Define "trying"

MariaBend25 · December 2016

hi everyone! So have a question I hope will start a discussion. My husband and I disagree over the word trying. As in, how long have you been trying to conceive? I also can't seem to get a definition online. Our doctor takes my stance...
i got off BC three years ago, the first year being separated from the DH living on separate coasts but visiting about every month. We thought things might happen naturally just doing what we do without prevention. We then started trying to do the BD more often but never really charted. Now I am using Glow to track things. To me we began trying once I was off BC. To my DH we haven't started yet because I just started tracking things and we need to time the BD better. The doc says regardless of timing or tracking after three years of no BC there should have been at least one pregnancy.

Thoughts? How do you define trying when asked that question?

tamalahoops · December 2016

My personal standpoint is that you are trying once you are routinely having well timed intercourse. For that you need to be at least trying to confirm ovulation. With well timed intercourse you still only have a 20% of getting pregnant. Its very possible that you're just missing your fertile window entirely. I think you should try opks or temping for at least a few months before you throw in the towel and start any treatment.

However, if you are already aware that you have a condition then it makes sense to go ahead and get started with an RE. They can give you more insight on when/if you are ovulating.

oxinfree · December 2016

I agree with @tamalahoops - I don't think going off BC pills can be considered trying since timing is everything and there really is a smaller window than ppl think each month to conceive in.

For me "trying" was when we started tracking ovulation (temping/opks) so we knew we were in my fertile range when bd'ing.

That being said, some people "pull the goalie" and hope for the best, knowing ovulation happens in the middle of the cycle, so for those people if they were consciously hoping to get pregnant, sure, I'd consider that trying too. Depends on the individual and their circumstance etc.

I would personally agree with your husband, but I understand what your doc is saying too. However if you constantly have intercourse away from your fertile window (I know this is often the case with me because I experience ovulation pain and am often not naturally in the mood around that time), then it's irrelevant that there's no BC pills because you're essentially using timing as bc.

tiffanyw1783 · December 2016

I consider me and DH trying from the time we got married. I stopped birth control 2 months before our wedding. We used no contraception b/c we wanted to start trying immediately due to my endo. I didn't start using OPKs until about 6 months later. Which were a bust for me. My OB-GYN considered us trying from the time I stopped BCP. My RE didn't consider us trying until we started using OPK and charting. DH doesn't really have an opinion on the matter, he just knows we haven't gotten pregnant in the 9 years we've been "trying"!

jewellbush · December 2016

We consider "trying" from the moment we discussed our plans for growing our family, and both agreed that we were ready to become parents (2012). Due to his work travel schedule, selling/buying/moving homes, and a lot of other factors, we weren't always able to "try" every single month. But if we didn't have timed intercourse it was always because of an external factor. We believe that our TTC journey started with the mutual agreement to grow our family.

cakeforbreakfast · December 2016

Not trying, not preventing is kinda what you started with; going off birth control, having unprotected sex, letting nature take its course kinda thing.
Now your trying to conceive by actively tracking your cycle for fertile window, timing and having frequent intercourse, using OPKs that kinda thing.
The first year I would count as trying to make a baby because a choice was made and hopes built up, but I wouldn't stress over the first year so much because it's hard to make a baby without the vital fertile window being covered.
Once you see a doctor, use pee sticks, and track cycles and intercourse is when the trying starts for those of us who are infertile..... So I guess it depends on the audience. I think you and your mister are both right lol.

APM_SLP · December 2016

I considered us "trying" when we got off of birth control, which was a week before our wedding. We were having intercourse often enough where we didn't need to track ovulation.

dadezbombz · December 2016

We defined trying as being off the pill abd having timed intercourse after tracking my cycles

Polythene Pam · December 2016

Timed intercourse while off of BC. With my daughter I was off BC but for various reasons we blatantly missed my fertile window for a good 6 months, I considered us trying when we started BDing during that window. Say you had sex 2-3x a week all the time, even without knowing your ovulation day exactly you should have SOME kind of luck.

all that being said, the most frustrating thing for me in this process was how long testing took.. we started tests in Feb 2016 and will just now be doing IVF this Jan. Appts take months to see docs (around here) and every test is incredibly specific for when they can do it. So if you want to get the ball rolling and start tests if your doc would agree with your timing stance, I'd start. It doesn't hurt, and you can really track ovulation even while starting tests.

MariaBend25 · December 2016

Thanks everyone. We are already past the testing point with infertility diagnosis for both me and DH (his was unexpected). I think he might be in denial so tries to explain away not getting pregnant because we "never really tried" which to him is charting and BD every other day. I tried to explain two to theee times a week should have gotten somewhere over three years. We are now game planning for our next testing follow up appointment... as in what would we want to do given certain results. He thinks no matter what we should give it a year of "for-real trying" when I think it will just be a waste of time with PCOS, hormone imbalances, and sperm issues when, to me, we have "tried" over the last three years.

kangastein · December 2016

@MariaBend25 I hate to be blunt but on the other board you posted that he has really low counts, morphology and motility. This is definitely why you haven't conceived. It's doubtful with low counts that you will naturally and trying for years won't help. We spent 6 months trying to get our numbers up and even with IUI were unable to even get a BFP. Speak with a urologist. PCOS Is in theory not the issue because you should be ovulating at some point, you just get less times in the year.

JuliaGoolia719 · December 2016

Personally I say when you are having sex without preventing pregnancy you are "trying".

I get that its not as intense as charting and OPK's etc. but I still say if you aren't actively preventing pregnancy you are trying.

MariaBend25 · December 2016

@kangastein. Blunt is ok. His numbers were surprising as it was tests just to rule him out and focus on my issues, but ruled him in too. So we are waiting on second round of tests to see if there was something off. I doubt things will be much different. But it was yet another blow after my work up already showed a number of issues. I think it was also a blow to him and there might be a bit of denial/pride going on as a coping mechanism, even though that is being denied. I don't want to push the "trying" issue too hard right now because of that and was hoping there is some type of accepted consensus to convince him we don't need more time to "really try". More will be decided when we hear results and going forward options.

kangastein · December 2016

@mariabend25 I had to deal with the pride too and unfortunately it did just take time and acceptance of seeing failed cycles. Maybe try to convince him to take supplements and get his numbers up and try timed intercourse or IUI for a few months, but asking for a year after 3 is outrageous. If you have been having unprotected sex, you've been trying. A lot of girls with MFI see pregnancies first round of IVF, it really is a miracle and it's the most straightforward way to a healthy pregancy with male factor. I learnt this over the course of now 3 years trying. I was hesistant to IVF mostly for the price and honestly should have saved my money doing anything else and done it first.

funkykey · December 2016

MariaBend25 said:

I think he might be in denial so tries to explain away not getting pregnant because we "never really tried" which to him is charting and BD every other day.

Totally would not surprise me. My DH has great numbers, and still acts like he's in denial. I have pretty good numbers too - like when they give me ultrasounds and look at my lining/follicles, or my AMH, whatever. I think because our numbers are good, my DH thinks it's just going to take us a couple more tries just ourselves, without assistance. To which I say: "You're in denial. There's a problem, we just don't have an actionable diagnosis."

But give it time - I imagine that was a hell of a diagnosis to receive. Might be worth spending a couple of weeks to digest the news before regrouping.

One of the weirdest things about IF is how much you have to think about "trying" vs. "not trying". Like, you have to think about it way more than other people. I cannot tell you how many women I know who got pregnant so much faster than they thought they would, right when they went of BC. And me? We went off BC and were having timed intercourse, and when I didn't get KUd at first, I was like: "Maybe I'm not timing enough - maybe my ovulation estimates are wrong, maybe my OPK was wrong." At some points, I even was like: "Are we having sex like other people are having sex? Am I doing something wrong? Are we in the wrong position, or is this the wrong hole, or do I have a secret, working vagina that I don't know about?" I kept second guessing myself. And that's even before DH started "really trying" himself, like learning about the cervical mucus and checking my OPKs himself, marking my fertile window in his calendar, etc. Sometimes, after my FW now, DH looks like he's going to puke. Like, on the like 5th day of our BD, he approaches the bed like it's a prison sentence, he's so tired.

If there's something wrong, it really doesn't matter how hard you try by yourself, your odds are just so low - you're like sisyphus, and having spent $1000 on OPKs. But coming to terms with that has been a journey unto itself, at least for us.

KLake42 · December 2016

For what it's worth, I don't think you need to get a consensus. If you're not ready to pay for and undergo medical interventions, you get to choose to wait.

Yeah, based on how long you've not been using protection, and his tests, I think you have challenges and it may be a long shot to hope to get pregnant without help. If I were you, I would seek medical intervention.

But I'm not you. If you want to wait, you have the right to wait.

wabash15 · December 2016

Lurking from TTGP
@MariaBend25 FWIW the glow app is junk if you want any information about your cycle. I would recommend using fertility friend, the first few cycles some of the information (ie fertile week is general) but once it learns your bodies trends it is far more accurate. I am with the other ladies if you have been having unprotected sex you have at least been NTNP for 3 years and something should have happened.

MariaBend25 · December 2016

Thanks everyone the support means a lot and it truly is helpful to know I am not alone on this boat. I hope more can be done and might take some time to digest everything now with two IF diagnosis. I have felt like some of you mentioned, is this even how to have sex, are we doing something wrong? Lol. The last thing I want though is for this stressful time to hurt our marriage because that comes first to me and I know he has my back no matter what so I gotta be there for him to go through his process too.

JESSABER0414 · December 2016

@MariaBend25 You've received lots of good advice and opinions but I'd like to share story because when I first found these boards I was scouring for someone like me to make me feel "normal". I have almost your same story, at least the factors you're dealing with (PCOS and low count with low motility). however, my DH wasn't trying to convince me to try longer, he was convinced nothing would work and IVF was the only thing that would work. that was very isolating and not helpful in our very new marriage. but after 9 medicated cycles , 3 with IUI we found out in fact, it was him too and damn, if he wasn't right !
After our decision to proceed with IVF after not a single BFP over 2 years "trying" our marriage got way better. We don't dread BDing, I don't nag about his supplements and we both contributed our part.
It wasn't an easy pill to swallow, but I totally trust my doctor and feel confident I'm getting pregnant with FET of one of our 12 frozen embryos.

Best of luck working things out and keep reaching out for support !

MariaBend25 · December 2016

@JESSABER0414. Thank you so much for sharing your story. That does take a bit of a load off, I'm sure you know what I mean. I am personally fearful that IVF is our only option because I don't think I can do it, even though my husband might be willing we also have the reality that we cannot afford it. Makes the options look a little glim but we will get wherever we are going. I wish you and your hubster the best and hope that IVF will work a little miracle for you!

Marley629 · December 2016

I say we have been "trying" since I began temping, using opks etc from October 2015. My RE however counts the time way before then (so now 3 years) since I was not on birth control and we were only using the "pull and pray" method-

LadyMillil · December 2016

I would consider any time that you were having regular unprotected sex to be trying. I don't think you need to be temping or using opks to be considered trying. Yes, they will help you time sex better, but if you were having sex a few times a week you were likely hitting your FW and would have a chance of pregnancy.

liljoy-2 · December 2016

For us trying was only the months I used OPK and TI (once or twice during that 3 day window), 8 months total...:( BDing became unpleasant for DH because of the pressure and because I tend to get UTIs. After he found out he had low count he became defensive and sensitive (men's pride) still not acknowledging he may be contributing to the issue (he mostly thinks I have 80% of the "issue") and wants to go IVF/IUI. He doesn't even want to BD anymore in the 'fertile" window, he says it's pointless.