Holiday self-care

BenJay · November 2016

Started spotting today, so I'm kind of freaking out that the IUI failed. I am holding to my promise to myself to only test tomorrow, as the doctor recommended. Spotting happens and still can mean a successful pregnancy. Gotta keep saying that...

So, for those of you having to deal with family over the holidays, how do you help yourself cope with relatives with new babies? I'm headed to a day with my in-laws, at least two infants and five children to fawn over and not cry at.

ReesaAnne16 · November 2016

I'm still trying to figure this out... Last Christmas there were 2 new babies in the family, and this year I get to see my sister-in-law who is yet again pregnant over Christmas (#4)

The approach I'm taking this year, is that these babies won't be babies forever. Next year they will be squirmy toddlers who don't to be held, so I need to take advantage of the time I have to snuggle them as little ones.
Also, there won't always be new babies in the family... eventually they will all grow and our siblings will stop having children, so I need to try to enjoy this season, despite our struggle.

hoffmanr7 · November 2016

@BenJay Luckily, the last year and this year I have been somewhat spared from this particular problem. On my side, we normally only see my mom's family...no babies on that side. On DH side, we have plenty of nieces and nephews but the youngest are in their toddler stage. Its normally some of the adults on my moms side that causes my holiday stress. I have an aunt who asks me if I am pregnant every time I see her, no matter how often my mom tells her not to.

BenJay · November 2016

@hoffmanr7 - I am so sorry you have that one aunt that keeps asking.

I hadn't even thought of the adults. Most of my in-laws will not to pry but I could easily see some of DH's cousins (who all have the young children) asking, nicely. But they aren't aware of what am emotional wreck I am lately.

Seriously, for all the symptoms I have had this week, if I'm not pregnant, there's something off with my body.

funkykey · November 2016

@BenJay re: spotting - FX FX FX for BFP tomorrow!

I too have been worrying about the holidays - particularly because I'm set to ovulate on the 30th, and our clinic is closed then; I'd hoped to do the IUI not this cycle (not until I've got this LH prediction down!), but next... So instead of getting to do it right after Christmas, it looks like I might have to wait - unless by some miracle I have 2 30-day cycles. (FX FX FX!)

I'm thinking I'm going to do some of this:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/vu/x1jlixcvh786.gif

For me, the tough part is less watching my nieces and nephews run around and snuggling the new babies, and more our own Christmas morning. We do Christmas morning & Christmas Eve ourselves - we spend other time with family, like dinner on the 25th and the morning of the 24th - and I find that the time alone the hardest - when it's just me & DH, opening our little presents. I most miss the children that we don't have on Christmas morning, when it's just the two of us. That's when I want all the pitter patter of little feet and impatient ones trying to get us out of bed and believing in Santa and all that. I don't even know how I'm going to get through trimming my own tree without sobbing.

I might actively seek out my nieces and nephews to avoid our alone time. I'm also going to do some seriously aggressive baking - to put this in perspective, I haven't baked a cookie in 3 years. I've already started looking up elaborate recipes, ones that I will have to practice:

https://www.marthastewart.com/868671/hazelnut-sandwich-cookies
https://www.marthastewart.com/271303/snow-globe-cookies

I might also do some wildly self-indulgent grooming - like show up to Christmas dinner with my hair blown out and nails painted - the kind of grooming that most down-to-earth women with small children never do. I can be Glamorous Auntie who shows up with really intricate cookies.

I definitely find it easier when I'm with my sisters, and harder when I'm with my inlaws. My SIL and BIL are both sweet, and their kids are great- but sometimes they are a little bit oblivious. Like my SIL will make some comment about how overwhelmed she is sometimes with two little kids running around, and I know she means well, but we just don't have the relationship I have with my sisters. With my sisters, I can flatly say: "Are you really going to bitch about being a stressed out mom to someone who's been diagnosed as infertile?" But with my SIL, there is no way I'd say that - I just smile tightly and drink up.

BenJay · November 2016

@funkykey - FX for another 30 day cycle for you! Are you having trouble getting a positive OPK? I *never* got the LH thing down.

None of our families know that we are even trying. We've told friends, because they are the most outspoken about us having a family. With all the hormonal goodness, it's harder and harder for me to smile and just say "Don't hold your breath" and not start crying. (I started crying when you described your Christmas with your DH, still crying...)

The toughest part about this whole process is that I am not able to let myself get my hopes up and imagine how amazing it would be to be a mom. Because I think it would just crush me if I couldn't in the end. So I just have to stay guarded, act like it doesn't bother me. It works most days. But then when my brother-in-law's wife starts talking about her baby plans, I lose it. It would be the worst if they got pregnant first and then I'd have to listen to how amazing her life is.

Oh, I want to do some fabulously elaborate cookies! I got a beautiful book last year that makes it look so easy. I should post my "cookie fails" next to what it was supposed to look like. I will also be making homemade egg nog with lots of booze. (Oh my gawd, showing up a hot mess at Christmas with sloppy cookies, nails all done, smelling of egg nog - what a funny image!)

I went from tears to laughing in such a short time. Yay, hormones!

funkykey · November 2016

Ah, hormones. Truthfully, I'm a bit of a hormonal, moody mess when I'm not even on drugs - when our RE mentioned the clomid side effects, DH visibly shuddered. I have no problem going from tears to laughter in less than 30 seconds - sometimes, I even enjoy being able to experience such a range of emotions so quickly; it makes me feel like I'm really understanding the human condition. As far as I'm concerned, DH is missing out.

If it makes you feel any better, I've lost it on several occasions. It took me a long time to meet DH (read: a lot of uncomfortable dates with perfectly decent guys I felt absolutely nothing for. Years of uncomfortable dates), and my family used to ask me about it all the time. One Thanksgiving, my aunt asked me, casually, if I was "seeing anyone", and I lost my sh*t. I started bawling. It was right after I found out this guy who'd been flirting with me was married (gross, right?) and I was just crestfallen and so sad and thought I was never going to meet anyone, and her question turned me into an absolute disaster. Like a heaving, sobbing mess in the hallway at my family Thanksgiving dinner. She was like: "Whoa, oh God, I really didn't mean to step into that one."

Anyway, if you do lose it on BIL's wife, I will absolutely not judge you. I'd even high-five you if you got drunk and snapped at her: "Oh great, are you going to tell me more about how wonderful your life is?" ESPECIALLY if you rolled in with sloppy cookies, nails done, reeking of rum.

The silver lining of my losing it over the "seeing anyone" question is that NO ONE in my family asks me anything remotely personal anymore. So that's nice. I've not had to field one: "Are you going to start trying soon?" question from any of them.

DH often teases me that I'm crazy, and I always reply: "Like a fox."

I might post photos of my cookies too - hm. Depends on how they turn out, or how ambitious/sober I am come Christmastime.

My OPK thing is weird! I just spent a goddamn fortune one one of those ridiculous "advanced fertility" monitors, and it's testing for an estrogen surge AND an LH surge. Ugh. For months, I looked for cheap OPKs at the dollar store, couldn't find them, and then would break down and buy digital OPKs at the drug store, thinking: "for sure I'll get pregnant this month!", and then didn't. Every time I used the regular, digital OPK that tested for LH, I had a positive result around day 14, but switching to the new monitor this past month has thrown me - so I blame the monitor and not my LH. I had the estrogen surge this past cycle, but no subsequent LH surge measured, but maybe because I was POAS at the wrong time? This new fancy monitor only wants first morning urine, and before I used to test after work? I dunno. I hate it - the whole thing. I hate how it flashes at me in the morning to "remind" me to test. So bossy!

Regardless, I'm committed to this overpriced monitor now, and there's no way I'm going to throw more money at an IUI without figuring out how to test myself properly with it...

I was so choked today because I went into a dollar store that actually had all the OPKs. I'd been into like six, looking, before I bought the fancy monitor that is causing me all these problems, and then (of course) after biting the bullet, today I saw (basically) a whole wall of them, for $1.25 each. D'oh! I will probably go back and buy a whack, just to spite Clearblue.

ps. re: getting your mom hopes up - I have high hopes for you, though I understand why you'd want to stay guarded. FX!

BenJay · November 2016

@funkykey - I'm crying with happy hormonal tears at your reply. My break is too short to reply atm but I

you. Your post made my morning not suck anymore.

BFN this morning, hormonal with lower back pain and a dull nagging pain in my right armpit. Totally making it hard to concentrate at work...

txmomma16 · November 2016

Not gonna lie, if this IUI cycle fails, I'll be self medicating with wine the rest of the year. DH will be traveling for weeks on end in December, so not a chance there.

I like what @ReesaAnne16 said about taking this time to cuddle the little ones. I have three neices and a nephew all under three, one just six months, and I'm going to get all the cuddles in that I can.

Because this isn't our first Christmas dealing with IF, most of my family is pretty compassionate and doesn't say dumb things. It's just my step family, who all seem to be fertile myrtles that constantly ask when I'm going to "give them a baby." Luckily DH knows and stays by my side to remind them they're asking about our sex life and the status of my uterus and to STFU. lol.

BenJay · November 2016

@funkykey - I have yet to lose it in front of family. I hate conflict so I usually get quiet and wait until I'm in the car to lose my mind. The SIL would make it all about her, I swear. Like "How dare she snap at me? She doesn't care about our happiness, husband!" She was a full on bridezilla of epic proportions and my BIL white knights the shit out of everything. She is perfect and let's everyone on Facebook know. Barf!

I wanted to murder her when she started collecting Diaper Genies from my in-laws and measuring out the crib at my mother inlaw's house (which was not for grabs, so that was awkward).

I think my husband would find it hilarious if I did show up sloshed and ready to tell her what for.

I hate OPKs. I started with the Dollar Tree kind and my infertility nurse was not pleased. They insisted on me using Clear Blue. Amazon has decent prices but never having a positive OPK has been like me pissing on money for over a year now. I had to resort to u/s. I honestly don't know if it matters what brand.

And AF is here and she's not happy. Really wanting to go home and cry it out over some ice cream while crappy TV. Ibuprofen, chocolate and sheer will to make it through the workday + evening errands.

BenJay · November 2016

@kmallery08 - I will be self-medicating with bourbon thus Christmas. This IUI failed and we'll give DH a chance to make stronger, better, faster sperm. He gets multivitamins, zinc and more exercise.

I am the youngest child in a small family (because my family was too screwed up to stick together) that never really hugged, so I really don't have practice with physical affection. That sounds super weird bit I'm a hands off Auntie unless the kid comes to me. I'm just awkward in general, so I just roll with stuff and see what works. Not a ton of young kid experience...

No one has really pressured me but with the brother-in-law and wife talking families, I just hope they stay their normal, self-centered selves and not ask me. They aren't good with constructive criticism.

funkykey · November 2016

@BenJay that sucks re: AF & BFN. UGH. Dammit! Sending (virtual) big cups of tea your way.

Um, also - sounds like you have an annoying SIL. She's not even pregnant and she measured someone else's crib? Whoa. Good for you for keeping quiet until you get into the car - that takes serious willpower! Doesn't sound like she has much of a sense of humor, either - like you can't tease her about the facebook posting habits. Lame.

It is a small thing, and a little off-topic, but I do wonder, when people like that have teenagers, what that's like for them. Like if you go through the first 45-47 years of your life and no one challenges your self esteem, what happens when you have a 15 year old daughter you love more than anything who tells you to your face that you are the most annoying, self centered person who has ever lived? I know you'll have to wait a long time for that, but it is going to be worth it when their kid is like: "Mom, why can't you be cool on social media like Aunt Benjay?"

BenJay · November 2016

@funkykey - Thanks so much for all the virtual care. DH is on his way home from a trip, so I haven't talked to anyone else about this.

She's obnoxious. We met her mom at the wedding and we know where she gets it. We give her a pretty big pass because her mom is a raging narcissist. I unfollowed her because I snarled to my DH every time she posted something.

Hahaha, if you saw my Facebook, you'd quickly see just how "cool" I am. If we ever had a kid, they're going to have to carry their lunch money in their socks.

I secretly plot to save all my niece's from the faults of their mothers. And I give only educational presents because 'princesses can do anything ' in my world.

txmomma16 · November 2016

@BenJay I'm so sorry for all of that. That's tough. And I can sympathize. My brother in laws wife is a pill. She can be super nice but she has very strong opinions on everything and they're generally about how everyone else is wrong. Getting out of the house without an argument is always an achievement.

I do the same thing with all my neices and nephews. All educational toys and books.

funkykey · December 2016

@BenJay - I made my first cookie attempt tonight...

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/y5/a6ljm817w6gz.jpg

Not sure if you can see the slight burning on the tops of some of these cookies? That's because I broiled them - I didn't even bake them! Hahaha! Total cookie fail!

Right before, we'd pulled dinner out of the oven, and I hadn't realized DH had set it to broil at the very end to crisp up the top a bit.

They were supposed to look more like:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/fg/m5dlqyoxv73u.jpg

Yep. I mean, they taste pretty good (DH just interrupted me between bites: "These are fine!"), but I'm not exactly winning any awards over here.

BenJay · December 2016

@funkykey - Uh, I'd eat those. Broiled or not, I'd hit that batch!

I got the first step of the Christmas Cookie magic of the season done. DH helped me bake and freeze a bunch of gingerbread cookies. His family is Swedish-American so the dalahastan (dala horse) is very important to them. I love it too.

hoffmanr7 · December 2016

@funkykey That made me lol. I actually had peanut butter cookies that started on fire once, but I still maintain that the oven was broken because I am 99% positive I did not have it set that hot.

funkykey · December 2016

Um @BenJay, those are really nice! That is not a cookie fail at all!

I didn't mention that, this morning, I got up early to bake too. I'd actually made two batches of dough last night, and left one to chill for a bit. I'd thought, naively, that DH could wake up to the smell of freshly baked cookies, and I'd redeem myself after last night's fail with the slightly more complicated dulche de leche shortbread thumbprint, that I'd had to go to a special grocery store for, because DH couldn't find "dulche de wha?" during his regular grocery run.

This is what they were supposed to look like:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/ws/wucn0bg07pcl.jpg

This is what they actually looked like:

Terrible, right? Like, SO BAD. I laughed when I opened the oven. Hahaha.

And they taste bad too! Too salty, because even though I didn't add any salt, I should have used unsalted butter like it said to in the recipe. Dammit!

DH calls them my: "dulce de blech" cookies.

I am going to need a lot more practice if I'm going to turn this ship around...

BenJay · December 2016

@funkykey - I laughed so hard at dulce de blech! If all else fails, put those bad boys in ice cream.

Oh and the fail will come when I try to do flood icing. So stayed tuned! Here's what I want them to look like:

BenJay · December 2016

Please tell me you follow.... https://pinterestfail.com

funkykey · December 2016

BenJay! WHAT?! I can't believe it! When you said:

Oh, I want to do some fabulously elaborate cookies! I got a beautiful book last year that makes it look so easy. I should post my "cookie fails" next to what it was supposed to look like. I will also be making homemade egg nog with lots of booze. (Oh my gawd, showing up a hot mess at Christmas with sloppy cookies, nails all done, smelling of egg nog - what a funny image!)

I assumed you were an amateur baker, like me. That icing is INTENSE. You are professional level! Here I am, barely able to distinguish between "bake" and "broil" ("step 1 is the easiest" says everyone, "set the oven to the right temperature"... not actually that easy, as it turns out), and there you are with like 800 horses and some seriously ambitious icing!

I'm not even amateur, I'm like "early beginner". I realized much later that it hasn't been 3 years since I baked a cookie - we're talking like 10 years since I even attempted a basic chocolate chip. No joke, the last time I needed a cake for something I found a woman on instagram and ordered it. When my Kindergarten teacher sister calls and asks me if I want to come over to her house and decorate cookies, I'm like: "No thanks."

I do follow pinterest fails, loosely... (I should probably submit my dulche de blech cookies, even.) My best friend got married this summer and her sister-in-law volunteered to bake the cake. It was a TOTAL pinterest fail cake, but the worst part was SIL was completely oblivious to it. Even the professional photos couldn't make the cake look good. My friend's husband is really cool but from a family of super conflict-averse people: the kind of people who, when your cake looks like sh*t won't ever, ever say: "That looks terrible." (Totally different from my family, who are more the: "what's on your face?" type, which means I know I am not professional grade, with certainty.) So there's SIL, who is so sweet and conflict-averse, and my friend, devastated but trying not to get into it with husband's family, like: "is it too late to find a bakery?" and me, the maid of honour, like: "Look, I'll fall into it if you want me to. I can smash it, and pretend it was an accident." (I am world's worst actress)...

We spent a lot of time on pinterest fails after!

Anyway, I am going to keep trying. I will let you know if I have any worse fails/make any giant improvements.

BenJay · December 2016

@funkykey - You are an amazing Maid of Honor. Offering to dive into that cake to save face. But omg, that's just funny-sad. If this hasn't been in a rom com, it so needs to be. (Btw, love Cake Wrecks) I totally grabbed that image off of the Interwebz. Trust me, I am no professional baker or cookie froster! I've never done that icing technique so it could be a total disaster. A delicious one. I'm a good cook, technically speaking, but don't expect much for presentation. The stuff I make tastes good but nothing to Instagram about. It's this fantasy of mine to make these beautiful, ornate cookies. I imagine that I will have tasty cookie fails for you at Christmas time.

hoffmanr7 · December 2016

Since people have been sharing. tonight I had my book club and it was my turn to bring treat. We had read Fried Green Tomatos so I wanted to do a southern theme and make peach cobbler because it should have been plain, simple. I had so much stinking trouble with it. Grrr.

funkykey · December 2016

Ah! Peaches in December, though?! I am impressed that you even attempted! It's so hard to find decent peaches right now - that must be it.

BenJay · December 2016

@hoffmanr7 - Totally agree with @funkykey, good peaches are tough to find this time of year. Personally, I'd opt for mint juleps or some sweet tea.

SoonToBeMommaHowe · December 2016

Ahh @funkykey your cookies had me cracking up. I find that I always have trouble when I don't follow the recipe to a T. Good luck with the rest of your Christmas projects!

PoeMasque · December 2016

This thread is just what I needed today, thank you ladies for sharing your adventures in baking!!

BenJay · December 2016

My Catty Christmas Miracle or "Why I am going to Hell" -

My SIL, the one that I fear will procreate and tell me what I'm missing out on, how blessed they are blah blah blah, mentioned that they are having TTTC. My DH gave me a look and I felt for the briefest moments a feeling of gratitude that I have a chance at having kids before her. But that quickly faded to empathy - how it must feel like for her, having so much of her life's meaning wrapped up in motherhood. I was supportive, talking about how a 'friend' was going through it.

Day 12 follicular scan scheduled for Dec 30th, possible IUI on New Years' Day. Christmas Miracle #1: I have the 30th off so I don't have to worry about missing work. Miracle #2: Our post-IUI brunch spot is open on New Years'! (This is our silver lining - even if we don't get preggers, at least we get a good brunch.) #blessedamirite

funkykey · December 2016

Ah, OMG re: SIL! OH NO! WHAT IF SHE JOINS THE TTTC MESSAGE BOARD?! She might recognize the cookies! We will have to delete this thread!

(hahaha - that probably didn't need to be all caps!)

Oh man, I actually have not bought one baby thing, because I'm so afraid of that. I can't imagine staring at a diaper genie while having T-TTC. Month after month, and a diaper genie? *shudder*

BenJay · December 2016

I thought about that, but I will take the risk. My cookies will look like any other Internet baking tragedy.

SO READY FOR EGG NOG

(That needed to be all caps)

funkykey · December 2016

Living dangerously. Got it.

Our clinic isn't open til the 4th, and right now it looks like I'm going to ovulate on the 2nd. Grr. So I have to wait to do first IUI. In meantime, I am having a stare-off with my clomid... I'm not supposed to take until the IUI cycle.

BenJay · December 2016

@funkykey - I put my Clomid in a drawer - out of sight out of mind. Sorry your clinic isn't open to make that IUI happen.

That's just so not fair.

I briefly daydreamed that when we 'weren't trying' this cycle that we'd get a BFP. Yeah, no. All the typical advice hasn't helped yet.

3 days until cookie fails! 4 days until I wreck the halls!

Spaniard · December 2016

Funkeykey - I am so sorry to hear about the bad timing for IUI, hopefully you ovulate a bit later...it is such a bummer, if you are anything like me the extra patience to wait for another month to do something about it is SO hard. BUT, looking at the silver lining, you get to drink a bit, go a bit crazy, exercise as much as you want to get ready for your IUI cycle and try one more time without all the extra help, while your DH does not her tortured over xmas with the process (mine is just not having an easy time with all this, I bet he would love a break....).

In any case, I feel you and sending you positive energy.

BenJay · December 2016

OMG one day until cookie fails!

For anyone just joining/lurking: This weekend if you experience any cooking, baking, or decorating fails, snap a picture and share, please. Bonus points if there's a great story with it.

BenJay · December 2016

Cookie fail!

I call this one "Gluepot"

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/ol/ccprov4vlznp.jpg

SoonToBeMommaHowe · December 2016

Hahahhaa @benjay I love it!

i made some fudge that did not harden properly, I'll send photos soon!

BenJay · December 2016

@SoonToBeMommaHowe - yaass! Can't wait!

In other news, the Five Days of Clomid Christmas are over!

ReesaAnne16 · December 2016

Is anyone else hiding from their family? I'm so exhausted from playing with my nieces and nephews, all the crazy gift opening, cleaning up, 2 HUGE heavy meals, and so much noise. I'm done....

BenJay · December 2016

@ReesaAnne16 - I'm laying low today after way too much time with my in-laws. We'll be making ourselves scarce.

funkykey · December 2016

@BenJay - alas, no more cookie fails to be posted for me. After my two disasters, I made a basic chocolate chip that turned out pretty good, except I ended up only baking about half the dough, and then just eating the other half raw. Hahaha. Tis the season! (I destroyed all photographic evidence).

I stopped baking after making myself sick on dough.

BenJay · December 2016

@funkykey - It wouldn't be Christmas without eating yourself sick in one way or another.

I actually didn't overeat, surprisingly, but I did hit the rum and egg nog like woah. I regretted that yesterday.

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