Is it okay to request shower date? Person has not yet asked

WkoutMomtoBe · October 2016

Not sure how to address this situation...I know that hubby's family will want to throw me a baby shower (like they did bridal shower) whether it's his mom/sister(s)/sister-in-law or whomever. BUT I know that I want an early one for several reasons. They are 3 hours away and it'll be thrown there since that's where everyone lives (family/cousins/aunts/etc). I'm due in early April, I have a demanding job and am in graduate school and am high risk so I could deliver early. I'm off in December/January for work and graduate school so I thought mid January would be good.

BUT how do I bring this up if no one has yet offered? My bridal shower was 1 month before the wedding (which was very stressful since I teach) and sister in law was pregnant last year and it was thrown 3 weeks before her due date.

That's just not doable and extremely stressful to me....

Do I just have to wait until someone on his side brings it up....or can I nicely mention to someone "if there's going to be a shower, then x date would be good"? Maybe hubby can mention to his mom (in case anyone asks her)

Oh and my best friend has offered to throw a shower in our/my hometown (but that'll be for my immediate fam/close friends here, DH's side will want to throw one in their town since they're 3 hours away. Plus that's A LOT of people for my gf to host since his family is huge)

penelope4612 · October 2016

I would not give a date now since no one has offered and it comes off as pretty demanding to request a date when no one has offered. If you're confident that they are going to offer, you could mention the other shower and ask if they would like to be added to the guest list, but you run the risk that they might say yes. But if they are going to throw one it gives them the opportunity to say so.

SaphireSweetie88 · October 2016

I would not say I want my shower on x date. It makes you seem demanding and you can potentially embarrass yourself and have an awkward situation if they weren't planning on giving you one. Wait to see if they bring it up

Linsbins · October 2016

Have hubby drop it into the conversation.

BumpasaurusRex · October 2016

I agree with PPs, do not bring this up especially since a shower hasn't been offered yet. You are assuming they will want to throw one, which they very well might, but again it's just an assumption.

Is it possible that if they throw one, it will be a surprise? If that would ever be the case, I'm assuming your DH will have some idea about it and will voice your scheduling dates to them.

WkoutMomtoBe · October 2016

Thanks everyone, you're right in that it is wrong to assume but I know I will have one BUT I do not want to seem rude at all. I like the person's idea of "my friend is throwing me a shower for x date, would you and your daughters like to be added to the list" and leave it that. DH also knows how his family is and there will be a shower so he might say something to his mom too BUT we'll most likely just keep our mouths shut

This may bring up a shower and last year they were mentioning a bridal shower 6 months before wedding but nothing happened until last minute, I can't deal with that at all....stress and the fact I might go early. SO I may have to be rude and decline until after.

I know it's so silly be these are the things that stress me out.

BumpasaurusRex · October 2016

WkoutMomtoBe said:

Thanks everyone, you're right in that it is wrong to assume but I know I will have one BUT I do not want to seem rude at all. I like the person's idea of "my friend is throwing me a shower for x date, would you and your daughters like to be added to the list" and leave it that. DH also knows how his family is and there will be a shower so he might say something to his mom too BUT we'll most likely just keep our mouths shut

This may bring up a shower and last year they were mentioning a bridal shower 6 months before wedding but nothing happened until last minute, I can't deal with that at all....stress and the fact I might go early. SO I may have to be rude and decline until after.

I know it's so silly be these are the things that stress me out.

I understand that not knowing the dates is stressful. But really, it's just a baby shower so as long as you have the basics for when the baby comes, everything else is just a bonus!

WkoutMomtoBe · October 2016

It's the fact that I have a demanding job and am in grad school. My wknds are full. Going out of town for an entire wknd is near impossible hence wanting it while I'm still on break in January (not to mention I could go early...all the stress from everything is just a lot and I'd really like an early shower).

SnarkasaurusRex · October 2016

A baby shower is a gift; it's not a requirement. If you think you are going to go early, then you and your H need to prepare with the essentials ahead of time - that's not the job of your shower guests.

Like PPs have said, it's really poor etiquette to bring it up, or go the round about way and have your H bring it up.

BumpasaurusRex · October 2016

SnarkasaurusRex said:

A baby shower is a gift; it's not a requirement. If you think you are going to go early, then you and your H need to prepare with the essentials ahead of time - that's not the job of your shower guests.

Like PPs have said, it's really poor etiquette to bring it up, or go the round about way and have your H bring it up.

100% yes to the bolded.

If you purchase what you will need for the baby now, you'll probably feel less stressed.

You'd like an early shower but you don't even know if anyone wants to throw one for you. So really, it's a non-issue until someone offers.

Focus on school and work and let the chips fall where they will fall. At the end of the day, it's just a party.

WkoutMomtoBe · October 2016

@SnarkasaurusRex

I agree completely hence me asking about asking. I will not. I will go with my friend who as soon as I found out I was pregnant offered to throw me a shower and she asked me what date, etc.

I know his fam will throw one and will be last minute about it, the date will not be up to me (that's what happened with my bridal shower & sil's baby shower) and I may just decline depending where we're at, etc (i'm high risk, could go early, hubby lost his job, we're most likely moving out of state, etc)

@BumpasaurusRex agreed, it is just a party but his family takes this all very seriously and likes to celebrate everything (huge extended fam).

I tried to decline a bridal shower (bc they threw us engagement party, short engagement and my bridesmaids were throwing me bachelorette party[they honored my wish of no bridal shower]) BUT DH and his mom said this is how family is. DH backed me though and we were insistent, no bridal shower. His mom pushed and pushed. It happened and it was not good (people I didn't know didn't say hi or introduce themselves to me, just went and talked to other family, date was not up to me and it was stressful bc of my job, nuts were served (I'm allergic), I sat alone at one point, was forced to wear veil, his mom took a pic of me opening each gift, digging through my things to see what I got/get pics)

neverblushed · October 2016

WkoutMomtoBe said:

SO I may have to be rude and decline until after.

I know it's so silly be these are the things that stress me out.

I actually don't think it would be rude of you to decline, but I understand that a family who is really big on doing parties like this may feel put out if you refuse. In the event that it happens, you could fall back on the chance that you will deliver early -- how terrible you would feel if they went to ALL the trouble and expense of a shower for nothing if you deliver early -- and suggest that they throw a "meet the baby" party later in early summer. That might placate them.

LoveLee85 · October 2016

It's been a while, but my DH family threw me a last second shower and it was insanity stressful, so I understand. The reason it was so stressful is they moved the date one me 12 times. Yes, you read correctly 12 TIMES!!! I moved plans, work, weekend away, and I should have just declined. It was sooo stressful. Every other day there was a text that it wasn't that day anymore but another day. I only spoke up when they then picked the same day as my families shower. I just nicely said that won't work, and they weren't happy with me. I swear, it caused me so much stress. If you have to, decline nicely! That's what I should have done!!!!

fwtx5815 · December 2016

This thread is already 2 months old, but this board in general is slow, so whatever-

OP, my baby was born on a Friday morning, just 2 hours before my work shower was supposed to happen, and I was supposed to have a family shower the next day on Saturday. He wasn't super early either, I was 37+5 when he was born. My shower hostesses just waited until the last minute for various reasons. I was a little bit bummed that I didn't get to actually celebrate with everyone, but I still was given all the gifts that I would have received. The only stressful part was finding time to write thank-yous with a newborn in the house, but everyone understood why they were a few weeks late getting in the mail. And honestly, the introvert in me was a little relieved to not be the center of attention at those showers that didn't end up happening.

WkoutMomtoBe · December 2016

so his mom brought up shower at thanksgiving and was all "and we've talked about your shower". We hadn't so I replied "Well we haven't but my gf is throwing one in my town on Jan 14". I was going to see about inviting her and 3 sister in laws (In-laws and his huge extended fam live 3 hours away). She sighed bc she's throwing one for her nephew's wife on that day.

We are moving 3 hours away in early Feb for DH's job (we will still be 3 hours from his fam) and he talked to her about setting date. She said she'd talkd to people...she won't throw it but is asking a sister to?? I'm not sure.

Still no clue *shrugs* so it's annoying but at least I'll have one with my fam and close friends in my town before we move.

fwtx5815 · December 2016

WkoutMomtoBe said:

so his mom brought up shower at thanksgiving and was all "and we've talked about your shower". We hadn't so I replied "Well we haven't but my gf is throwing one in my town on Jan 14". I was going to see about inviting her and 3 sister in laws (In-laws and his huge extended fam live 3 hours away). She sighed bc she's throwing one for her nephew's wife on that day.

We are moving 3 hours away in early Feb for DH's job (we will still be 3 hours from his fam) and he talked to her about setting date. She said she'd talkd to people...she won't throw it but is asking a sister to?? I'm not sure.

Still no clue *shrugs* so it's annoying but at least I'll have one with my fam and close friends in my town before we move.

Realistically though, 3 hours one way is a long way to travel for a baby shower as a guest. At a minimum that turns into an all-day event for the out-of-town guests between driving there, the actual shower, and then driving back, or it would mean they'd have to stay overnight.
Hopefully they're able to figure out something that you're comfortable with that also works for his family. If they can't plan something before baby, then maybe they could do something a few weeks after baby arrives.

WkoutMomtoBe · December 2016

I would be the only out of town guest (3 hours away and in middle of selling house /buying new house and moving out of state.....finding doing hospital/dr/doula, etc)...everyone attending lives in or near that town.

I'd be the only one inconvenienced in 3rd trimester with a lot of other stress going on.

fwtx5815 · December 2016

@WkoutMomtoBe I was referring to the bolded in your previous post:

WkoutMomtoBe said:

so his mom brought up shower at thanksgiving and was all "and we've talked about your shower". We hadn't so I replied "Well we haven't but my gf is throwing one in my town on Jan 14". I was going to see about inviting her and 3 sister in laws (In-laws and his huge extended fam live 3 hours away). She sighed bc she's throwing one for her nephew's wife on that day.

We are moving 3 hours away in early Feb for DH's job (we will still be 3 hours from his fam) and he talked to her about setting date. She said she'd talkd to people...she won't throw it but is asking a sister to?? I'm not sure.

Still no clue *shrugs* so it's annoying but at least I'll have one with my fam and close friends in my town before we move.

Is it okay to request shower date? Person has not yet asked

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