A little Jealous...help?

midge519 · December 2016

This is pregnancy related but this time I'm not the pregnant one. We have family friends (a couple) that are staying with my parents. I have known them practically my entire life and I really do like them. They were in a really bad situation and my parents gave them a place to stay. They don't charge them rent but they help out constantly, putting food in the house, bills, gas, housework, yard work, etc. They express their gratitude towards my parents all the time and for that I'm incredibly thankful. They have experienced two losses in the last two years and are now pregnant. I'm very happy for them as this seems to be their sticky baby and they are already working on making sure things are in order for the baby. I was talking to my mom today and she brought up about helping her throw a baby shower. I expressed that if she throws a shower I believe it should be very small (they each have a child from previous relationships 8 and 13 boys), and that I cannot afford a whole lot being that I am getting married in 8 months. This is where my ugly jealous side is in my head and I'm trying to figure it out and what I need to do to not express it to them. When I was pregnant with LO the talk of a shower was not brought up at all, except for my Dad to state that you only get one for your first. While I tend to agree with this it really hurts. My sister had one for all three of her children that my parents were kind of involved in the latest when LO was only 4 months old. I guess I'm feeling like my pregnancy was thrown on the back burner for everyone but he two immediately following mine are most important. On top of it knowing we're planning the wedding and costs and stuff they just keep wanting us to do things for others but they have never offered or asked about helping us (wedding or baby). I know this is just me being jealous and I need to get over it but damn this sucks. I'm not really sure where to go with my feelings on all this. My mom says the whole "They don't have anything since its been so long, if this one is a girl everyone will be more excited, etc" and it just makes me want to scream. I have already offered, and will be dropping off, out infant seat with the base, our pack and play, and any clothing they may be able to use so the two biggest things they'll need they don't even have to worry about buying. I'm just frustrated. Anyone have any advice how to get myself to stop feeling this way?

TL;DR- I'm feeling jealous that my family wants to throw a shower for someone else and I don't know how to get over it.

Melissa9481 · December 2016

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'd feel the same way. I don't have any real advice other than just do what you're already doing and if pushed to do more, make it clear your priority lies with your wedding. It is so frustrating when it's assumed you will go above and beyond for others but don't get the same when it's about you. (This is probably me projecting so feel free to ignore that part! )

midge519 · December 2016

Melissa9481 said:

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'd feel the same way. I don't have any real advice other than just do what you're already doing and if pushed to do more, make it clear your priority lies with your wedding. It is so frustrating when it's assumed you will go above and beyond for others but don't get the same when it's about you. (This is probably me projecting so feel free to ignore that part! )

Thank you! I think that's my exact frustration. I got to talk to SO yesterday after he got home and I expressed how I'm feeling with it all and he helped me out too. I'm finding that some all three of my pregnancies were over shadowed at some point by someone else (my first my sister was super jealous and did the whole I'm the oldest I should have the first bit and then she got pregnant, my second her and her then boyfriend weren't together but suddenly we're back together pregnant and getting married and then my third by her pregnancy again and her previous loss) this is just a trigger I guess. I realized I need to let myself feel and keep expressing to him but obviously not to them. And you're right I'll be pushing that my priority is the wedding because we'll it is lol

Melissa9481 · December 2016

I get it. I felt I was being a freak when I was pregnant because my younger sister announced she was pregnant too. I knew i didn't OWN pregnancy but she already had two kids and tons of abusive ex drama. I wanted my baby to be the youngest for a second and soak up that new babyness but no. She also insisted on a wedding the month before I was due so we had to plan my shower around her wedding shower and wedding. It just didn't feel fair. I complained to SO and friends but mostly held my tounge with her.

She still tests me by being competitive with milestones even tho the girls are about 6 months apart. (Example, LO got teeth at 4 months and has never stopped teething. Well then her LO was suddenly teething at 4 weeks. To this day my niece has no teeth and Finley has 16. Just eye rolling annoying crap.)

Try not to let other people stress you out tho. My first wedding I was so stressed with other people's drama I literally lost my hair!

midge519 · December 2016

@melissa9481 I totally understand you!! My sister is constantly comparing LO to her youngest..and well our older ones too. But our youngest ones are 6 months apart and she made a comment to my mom about how her guy want cruising furniture and going "Oh look at him walking, Damien isn't even walking yet." When I found out I was really hut by it. At that point Damien wasn't walking on his own more than step or two but he had been cruising for months prior. Made me feel good today when I saw her and Damien's walking all over so she could see he isn't stupid. I'm sure that isn't what she meant by it but thats how it made me feel and I was just like Show Auntie what you can you!! And then she goes "Wow doesn't he talk?!" Because her LO was babbling and what not. I said yea he does but only when he is comfortable and typically not for a while after someone comes around. He is quite shy and has to get a good read on people before he does anything but walk around. After a while he opened up and starting babbling and doing all sorts of stuff. I just want to scream that babies are different and have different personalities and you have to let each be their own person!

On a good note I got to talk to my sister about the wedding today. She is the only bridesmaid I'm worried wont be able to buy her own dress, with that SO and I are fully prepared to (but hope not to have to) buy her dress. We are going super simple with the girls pick their own dresses as long as they follow a few rules: black, about knee length, preferably not satin-y (not shiny), and not body con style. She told me she may already have one if I'm ok with it. I am so relieved by this!!! So I'll take the little wins and let it help me over my feelings lol

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