn't necessarily intuitive. Not necessary for newborns, but more for once they get a bit older, it's definitely useful.