I do all the laundry and 80% of the dishes, as well as cleaning the main living areas and cooking most meals. H takes out the garbage as long as it's bagged up and set by the back door, cleans the toilets, and will occasionally make a big meal we can eat leftovers of for days. He works more hours than I do and has a more physically demanding job. Plus he drives me around everywhere because I hate driving, so I consider it fair.
@krob a housekeeper is factored into our baby budget. We can keep up on our own, but I know neither of us will be interested in cleaning once little dude is here. I think you make a good point in suggesting that.
@madamerwin I do the washing because I'm picky about what needs to be hung dry. He does the folding because he's picky about how things are folded.
And that kind of speaks to my overarching response to this whole discussion. As @gretchypoo said, if your husband cleans, he's not "helping" you. He's being a fucking adult who is equally responsible for shared living space. If you have not established equitable routines within your home and your relationship, maybe it's time for a realignment. Nobody changes in response to nagging. Like, literally nobody. In the history of ever. Sit down together and collaborate toward a realistic plan for improvement in the areas that need work. Say "thank you" or acknowledge in some other positive way when your SO sticks to the plan. Hold up your end of the bargain. And for god's sake, everybody please drop the "men are animals" narrative when talking about stuff like this. It's counterproductive at best. Men are capable of being adult humans, the same as women are capable of being straightforward with our expectations.
I don't work so I basically take care of the house (as in I am responsible for the house though I don't really do that great) but I do all the laundry. I do feel like since I've never had to work during our relationship, that I can at least keep up on the house since I literally sit at home all day. I cook all the meals and even pack his lunches for work. And I take the lead with the kids too, but of course we have our "wait until I tell your dad " moments lol. My husband does do a lot of the outside stuff though. We both mow our small lawn, but he does all the weed eating, and upkeep of general outside stuff. He shovels the snow, fixes the vehicles. He's a general handyman man, so if something breaks in the house he will fix it (or destroy it trying haha) so really I feel like he does way more than what I do. But it's how it works for us, and I feel like housework is never done.
@NiceyMeany You just made me want to kiss you. I couldn't agree more. For me, it falls along the same lines as men who see watching their children as "babysitting". Nope, just meeting the minimum responsibilities you agreed to take on by having a child.
I've learned in my marriage that passive aggressively expecting my husband to see/prioritize/take the initiative on household tasks is a recipe for disaster. I had to learn to use my words and express my needs and expectations. For a long time I felt I "shouldn't have to" but at the end of the day I could be right or I could be happy. Being direct about the things I needed to be prioritized made a huge difference. Not that I always got my way, but we started communicating much more productively. Obviously it's not perfect and I sometimes still want to murder him, but it has helped a lot.
Not to AW my husband, but I'm feeling like he is a saint reading this thread. He handles all of the grocery shopping, cooking, dog walking, trash, yard work, etc. on a daily basis. I do the dishes after he makes dinner each night, and then we split the house cleaning and laundry on the weekends (usually we both do laundry and he cleans the bathrooms, I clean the kitchen, etc.). He also gets gas in my car and gets it washed because I hate dealing with that kind of stuff. I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it, but he is older and had lived on his own for many years before we got married (and I think we were older than average age getting married) - so he had to take care of all of those things for himself for years, so he never expects me to do household chores for him, and he doesn't like leave socks or crap around the house. Also - I think the key is that we are very clear with our expectations when entering any new kind of situation. Like when he took his current job which is working from home a couple of years back, there were some trade offs that we had to figure out. We decided that the lower starting salary but ability to do what he loves and work from home was worth it to us, and since I am the bigger earner but have long hours in an office it made sense that he would pick up the majority of the household chores.
@NiceyMeany and @lemieuxk YES! H and I have had to have conversations and sometimes he just needs me to make him a list. I've also learned that saying thank you or mentioning that I've noticed he's making an effort to keep his dirty underwear off the floor helps him do better. If he said that sh*t to me my eyes would roll out of my head. But he needs it and like you said, I can be right or be happy. I choose happiness.
Your husband does sound like a keeper. Maturity, regardless of whether it's earned through age or effort, is attractive in anyone. Sounds like you're both excellent partners who are on the same page.
Im going to aw my husband here too cause hands up i am a lazy bish! He does all the laundry (i leave his work shirts in to be ironed every fortnight) & i have a cleaner that comes for 2 hours every week. I do all food related stuff like grocery shopping & making lunches & dinners but he does all outside chores too. We both work full time & having a cleaner just makes life so much easier. I intend to keep on the cleaner when im on leave all of next year but will probably do the ironing myself given that ill have more time at home.
Sometimes I feel like the chores I do are a bit less visible. Budgeting, planning, scheduling, dog walking and vet, dealing with family, etc. are pretty much all me. H does a lot of our deep cleaning and yard work. We split laundry and cooking/kitchen. It works pretty well for us but bickering happens. We've already talked about how we'll split kid appointments and responsibilities based on our work busy seasons, which thankfully don't overlap!
@ChaoticWolf I do think your H is asking for a bit of a talk or recalibration. His behavior is so not okay.
It's interesting to read how everyone else handles this stuff.
During the warm months, I give DH a bit of a pass on inside stuff because he does the mowing, weed whacking, etc. I've also named him 'equipment manager' which entails fixing everything around the house (from plumbing to the wireless printer). I do the grocery shopping, cooking and most of the kitchen cleaning (although I've recently given up on loading/un-loading the dishwasher b/c of the bending). I also do all the laundry b/c I have a ton of dry flat stuff and he can't be bothered to read every tag. I wash and dry and then put all his stuff in baskets, which he tends to live out of and only fold/put away when we have company. Otherwise, we tend to split the cleaning pretty evenly: bathrooms, living spaces, etc.
During the winter months, I expect a bit more help because I do a lot of the shoveling. I get home earlier and it's easier to get it done before we both pack down the driveway with our cars. (I was actually sad driving home today because I know I can't get out there and shovel before he gets home.)
All that being said, I know we have a lot of work to do on expectations before my maternity leave ends. I know that I will probably be doing more with the LO around feeding, if BF works out as planned, and other stuff because I tend to work fewer hours. We've discussed getting a cleaning service for after I go back to work and that might be our best option to avoid annoyance with each other going forward.
It's been hard in our household. I started working for the first time since we got married/living together. (7years) I started working 1 year ago. and now I have two jobs, so I'm hardly home. But that being said. DH does NO work around the house. all summer I mowed the lawn, I did the housework, and took care of our son.
Now that I have two jobs, I really wish he would get off his ass on the weekend and do something around the house. I get home from being on my feet for 14+ hours, and nothing is done. dishes are piled up, the house is just a wreck. The least he could do is get outside and take care of the leaves and yard. Nope, I have to do everything. and I don't have the energy or the strength to do it anymore. He sits on his ass, and drink beer all damn day on the weekend. Yes, he works also M-F, 8-4. but I will work from 10-3, come home get our son from school, only to wait for him to get home by 5, so I can leave for my second job working 6-11. Weekends, I will work from 9-2 one job, the second one 3-11.
This past Saturday, he texts me at work to tell me a fish died(that was at 2pm). I get home close to midnight, and the damn fish is dead in the tank. I leave for work and come back the next day. The damn thing stayed in there until Monday night! when he finally asked me where the net was at (which is where it's always at under the sink!)
I wish we had in the budget for a maid to come in once a week or every two weeks, but we just don't have the money which is why I'm working two jobs to help with bills, and cover Christmas this year.
He does do his own laundry or do things that will directly benefit him. But nothing for around the house.
sorry for the long rant, but it's been getting on my nerves for the last week.
@LinnyAnne10 - I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through that! It must be beyond frustrating! Have you tried to have a sit down conversation with him to let him know how frustrating it is that you are taking on so much and try to get him to get on board with helping? I had issues in the past with my DH and chores. We both have worked all along, both full time. At one pt he was doing full time hours and OT and school. So I came home from work and did all the house work and made sure he had food waiting for him. Then he graduated, and got laid off....so I was working full time with some OT and still doing everything at home minus some cooking. It was infuriating to come home tired and see the house a mess knowing he was on his butt all day. We had several conversations that seemed productive and didn't end up solving much. But then we had one really serious talk about my frustration, especially being pregnant, how it is NOT good for the baby for me to be stressing and overworking between work and home, and I really need and would appreciate him to help me and be a team player. I also told him how things will be drastically different after the baby comes and is on my boob every 2-3 hours a day and I am getting almost no sleep.
That actually sunk in with him, and he has been so much more helpful ever since. Some days I still come home like ok you didn't clean up today, but he has made alot of strides to step up so I am happy with the progress for sure. And he has been making sure I come home from work to a nice dinner and he checks with me before work to if I am hungry and makes sure I have a nice lunch packed for my long day.
I would def give it a try. Let him know stress is not good for the baby, and he is asking too much of you, especially right now. Hope it helps!
@ChaoticWolf - Sorry I totally missed yours. I have been in that boat before too. It took me really putting my foot down and having a serious talk with DH to get him on the ball. He has never really done housework our whole relationship, aside from helping to cook so he got spoiled and I let it go for a long time. Until he got laid off and I got KU and was like OK, this is so not going to fly anymore. It took a few conversations and one really serious talk about how me getting stressed out is not good for our baby, and his Mom asking him (out of the blue without any knowledge of what was going on) if he was stepping up to help me especially since he isn't working I should be coming home and resting and reinforcing what I said to get his ass in gear. Sometimes we really need to put our foot down and demand some change, especially since we are pregnant and soon enough our lives will be even more different with a new baby coming into the picture. At the very least he should be helping with some of the tasks and if he doesn't want to do them on his day off then he can do it on a work day before or after work.
I feel like we used to do much better with splitting chores. Since having kids, I have been home more, and while I work full time as a Realtor, I have busy periods or slow periods, so it isn't always consistent what my schedule will be. One thing that drives me nuts is when he used to help more, there were just the two of us, so helping with laundry once a week on the weekends was fine. Well, newsflash, there are now 5, almost 6 of us and that makes for a whole heck of a lot more of everything. Laundry, dishes, trips to the store for more milk, my workload has quadrupled, and his help has diminished.
Our kids are old enough now that in theory they can help with a lot. In practicality, we are busy weeknights, they are in school all day and they are not always there when I need things done they can do.
I am with everyone that says you can be right or you can be happy, and I try to remember to make him lists and praise him for helping. My filter is not so solid during pregnancy though, so if I am thanking him for doing the dishes last night, I might throw in that I had done them once or twice a day for the past week, but thanks for pitching in this one time since I asked you to.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
I think my pregnancy and morning sickness was a HUGE eye opener for DH on how much I do around the household that he doesn't have to worry about. That is equally on me though, for just doing it and not insisting on better distribution of things before now.
We also had a cleaner coming every two weeks, and someone to keep up with the lawn. After previous talks about who had to do what with both of us working a lot, it just made life better. The plan post-baby/recovery with me staying home is that I will eventually take on the majority of the indoor house work. I think this time of him having to do the majority of the tasks has really been a growing experience for him though. He has a new appreciation of me keeping things running smoothly.
@ everyone in this thread who responded to me (mobile won't let me tag lately) Thank you guys for all the advice! I actually talked with DH for a while last night and then this morning sent him a text letting him know what needed to be done before he left this afternoon for work (he works 2nd shift). Not everything was done when I got home, but some of it was and I'm counting that as progress. He seemed to be much more open to it today. I really do think he just needed time to think about it all and not get overwhelmed and flustered. Or maybe he really did just need a list. Either way, I'm hoping this continues.
Previously PaukMeKiande
Surprise BFP/MC February 2011 BFP May 16th 2016
EDD January 25 2017 DD born January 30 2017 Surprise BFP/MC April 2017
DH does all the laundry. Thankfully. I hate doing all the kids clothes (how many times can 3 kids change per day???) and he calls me a "sloppy folder". So it's all him! LOL
Our house is weird we do more a seasonal split of chores. Since my husband works from home and is a tax accountant. So during the less busy times for him, he does most of the household chores. Then during tax season I do more of the chores since he works crazy long hours and works 7 days a week. Also since I am a teacher I do more chores during the summer when I am off. So during tax season and summer time I do household chores and he does it the other times since he is at home all day and does not have a lot of work.
I also have left him tasks for him to do and he has left me tasks for me to do... just depends on who season it is to do work
He is always the cook though, I have tried cooking and I either burn things or undercook things. My food is horrible, so out of necessity of eating he has taken over cooking. I eat a lot of frozen meals during tax season
The most ridiculous of MBF's: the battery in my wireless mouse died yesterday, there are none of that size in our supply closet and I forgot to bring one in from home. Now, I have to use a wired mouse w/o side scrolling and I want to cry. I am going to be super inefficient today.
It is really interesting reading how everyone splits household chores. Seems like we all do it a bit differently which I guess makes sense with everyone having different situations. Right now while DH and I both work we split chores pretty 50/50. I probably cook a bit more than he does but really it's because I like doing it, though he's been a godsend on nights when I'm just too tired he's a great cook too! I am kind of ashamed to admit that we often let cleaning slide and have a big deep clean day every month or so. When the baby is born and I'm home I will take over the vast majority of the household chores, cleaning, laundry, cooking, dishes etc... but DH will keep the outside stuff like mowing/snow blowing. He'll probably also do the grilling on nights we grill since he loves doing it.
Me: 33 | DH: 34 Married: October, 19, 2015 EDD 2/22/17 DS1 born on 3/2/17 EDD 3/8/20 DS2 born on 3/10/20 EDD 11/24/23 (Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
When we lived in the city, I feel like I did 90% of the household work. H mostly worked from home, but still couldn't find time to rinse out a cereal bowl or pick up his laundry. It drove me insane and I would have to point-blank tell him "if the sink is full when I get home from work, I cannot not make dinner right away." So occasionally he would remember to do the dishes. But not often. But now that we're in the 'burbs, he's been awesome and seriously does pretty much every household task except kitchen stuff, about which I have stopped complaining. Plus we have a dishwasher now, which makes things a million times easier. It's even empty on occasion when I get home. So I've learned it's a (slow) process- he is a good guy but stubborn AF and brow-beating has never worked. He's had to realize on his own what I need help with and what we're both good at.
Married: 2011 TTC #1: 3/2016 Me 39 - DH 44 BFP 5/27/16 EDD 1/30/17 DD born 2/3/17
Re: Monday B*fest, 12/12
@madamerwin I do the washing because I'm picky about what needs to be hung dry. He does the folding because he's picky about how things are folded.
And that kind of speaks to my overarching response to this whole discussion. As @gretchypoo said, if your husband cleans, he's not "helping" you. He's being a fucking adult who is equally responsible for shared living space. If you have not established equitable routines within your home and your relationship, maybe it's time for a realignment. Nobody changes in response to nagging. Like, literally nobody. In the history of ever. Sit down together and collaborate toward a realistic plan for improvement in the areas that need work. Say "thank you" or acknowledge in some other positive way when your SO sticks to the plan. Hold up your end of the bargain. And for god's sake, everybody please drop the "men are animals" narrative when talking about stuff like this. It's counterproductive at best. Men are capable of being adult humans, the same as women are capable of being straightforward with our expectations.
I've learned in my marriage that passive aggressively expecting my husband to see/prioritize/take the initiative on household tasks is a recipe for disaster. I had to learn to use my words and express my needs and expectations. For a long time I felt I "shouldn't have to" but at the end of the day I could be right or I could be happy. Being direct about the things I needed to be prioritized made a huge difference. Not that I always got my way, but we started communicating much more productively. Obviously it's not perfect and I sometimes still want to murder him, but it has helped a lot.
Your husband does sound like a keeper. Maturity, regardless of whether it's earned through age or effort, is attractive in anyone. Sounds like you're both excellent partners who are on the same page.
@ChaoticWolf I do think your H is asking for a bit of a talk or recalibration. His behavior is so not okay.
During the warm months, I give DH a bit of a pass on inside stuff because he does the mowing, weed whacking, etc. I've also named him 'equipment manager' which entails fixing everything around the house (from plumbing to the wireless printer). I do the grocery shopping, cooking and most of the kitchen cleaning (although I've recently given up on loading/un-loading the dishwasher b/c of the bending). I also do all the laundry b/c I have a ton of dry flat stuff and he can't be bothered to read every tag. I wash and dry and then put all his stuff in baskets, which he tends to live out of and only fold/put away when we have company. Otherwise, we tend to split the cleaning pretty evenly: bathrooms, living spaces, etc.
During the winter months, I expect a bit more help because I do a lot of the shoveling. I get home earlier and it's easier to get it done before we both pack down the driveway with our cars. (I was actually sad driving home today because I know I can't get out there and shovel before he gets home.)
All that being said, I know we have a lot of work to do on expectations before my maternity leave ends. I know that I will probably be doing more with the LO around feeding, if BF works out as planned, and other stuff because I tend to work fewer hours. We've discussed getting a cleaning service for after I go back to work and that might be our best option to avoid annoyance with each other going forward.
I started working 1 year ago. and now I have two jobs, so I'm hardly home. But that being said. DH does NO work around the house. all summer I mowed the lawn, I did the housework, and took care of our son.
Now that I have two jobs, I really wish he would get off his ass on the weekend and do something around the house. I get home from being on my feet for 14+ hours, and nothing is done. dishes are piled up, the house is just a wreck. The least he could do is get outside and take care of the leaves and yard. Nope, I have to do everything. and I don't have the energy or the strength to do it anymore. He sits on his ass, and drink beer all damn day on the weekend. Yes, he works also M-F, 8-4. but I will work from 10-3, come home get our son from school, only to wait for him to get home by 5, so I can leave for my second job working 6-11. Weekends, I will work from 9-2 one job, the second one 3-11.
This past Saturday, he texts me at work to tell me a fish died(that was at 2pm). I get home close to midnight, and the damn fish is dead in the tank. I leave for work and come back the next day. The damn thing stayed in there until Monday night! when he finally asked me where the net was at (which is where it's always at under the sink!)
I wish we had in the budget for a maid to come in once a week or every two weeks, but we just don't have the money which is why I'm working two jobs to help with bills, and cover Christmas this year.
He does do his own laundry or do things that will directly benefit him. But nothing for around the house.
sorry for the long rant, but it's been getting on my nerves for the last week.
I had issues in the past with my DH and chores. We both have worked all along, both full time. At one pt he was doing full time hours and OT and school. So I came home from work and did all the house work and made sure he had food waiting for him. Then he graduated, and got laid off....so I was working full time with some OT and still doing everything at home minus some cooking. It was infuriating to come home tired and see the house a mess knowing he was on his butt all day. We had several conversations that seemed productive and didn't end up solving much. But then we had one really serious talk about my frustration, especially being pregnant, how it is NOT good for the baby for me to be stressing and overworking between work and home, and I really need and would appreciate him to help me and be a team player. I also told him how things will be drastically different after the baby comes and is on my boob every 2-3 hours a day and I am getting almost no sleep.
That actually sunk in with him, and he has been so much more helpful ever since. Some days I still come home like ok you didn't clean up today, but he has made alot of strides to step up so I am happy with the progress for sure. And he has been making sure I come home from work to a nice dinner and he checks with me before work to if I am hungry and makes sure I have a nice lunch packed for my long day.
I would def give it a try. Let him know stress is not good for the baby, and he is asking too much of you, especially right now. Hope it helps!
Our kids are old enough now that in theory they can help with a lot. In practicality, we are busy weeknights, they are in school all day and they are not always there when I need things done they can do.
I am with everyone that says you can be right or you can be happy, and I try to remember to make him lists and praise him for helping. My filter is not so solid during pregnancy though, so if I am thanking him for doing the dishes last night, I might throw in that I had done them once or twice a day for the past week, but thanks for pitching in this one time since I asked you to.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
We also had a cleaner coming every two weeks, and someone to keep up with the lawn. After previous talks about who had to do what with both of us working a lot, it just made life better. The plan post-baby/recovery with me staying home is that I will eventually take on the majority of the indoor house work. I think this time of him having to do the majority of the tasks has really been a growing experience for him though. He has a new appreciation of me keeping things running smoothly.
BFP May 16th 2016
DD born January 30 2017
Surprise BFP/MC April 2017
FTM, 2 Furbabies
married 03/17/07
lived in Houston, Austin, Los Angeles and NYC
due: 2/15/17
Our house is weird we do more a seasonal split of chores. Since my husband works from home and is a tax accountant. So during the less busy times for him, he does most of the household chores. Then during tax season I do more of the chores since he works crazy long hours and works 7 days a week. Also since I am a teacher I do more chores during the summer when I am off. So during tax season and summer time I do household chores and he does it the other times since he is at home all day and does not have a lot of work.
I also have left him tasks for him to do and he has left me tasks for me to do... just depends on who season it is to do work
He is always the cook though, I have tried cooking and I either burn things or undercook things. My food is horrible, so out of necessity of eating he has taken over cooking. I eat a lot of frozen meals during tax season
We also always wash our own clothes.
So far our split works well.
Married to my Soul Mate since 09/06/09
Married: October, 19, 2015
EDD 2/22/17 DS1 born on 3/2/17
EDD 3/8/20 DS2 born on 3/10/20
EDD 11/24/23
(Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
TTC #1: 3/2016
Me 39 - DH 44
BFP 5/27/16 EDD 1/30/17
DD born 2/3/17