Santa?

tuxielove93 · December 2016

FTM here. My husband and I have already decided not to do the whole elaborate Santa lie (although we're certainly going to tell them the story just like any other fairy tale, and still celebrate Christmas). 1) Any advice on explaining to our child how to respect other people's belief in Santa (I have ideas, I just wanted to hear other ones) and 2) Advice on how to explain it (more importantly and time sensitive to now) to the grandparents? My mom was already talking about it, and I avoided it for the moment, but I'd rather nip it in the butt now before the baby is here. My mom was talking about taking the baby to see Santa, and I'm sorry but putting my child on a strange man's lap in the middle of a mall completely creeps me out. My parents (and the other grandparents) tend to not take things too well, and put up A LOT of fight on issues. I was just wondering if anyone else had experience with this, and the best way to go about it. I would prefer to not spend the next year listening to "but SANTA!" all the time.

satsumasandlemons · December 2016

We have Christmas trees and Christmas presents, go take Santa pictures and all of that and my ILs barf up Christmas everything (they are as agnostic as we are) and we've always just told DD the presents are from us, or family, or whatever. We tell her it's all part of the Holiday fun and these are some of the ways some people like to celebrate. We do tell her that there are other people and younger kids that sometimes really think Santa is a real person who brings them gifts, and we want to be nice about it and not tell them the truth.

AdaByron · December 2016

You really have like 3 years before you need to worry about this. Personally, it's not a battle I would care to fight. If your parents and inlaws want to write "From Santa" on the gifts, let them.

tripledaggerWed95976 · December 2016

Like PP said, You've really got a couple years before you even need to think about this but I'll just say that your baby's grandparents are a part of his/her life too, and if they want to write "from santa" on presents then you may want to consider just letting them. You can privately explain to your child that santa is not real if that is what you prefer, but it seems like an unnecessarily uphill battle to try to get the grandparents not to write "from santa."
There are much bigger issues than santa that arise within families once a child is born, I would recommend picking your battles.

ETA: I do understand the whole not sitting in Santa's lap thing. If that is something that becomes an issue, maybe you could be in the pic and hold your child while just sitting next to santa

morgarita · December 2016

We do Santa so I don't have advice for you I just wanted to comment. I find it strange that your parents would take your child to see Santa, would that be without you? I would be upset not to see my child with Santa for the first time. I also find it strange to have presents tagged from Santa that are not under the tree Christmas morning. That just sounds confusing.

I also wanted to tell you that I really respect and appreciate your desire to not let another child's Santa experience be spoiled.

satsumasandlemons · December 2016

Just because it's not a big deal for everyone doesn't mean this isn't an issue worth taking up. At it's core, it's still an issue about boundaries and how to set them...it's also a child's first exposure to consumerism and religion.

dancegurl1118 · December 2016

My parents took DD to see Santa for the first time this year. My husband cared more than I did but neither of us were mad or upset. I miss enough of her life not seeing her for 3 days every week and every other weekend so not having to stand in line for 90 minutes or pay for a picture was a win for me.

goodtimesally · December 2016

For what it's worth, this is DD's 3rd Christmas and we've not even had to think about this yet. We haven't ever really told her there is or isn't a Santa and at this point, I don't think she cares. I'm still not even sure that next year it will be an issue.

WeddingNotes13 · December 2016

DS is still not old enough (14mo) for it to matter yet, but we are not doing Santa. I will not put my super young child on Santa's lap, since he is not yet interested and would likely be frightened. When he is older, I will be fine with it, if he wants. We will approach it much like Mickey Mouse. Getting a pic with character of the holiday because it is festive, not because he is real.

ladipale · December 2016

We do the Santa thing... and i guess my question to you is- where do you draw the line? My girls (age 6 and 3) also believe Mickey Mouse is real and lives in the house in Toon Town at Disneyland. Same with all the Princesses and even characters in books. It's part of their imagination and they all figure it out eventually. That Mickey Mouse is someone's else's imagination and the mouse we see at Disneyland is a guy in a costume....

and Santa is based on a real guy- Saint Nicholas. And the premise is very charitable. We usually do most of he gifts from us and one or two from Santa.

OperaSingerMommy · December 2016

There's a really sweet article going around Facebook right now about teaching your kids to be a Santa to someone else. It's more referring to an older kid once they start to know Santa isn't real. The mom in the article tells her kids that Santa is more about doing nice things for others rather than a single magical guy. Once they're ready to be a Santa, they choose someone in their life and buy them a gift or do something nice anonymously.

Maybe you could incorporate this idea somehow so that your kids would understand why Santa is such a special concept to other kids.

cssme13 · December 2016

We do Santa and won't change that. My son who is 3 just learned this year about Santa from all his cartoons and it has been fun to watch him.

When DH and I used to teach a Sunday school class of 5 year olds we had one little girl whose family did not do Santa. On the Sunday after Christmas all the kids were talking about what they got from Santa and the little girl came up to DH and asked him if Santa was real and why he didn't stop at her house, was she too naughty? I felt terrible and we had no idea what to say because we had no clue what her parents had told her. I don't judge anyone for not doing Santa but I definitely think if you aren't going to do Santa you probably need to have some conversation with your child as to why you aren't and why he seems to go to other people's houses and not yours.

AdaByron · December 2016

We're doing Santa, and I've been thinking about it a lot this year, like at what point does it become wrong to lie to your child about it? My conclusion in the end is that I won't go to any extremes to make him believe. People are always like "what if the kid notices the wrapping paper, or the handwriting, and it gives it away?" and I think, just let him notice. Eventually he'll put it all together and realize that Santa isn't real. And he'll probably realize on his own that it's fun to pretend, and play along for the sake of younger kids. If he ever comes to me and asks, I'll tell him the truth. And I'll feel a lot less guilty telling him the truth if I haven't gone to any great lengths to lie to him about it in the past.

I don't remember how I found out about Santa. I feel like I've always known it's not real. But I always pretended for the sake of my little sisters, and then for my little cousin after that. We still to this day get "santa" gifts from my mom and she puts things in our stockings. My siblings and I are 34, 32, 28 and 26. Now that there are grandchildren (and we usually visit my parents for Christmas), it's probably going to just continue forever.

LoveLee85 · December 2016

I think the idea of Santa is magical and special to childhood. My opinion only. If you aren't comfortable with it, go about it a different way. Maybe teaching children that they can be a 'santa' to someone by doing acts of kindness or small homemade gifts. Idk. The tooth fairy, Santa, or whoever, I never had a negative reaction when I realized they weren't real. I think I kinda figured it out on my own at a young age but played along. LOL Plus, we didn't have a fireplace so I was always skeptical on how Santa made it inside our house.

That being said, no elf on the shelf will happen in this house. I don't want things to be too extreme towards being good only for gifts from Santa. Weird, I know. Our Christmas will be focused on giving back to our community, donating and giving toys to other children who don't ever get new toys. Our children will get a few gifts but Christmas will NEVER be about 'what I can get' in my home. It's just not how I want things done.

ginger1228 · December 2016

@LoveLee85 - I agree about elf on the shelf. I think it's a cute idea, but I think it puts the focus so much more on gifts than what I think Christmas is about. I've heard of a different elf that watches more for acts of kindness, which I also think is great, but I'd just rather skip the elf altogether.

We'll do santa, but not over the top. We're a Christian family and want Jesus to be the main focus of Christmas, along with giving and helping others.

tuxielove93 · December 2016

@morgarita I don't think they would do it without me, I just think they're going to want to do it, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to tell them that we aren't doing the whole "santa" thing. At least not convincing our child that he's actually real anyways. As far as presents go, it would be weird if things were "from santa" if he, ya know, isn't real, but if that makes them happy it doesn't bother me. Just as long as they don't go on elaborate schemes to make the kids believe that he is.
@ladipale I suppose the line would be "my child actually believes that something that isn't real is". It's fun to pretend, and I'm all for imaginative play, but if they ask me if the Princesses really live in the castle I'll tell them no. I think there's a way to let them explore and be imaginative without letting them believe things that aren't true.
@cssme13 there will definitely be an explanation, both because it's a good time to teach them about respecting other people's beliefs and differences, and because I wouldn't want them to have no idea what's going on.
@LoveLee85 and @ginger1228 I've actually been thinking about the Elf on the Shelf too. I obviously won't go about the whole presents and flying to Santa thing, but I was thinking about reworking it into a hide and seek game of some sort. We plan on having a large family, so this could be very fun with multiple kids trying to find the elf. Maybe whoever finds the elf gets to open the Christmas countdown calendar or something. Idk, just a thought I've been having.
Thanks to all of you for the advice. It just helps sometimes to hear other people's opinions about things

stokesm21 · December 2016

LoveLee85 said:

That being said, no elf on the shelf will happen in this house. I don't want things to be too extreme towards being good only for gifts from Santa. Weird, I know. Our Christmas will be focused on giving back to our community, donating and giving toys to other children who don't ever get new toys. Our children will get a few gifts but Christmas will NEVER be about 'what I can get' in my home. It's just not how I want things done.

I hate that little bastard! (lmao!) Honestly, I just think the premise of the whole thing is absolutely ridiculous.

As for Santa, I've grappled with it a lot. We've decided to do Santa because I loved believing in him as a kid. It was so magical and fun! But ... to each their own.

I would also like to point out that no where did OP say anything about writing tags to say "from Santa" so I'm really not sure how that came up.

OP - I'm not sure how you are going to explain to a toddler that all these other kids believe in something that isn't real and to not spill the beans. I'd have to say you've got your hands full and kudos to you for taking that on haha! Unfortunately I don't have any advice. As for the parents, just tell them how it is and that you would appreciate if they would respect your decision. I am assuming that you and your DH are a united front on this? Maybe it would help if you told them together and they actually see it as a decision coming from both of you. I'm just the type of person who would go, "You don't like it? Well that's just too bad because it's not your kid." Haha! But that's me.

I'm not sure why but DH's family think I have some sort of control over him when that is really not the case. We make all decisions together. They just think that he's so 'free spirited' (like when he was 18, *ahem* he's a 31 yr old grown ass adult now) that he would never do X or decide on Y when in reality, he does. WE do. *sigh*

mrscate88 · December 2016

I was in the toy aisle at Target last week and every single kid in sight was saying that they needed Santa to get them THIS toy. It made me laugh...

Growing up, my dad was always very straight forward with us and told us the honest truth about Santa, the tooth fairy, all of it. He didn't do it to crush our imagination, he just told us those things were make believe, for kids to have fun. And we accepted that. Santa didn't bring us presents (obviously) and we felt no resentment over that either.

He had frank conversations with our grandparents and they respected it. I'm not sure exactly what he told them, I only remember hearing brief comments from when I was about 8 years old. He chose to decline when they wanted us to take pictures with Santa, and I don't resent that either. I don't feel like we missed out or were deprived of anything.

So I guess my only real advice is to stand firm for what you want to do with your kids. Tell their grandparents what you have decided and ask them to respect that. It's only a few short weeks out of the year that this will even be brought into question, and if you're firm in what you want to do and stick to it, your family will respect it.

As for other kids, you can't really teach a toddler to keep their mouth shut about Santa being real or not...so I just wouldn't say anything until it actually becomes something they personally show interest in or are exposed to.

satsumasandlemons · December 2016

@mrscate88 , I love that story about your dad! I'm kind of with him. I really don't think I'm robbing my child of any kind of magic. She is just as into the whole holiday thing as the next person and loves to decorate and sing the songs, etc.
I mentioned all the way up there, but an easy solution is to just tell your kid that there a lot of people who like to think Santa is real and it wouldn't be nice to ruin it for them.

pepper16-2 · December 2016

Random question, but can someone please explain to me what this "elf on a shelf" thing is??? I've seen it referenced so many times here, but I have NEVER heard of it outside of this bmb!! I googled it, but have somehow come away more confused....

satsumasandlemons · December 2016

Pepper16 said:

Random question, but can someone please explain to me what this "elf on a shelf" thing is??? I've seen it referenced so many times here, but I have NEVER heard of it outside of this bmb!! I googled it, but have somehow come away more confused....

Sure, I can explain it to you:
The Elf on a Shelf was created by a mother/daughter duo who wanted to develop a story about Elves (Santa's helpers) deployed to kids' houses and basically watch kids and report back every night to Santa. The Elf hides in a new spot every night. Kids are encouraged to look for the Elf everyday and find his new hiding spot.

I personally think it's kind of ridiculous but again, we don't even do Santa in our house, lol.

pepper16-2 · December 2016

@satsumasandlemons Thank you!! So it's kind of like, "You better be good because the elf on the shelf is watching and reporting back to santa!!!" But the kids don't know WHERE the elf is so are supposed to be good all the time just in case? And then if/when they find the elf you move him to a new spot (ideally every night)? Interesting.... not sure I'll be adding that one to my tradition haha

stokesm21 · December 2016

Pepper16 said:

@satsumasandlemons Thank you!! So it's kind of like, "You better be good because the elf on the shelf is watching and reporting back to santa!!!" But the kids don't know WHERE the elf is so are supposed to be good all the time just in case? And then if/when they find the elf you move him to a new spot (ideally every night)? Interesting.... not sure I'll be adding that one to my tradition haha

It's a way to reinforce to your kids to behave but a lot of us have an issue with it because we feel that kids shouldn't be taught that gifts are given as rewards for good behaviour. You get nothing in life for being a good person and no recognition at work for behaving properly. It's just what you do! DH and I vowed to never use Santa as a threat. The worst part about it all is kids still always get presents whether they are little shitheads or not so the entire point of using the, "Santa won't come if you're being bad" point is moot.

I felt very sorry for my cousins daughter a few weeks ago. She covered her arms and most of her face in paint while her Mom wasn't looking. Mom took a pic and posted it on FB. The next day she posted "sad Elf" because her daughter "wasn't good" the day before. Now I obviously can't confirm that this was the only bad behaviour her daughter displayed the previous day, but I thought it was so unbelievably wrong to have your child pose so you can take a pic, post it on social media then chastise her for what she did. It sends a very confusing message to the child.

Elves on shelves make me angry. lol!

ginger1228 · December 2016

Pepper16 said:

@satsumasandlemons Thank you!! So it's kind of like, "You better be good because the elf on the shelf is watching and reporting back to santa!!!" But the kids don't know WHERE the elf is so are supposed to be good all the time just in case? And then if/when they find the elf you move him to a new spot (ideally every night)? Interesting.... not sure I'll be adding that one to my tradition haha

I think the elf moves every day bc at night he goes back to the North Pole. So parents move him to make it seem more real that he left and came back. I could be wrong about that though. And it could be both - he also needs a new hiding spot. But a lot of people don't really hide him. Sometimes he sits on a counter and brings candy or something. I have some friends whose elf brings toys and stuff every once in awhile. Bc I'm sure their kids needs more crap.

satsumasandlemons · December 2016

stokesm21 said:
<blockquote class="Quote"><div><a rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Pepper16</a> said:</div>
  <div>@satsumasandlemons Thank you!! So it's kind of like, "You better be good because the elf on the shelf is watching and reporting back to santa!!!" But the kids don't know WHERE the elf is so are supposed to be good all the time just in case? And then if/when they find the elf you move him to a new spot (ideally every night)? Interesting.... not sure I'll be adding that one to my tradition haha</div>
</blockquote>
It's a way to reinforce to your kids to behave but a lot of us have an issue with it because we feel that kids shouldn't be taught that gifts are given as rewards for good behaviour. You get nothing in life for being a good person and no recognition at work for behaving properly. &nbsp;It's just what you do! &nbsp;DH and I vowed to never use Santa as a threat. &nbsp;The worst part about it all is kids still <i>always</i> get presents whether they are little shitheads or not so the entire point of using the, "Santa won't come if you're being bad" point is moot. &nbsp;<br>
I felt very sorry for my cousins daughter a few weeks ago. She covered her arms and most of her face in paint while her Mom wasn't looking. Mom took a pic and posted it on FB. The next day she posted "sad Elf" because her daughter "wasn't good" the day before. Now I obviously can't confirm that this was the only bad behaviour her daughter displayed the previous day, but I thought it was so unbelievably wrong to have your child pose so you can take a pic, post it on social media then chastise her for what she did. It sends a very confusing message to the child.

Elves on shelves make me angry. lol!

wow when we read about respecting our children on social media etc etc etc., I feel like this is a good example of what we should not be doing.

DarkSerendipity · December 2016

Elf on the Shelf is a creeper. I prefer the Sugar Goblin.
However, we're essentially pagan, and follow the Norse and Icelandic traditions, including the 12 Days of Christmas with the Yule Lads, Gryla and Krampus, and of course, Santa. I have a 9 year old and a 3 year old, they are both perfectly content to believe in it all. We focus on acts of kindness towards others, and that the act of giving is far more rewarding than just getting gifts. If they grow out of believing, so be it.

ashaw512 · December 2016

We do Santa because it's fun. But we are a Christian family and we teach our kids that Jesus is the reason for Christmas. We also teach that it's better to give than receive. Of course we do presents, but they only get like two things from Santa, the majority comes from DH and I.

I too loathe Elf on the Shelf.

Xath · December 2016

Santa is biting me in the ass. This is DS1's first year really "getting" Santa so I made sure to order Santa presents for both boys.

DS2's arrived; DS1's haven't. Also the post office closed 4 hours early today with no notice. So even if stuff did arrive? I won't know. And they won't reopen until Wednesday.

So now I have to run out and try to find a last minute present and I have no idea what to get.

justcat78 · December 2016

I dont do the Santa pic unless the child is old enough to show interest and actually wants to sit with a strange man called Santa.
I also do not give gifts from Santa or from anyone for that matter. The child or adults name is on the gift for each of them under the tree....that's it no stress or pressure.
I dont tout the Santa thing or kill it.

MissKrisBliss · December 2016

I no advice but I do wanna say good on you. I'm all for breaking down the establishment so right on. Why do we "have" to do the Santa thing? We all just do it, don't even question it. Thank you for my daily dose of wokedness.

Dcwtada · December 2016

I thought this article was very interesting and maybe a great way to explain and have your child understand santa especially from a non-religious perspective

https://www.facebook.com/tickld/videos/1336139329785881/

Let me me know if the link works, for someone with some remarkable computer skillz - posting links/gifs still confuses me

tuxielove93 · December 2016

@Dcwtada the link worked

Ive seen this idea before, and I like it, but I'm not yet sure if or how my husband and I will implement it.

satsumasandlemons · December 2016

@Dcwtada that's a great idea for those that do Santa! I don't think this would be necessary for those children that don't believe santa's real.
As part of our insistence she reveal Santa is not real to others, it's made it easier to explain giving- I have DD help pick out gifts for toys for tots and this year she helped me order supplies for standing rock, etc. we need to get our act together and go volunteer on xmas but that's my fault!

Dcwtada · December 2016

@satsumasandlemons I thought for your situation having her understand santa as only the spirit of giving and volunteering might help - santa is not a "real" person but is anyone who takes the season to make others happy. I completely understand your approach though, I just thought of you as I read this - how to observe santa and the spirit of the season either when kids don't believe or are too old to believe

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