Angry and jealous about my pregnant friend...

bdlvfst · December 2016

Hi all, this is my first post here. My husband and I have been TTC for 18 mo and will finally start IUI in the new year.

A good friend of mine, who has been there throughout our struggle (known about drs appointments, tests, results, etc) is pregnant after 1 month of trying. Instead of telling me in a friendly, gentle way, she announced the news at her birthday party last weekend. I was so shocked and overcome with grief, that I couldn't keep from sobbing and had to leave the party shortly after, without saying goodbye to anyone (not like me at all!). It was a very uncomfortable situation for both my husband and me.

I haven't spoken with her since and have been very depressed and jealous. I'm also really angry with her. I think it was heartless and inconsiderate for her to announce it like she did, knowing everything that we have been through. I don't trust her at all anymore, and I feel foolish for ever opening up and letting myself be vulnerable around her. I don't want to talk to her about her pregnancy and definitely do not feel comfortable sharing anything further about our own journey.

I want to be happy for her but right now it feels impossible. How can I overcome this anger and jealousy?

mrsvp614 · December 2016

bgmarx said:

Hi all, this is my first post here. My husband and I have been TTC for 18 mo and will finally start IUI in the new year.

A good friend of mine, who has been there throughout our struggle (known about drs appointments, tests, results, etc) is pregnant after 1 month of trying. Instead of telling me in a friendly, gentle way, she announced the news at her birthday party last weekend. I was so shocked and overcome with grief, that I couldn't keep from sobbing and had to leave the party shortly after, without saying goodbye to anyone (not like me at all!). It was a very uncomfortable situation for both my husband and me.

I haven't spoken with her since and have been very depressed and jealous. I'm also really angry with her. I think it was heartless and inconsiderate for her to announce it like she did, knowing everything that we have been through. I don't trust her at all anymore, and I feel foolish for ever opening up and letting myself be vulnerable around her. I don't want to talk to her about her pregnancy and definitely do not feel comfortable sharing anything further about our own journey.

I want to be happy for her but right now it feels impossible. How can I overcome this anger and jealousy?

@bgmarx Good morning!
Many of us understand your feelings since everyone here is TTC. But in the future, instead of starting your own thread on the subject, please join us on our TWW or WTO threads where you can share your rants and raves, ask questions about TTC, and interact with the community.

I do understand that what your friend did hurt your feelings. It's hard to see/hear announcements when you're TTC. I think she should've told you first if she knows your struggles. However, I think you also have to consider that when these big things happen in people's lives, it's sometimes hard for them to see outside of themselves, because they're caught up in the excitement of it all.
Have an honest conversation with her, that the way she handled the announcement hurt your feelings. If she's truly a close friend, it may take some time, but you should also be open to sharing some of the excitement with her, as I'm sure you would want her to be excited for you as well.

TalkPretty2Me · December 2016

I'm so sorry that your feelings were hurt. That must've been incredibly difficult for you. If she's a really good friend perhaps you could blame it on her excitement. Sometimes we all do things that hurt other people without realizing it. When you are ready - perhaps you could try to have a chat with her? I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You could think about they ways that you'd like her to continue to support you, while you celebrate her and share that with her? Hugs.

izza2 · December 2016

Seconding PP.
It's difficult for those who have been TTC for months, and especially in your case, for an unfortunate length of time, to hear any BFP announcement. But hearing it from a friend who knows your struggles and seemed insensitive in their sharing can be worse. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
As PP said; your friend may have been so caught up in her own BFP that she may not have thought of how it would affect you. Should she have? Absolutely, since she has been there for your struggles over the past 18 months. But, sometimes even those who've been there for you and know what you're going through don't think of how an announcement like that would affect you. She very likely could have thought you would just be happy because you're close friends, and it's the "norm". She may not have realized that it would have hurt you, as well.

Talk to your friend. Don't sit on it and stew and end things with no conversation. She may not realize you're hurting at the moment, and until you at least talk and know if she really understands or if she didn't care - you won't feel any better about the situation.

As for overcoming the anger and jealousy? I have no advice there. It's different for everyone who's going through the TTC journey, and different depending on how long you've been trying. I was only TTC for ~4 months and have been TTA for schooling for 12 months. Some days I'm excited for BFPs, other days I'm bitter because I still want to have what they have. You've been trying for 18 months; let yourself feel however you need to feel, but don't let it be all-consuming, either.

GL on your TTC journey, and on your upcoming IUI. My fingers are crossed for you, as they are for everyone who's TTGP.
In the meantime, I highly suggest reading the newbie post pinned to the top of this board (while you're not new to TTC, you're new to the community), and participating in our daily threads to get to know the wonderful ladies here.

bdlvfst · December 2016

Thank you all for the replies! Even just typing it all out here has made me feel somewhat better. @MrsVP614, I'm sorry to have posted in the wrong place -- I didn't realise. Thanks for the info, as I definitely want to be involved in the community.

ColoradoHiker · December 2016

@bgmarx I agree with the other ladies. I'll be honest, your friend made a shitty move. If she' really a good, close friend, it would have been the polite thing to let you know ahead of time. But, that's passed now, and your feelings are totally legitimate.

Talk to your friend. She truly may not have known how badly it would affect you. Has she tried to contact you at all? Ask if you can meet and have a coffee, whatever you would normally do together. Let her know that you're truly happy for her, but a heads up might have been nice.

As for getting past the jealousy? There's not much I can offer. There are times I see friends or women I don't even know who are pregnant, and I get jealous, even though I don't have problems with infertility. It's very specific to each person. Also, please join us in the community, there are many women here who see REs, have had IUIs or IVF, etc. I think you may find a lot of solace and support here!

bdlvfst · December 2016

@ColoradoHiker thank you. She hasn't tried to reach out yet, but I think she might know that I need space. She did see how upset I was at the party after all. It's good advice to meet with her and just talk to her honestly.

[Deleted User] · December 2016

Welcome @bgmarx. ! There is a lot of support here from a host of awesome women who totally get it. (((Hugs))) as pps have said, go ahead and read the newbie thread, intro on the weekly newbie intro thread, and jump into the daily wto/tww threads! There's a format there for asking questions as well as rants/raves. ;) plus you'll get to know all the women here in a really meaningful way, if you sick around.

I agree with pps - although she probably should have known better, if she's a real friend, I would try not to hold what she did in her excitement against her; and perhaps through a good honest talk, you may both learn something. :)

Unfortunately, this is the kind of stuff that can really harm/end relationships depending on how BOTH PARTIES handle it. And it's natural for the dunamic to change as your lives move through different stages. Hopefully your friendship will be able to weather those changes, but there may be growing pains that come with the territory, too.

Try setting up some ground rules too, whatever you think might make you feel more comfortable. Like, would you really prefer she not bring up the pregnancy unless you ask her first? Do you reserve the right to change the subject - even abruptly if need be - if the pg talk is too much? Etc. Brainstorm what you think might help keep the dialogue open for you both, but not unnecessarily cruel to you, either. She's pg. She's excited. She is going to want to talk about it. I do think setting up some healthy boundsries for yourself will be critical to your own mental/emotional health and well being, and that of the friendship, if you do want to keep it intact.

She may not be capable of supporting you the way you feel you need right now. Or she may pleasantly surprise you! But not talking about it is a sure way to kill the friendship, dead in the water. :/

As for jealousy... it's hard. I try to trust and believe that our time will come, and remember that *her* being ku right now in no way THREATENS your own chance to conceive, kwim? Maybe that sounds silly, but it's not like there's a finite number of babies to go around, and now that she's ku, your shot just went down, right? ;) and meanwhile, not sure how far along she is, but the sad truth is, losses happen. Hopefully it goes well for her and she gets her take-home baby. But if it doesn't, she's really going to need support. Everyone rushes to coo over the ku woman and wants to touch the bump, but loss can be really isolating by comparison. If it comes to it, she may really need you to be there for her, the way she has been then your testing etc so far. (((Hugs))) gl with your upcoming iui(s) and Welcome! Don't give up hope, either, you! :D

bdlvfst · December 2016

@BusinessWife thank you for this. It's a great idea to set up boundaries to take care of myself throughout the process. I will definitely take some time to be understanding of her excitement and articulate about what I feel before talking to her, but will talk to her at some point nonetheless. It would be very sad to lose a friend for good.

In the meantime I've read the welcome and newbie posts and have a better understanding of how it all works, (although I will need some time to get all these abbreviations under my belt).

Happy to be here and thankful for everyone's response!

Tennis11785 · December 2016

I was scrolling down to add something that helps me, and then I noticed that it's essentially what @BusinessWife said. So I second it. Every time I feel the pangs of jealousy, I say to myself "there are not a finite number of babies in the world." It felt really stupid at first, but eventually it started to help.

Sorry this has been such a tough road for you, but welcome to our little corner of the internet!

eggplantface · December 2016

@BusinessWife, as always, eloquently expressed my thoughts. And here's an anecdote about a situation I dealt with that's similar: I've been open with all of my friends about TTC and what I've been dealing with, and I knew a friend of mine was TTC #2 although she didn't talk about it like I did. I hadn't heard from her in a while, and then one day I went to a mutual friend's house for a BBQ and she walked in, at least six months' pregnant. Normally my rule is to never assume someone is pregnant, but in my shock I just blurted out "OMG you're pregnant??!?!" She looked kind of sheepish and says "Yeah, didn't you know?" and I said "How would I?" I was of course happy for her, but I was also pissed off because I felt like her hiding it was insulting to me, like she didn't trust me to be happy for her, or she thought I'd be jealous or react badly, or who knows what. So on one hand, she thought she was sparing me pain, but on the other hand, I felt like an idiot because everyone else knew and I felt like people at the BBQ were watching me for a breakdown. I honestly don't know what the correlation here is, but your situation reminded me of this.

crazypuglady · December 2016

We've all been there... unfortunately there's nothing you can really do about those feelings. Just allow yourself to feel them- grieve if you need to.. but also remember if this person is a close enough friend that you had confided your struggles to, it's probably not a friendship you want to end over this. It's hard to be happy for her- I get it. But, who knows- you may end up being KU at the same time... how special would that be!?

I've had several announcements pop up over social media recently, but the one that really stung was my cousin, who just got married in Oct and I believe they weren't even trying. We haven't been trying very long, but still, it's easy to feel like you want to scream "Not fair!" However, I love her dearly, and she and her H have struggled with a lot over the years (Both of them are former addicts that have overcome dependency and mental illness) and it warms my heart to see her so happy and her life finally on track. Plus.. it'd be pretty cool if we had kids close together, as we are only 6 months apart in age ourselves.

I have another friend who initially I was jealous of because she and her H started trying immediately after their wedding. (I had been married for 2 years and was still trying to convince my H to have kids at the time.) More than a year later they still haven't gotten KU, and now I'm feeling guilty b/c I might get KU before her. (OR maybe not.. who knows!)

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the emotions, but at the end of the day, everything will work out the way it's supposed to. One day at a time, and know that your turn IS coming! *hugs*

bdlvfst · December 2016

@eggplantface thank you for pointing that out. It's not something I considered but now that you've mentioned it, you might be right. Maybe she thought that by announcing it nonchalantly that it wouldn't be such a big deal? Maybe she thought that by treating me like all her other friends, she would also be able to spare me the pain?

@crazypuglady you're right, I definitely do not want to lose a friend over this, especially one who I've been so close with. And yes, it would be really special to go through pregnancy together.

After reading all your comments and thinking more about it, I realize how easy it was to be so wrapped up in my own emotions that I didn't even think about how she must feel. I can imagine now that it might have been hard for her to know the right way to tell me, and even harder still when I abruptly left the party sobbing!

eggplantface · December 2016

bdlvfst said:

@eggplantface thank you for pointing that out. It's not something I considered but now that you've mentioned it, you might be right. Maybe she thought that by announcing it nonchalantly that it wouldn't be such a big deal? Maybe she thought that by treating me like all her other friends, she would also be able to spare me the pain?

@crazypuglady you're right, I definitely do not want to lose a friend over this, especially one who I've been so close with. And yes, it would be really special to go through pregnancy together.

After reading all your comments and thinking more about it, I realize how easy it was to be so wrapped up in my own emotions that I didn't even think about how she must feel. I can imagine now that it might have been hard for her to know the right way to tell me, and even harder still when I abruptly left the party sobbing!

I think you're on to something here. I think if my friend had made a big deal about telling me privately and making sure I was OK, I would also have been insulted, like "You don't think I'm a grown ass woman and can handle my friend's good news?" I guess we're all different and will react differently, and they have no way of knowing how we'll feel (because sometimes even I don't know how I'll feel!) so we all just do the best we can and hope we made the right choice.

wannabeamongoose · December 2016

@eggplantface @bdlvfst I have a friend who had been TTC for 2 years when I got KU with #1. We hadn't told anyone we'd been trying, but we had been at it for about a year and I knew how isolating it felt when the people around me seemed to get KU the first go around. So in my attempt to be sensitive to her struggle I asked her over for coffee one day to tell her in private. She was beyond pissed that I thought she was this delicate flower who couldn't handle hearing the news in the same way as everyone else. There were other things happening in her life that fed into her strong reaction, and she probably would have been just as upset no matter how I told her, but after talking to her I was at a total and complete loss as to how I should tell anyone else. (On a side note, she reached out later to explain what was going on, we had a really good and honest talk, we're totally good now, and she now has a beautiful 4 month old boy!)
The reality is that this whole TTC business messes with our heads and the longer we're at it the more messy it can get. It sounds like this is a friendship that you want to keep, so I second @BusinessWife that the best thing you can do is take some time to take care of your needs (however crazy they may feel), set up boundaries for yourself and then communicate them clearly to your friend.

izza2 · December 2016

Lizlann said:

@eggplantface @bdlvfst I have a friend who had been TTC for 2 years when I got KU with #1. We hadn't told anyone we'd been trying, but we had been at it for about a year and I knew how isolating it felt when the people around me seemed to get KU the first go around. So in my attempt to be sensitive to her struggle I asked her over for coffee one day to tell her in private. She was beyond pissed that I thought she was this delicate flower who couldn't handle hearing the news in the same way as everyone else. There were other things happening in her life that fed into her strong reaction, and she probably would have been just as upset no matter how I told her, but after talking to her I was at a total and complete loss as to how I should tell anyone else. (On a side note, she reached out later to explain what was going on, we had a really good and honest talk, we're totally good now, and she now has a beautiful 4 month old boy!)
The reality is that this whole TTC business messes with our heads and the longer we're at it the more messy it can get. It sounds like this is a friendship that you want to keep, so I second @BusinessWife that the best thing you can do is take some time to take care of your needs (however crazy they may feel), set up boundaries for yourself and then communicate them clearly to your friend.

MomLeslieM · December 2016

I'm so sorry....everyone else has expressed good thoughts. It's so hard when we see PG ladies all around - and even harder when it's a good friend. I would let her know you are sorry you had to leave the birthday party but you were just so surprised and that you were indeed hurt and jealous even though you want the best for her....Praying for you.

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