Just so hard to accept

KM2J · December 2016

Last Thursday, at 10 weeks, 5 days pregnant, I went to the doctor for my second ultrasound. Second because we got pregnant through IVF and I was super excited to go back to my regular OB. The dreaded words that I will never forget were my OB saying "I am so sorry, I am just not seeing what I need to see. Baby is measuring 8 weeks 5 days and there is no longer a heartbeat." My heart sank. My previous visit was with my RE and heartbeat was fantastic and baby was growing right on target at 8 weeks 3 days. So, 2 days later was the apparent end?

I wanted to just go home and cry and wait to miscarry at home. I waited from Thursday until Monday before I gave in and went for the D&C. Because I just wanted it to be over. I just feel sad and sick and the whole world just goes on. People laughing and having a good time around me is aggravating. I was supposed to be happy this Christmas. This was our joy, or excitement, our prayers finally answered. But it didn't work out. I am already sick of people's comments about how "at least you have one child," or "It will happen again" or "it was just not meant to be." I "get" all that. But I am 39 years old. We have been trying for almost 4 years this time. This was our final embryo. Yes, we will try more on our own, but I cannot fathom doing IVF again. It is too much on me, physically, mentally, financially. So, our chances are slim. I just wanted a sibling for my son and this one more baby. I was so happy and excited. It was the light at the end of the tunnel. I already loved this baby so much. And I am just angry. I wish I never got a positive pregnancy test in the first place. And I wish so much that if the only child I will ever have is the one I have, that I could feel peace about that. Because I don't. I keep thinking I am in a nightmare that I cannot awaken from.

Everyone tells me to take a break. Rest my body and mind. I don't want to. Am I crazy to feel that the only thing that will make this feel even a little bit better is to be pregnant again? I wanted this baby. And I feel like I am running out of time.

Sorry to vent. I know some of you have been through worse. I am grateful for the child I do have. It is just super tough and I know you ladies know what it feels like. Thanks for reading.

carterh33 · December 2016

I am so sorry. All this can be so hard to go through.

babypi · December 2016

I'm so very sorry to hear you're going through this @KM2J. I can't imagine how you're feeling with everything you've been through. I remember you from the July board, I was rooting so hard for you. I had a D&C last Monday and I don't know how to get through this either except by trying again as soon as possible. You can vent all you like and do what you need to do.

sprkls8506 · December 2016

@KM2J I'm so sorry for your loss.

profmcgonagall · December 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. Feel free to vent all you need.

Also it doesn't matter what others have gone through. Your loss is devastating and yours. Just because others have gone through different kinds of loss does not mean that yours does not matter.

Worldtravler0522 · December 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here. I get what you mean when you say you just want to be pregnant again. For me it almost felt like then everything will be ok again and I won't be sad anymore and I can "rejoin society". Sending you lots of positive thoughts and prayers that you find some peace.

LoveDontCostAThing · December 2016

I am so sorry

I just had a chemical pregnancy after two back to back FET cycles. Knowing I was pregnant for such a short time makes me want to be pregnant again that much more. I am not excited at all about the holidays either and feel pretty sad a lot of the time, which is unlike me. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am taking a short break, but if you don't want a break then push forward. You need to do what is best for you.

bel194 · December 2016

Hi, I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I feel your pain. I went in last Wednesday at 10w5d and the baby had stopped growing at roughly 7w5d. I also tried to do it naturally and then caved and got a D&C yesterday. I can also relate to having an only child and just wanting a sibling for her. Don't feel bad about not waiting to try again. You do what you feel that you need to do.

KM2J · December 2016

Thanks everyone. I too, am sorry for all of your losses. I wish none of us had to feel this way and I hope all of us are able to move forward and begin again at some point successfully. I appreciate all of your support and understanding and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

rklinge0 · December 2016

I know what you mean about already having a child. Ours was an unexpected pregnancy but the weekend I found out, my toddler went to a birthday party and was interested in the babies. So I know it would have been good for her especially for her development. We aren't done trying but we are waiting a while.
If you feel emotionally ready than start trying after you get the okay from your ob.
I was also on the July board so it's really sad when I see a familiar name. Thinking of you.

Hopefulmommy1980 · December 2016

I am sorry for your loss Please be sure to be kind to yourself

Knottie89261794 · December 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. I went in last week on Tuesday for my first ultrasound at 11 weeks and they said the baby was measuring 8 weeks with no heartbeat. This was our first. I woke up yesterday at 1am with severe pain and bleeding then blacked out a few times. My husband took me to the ER. We were there all night. I ended up passing the baby while there around 6:15am. My Birthday was also yesterday.. It was the worst day of my life.

lala123321567789 · December 2016

@babypi I've just joined you and @KM2J over here from July 2017. Missed miscarriage baby was supposed to be 11w5d only measure 8w3d no heartbeat. Still haven't miscarried and have to wait over the weekend till I can get in for a d&c. It really is some of the worst timing. Any time would be aweful but why so close to Christmas?! I haven't even processes this loss yet. Christmas is already hard for me (being away from my family) and now this.

@Knottie89261794 this was my first as well. So sorry it happened so close to your birthday.

sarababy2014 · December 2016

It wasn't meant to be.... that one infuriates me.

hcosgrov · December 2016

Your story really resonates with me. I just had my first miscarriage (also first pregnancy), was at 10 weeks but baby measured 8 weeks and a few days. No heartbeat, and I went through a D&C for similar reasons. I just wanted it to be over if it was over, and the physical pain of passing my baby and seeing it happen felt like all too much right now.

I hear you on being angry, sad, feeling guilty, and wanting to just be pregnant again. Facebook has been a real challenge for me, especially around the holidays with everyone happy and announcing births/pregnancies. I feel like something is broken in me, but I'm working on recovering.

I do hope you have support of people around you who don't say insensitive things and just want to be present for you. My greatest challenge is learning to ask for what I need, and not surrounding myself with people who can't provide it. For my needs, it's spending time with me, letting me cry, delivering dinners, and checking-in via text. Let us know what might be helpful for your needs, too!

All of us have such incredible strength to go through this- the loss of a child no matter how far along you are. Know that I'm thinking about you all and hope you navigate your grief in a way that provides safety and love.

justsuzie · December 2016

KM2J said:

Last Thursday, at 10 weeks, 5 days pregnant, I went to the doctor for my second ultrasound. Second because we got pregnant through IVF and I was super excited to go back to my regular OB. The dreaded words that I will never forget were my OB saying "I am so sorry, I am just not seeing what I need to see. Baby is measuring 8 weeks 5 days and there is no longer a heartbeat." My heart sank. My previous visit was with my RE and heartbeat was fantastic and baby was growing right on target at 8 weeks 3 days. So, 2 days later was the apparent end?

I wanted to just go home and cry and wait to miscarry at home. I waited from Thursday until Monday before I gave in and went for the D&C. Because I just wanted it to be over. I just feel sad and sick and the whole world just goes on. People laughing and having a good time around me is aggravating. I was supposed to be happy this Christmas. This was our joy, or excitement, our prayers finally answered. But it didn't work out. I am already sick of people's comments about how "at least you have one child," or "It will happen again" or "it was just not meant to be." I "get" all that. But I am 39 years old. We have been trying for almost 4 years this time. This was our final embryo. Yes, we will try more on our own, but I cannot fathom doing IVF again. It is too much on me, physically, mentally, financially. So, our chances are slim. I just wanted a sibling for my son and this one more baby. I was so happy and excited. It was the light at the end of the tunnel. I already loved this baby so much. And I am just angry. I wish I never got a positive pregnancy test in the first place. And I wish so much that if the only child I will ever have is the one I have, that I could feel peace about that. Because I don't. I keep thinking I am in a nightmare that I cannot awaken from.

Everyone tells me to take a break. Rest my body and mind. I don't want to. Am I crazy to feel that the only thing that will make this feel even a little bit better is to be pregnant again? I wanted this baby. And I feel like I am running out of time.

Sorry to vent. I know some of you have been through worse. I am grateful for the child I do have. It is just super tough and I know you ladies know what it feels like. Thanks for reading.

This is so on target to what I was feeling. You explained it perfectly. I am 3+ months out from my loss and it does get easier. It is still tough to see anything pregnancy related and now it seems to be everywhere...books I am reading, movies I watch, people walking by. I hope your healing comes soon.

rainbowwishes5 · January 2017

You have every right to feel angry and sad because this is a terrible thing. I know exactly how you feel. Only a living healthy child will make the pain go away it feels like..... I hope you get that relief. If not then peace.

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